tandem545

She's been dating the same abusive, drug dealing guy for the last 5 or so years. The last two years she got addicted to cocaine. So much family drama there. We weren't even sure she would show up to my wedding. Well, she did and actually had the nerve to bring [I]him[I]. She actually lived with him in an apartment despite the fact that he would beat her. We took her to the hospital one night for it, she was all into pressing charges, etc and then what do you know the next week charges are dropped and she's back with him.

A few months ago she had his baby. They broke up. She got clean during the pregnancy and so far as I know may be clean right now. Her motivation was so she could eventually prove to CPS that she could take care of the baby on her own. She was complying with random drug tests and an intensive rehab program set forth by CPS. She was applying for jobs too. She was adamant about reporting all this guy's dirt to CPS and my parents even hired a lawyer.

Long story short, she chickened out about reporting everything the guy has done to her and the baby. Now I think they are getting back together again despite everything he's done to her. When will she ever learn if not now? I predicted her to be on the road to getting pregnant before and now I'm calling her relapse now that she's back with this guy. It's just sickening. And the worst part is that she can never really get fully away from him because now she has his child. She's forever tied to him. And that poor baby. The guy's family pretty much claims that baby as their own (and my sister has suggested that it's just so they can get money from the state), and they somehow have CPS on their side despite evidence that they are not suitable caretakers.

I mean what other bottom or life changing event is there left that will make her change? Nothing. She will probably be under that guy's control for the rest of her life. It's like she's brainwashed. I am just so down about this now because for awhile I truly believed she would turn her life around.

Impurrfect

(((Tandem))) - I'm sorry. Though not a sister, I had to detach from my XABF because, while I got clean (I'm an RA and recovering codie), HE chose to keep on with the crack. He didn't want my help.

I can't tell you why she stays with him, other than when we're severely codependent, we don't see a way out. It's like we're comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yep, the situation is bad, but the very thought of changing what we know is terrifying, even if it's what we need to do.

Detaching is hard, but if we don't do it, we get sucked down into their life, and that's really, really bad.

Hugs and prayers to you, your sister and the baby,

Amy

keepinon

Have you read up much on abuse?Your sisters story is fairly typical..the cycle of abuse is a process addiction.That's why she says she wants out and means it at the time only to turn around and go back.Abusers favorite thing to do is isolate the victim from their family and friends leaving them more dependant.She may well have a bottom, but hasn't hit it yet.It seems unfathomable to those watching that our loved ones haven't "hit bottom" when our "bottom " would've been miles before.
I would reccomend alanon for you..it has really helped me love those in trouble without treying to "save" them...