Issues
 

Hi Everyone,
Hope this update finds everyone well.

I have so many issues to talk out, I'm not sure where to begin.

Mr. Moose and I are in Florida, screening our calls, since oldest AS, who is now sober, but still acting like a maniac, calls frequently, and for some reason, everytime he calls, he somehow baits me, and ends up telling me I am siding with the baby momma.

Our grandson turned 2 today, and we have been Skyping, and talking to him on the phone occasionally.

Baby momma filed domestic abuse charges against oldest AS, because she states he was harrassing her, so, he cannot see her, or his son, ..I am doing my best to remain neutral...which my son finds aggravating because I should be on his side, but because of all the past lies...I can't believe either of them, my only concern is the baby. The problem is, she may want AS completely OUT of her life and the babys, and may have been telling lies concerning AS, but I have no proof of anything, and like I said, can't believe either of them, and don't really care, although the situation is sad for the baby.

Baby momma called today and said she may come down for a few days on her Spring break. She works and attends college. She was invited. I do not want my AS to know she is coming, because, to tell you the truth, I will never hear then end of it. Although why does that bother me?

And other youngest AS is now comfortably in prison serving his 17 months for dealing.
I wrote him, and told him not to phone, only to write, and that I would occasionally place money on his books, and to use the money wisely. Right.

Yikes, does it never end?

Step one, step one, step one....lol

Hugs to you all........

You probably feel like you are being disloyal to your son, because of the ranting he is doing about feeling you are taking side, their words still bite even though we try and let it go in one ear and our the other. Sounds like he is still playing some of that manipulation game with you. I don't know if it is such a great idea hiding the fact she is coming to spend sometime with you, somewhere down the road it might come out and that might be worse. Maybe tell him after she is gone and not to bother calling when he is in one of those foul moods.

On a better note how is Florida! This is somewhere that I have been giving some thought to for a vacation. Enjoy Moose!

Rose

I think it would bother me if I had to hide something like that from my child too.
You have to do what is best for your grandson.
If it is not safe for you to tell him that baby momma is coming to visit than you got to do it to protect your grandson.
I am not sure but your son may feel like you are on her side more if you don't tell him and he finds out on his own.
Sounds tough for sure. Good luck

(((Moose)))

Just remember that "you" get to call the shots on what is right in your life...and how other family members feel about that is just too darn bad.

You get to say who visits and who does not...you get to say whose calls you will answer or not...and you get to hang up on anyone having a hissy-fit on the other end.

That said, it's easier for me to say than to do...but you're my friend and the hair on my neck stands up when my friends are under pressure from "those people called kids". :D

Love you lots, enjoy your vacation and do whatever you need to do to protect your serenity...and give Mr. Moose a hug too from me. We are leaving tomorrow to head north again and will surely miss this sunshine and warm weather...but we missed most of winter so I can't complain.

Moose-sized hugs :hug:

I couldn't agree more Moosie. Chances are she will let him know to hurt him, but there is nothing you need to defend. You have the right to see your grandson no matter what it takes to do so, should you see it as reasonable.

Did you ever sit back and think of how we parents are obligated to take their crap thrown, in the name of family, but yet there are no rules for how the child treats the parents? Your son should have never put you in the middle to begin with. Maybe the gal isn't innocent in this, but she has something you want in your life...the baby.

As far as the little jailbird, my son is in jail at the moment also. He's doing better than he has been for years. I'll tell you, it isn't exactly the dungeons in that he seems to have adjusted and simply misses his freedom, which he had done nothing productive with anyway. I keep reminding my self that he being in jail isn't the same as if I was there ( as I used to imagine)

Whew...I think I just vented. BTW...could you imagine ME in jail?! :react
Must be why I keep my butt on the right side of the law lol

Moose
I can completely understand your position. I also have a grandson (5 yrs old) and my AS and his exgirlfriend are not together. It has been a struggle to maintain neutrality but I have managed to do it and, as a result, I get to see my sweet grandson frequently.

I have never hid from my son the times that I have spent with my grandson. His exgf has not filed any charges against him, nor has he given her any reason to, so I don't have that issue to deal with. However, I do deal with my AS making very derrogatory comments about exgf and he constangly whines about how he doesn't get to see his son. To which I reply: "Son, I am not responsible for your relationship with exgf. I elect to stay on good terms with her so that I can spend time with my grandson. How you choose to handle your relationship is your business.....and what I choose to do is my business. Conversation over."

