CanfixONLYme

I posted a few days ago (..."novel ahead" one)... where I told the story of my AH and his departure. He had sold his truck and was waiting for this cheque of $8,000 to clear (well it did last night).

This money is in our only joint account which had about $5 in it. I have 3 separate bank accounts that he has NO access to. So, I see him taking $400 cash out, then another $400... etc. and I ponder... I wonder if I took $500 and transferred it to my other account, would he notice? No, he hasn't so far... just keeps spending the $. So... I took another $450 and did the same. This $ I'm taking is going to be paying off $$ that HE left behind. He knows he owed about $1000 more so maybe that's why he hasn't said anything. I guess I took the $ to see if he'd call... ;(

Anyway, he's down to about $5,000 now... Eariler this morning, I saw he actually used his debit card to pay for a hotel bill. The name of the hotel was right on the bank transaction so, I called. Why? Why did I call? I don't know... part of me wanted to make sure he was still 'alive' (and that no one else was using his card) and the other... ... (head shake)... I don't know. I KNOW I don't want him back home like this and I KNOW that he's got to want to get better and be in treatment AND take his bipolar meds for a few months before that happens... but I miss my husband. I miss the man I married... and I should have it in my brain that he's just not there right now... or may never be... --- but it's so hard to let that go. It's like he's died but I can't seem to bury him yet. ;( I still feel there's a chance he may get better... but I KNOW I'm not helping matters at all.

Anyway...

... sigh. I asked for my husband's name and the front desk put me through to his room... where this half asleep WOMAN answered the phone. I was dumbstruck. I was dead calm but furious and asked for my AH, who within seconds answered. He was flabergasted that I had 'found' him and told me that this PERSON was some random girl he and his friend had met and were just hanging out. At first he said she worked at the motel... blah blah blah...and then said she was friends of his pal. "Fine, let me talk to her then." he was just about to give her the phone when he said "I don't have to tell you anything..." and got DEFENSIVE!!! WTF?!

I told him I couldn't believe he would stoop so low and screw around on me and that we were DONE. I then hung up the phone. I was numb. I know him even doing crack is cheating on me... but I see it as him more cheating on his own life... but to have some random woman in this room with him just disgusts me. He called back about 5 min later and was slurring and sounded horrible saying that it wasn't like what I thought...that sex and crack for him don't mix and that she was there with his friend. I ended up getting mad and telling him how much he was screwing his life up - to which he responded that he wanted me to stop monitoring the bank account and just leave him alone... that I didn't even want to have anything to do with him anyway a few days ago.

He's right... but for some sick reason of my own, I thought a few days and he'd start thinking more rationally... that he'd want to go get help... --- but he basically said that I can't force him to do anything and to just leave him alone.

So here I am... knowing that $5000 is going to be blown within days on drugs and there's nothing I can do about it. ;( Nor can I do anything about the people he hangs out with or the stupid choices he's making. I have NO idea if he's screwed around on me... or if this woman was/is just a drug buddy, but I'm so disgusted... and sad.

I made him sign an affidavit (relinquishing current and future money from his aunt's estate as well as money in my accounts) in exchange for signing over the truck to him. So if I take that money and secure it for him, the affidavits would be worthless. Our apt. is rekeyed and he doesn't have access to his motorcycle (in both our names), but I have a feeling he'll be back to try to get it once all that other money is gone. However, the affidavit said that this asset would remain in both our names. Period...

I don't know what I'm asking... maybe I'm just venting... wondering if I did the 'right' thing or if I just did the biggest ENABLING move --- . He made that choice to sell his truck though and he made the choice to get a stupid bmw and cash for it... - he's also making choices right now...

... and I have no control over it whatsoever. I have to be honest... it's gotten me a bit depressed... and I feel exhausted and hopeless... just waiting for that call or the knock at the door from the police to say that he's od'd....

... or what his mum thinks... he'll run out of $ eventually and either try to commit suicide or come crawling back saying he wants 'treatment'. He only resorts to the treatment route when he has NOTHING but stays for a few days and then takes off (tries to come home). I'm so tired of this rollercoaster and feel sick of the ride, but I can't seem to get off... that he's my addiction and it's starting to pull me under now...

... and that's my fault... not his... not anyone elses... mine.

beautifulgirl

That's terrible!!! You called the motel because you still love him. I think it hurt you to call the motel but you did it because you loved him period.
He is not in a good place right now. If he was he would be with you. It is so hard to leave him alone at all and even harder considering the circumstances but you got to be strong if you don't want to be part of his addiction.
It is depressing, upsetting, and stressing but so is living with his addiction.
If you were closer I would go out with you for a cheeseburger and a shirley temple. We could cry together over our cheeseburgers.
I will tell you like someone else told me. Put a pot of coffee on and come here when you are feeling sad. We are all happy to enjoy the coffee and chat with you as though we were all sitting in the same living room.
He is not rational right now. Don't mistake his actions for how he feels about you. His actions are irrational right now and he is blinded by addiction.

rose

Hi Neighbour! I am in Nanaimo!

