Son is a recovering addict, need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1
Son is a recovering addict, need advice
Hey all,
Son started all this about 2 years ago. Long story short we pressed charges against him for stealing. He is out on bail, not by us, and is living at home. Since being bailed out he has been put on probation with random drug testing. Told me yesterday he is now 29 days drug free. I believe him, he acts alot different now. Anyway we have rules. he is 20 and thinks they should not apply to him. Simple rules, keep room clean, get up before 9 am, show respect. We also told him when he got out of jail that he needed to get a job, he did. Works about 10 hours a week. He seems to be happy with that. We however are not. Has changed friends, others dont even call anymore. But the attitude towards me, mom, is terrible. Says he can't stand my voice or me. Thinks rules are dumb. I guesss what i am asking is how much do we tolerate because of drug abuse affects? He acts like he is 15. He is getting rehab help, outpatient. How deep do drug abuse problems go? He acts like he has reverted to an earlier time? Does this make sense?
Son started all this about 2 years ago. Long story short we pressed charges against him for stealing. He is out on bail, not by us, and is living at home. Since being bailed out he has been put on probation with random drug testing. Told me yesterday he is now 29 days drug free. I believe him, he acts alot different now. Anyway we have rules. he is 20 and thinks they should not apply to him. Simple rules, keep room clean, get up before 9 am, show respect. We also told him when he got out of jail that he needed to get a job, he did. Works about 10 hours a week. He seems to be happy with that. We however are not. Has changed friends, others dont even call anymore. But the attitude towards me, mom, is terrible. Says he can't stand my voice or me. Thinks rules are dumb. I guesss what i am asking is how much do we tolerate because of drug abuse affects? He acts like he is 15. He is getting rehab help, outpatient. How deep do drug abuse problems go? He acts like he has reverted to an earlier time? Does this make sense?
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Cheapsk8,
Welcome to SR. Im sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. You asked how much do we tolerate because of the drug use effects...well i think that the answer is up to you. How much do you WANT to tolerate? I had to set boundaries with my addict/alcoholic Brother, and also with my ex addict fiance. I try not to cross those, but I slip once in a while. I believe if you want some peace & serenity in your life then you need to consider the boundaries that will help you acheive that. When my *boys* treated me bad (which was not very often) I would not take it personally. Drug abuse problems stem very deep. I had to educate myself in order to understand addiction better. I am sure there will be posts from others soon here, so keep coming back & keep posting. =)
Welcome to SR. Im sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. You asked how much do we tolerate because of the drug use effects...well i think that the answer is up to you. How much do you WANT to tolerate? I had to set boundaries with my addict/alcoholic Brother, and also with my ex addict fiance. I try not to cross those, but I slip once in a while. I believe if you want some peace & serenity in your life then you need to consider the boundaries that will help you acheive that. When my *boys* treated me bad (which was not very often) I would not take it personally. Drug abuse problems stem very deep. I had to educate myself in order to understand addiction better. I am sure there will be posts from others soon here, so keep coming back & keep posting. =)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I don't allow anything from my recovering daughter that I wouldn't allow from my son or anyone else. If I use her disease as an excuse for bad behavior, then I've made it a crutch.
I was told that addicts revert back to the age they were before they started using, so I found myself with a daughter at the emotional age of 18. No matter, rules are rules and if she doesn't like them, she can leave. Her choice.
Are you getting any help for yourself? Alanon or Naranon meetings, therapy? The best piece of advice I got here was to "work the program you wish they would" and it's made all the difference in my world
I was told that addicts revert back to the age they were before they started using, so I found myself with a daughter at the emotional age of 18. No matter, rules are rules and if she doesn't like them, she can leave. Her choice.
Are you getting any help for yourself? Alanon or Naranon meetings, therapy? The best piece of advice I got here was to "work the program you wish they would" and it's made all the difference in my world
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Yes they are emotionally delayed..NO it doesn't make bad behavior ok. He is 20 years old, living at home and works 10 hours a week ..all while scoffing at the most basic of rules..doesn't sound good to me.I STRONGLY reccomend you go to ALanon/Naranon it has made all the difference in the world in my family.
Just from my persepective, my recovering daughter could not live at home.It is not best for either one of us or our recoveries.She is in a sober living where ..get ready..SHE HAS TO DO CHORES,TAKE CARE OF HERSELF, GO TO 5 MEETINGS a WEEK..her curfew is 930 on wknites and 1030 on weekends...sometimes, some would say MOST times, we are not their best option.My daughter just turned 19, but a major part of her recovery is learning how to live a sboer life and be a grown up.We do them no favors by enabling bad behavior..even if it's not drug related.
BTW..I love my daughter very much..she is coming home this weekend..she has alot more respect for me since I stopped being her doormat.
Just from my persepective, my recovering daughter could not live at home.It is not best for either one of us or our recoveries.She is in a sober living where ..get ready..SHE HAS TO DO CHORES,TAKE CARE OF HERSELF, GO TO 5 MEETINGS a WEEK..her curfew is 930 on wknites and 1030 on weekends...sometimes, some would say MOST times, we are not their best option.My daughter just turned 19, but a major part of her recovery is learning how to live a sboer life and be a grown up.We do them no favors by enabling bad behavior..even if it's not drug related.
BTW..I love my daughter very much..she is coming home this weekend..she has alot more respect for me since I stopped being her doormat.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
My AS is 23 however has the maturity level of an 18 year old. There maturity level stops at the age the addiction starts. I think your house rules are quite reasonable. Every young adult needs boundaries and rules ( addicts or not) . Naranon or therapy for yourself at this point would be extremely helpful.
How true we get alot more respect when we stop being there door mats.
How true we get alot more respect when we stop being there door mats.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
I know how hard it is to have your child home with you and I agree that rules need to be in place but you need to add respect to your list of rules. It doesn't matter what age he is you should accept no less than respect from anyone especially your own child.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 52
I think a light turned on for me regarding the disrespect when I realized that I was putting up with stuff from our AS that I wouldn't tolerate from anyone else, including my husband, whom I vowed to "love, honor and cherish till death do us part." I had to start looking for answers within as to why I was behaving this way....it wasn't doing AS any good, and it sure wasn't doing me any good. Sadly, I let it go on so long that even now that he's been in rehab 6 months I still have a lot of memories of painful episodes that I might have avoided if I'd been less tolerant, and a lot of anger that I still need to work through....anger at him, and anger at myself for not believing my dignity and self-respect were important, too.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Cheapsk8, Welcome to SR!!!
It sounds as though you have already begun laying out boundaries for yourself with your AS. Ultimately, my hubby had to kick his AS out of his house (this was before we got married) because he was scary, abusive, not contributing anything to the household, and he was 27 at the time!
Your house should be your safe haven, your harbor from all the other hardships in life....you deserve to be treated with respect.
I hope that you are involved in some face-to-face support as well (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon).
Huge hugs to you!!! HG
It sounds as though you have already begun laying out boundaries for yourself with your AS. Ultimately, my hubby had to kick his AS out of his house (this was before we got married) because he was scary, abusive, not contributing anything to the household, and he was 27 at the time!
Your house should be your safe haven, your harbor from all the other hardships in life....you deserve to be treated with respect.
I hope that you are involved in some face-to-face support as well (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon).
Huge hugs to you!!! HG
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