Married to an addict
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 5
Married to an addict
I've only recently been able to admit to myself that my husband is an addict. The problem has been present throughout our entire relationship. We started dating when I was 15 and he was 18. We married when I was 19 and he was 21. Now I'm 25 and he's 28.
When we dated, he would blow me off to drink with his friends. After 3 years dating, I found out he had lied to me big time about aspects of his only previous serious relationship. I found out from HER (his ex). My friends convinced me that he lied to protect my feelings because he didn't want to hurt me.
He joined the service. He had to stop using pot. I liked that. He was planning on being a career soldier, so I was really happy that he wouldn't be smoking again. He was stationed in Germany, where we spent the first 3 years of our marriage. He went out drinking with his friends all the time and left me at home. I told him how crappy I felt about being left alone so much, but he didn't seem to care. One night he didn't come home and he didn't answer his cell phone. The next day around noon, his sgt. dropped him off. He had been arrested for public intoxication and had spent the night sobering up in a mental hospital. Remember I was only 19 years old. I was naieve. I told him how horrible this way, that I didn't want this to happen ever again or I might not stick around. He assured me that he was sorry-- but it wasn't his fault. He had too much to drink but he would control himself next time. He doesn't think he should've been put in the mental hospital. THEY called his sgt. because his number was in his wallet- he couldn't ask them to call me. I didn't understand because I grew up in a different neighborhood than him, but his drinking was completely normal and I would know that had I grown up in his neighborhood.
I discovered two more SERIOUS lies he was telling me when we were in Germany, but nothing drug related. He hurt his knee and got a medical discharge, so when he was getting out, all he could think about was pot.
He did tone down the drinking. A lot. Years went by and I thought it was just a part of growing up that he became more responsible with it. I had FORCED myself to be ok with his pot smoking. I hated it, but I decided a long time ago that it's something he's always going to do so I can deal with it or fight about it forever. I asked him to not tell me when he does it, basically told him to hide it from me and lie about it.
Last May, he decided he wanted to divorce. He blamed everything on me. I absolutely had problems that I was blind to and needed to address. I would say the way I dealt with our probelms was abusive. I would get upset, he would stonewall me, I'd jump right to, "I don't want to be married to you!" I could be very mean. I started seeing a therapist. I was resolved to become a better person, whether he would stay in my life or not. He was awful to me during this time. I felt so guilty for the way I'd treated him, I let him become emotionally abusive to me. I understood he was so angry with me.
The end of July, he got a DUI. I picked him up from the police station that was an hour away at 3am when I had to be in work the next day. I called out of work. This was his first DUI. He gave me his cell phone and I asked if I could look at it. He said sure. I found texts to a girl that said, "I ******* love you!" This is a girl whom I had suspected him of having an emotional affair with.
I decided I was done, finally accepted he was done and I wasn't going to change his mind. I did not want to be married to someone who is cool with putting his life AND other lives at risk. I spent the day away from him. He spent the day home, alone, with nowhere to go because his car had been taken. I came hom to get my stuff because I was going to stay somewhere else and he told me he changed his mind about everything. He'd been doing so much thinking that day, he was sorry, he wanted to work things out, etc. I told him to make sure he was serious.
He signed up for rehab after work and committed to recovery. It was a slow process. At first he was only going to "quit until the DUI issues passed," then just "drink a little." Eventually, he decided to quit for good. But he was definitely still going to smoke when everything was over. I decided to wait until he had attended more meetings to get crazy upset over those comments.
He stopped going. "Time and money" problems. He still wasn't drinking or smoking. But he wasn't being a great husband, either. In October, he told me that his priorities were 1. recovery 2. work 3. school 4. me and that he would not go to counseling with me. So I told him that I can't be with someone who isn't committed and he had to go. He left. He stopped at the police station to report that we argued. I found this out months later.
He lied to his mom. He told her I tried to push him down the steps. He lied to his friends. He lied to my parents. He lied to everyone.
