New HERE looking for advice....LOST
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 7
New HERE looking for advice....LOST
Looking for advice on BOUNDARIES....
My story; my wife is recovering from a 4yr long opiate addiction. Started out with serious pain and had to have surgery for her back. She spent 16 days in-patient and is currently working with an intensive outpatient program 3 days a week (she is about 40 days clean now
). WE are having a problem communicating and the counselors suggested that I set some boundaries. My wife is completely opposing this as she thinks we are married and should share/experience everything together (or at least that's what I think). The counselor mentioned that boundaries cause distance. I feel like we have been distant in one way or another for the past 4 yrs since this addiction took over. PLEASE anyone that could help out I would greatly appreciate advice please!!!
My story; my wife is recovering from a 4yr long opiate addiction. Started out with serious pain and had to have surgery for her back. She spent 16 days in-patient and is currently working with an intensive outpatient program 3 days a week (she is about 40 days clean now
). WE are having a problem communicating and the counselors suggested that I set some boundaries. My wife is completely opposing this as she thinks we are married and should share/experience everything together (or at least that's what I think). The counselor mentioned that boundaries cause distance. I feel like we have been distant in one way or another for the past 4 yrs since this addiction took over. PLEASE anyone that could help out I would greatly appreciate advice please!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Boundaries are healthy and necessary for a productive, satisfying life. Without boundaries, people will walk all over you.
Boundaries are 'I statements' regarding the kind of behavior that you are willing to accept in life and consequences are what you will do if someone violates your boundaries. They help you stay true to your values. They are personal.
Your boundaries really have nothing to do with your wife or sharing experiencing with her. You still share experiences when you have boundaries. They have to do with you. They have to do with self-respect.
I think it's very disrespectful when a person doesn't want you to set any boundaries about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life. That's a huge red flag to me.
Your wilfe should also set her own boundaries about the kind of behavior she is willing to accept in her life so you guys don't roll over each other - so that both can be clear about your expectations, your wants, your values.
I can't understand why any healthy person would have a problem with someone else setting boundaries - unless they were already planning on violating them.
Boundaries are 'I statements' regarding the kind of behavior that you are willing to accept in life and consequences are what you will do if someone violates your boundaries. They help you stay true to your values. They are personal.
Your boundaries really have nothing to do with your wife or sharing experiencing with her. You still share experiences when you have boundaries. They have to do with you. They have to do with self-respect.
I think it's very disrespectful when a person doesn't want you to set any boundaries about the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your life. That's a huge red flag to me.
Your wilfe should also set her own boundaries about the kind of behavior she is willing to accept in her life so you guys don't roll over each other - so that both can be clear about your expectations, your wants, your values.
I can't understand why any healthy person would have a problem with someone else setting boundaries - unless they were already planning on violating them.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I can't understand why any healthy person would have a problem with someone else setting boundaries - unless they were already planning on violating them.
"We have enough boundaries already, you are such an uptight b...h, I am helping you."
Uhh,.......nope.
Boundaries are healthy and work well with healthy people gettintoknowme.
The concept can be difficult if your boundaries are weak or non-existant, but once you get it, you got it.
Beth
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 50
This is EXACTLY the post I needed to read. I am also having a REALLY hard time with boundaries. My AH is in his second week of rehab and I am stressing about when he leaves. I really needed this post to help me... and it has. In fact, I think I am going to start writing a list today, this way I have time to revise it over and over again if needed... and also to keep as a reminder to myself.
xoxo to all!
xoxo to all!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 7
Thanks everyone for your comments, suggestions. I did make a list of boundaries for ME!!! I have been a selfless person for so long I don't know how to be selfish.... But I think that this could be a good thing. As a matter of fact, I am going to make a list of family rules/boundaries with my family on Tuesday night!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
Just be careful to avoid "family rules/boundaries" that tell other people what they can or cannot do. Boundaries are personal. Know what you will do when a boundary is crossed and make sure you follow through. Good luck to you.
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