Oliveoyl

I agree. They CAN read addicts. BETTER than we can. I remember just being so heartbroken when XAH got kicked out of a rehab or wouldn't take him back. Kicking him out for xyz and actually non participation. I was furious with the rehab. BUT looking back, they were right. They pegged him better than I.

I've been around SR for about 3 years (diff screen name now due to xah reading). You get all kinds of advice. Some in your face, some holding your hand etc. In the end I needed them both. I will assure you that the people 'in your face' are good people and not meaning to do anything less than help. I am sure I was on their ignore list many times, but am thankful that they stuck by me. Just something to think about...

CanfixONLYme

Cynical one - saying that its "cool" that I have concerns and then in the next breath tell me you are going to put me on ignore is a little disturbing - you seem to be the most senior poster on here and put great tidbits out to share with others like me who really appreciate it - However I have also noticed you saying what's ever on your mind (ie asking someone what THEIR issues are when they said they could see their addicted loved one with many of the ones you posted. When the person responded you then seemed to take satisfaction that you rattled them ESP when they said "FU" ... Your latest post about the dynamics of the rehab and what they divulge or not wasn't a problem at all - I appreciated it

Maybe you two are friends and razz each other like that all the time but may be you're not - in any case like I said before, we are ALL on here to heal - not to push our faces into the emotions we may be feeling at this time - which are all valid - all I was asking for was some "grace"'- not a 'cool well I'll ignore you then' response - makes me sad that advice and criticism seems to be a one way street for some. Again I think many of your posts are great and hope that you can see that I am trying to evoke a peaceful resolution . Take care and thanks again everyone for your advice and support!

hello-kitty

I think I ignored you a few times Olive! Sometimes we just have to back off for our own sanities sake. ;-) It never meant i didn't love you. Just an expression of the fact that I was powerless to save you from your situation. And I didn't want to hurt you by saying things you weren't ready to hear... or didn't want to hear... or were completely inappropriate.

CanfixONLYme

Back to the issue at hand... man, Rose and Olive... it's like you're in the room with me or that my AH was your nephew and XAH!!! --- and kiki... thank you... you're response was awesome... I appreciate it!

My AH called me this morning while I was in a group therapy session (yay me - it took me a year to get into this cognitive therapy group through VGH and it was my first day today!) Anyway, he tried calling 3x from a payphone without leaving a message so that got my brain whirling and whirling...

The group session left me feeling pretty vulnerable as my emotions were heightened as a result of what was being discussed today and I just lost it thinking my AH was about to 'off himself'. I know it was completely irrational and my small RATIONAL voice was saying that I was not thinking clearly. (This is why I'm in group therapy... to deal with my anxiety issues that I had BEFORE I was with my AH). Being in this situation has just exacerbated my anxiety issues to the point where my mind is racing 24/7 and I need to develop better coping skills to calm myself. Otherwise if I don't do something, I'm going to fail school (I'm in a graphic design program) and that's a my big ticket/opportunity to move forward with MY life.

Sigh. Anyway, he ended up calling me back (at a different payphone - we can't do callbacks in Canada)... and said he needed help... that he didn't want money and wanted to get into this particular recovery house but that he wanted me to call them to see if they had a bed available because he had run out of $.

His family who lives in Mission BC have been through this with him since his early 20's and because he's not taking medication right now, he's just not functioning properly (the drugs of course make it much, much worse and now, we think that the crack is first and foremost the huge problem now).

Anyway, I asked him if it would be okay if I conferenced in his sister (and mum) and he said yes and started to cry when they came on. His sister told him if he TRULY wanted help, that he should go to a hospital and get 72 hour care - get his meds regulated AND THEN go to a treatment place...

... He then said "I just need F to call this place to make sure I can go... what if I get there and there's no room or they don't want me there?"