I am sure there is a post from me a few years back that was almost identical to what you are going through right now. They are terrible times and it gave me that pinch in my stomach when I read your post. Hope you got yourself enough money, you can bet it is all going to be gone by midweek. I caught my husband with an 18 year old prositute who had hep c, I didn't catch them in any sexual acts, they were smoking crack on our boat. That is not saying that they didn't have sexual contact, it just sickened me. He was going down so fast, it took no time for him to be in trouble with the law, the police came to my house and they were the ones who told me that this girl he was with had hep c and that I should go asp to get myself tested. I was so embarrassed, worried sick, mad just fueled full of emotions. While the lab tech was taking blood from me, I was shacking so bad, I ended up telling her why I was doing this, she said "I know just what you are going through, my husband is out there two". Like I said he was going down in a big hurry and so was he body functions, maybe in the beginning he was very sexual but the crack took that away as well, he could not even go to the bathroom properly.

I went to al-anon, there was no nar-anon here, but it sure helped me out, took the numb feeling away, the support was incredable, it was just what I needed to keep me moving and coming here as well. I met some ladies here from close by, one lady from here in Nanaimo and "Theotherside"

I really feel for you,

Rose

Oliveoyl

I would take every single dime that you can. Every dime. If their are legal ramifications, deal with them later. I'm so sorry. BTDT and it's not fun. Please protect yourself financially @ least. That is alot of money and it will be gone in no time.

kiki5711

WITHDRAW ALL THE MONEY EXCEPT $19.99. He's not spending it on getting well. He's partying like there's no tomorrow.

Kindeyes

I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. I'm sure that it feels absolutely awful. You hit the nail on the head when you said that he is your addiction. We are as addicted to the A's in our lives as they are to drugs.

You have some choices here. We always have choices but sometimes we either can't see them or don't want to go there. But hopefully, since you are facing the reality that he is going down a path that can take you under too......you will choose to survive and thrive.

I'm sure your heart is hurting badly right now.....and that pain is there for a reason. It is the pain that you feel that will help you make the choices that will be best for you.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs

tam

Im so sorry your going through, my only advice is PROTECT YOURSELF, get your finances and any assets away from him.
I was in your shoes dec.2009, when my AH of 26 years ran away. although our stories may differ, it all comes down to addiction and what addiction does to them and us.
if I didnt control our accounts and assets, I wouldnt be here sitting in our home and be typing this.
as far as his motocycle, dont be surprised if he shows up with the police to get it or anything that has his name on it, been there done that.

Keep getting support for yourself, I know your in a dark lonely hole right now, I feel your pain, but there is hope for you as long as you educate yourself,
protect yourself and take care of you.

learn all you can about enabling, detaching and coping skills..its not to say you wont trip or fall off the horse , but least you will gain strength to get through this awful mess.

as far as dealing with the ideas its not him, it isnt, we all know that, but ultimately its them who are in control of their destiny. I too worried about my AH health, him taking his bipolar/diabetes meds and not surviving, well, all that did was cause more stress on me....no matter what I did or say, nothing changed..today, nothing still has changed..

we are all here for you, this forum is fantastic in supporting you, you might also want to go to meetings and talk to a therapist as well, the journey can be rocky and its important you seek support.

tjp613

^^This.

I was once in a similar situation. It was my 'bottom'. I was in soooo much pain and I was TIRED of being in pain. Deep inside I knew what I needed to do to get better. I mustered all the strength I had and I did it--I did it RIGHT. I actually had to go through many very low moments to get there, but I eventually did. I pray that someday soon you will find that strength you need to do the right thing for YOU.

We're here. ((((Hugs))))

rose

I re-read your post, I understand why you gave him free rain with the $8000.00. Just be very very careful with him as I did take what money was left from my husband, put it in an account that he had no access to, when he was broke and in need of his fix of crack he became VOILENT like I have never seen before, it was the most terrifying experience for me and our 2 boys. He broke into the house in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT got a tire iron and started smashing everything in sight, I locked our animals in a room, as there was no doubt in my mind that he would have harmed or even killed one of them, he had myself and our boys backed up into a corner with the tire iron over our heads, smashed all of the phones. He then took me out of the house with the tire iron over my head, demanded me to drive to the bank machine to get him money. My boys we so TERRIFIED, they managed to get phone back together and called 911, the POLICE caught up with us about 5 miles away, 5 police cars with there guns drawn demanding he get out of the truck with his hands up and lay on the ground.

Please be safe, have your locks changed now if you already haven't, keep a phone by you at all times! He knows you have money, he is going to be heading for one big crash and will do anything and I mean anything to get his fix.

