itsmee

here's my story...
My boyfriend of a year and four months is addicted to oxy. I knew this before we started going out and I said no to him the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend because I didn't want to deal with going out with an addict but he asked me again promising that he was getting clean so I said yes.

Since then, it's been back and forth with him being clean and him using. The first time I found out he lied to me was on our first Valentine's day when I showed up at his apartment with all of my presents for him ready ton spend a nice say together and he was in his bed too sick to do anything, and hadn't even gotten me flowers because he'd spent all of his money on drugs. I spent my valentine's day cleaning up his apartment, cleaning the dishes that had been laying around for days because he'd been too high to take care of them, going to the drugstore to get him some stuff to help him feel better, and taking care of him. And this happened several more times...another time he got free tickets to a museum and we decided to take my two little cousins. Well, the day to go to the museum comes around and he's really sick...he just kept complaining about how bad he felt and was acting cranky and totally ruining our good time...finally we went to get lunch and I left him in the car while I took my cousins inside, I felt so horrible because I was had wanted to do something fun with them because they're such good little kids and instead they were scared and asking all these questions because they didn't know what was wrong with him, when we got back to the car I then had to bring my sick boyfriend back to his apartment while they were watching because he was insisting that he couldn't even wait for me to bring them home because he was so sick.

Last summer I studied abroad. Starting about two months before I left I started to notice that something was really wrong. I kept confronting him and saying he was lying to me about something but he kept insisting that I was being crazy...and honestly, I just wanted to be wrong so badly that it was easier thinking that I was a psycho paranoid girlfriend than he was lying to me.

So I studied abroad, had a great time...and when I came home, my parents and boyfriend were waiting for me and instead of being happy to see them I saw how pale and skinny he had gotten and how sick he looked and all that went through my mind was "here we go again..."

He sat me down two days after I'd come home and it turns out it was worst than I'd thought...since the oxy was so expensive he had started using heroin. His plan was to get off of it while I was away but that turned into "well, since she's not here, I don't have to plan using drugs around seeing her anymore..." and he was doing it all the time. He lost his job and spent all of his money and had to come clean to his parents because he couldn't afford to pay his bills anymore and needed help and they were making him get help. I was totally devastated, but glad that he was finally getting help.

he was in an outpatient program, 5 days a week and weekly drug testing, and I really thought that everything was going to be better. But he graduated the program after 6 months and started using oxy again literally DAYS later.

There was the night I found out he was using again...right now we both work at a grocery store and he was off before me and we went around the store picking out ingredients because he said he wanted to cook me dinner that night...so I get off of work and head to his apartment all excited for the nice dinner that my nice boyfriend was making me...only to see that his door is locked and all of the lights are off. I'm BANGING on the door and blowing up his phone and he's not answering either. Finally I give up and decide to leave and he walks over to me as I'm walking away saying he's sorry and he just "went for a walk..." well, he never does that so we had a big fight and he finally admitted the truth to me and I broke up with him. He tried standing in front of my car so that I couldn't drive away but I threatened to start blowing the horn if he didn't move so he did...and when I get back to my house I see his truck parked out front and realize that he's BEATEN ME TO MY HOUSE. He tried to talk to me but I tell him to leave me alone and I run inside.

Later that night I call him and he's crying, which I've never seen/heard him do before...he's like "it wasn't worth it, it's not worth losing you over, i love you so much, please give me a chance to fix everything..." so I say that we can be together.

A few days later he's sick...again...and I make him admit that he's lying again...and I went into my bedroom and start crying into my pillow. Five minutes later my phone rings and I assume it's him so I pick up the phone...it's his MOTHER...and she asks me what's wrong and I say it's nothing and she says "if you're crying because of my son you should tell me" so I say yeah, that's why I'm crying. Then she says "the reason I called you is because our bank account is linked with his and we checked it today and saw that he's withdrawn several hundred dollars in the last couple of days...we've pretty much figured out what's going on and we wanted to see what you knew." Apparently they had had a big fight about it that day and he had told them that i knew everything...obviously I didn't.

After that incident they took away his money, all he has is a credit card that he can use at the stores...they hold onto his debit card and if he ever needs cash he has to ask them for some (we're talking about a friggin 26-YEAR-OLD who can't be trusted with money). I know that relapses are common so when he told me that he was going to go back to the program I figured I could stay with him, but it's been almost a month and he kept saying he wasn't going because there were "insurance problems" that he and his parents need to figure out. well, tonight he admitted he was lying (again) because he just doesn't want to go back...he's overly shy and he says it's because he hates having to go to group and being expected to talk to people and I just think it's bull because he needs to be doing SOMETHING because he's not going to get better by sitting in his house playing xbox all day and letting his parents control his money for the rest of his life...to his credit he does have a therapist who he sees twice a week but he's been doing that for months now, since before I studied abroad and it obviously ISN'T working...we've "broken up" several times over this, and the last time it happened he more or less threatened to kill himself and I said I was sorry and I haven't tried breaking up again...