I ended up in a nut hospital. I came back ready to take care of myself and get him out of my life. He called me and I let him back in the house in October. He got in a car accident that month and has been on prescription painkillers ever since. I got tired of him being here but not wanting to be married. We had been seeing a counselor really just to get along better. I was getting sick of our situation and in January he decided he wanted to work on things. I had already started checking out of the relationship, but decided I'd give it one last try.
Earlier this month, I found pot plants growing in an unused room. I confronted him, he ripped them out. Earlier this month, he was hospitalized because he was withdrawling from his painkillers. He was taking "enough for a horse to be addicted." Earlier this month, he told me he was going to see his dealer and trade his Rx for pot. I told him, "I can not deal with that." He said ok, he won't. Earlier this month, he told me he was going to see his dealer "just to chat and catch up." I checked his phone and found proof he'd lied to me. Of COURSE he was going to make the trade, fricken DUH! I took his pills when I left for work so he could not do it. I told him no, seriously, I'm done.
I told him the only way we'd have a chance is if he start seeing a counselor who specializes in addictions again. I'm done talking to a brick wall. He absolutely cannot admit to himself he has a problem. He told me the only thing he did wrong was lie to me. There is NO problem with the deal he wanted to make. NO problem growing the plants. No problem with any of it. The only hope I have is that the counselor can get through to him because he KNOWS he is not an addict.
I'm just terrified I won't be able to stick to my guns. I need to REALLY accept that he doesn't care, despite what he TELLS me. I'm always going to come in second place to his addiction.
When we dated, he would blow me off to drink with his friends. After 3 years dating, I found out he had lied to me big time about aspects of his only previous serious relationship. I found out from HER (his ex). My friends convinced me that he lied to protect my feelings because he didn't want to hurt me.
He joined the service. He had to stop using pot. I liked that. He was planning on being a career soldier, so I was really happy that he wouldn't be smoking again. He was stationed in Germany, where we spent the first 3 years of our marriage. He went out drinking with his friends all the time and left me at home. I told him how crappy I felt about being left alone so much, but he didn't seem to care. One night he didn't come home and he didn't answer his cell phone. The next day around noon, his sgt. dropped him off. He had been arrested for public intoxication and had spent the night sobering up in a mental hospital. Remember I was only 19 years old. I was naieve. I told him how horrible this way, that I didn't want this to happen ever again or I might not stick around. He assured me that he was sorry-- but it wasn't his fault. He had too much to drink but he would control himself next time. He doesn't think he should've been put in the mental hospital. THEY called his sgt. because his number was in his wallet- he couldn't ask them to call me. I didn't understand because I grew up in a different neighborhood than him, but his drinking was completely normal and I would know that had I grown up in his neighborhood.
I discovered two more SERIOUS lies he was telling me when we were in Germany, but nothing drug related. He hurt his knee and got a medical discharge, so when he was getting out, all he could think about was pot.
He did tone down the drinking. A lot. Years went by and I thought it was just a part of growing up that he became more responsible with it. I had FORCED myself to be ok with his pot smoking. I hated it, but I decided a long time ago that it's something he's always going to do so I can deal with it or fight about it forever. I asked him to not tell me when he does it, basically told him to hide it from me and lie about it.
Last May, he decided he wanted to divorce. He blamed everything on me. I absolutely had problems that I was blind to and needed to address. I would say the way I dealt with our probelms was abusive. I would get upset, he would stonewall me, I'd jump right to, "I don't want to be married to you!" I could be very mean. I started seeing a therapist. I was resolved to become a better person, whether he would stay in my life or not. He was awful to me during this time. I felt so guilty for the way I'd treated him, I let him become emotionally abusive to me. I understood he was so angry with me.
The end of July, he got a DUI. I picked him up from the police station that was an hour away at 3am when I had to be in work the next day. I called out of work. This was his first DUI. He gave me his cell phone and I asked if I could look at it. He said sure. I found texts to a girl that said, "I ******* love you!" This is a girl whom I had suspected him of having an emotional affair with.