I said: "C, I can't do this for you... you need to step up and make that call yourself. How am I going to let you know if you can get in there or not if you don't have any quarters left? I can't call you back on the payphone"

C: "Well, I'll find a phone and call you back"
F: "Well if you can do that, then you can call them directly. I CAN'T be in the middle of your recovery anymore. You want the help, then go get it. I'll be there to support you as you go through it, but not before and not to DO IT FOR YOU... you need to do this yourself."

His sister (and mum) also said the same sediments and said he needed to man up and do it... that we have exhausted everything to help him and now he needed to do this on his own for now - to get that help if he really wanted help . We all said we loved him very much and all 4 of us were bawling on the phone.

He said he was sorry for everything and then he said he'd be going to a hospital to get looked at and said goodbye.

That was the hardest (but best) and REAL conversation we all had with him. "We're here for you when you REALLY want help, but we are NOT going to do it for you..."

And that was it... so far. Who knows if he will get help... I do fear it's like your nephew and XAH... that it's just a ploy because he's run out of options... but that's no longer my concern anymore.

I just have to learn how to not take it on like it is...

HUGS to all...

kiki5711

Go get em Canfix!!!! you're doing better already! you take charge of the situation and be the boss and not him and his addiction. It's the only thing that will keep you sane and possibly make him realize "there's no more options but to do it".

Best to you!!!!!

beautifulgirl

I am happy to hear that you are not left with the uncertainty that you were feeling earlier.
I pray for you and ah however it turns out.
Take care of you right now and be sure to set boundaries so you know what you will do down the road when AH wants to come home.

Oliveoyl

asking someone what THEIR issues are when they said they could see their addicted loved one with many of the ones you posted. When the person responded you then seemed to take satisfaction that you rattled them ESP when they said "FU"

Wait... CO and I go back. I've told her FU many times. It was all in fun because she's called me out so many times. And she's right. We've been around here and gotten to know eachother outside of SR so I'm not offended or put off in the least. Actually it's a goal of mine to offend her whenever I can!

I think I ignored you a few times Olive! Sometimes we just have to back off for our own sanities sake. ;-) It never meant i didn't love you. Just an expression of the fact that I was powerless to save you from your situation. And I didn't want to hurt you by saying things you weren't ready to hear... or didn't want to hear... or were completely inappropriate.


CFOM - here's another one that was a hard a$$ to me and I've prob been mad @ more than once! BUT she's been with me from the beginning. HK is one that I've gotten to know and love outside of the boards. Again, we are all on the same path. Just some are are ahead on our journey.

I know emotions are high. We want direction when we post, but we're also wanting hand holding. Some here are NOT going to hold your hand. That's ok though. Maybe they can pi$$ you off enough to change your thinking or lead you down a different path. That's good too! I know @ times I would be so lost and post. I may leave SR a bawling mess. BUT it got me thinking. It made me stronger and got me out of the awful situation that I was in.

I was with my xah for 23 years. I just turned 40. We have 2 kids together. I'm sorry you're here. But I can assure you the the people here care. No matter how they deliver their advice, they do care.

tjp613

CFOM - You all did great today!! Jeez, I know that's hard--I'm the mom of an addict. I will pray for him tonight....and for all of you.

Olive - you should send a PM to CFOM and tell her your old screen name and let her read your story...long as it is!... and as stubborn as you were!... you finally made it. It was heart-wrenching for us to see you suffer so much, going round and round in circles, but in the end you did it. (((((Hugs))))

Oliveoyl

Olive - you should send a PM to CFOM and tell her your old screen name and let her read your story...long as it is!... and as stubborn as you were!... you finally made it. It was heart-wrenching for us to see you suffer so much, going round and round in circles, but in the end you did it. (((((Hugs))))

CFOM ~ Here is another one who was a harda$$ but so helpful. TJ I will pm her my old screen name. Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad to be on the other side. I can see alot of her story in mine.

rose

CFOM,
What really jumped out at me from your last post was the support you, mil and sil are giving to one another, nice to see, it helps so much to keep each other strong. Geez to think $8000.00 gone in just a few days and down to no money for phone calls. I guess it really comes down to, if he had another $20.00 in his pocket would he use it to get himself over to the rehab or the dealer's place? Glad you stood your grounds with him as hard as it might have been for you. Let him prove himself and see what he does after a few days rest in the hospital.