I am just at my rope's end...it's all I can think about and it's taking away from my school performance, my social life...I'm not myself anymore. I've been having a lot of blowups with my family lately and after one particularly huge fight in which I almost got kicked out of my house my parents were like "what's wrong with you lately, can't you just talk to us?" and i broke down and told them everything...i thought they would make me break up with him but surprisingly they didn't, they just said that it was good that I was trying to help him and that I should go to a nar-anon meeting...I found a meeting in my town but the nar-anon website has a date and time for it that's not reflected on the website of the church that holds it, I tried calling the church but no one picked up and I got the number of someone who works for nar-anon that I can call to confirm when the meeting is...I found this website and I thought maybe if I could at least share my story with a few people here until I go to a meeting I'll feel a little better...

One thing that frustrates me is how much everyone loves him and how no one knows just how much this effects me...my parents love him and even after telling them what's going on they haven't said anything bad about him. All of my friends are like "he's such a sweetheart, you're so lucky!" and i just don't know how to react. Literally until a few days ago when I told my parents I had been keeping all of this inside for a YEAR...and yes, I have tried to break up with him, but that's been more out of wanting to protect myself and be able to concentrate on my grades (i'm in my last semester of college) instead of all of this, but I still love him...don't get me wrong, if it weren't for the oxy/heroin, he'd be perfect for me.

I know this was a long post, and let me say thank you if you've read it until the end. I'm literally crying at my computer right now. I just don't know what to do anymore :'(
p.s. i know that a lot of this is rambling and doesn't make sense...I don't even care right now, I'm really emotional, I'm sorry

suki44883

I'm so sorry you are involved in all that. I'm also sorry to say he's just doing what addicts do. An addict has no business in a relationship because the most important thing to them is their next high. Sure, when they think you've had enough and are ready to leave, they'll cry and make all kinds of promises that they'll quit and that everything will be fine. Don't fall for it. It isn't true. You deserve better than this. You sound like an intelligent young woman with a bright future ahead of you. You don't need to have an addict jeopardizing that.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. Hope you'll stick around and read a lot and post when you feel comfortable. We're here to support you.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....I hope you find comfort here.

It's good that you got your story out of you. Throwing up all of that emotion and pain is a good first step. Reading your own entry here will show you how very out of control we can feel when we love an addict. And the truth of the matter is.......we are out of control. We want them to get clean and sober more than they want it for themselves but it is out of our control.

I'm glad to hear that you are planning on attending Naranon. And I hope that you can dedicate yourself to several meetings before you make a decision on whether to continue or not. Many people attend just one meeting and make a decision that it's not right for them. For me, the first meeting was uncomfortable. It would have been easy to say "It's not for me." but I kept going back and I find great comfort there with others who completely understand what it's like to love someone addicted to drugs.

I hope you stick around here too. There is so much collective wisdom here and many have traveled the path that you are on. You'll find understanding and compassion here.

While you are waiting for your meeting, and if you like to read, any of the books by Melody Beattie are good--particularly Codependent No More. That particular book may be a good one to give as a gift to his parents as well. There are many great books on the topic of addiction. If you intend to continue a relationship with this young man, it is a good idea to arm yourself with knowledge about addiction and how it affects everyone around it. It is a family disease and eventually, it makes all of us sick. But there is hope and there is recovery for us.....whether the addict continues to use or not.

gentle hugs

outtolunch

Believe him. He's not committed to his own recovery. He's doing what addicts do. It's almost textbook classic. It's not personal. It just feels that way, right now.

hello-kitty

That's a big IF!!!!! And right now, since he's on oxy/heroin, he's NOT perfect for you.

And you cannot force him to get better. You cannot stop him from lying. You cannot change him, cure him, or control him.

I know it's hard to watch someone you believe has so much potential make choices you don't agree with. But they are his choices to make. He's showing you by his actions that he's not ready to do the work that he needs to do to get better. It's more than just quitting drugs. Recovery is a lifetime commitment.

It seems like you are an intelligent girl with a lot to offer another person and the world in general. He's been living this way for longer than he's known you. His addiction is progressing. That's normal. No one really knows when or if it will stop. Not even him. How long are you willing to wait? How low are you willing to go with him before you focus on yourself and your future and let go?

Do you have any boundaries about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life? Because right now, your actions say no - no matter what your words say. Just like his.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Your parents sound like some pretty together folks.

I would follow their advice.

And if you can't manage to find Naranon, you could always try Alanon, they won't turn you away

itsmee

Thank you everyone! There's a lot of stuff being said that I've known for a while but haven't wanted to admit to myself...now that I've heard it in outside opinions i really need to let it sink in.