I decided I was done, finally accepted he was done and I wasn't going to change his mind. I did not want to be married to someone who is cool with putting his life AND other lives at risk. I spent the day away from him. He spent the day home, alone, with nowhere to go because his car had been taken. I came hom to get my stuff because I was going to stay somewhere else and he told me he changed his mind about everything. He'd been doing so much thinking that day, he was sorry, he wanted to work things out, etc. I told him to make sure he was serious.
He signed up for rehab after work and committed to recovery. It was a slow process. At first he was only going to "quit until the DUI issues passed," then just "drink a little." Eventually, he decided to quit for good. But he was definitely still going to smoke when everything was over. I decided to wait until he had attended more meetings to get crazy upset over those comments.
He stopped going. "Time and money" problems. He still wasn't drinking or smoking. But he wasn't being a great husband, either. In October, he told me that his priorities were 1. recovery 2. work 3. school 4. me and that he would not go to counseling with me. So I told him that I can't be with someone who isn't committed and he had to go. He left. He stopped at the police station to report that we argued. I found this out months later.
He lied to his mom. He told her I tried to push him down the steps. He lied to his friends. He lied to my parents. He lied to everyone.
I ended up in a nut hospital. I came back ready to take care of myself and get him out of my life. He called me and I let him back in the house in October. He got in a car accident that month and has been on prescription painkillers ever since. I got tired of him being here but not wanting to be married. We had been seeing a counselor really just to get along better. I was getting sick of our situation and in January he decided he wanted to work on things. I had already started checking out of the relationship, but decided I'd give it one last try.
Earlier this month, I found pot plants growing in an unused room. I confronted him, he ripped them out. Earlier this month, he was hospitalized because he was withdrawling from his painkillers. He was taking "enough for a horse to be addicted." Earlier this month, he told me he was going to see his dealer and trade his Rx for pot. I told him, "I can not deal with that." He said ok, he won't. Earlier this month, he told me he was going to see his dealer "just to chat and catch up." I checked his phone and found proof he'd lied to me. Of COURSE he was going to make the trade, fricken DUH! I took his pills when I left for work so he could not do it. I told him no, seriously, I'm done.
I told him the only way we'd have a chance is if he start seeing a counselor who specializes in addictions again. I'm done talking to a brick wall. He absolutely cannot admit to himself he has a problem. He told me the only thing he did wrong was lie to me. There is NO problem with the deal he wanted to make. NO problem growing the plants. No problem with any of it. The only hope I have is that the counselor can get through to him because he KNOWS he is not an addict.
I'm just terrified I won't be able to stick to my guns. I need to REALLY accept that he doesn't care, despite what he TELLS me. I'm always going to come in second place to his addiction.
DukeFan
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: lexington, nc
Posts: 9
My husband is married to an addict too, me! I am trying to stop but it is difficult. Be sure to support him and I hope the counselor can open his mind to the idea of addiction. The first thing you probably know about addicts is that denial is the biggest problem. Good Luck, keep your head up!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
CrazyPetLady
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It is overwhelming and difficult.
You will find as you stick around here (and I hope you do) that we will start asking you about you and what you are doing for yourself. Right now your focus is on him.....and unfortunately the sad truth about addiction is that you can't change him.
Your story sounds so very much like mine about 26-27 years ago. All of it. The military husband. The drinking. The pot smoking. Growing in the house. But add to it a small child. I finally left when the pain of leaving him was less than the pain of staying with him.
So.....here's where I ask......what are you doing to take care of you? I wish that I had found Naranon all those many years ago. I wish that I had read about alcoholism and addiction, codependence and enabling. I wish that I had understood this disease so that I could be better prepared to deal with it--I just didn't know anything about it when I was only 25 years old. I felt lost and alone.
The number one recommendation around here in the F&F forum is "take care of you first". It sounds selfish or simple but it is so very profoundly important.
I hope you stick around. There is so much collective wisdom here on SR. You have found a place where others understand what you are going through. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. It is overwhelming and difficult.
You will find as you stick around here (and I hope you do) that we will start asking you about you and what you are doing for yourself. Right now your focus is on him.....and unfortunately the sad truth about addiction is that you can't change him.