You sure seem to be a very strong lady, seeing your own weakness and taking steps to help yourself, that is so great to see!

Hope your night is uneventful!

Rose

CanfixONLYme

Ladies it's been only through Gods Grace AND seeing all you "warrior women" come on to share your stories ... That tho there may not be a happy ending for me and my ah , at least there will be one for me.

I'd be honoured to have you all in my clan... Wonderful warrior women!!

And thanks for letting me see both sides of the "caring coin". (I mean that). I have been black & white when it comes to certain issues - we all have personalities and we all care in our own way - otherwise we would not be here. I am very glad tho we are able to express boundaries, concerns and fears without being ganged up on ... I am really stoked about all of you and send the most powerful positive vibes your way for a beautiful day tomorrow!


In Peace... CFOM --- whose shortened name sounds like a radio station !!

kiki5711

Just call me "Xena" the Amazon warrior princess!

tjp613

Woo HOO Kiki!! You're HOT!!! LOL

Kindeyes

CFOM
Glad to know that you are getting some help. When dealing with an addicted loved one, we need all the support and help we can get. Unfortunately, our A's often know us better than anyone on the planet and they have an uncanny ability to get our anxiety levels through the roof.

I'm glad that you, your MIL and SIL demonstrated such loving support for your husband while at the same time not doing for him what he can and should do for himself. It is such a fine line between supporting them in their recovery efforts or enabling their disease and most of us don't do it perfectly. But we're all just trying to make progress because we'll never achieve perfection.

Take care of you. We do understand the gut wrenching pain and anxiety that loving an addict can cause. You are not alone. As we walk this path with you, we'll share the things that we have done to help ease our pain and lessen our anxiety.

gentle hugs

tjp613

CFOM - You should also take a look at Kindeyes' journey. She's a real inspiration to all of us and is working a wonderful program. This lady knows her stuff. (((Kindeyes)))

kiki5711

you should see all my SR sisters!!! we fight the "invisible" demons, ours and our significant others. It's a very hard battle, weak need not apply for membership.

Oliveoyl

It's a very hard battle, weak need not apply for membership.

Isn't that the truth! This stuff isn't for sissy's

Mavis1

Hey, I didn't read all the posts but I identified so much with what you are going thru...I'm still doing it once in awhile after letting go of ah 4 years ago. he is homeless, flops at a motel (who knows where he's getting the money..). we put him into the 14th detox/program 4 years ago, it was the VA and they gave him back his life, they gave him every opportunity known to man. I was resentful because he got free living quarters, free clothing, dental/medical and counceling, job training, education, transportation etc. he stayed sober while living there for almost 2 years and then picked up a bottle of mouthwash and is back half dead all the time from it.

I don't do anything for him any longer, I don't go see him, when he calls I feel numb, I do feel sorry for him because at one time for many years he was a wonderful man full of life and love for his family. that is all gone, I've accepted that, it took a long long time though. I still feel self pity too because he left me holding the bag financially, he destroyed me emotionally..

I've picked up the peices again and am moving on. Im 55 and alone most of the time but I know it's better then what I had with him. GOD knows I did too much, I'm the poster girl for what not to do in Alanon and am also a recovering alcoholic.

I identified with what you had to say and what you are going thru. I did all the wrong things and don't know and would not give any advise here, please be strong today, get away from the insanity and best wishes....

faithfully

I've had many similar such calls, the active addict always seems to be in an emergency and thinks their emergency is everyone else's emergency...usually whoever can rescue them from their actions, usually when they are out of money drugs desperate which is so often their state. Nothing changes if nothing changes. There's 3 options, he gets hurt or dies, decides to get into recovery or the same thing happens again the next time...and the same thing over and over again until one of the other two options are chosen. By the addict that is, for you, it's a different choice.