He is at a point that I remember all to well from my hushand (ex), seedy hotels, $400.00 a day that became not enough, the knew found friends junkies, crack addicts, prostitutes you name it, he was knew on the block, still had a vehicle and cash. It was quick lived though, he lost his pick up and was driving this beater around that I called the crack mobile, then that was gone I saw him peddling a 40 year old bike down the road, after that he was the magazine delivery man in jail!

It is hard to believe I know, but SAFETY is number one right now! I know there are thousands of people going through the samething, but one case that still sticks out in my mind while I was going through it was another lady across town, her husband doing the same, she was out early in the morning waiting for a bus to go to work, he was waiting in the bushes for her with a knife....pour sole didn't know what hit her!

Rose

Oliveoyl

OMG Rose ~ I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I know xah had his fist drawn back @ me with hatred. I had pushed him before, but that time I turned my head because I knew it was coming. Thankfully he didn't, but I was prepared for it and frankly scared. This was all while my kids were eating cheerios @ the breakfast table. I remember trying to down play it the best that I could for them.

It's eery how we're all here, but don't know the whole story. I'm so sorry Rose. You too CFOM. Please listen to others who have went before you.

CanfixONLYme

Holy crap... what a lot of horror stories you ladies have gone through. You should be proud that you seem to be doing good today though and have the strength to share your stories. Thank you.

My AH withdrew all the remaining funds from this account. I did manage to get about $1500 before he did... --- and yes, I do have $$ that he has no access to. He signed an affidavit saying he relinquishes all rights to it and any future monies that come in from the estate. It won't be much... well, maybe $10,000 max... which I guess is a lot of money --- just won't be coming anytime soon.

The locks were changed and I can honestly say that I have never felt physically threatened by him but am taking precautions (ie: taking different routes etc)., just in case he does something stupid.

My prayer is that he hits bottom without dying and seeks true help. It's only through some miracle however, that may happen... but I need to focus on my schooling and life. I am seeking counselling... it's one of the biggest things on my mind right now. I'm seeking help through school counsellors, the community counselling and through this special anxiety program I'm starting this Tues.

Thanks again for your words of encouragement. I hope that I can do the same one day when you are in need of it.

f. - Vancouver

verobearo

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would just transfer all the money out. and put a restraining order against him. my addict has called me names and yelled and screamed but i need to pay bills. if he wants to use i cant stop him but i wont help him either. all the money goes from our joint to my sole account. my addict is in rehab atm (heroin) so its very hard. hope you find peace

Desperate10

My boyfriend is a crack addict and he has been in motel rooms and crack houses with prostitutes and he swears that he doesn't have sex with them. He tells me that he buys from them instead of the dealer because they don't rip him off. but why do they smoke it with him? I think that he is lying. I have been with him 2 years and he is always disappearing for days and he doesn't tell me where he is. I have called his phone and a woman has answered twice and he says that he let someone borrow his phone. He is two kids with two different woman that he doesn't see because he has no money to support them. He puts his own addiction first. It makes me sick that he is doing all of this. Sometimes he threatens to leave me and complains about ME and He is the problem. I love him, but how can he love me if he is spending his time with these disgusting people. And all of his friends are alcoholics or drug addicts and none of them like me. He keeps telling me that he has no interest in sex at all when he is getting high. I have read and heard some crack cocaine addicts say that they cannot perform but want sex. So what does that mean? That they cannot ejaculate but still have intercourse. I want to believe that he is telling the truth, but why the hell is he in a motel room with a *****? What do the crack addicts have to say about this? One former addict told me that he used to always get a prostitute for sex when he would buy crack. And others have said that they never had sex and some would say that they wanted sex, but would just get high alone in their apartments. Help me out someone please? I don't do drugs, I don't drink nor sleep around. I have been trying to get him to go to church without success.

lesliej

oh dear.
for one thing...you can't believe anything he says.
you need help dear desperate one. have you been to a meeting?
I have spent two years asking questions, trying to understand something that makes no sense and is horrifically destructive.
if you are giving your heart to a man who smokes crack with prostitutes in motel rooms...and he is admitting to that much of the "truth" than I can't even imagine what he is "not" telling you.

asking all the questions you want will never get you any answers that you want to hear...not when the questions deal with crack addiction...and crack addiction & sex.
ask the questions of yourself...of what is good for you. what is good for you desperate one? is your spirit, heart and soul thriving in this relationship? find support to start asking the hard questions of yourself...those are the only questions you can really get answers to.

godspeed

useyourwords

IMHO- get out! It sounds like in your gut you know he is lying! Addicts lie and manipulate and we often only get a very very small percent of the truth. Sadly, things are probably far worse than you know. You cannot fix him or save him. All you can do is take care of yourself. Get HIV and STD tested. Read the stickies here, look for alanon or naranon in you area. Keep posting and reading here- it is a great place for support.