Your story sounds so very much like mine about 26-27 years ago. All of it. The military husband. The drinking. The pot smoking. Growing in the house. But add to it a small child. I finally left when the pain of leaving him was less than the pain of staying with him.
So.....here's where I ask......what are you doing to take care of you? I wish that I had found Naranon all those many years ago. I wish that I had read about alcoholism and addiction, codependence and enabling. I wish that I had understood this disease so that I could be better prepared to deal with it--I just didn't know anything about it when I was only 25 years old. I felt lost and alone.
The number one recommendation around here in the F&F forum is "take care of you first". It sounds selfish or simple but it is so very profoundly important.
I hope you stick around. There is so much collective wisdom here on SR. You have found a place where others understand what you are going through. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Pet Lady -
The first step is educating yourself. Finding a counselor is a good step, but it won't do a bit of good if you don't become an expert yourself. One reason your husband is so adamant that he doesn't have a problem is because his brain has been badly damaged from years of alcohol and marijuana use and he is unable to rationalize. There is a doctor who has done a lot of research into the damage that substance abuse causes, the images on his site are a good place to start in understanding your husband's disease.
I am unable to post the website because I am a new user - but his name is Dr. Amen.
I am a teacher and I also work with juveniles in substance abuse programs. Addiction is a complex disease - I know from first hand experience. I was addicted to Vicodin for several years.
My best advice is to read, read, read. Advice has its place, but nothing can replace solid facts and the scientific research that has been done.
Some good books: Under the Influence, Love First
Panther
The first step is educating yourself. Finding a counselor is a good step, but it won't do a bit of good if you don't become an expert yourself. One reason your husband is so adamant that he doesn't have a problem is because his brain has been badly damaged from years of alcohol and marijuana use and he is unable to rationalize. There is a doctor who has done a lot of research into the damage that substance abuse causes, the images on his site are a good place to start in understanding your husband's disease.
I am unable to post the website because I am a new user - but his name is Dr. Amen.
I am a teacher and I also work with juveniles in substance abuse programs. Addiction is a complex disease - I know from first hand experience. I was addicted to Vicodin for several years.
My best advice is to read, read, read. Advice has its place, but nothing can replace solid facts and the scientific research that has been done.
Some good books: Under the Influence, Love First
Panther
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses.
It helps so much knowing there are people who relate.
I'm so worn out on self-help books about marriage and anger management, but I know I need to make space in my day to read about addiction. I know reading some of the sections here (Best of, etc.) shocked me at how all his excuses, and behaviors, and all our fights are universal. I've looked into al anon meetings and I know I need to just get up and go to one.
Kindeyes, I really like what you said about the pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying.
Nobody has said the words, "You need to leave!" to me, but I know the people who know everything want me to and I'm embarrassed every time things fall apart again. It's been far too long to keep hanging onto hope that he will wake up.
It helps so much knowing there are people who relate.
I'm so worn out on self-help books about marriage and anger management, but I know I need to make space in my day to read about addiction. I know reading some of the sections here (Best of, etc.) shocked me at how all his excuses, and behaviors, and all our fights are universal. I've looked into al anon meetings and I know I need to just get up and go to one.
Kindeyes, I really like what you said about the pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying.
Nobody has said the words, "You need to leave!" to me, but I know the people who know everything want me to and I'm embarrassed every time things fall apart again. It's been far too long to keep hanging onto hope that he will wake up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It's been far too long to keep hanging onto hope that he will wake up.
AlAnon will be so much help for you, it will be about you and how to heal YOUR life.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Panther, my RAD's therapist had her read Dr. Amen's book "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life." Understanding her own brain has helped her tremendously, though she had to be clean before working on herself.
Understanding the addicted brain helped me to stop taking stuff personally. It also helped me assist her recovery -- I shared everything I learned -- once she was ready to ask for and accept my help.
I became dispassionate from all that understanding, and it eventually lead me to my own recovery from the fallout. I came to see I was powerless over making her stop, unless I was willing to chain her to the floor. After she found sobriety she told me her DOC (IV dilaudid) was stronger than an orgasm. I'm not that powerful, case closed.