The really sad part of all of this (which is why I have absolutely NO sympathy for my AS) is that he generally always knows when his son is here with me and he often makes NO effort to come spend time with him. That is why his whinning has no affect on me. I just keep telling myself that I am not responsible for my AS's relationship with his exgf or his own son. It makes me sad.......but it is one more thing that I have no control over.

So enjoy the time you get to spend with your sweet grandchild and let the father rave on. My husband has a saying "Rave on cat poop.....someone will cover you up." It always makes me laugh.

gentle hugs

Dear Moose - The mother of your grandchild is the gatekeeper to your grandchild. It is best to give no opinions (even though that is so difficult for most of us). Tell your Son the truth, and live your life without secrets and set your boundaries. But you already knew that!
Have a great vacation - enjoy the sun and your Grandbaby.

Peacetrain,
I haven't ever had any issues with the baby's momma, and I leave all MY opinions in a sealed box when I speak with her. She attends college, and works.

She has NEVER been disrespectful, or had words with me, or Mr. Moose, actually, I like the girl, and it helps that she takes good care of my grandson.


He is always fed, clothed well, and clean, and THAT'S what is important to me. Plus, she has said, he would always be in our lives. It may help that we help her out alot also, by babysitting, I take her to lunch, etc.
BUT, I do that because I enjoy her company.

I just have to find a way to rid myself of my own son, who IS disrespectful, and hurtful. I like the baby momma way more than I like my own son, sad, but true.

I think I should write him a letter, maybe that way, I could get out MY feelings without being overpowered by him, but then again, why bother.
It's not going to change his Narcissistic views of everything.

Sadly, your son made his bed. And it has nothing to do with you. If I were in your shoes, I would not pass on a chance to be with my sweet (and innocent) grandbaby. I am happy for you that his mommy keeps you informed and lets you skype with him and SEE him. That is a wonderful thing. Hang in there!!!

Hi Moose, I don't post often anymore but this I had to reply to. Your grandson needs you and what you can offer him in life. Grandbabies need that connection and a sense of family as they grow up. I have 3 grandsons and noone will ever tell or be hurt by the fact that I spend time with them. Thats not an option in my life. Enjoy that lil guy and how else would he get to you but with his mom. Enjoy Florida and the warmth.

Moose,

Perhaps you can write the letter, to get your thoughts and feelings out. Much like a 4th step... but nothing says you have to send him the letter or share it with him. Sometimes, just purging ourselves of the angry feelings is enough.

I've learned that my relationships with various people are independent of one another, even if the people involved want to tangle them all together. As long as your grandson's mom is willing to have you in her life and the baby's, all is well . If that should change, then you may consider talking to a lawyer about grandparental rights, visitation etc. The good part is that you don't have to awfulize or worry about those things just yet.

Remember, what other people think about you is none of your business. Enjoy visits with the people you want to have visit, and snap some lovely pictures as you stroll on the beach.

Love and hugs from mom to mom.
Cats

Hi Moose!

I'm really glad that Baby Momma seems to be such a good mom and is open to having you in your grandson's life. Smart girl!

I know what helps me a lot is if friends ask me questions to help me look at different sides of the coin so I hope it is okay to do this...

What are the pros and cons of telling your son that Baby Mamma is coming? Are you willing to live with the consequences of either one? I know you feel like you won't hear the end of it but when he finds out (which is ultimately likely) then will you still never hear the end of it plus hear about the not telling him part?

I would definitely want to be seeing my grandbaby and feel that almost anything justifies that visit...that child needs you! At least your son is in a dfferent state right now. I'm learning alot about verbal abuse...mainly that I don't have to listent to anything that I don't want to hear. I sometimes forget that I do not have to hear someone out and can hang up the phone, not answer the phone, leave, etc.

What do you need to do to fully enjoy your visit with your grandbaby? I think that that is the main question!

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies.

Mr. Moose and I took a day trip to a National Wildlife Refuge today. (did not see one animal except a heron..lol) but, it was liberating, and such a beautiful day....

Didn't take our phones with us. (smart girl)

DID receive a message on my phone, from AS, which I have not listened to, nor replied, and don't plan on it either.

I get stronger coming here. I get stronger just listening to your replies, and smart sense......of which, sometimes, I lack.

Sometimes, I just need a good swift kick with those slippers, or a bean on the head..... silly me.

Hugs and hugs....

Moose
There is a lot to be said for geographic detachment;-) Enjoy it!
gentle hugs

....I'm all for geographic detachment!