PetLady, when you go to a meeting, look for the people who have what you want. Even if you don't know what you want right now, it will start to take shape the more you immerse yourself in self discovery aka recovery.
Understanding the addicted brain helped me to stop taking stuff personally. It also helped me assist her recovery -- I shared everything I learned -- once she was ready to ask for and accept my help.
I became dispassionate from all that understanding, and it eventually lead me to my own recovery from the fallout. I came to see I was powerless over making her stop, unless I was willing to chain her to the floor. After she found sobriety she told me her DOC (IV dilaudid) was stronger than an orgasm. I'm not that powerful, case closed.
PetLady, when you go to a meeting, look for the people who have what you want. Even if you don't know what you want right now, it will start to take shape the more you immerse yourself in self discovery aka recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 11
Im sorry you are going through this. I'm pretty much on a similar boat as you. the one thing you need to understand is that he won't get sober unless he wants to get sober. you can make him go to all this places but they will not make him stay sober. The sooner you come to grips with that the easier it will be down the road. and the easier it will be to stick around or walk away. my addict is in rehab voluntarily. last time around he refused it. this time he chose to do inpatient and i support that choice because HE wants to get sober for himself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 5
Today, I'm feeling really excited. Excited to make the best with what I now know. I looked into Al anon online and I will attend a meeting this week no matter what. I called my old therapist today and want to start seeing her weekly again. I picked up a book called "Grandchildren of Alcoholics" and have been reading. I'm feeling good and strong. I'm feeling like I can let go. Maybe not today, but I will get there. There is a lot to figure out, LOTS of questions, but I don't feel rushed.
I hope I start having more days like this, and the good days outweigh the bad. I'm excited to start learning.
I hope I start having more days like this, and the good days outweigh the bad. I'm excited to start learning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 5
Bed time is the hardest part of the day for me to get through. I really crave affection at that time. Going to bed alone is torture for me. Going to bed next to him is so hard because all I want to do is cuddle. I didn't reach out for him last night. I know it would give him false hope, and would not be good for me either. I feel strong right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
So glad you are looking into getting help for yourself. You are also addicted to being with your AH, or the feeling you get from him. Or at least I was. My AH was not always an addict. Only the last 6-8 yrs. of our 20 yr marriage. I didn't know the truth until recently. I just knew that something had changed. Something in his life was more important to him than me. There were years of fights, rages, strange conversations, bad decisions, denial & just strangeness on his part. I had finally had all I could take & made the decision to leave. I however still loved him (or who he used to be) and had made the decision I would have to completely leave town. I made my plan & was going through with it at the end of 2010. A week before New year he confessed everything. I often wonder if he figured out I was leaving. The next month I was supportive but it wasn't easy. He then went to rehab. Things are much better. Things don't change overnight. But as long as he works on it in earnest & treats me with respect, I am there. But I am already afraid of a relapse. But that is the nature of this disease.
There is no sugarcoating this. You need to read Co-dependent no more.
I also realized that I had nothing to do with his addiction. That was all him.
But by sticking around through all the disfunction, I was teaching him how to treat me. If you keep accepting it & letting him come back. You have taught him that you will accept his drug use & disfunction.
Good Luck
There is no sugarcoating this. You need to read Co-dependent no more.
I also realized that I had nothing to do with his addiction. That was all him.
But by sticking around through all the disfunction, I was teaching him how to treat me. If you keep accepting it & letting him come back. You have taught him that you will accept his drug use & disfunction.
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Welcome to this forum, PetLady.
You said you are (were) terrified you won't stick to you guns.
We're here to help. We will bolster you when you feel weak, we will give you a hundred reasons why you need to be strong. And they're all about YOU and what you deserve.
We're rooting for you.
You said you are (were) terrified you won't stick to you guns.
We're here to help. We will bolster you when you feel weak, we will give you a hundred reasons why you need to be strong. And they're all about YOU and what you deserve.
We're rooting for you.
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