Daughter leaving rehab today, questions/advice
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
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Daughter leaving rehab today, questions/advice
My daughter is leaving rehab today after only a little more than 3 weeks. She has been in sober living for only 2 days. It was a 6 month program.
They said because of her attitude on insisting she do things HER way, that there is nothing more they can do for her-she isn't ready to clean up. That at this point, it's a waste of our money and their time. One of our requirements for her to come back home was she couldn't leave the program until they said she could. They say she can...
She failed doing it her way last time and I expect her to fail again-because of her resistant attitude.
I wasn't in naranon/alanon last time and failed miserably at helping her.
She is in denial about how bad her heroin addiction is. She claimed withdrawals was the "flu", NA is stupid, she isn't as bad as all the others there, she knows what she needs to do and it isn't all of the stuff they taught her etc etc...
She will be coming here to live (she is 18). She knows our boundaries, but I don't expect her to keep them. I expect we will be throwing her out within the next couple of months.
My question is how to react to well meaning family on giving me advice on what to do with her when she gets home?
"Lock her down", "only online college courses", "no use of her car, phone", "no friends" etc etc
These are all against the advise I have been getting from the meetings. I tried all that last time and it obviously didn't work.
On top of everything else, these people are STRESSING me out with their unsolicited advice!
I have explained to them I am going to do what the program tells me to do to the "T".
I have told them that I cannot control what she does-she has to make up her own mind. I just don't have to tolerate it. I've tried to explain NA to them and they (like her) think it is "stupid".
They won't let up.
They are leaving messages on my VM, emailing me... etc because I stopped taking their calls because it was stressing me out so bad to listen to them.
Is there some prophetic words I can state over and over to them to tell them to lay off, and tell them they don't know what they are doing??
They said because of her attitude on insisting she do things HER way, that there is nothing more they can do for her-she isn't ready to clean up. That at this point, it's a waste of our money and their time. One of our requirements for her to come back home was she couldn't leave the program until they said she could. They say she can...
She failed doing it her way last time and I expect her to fail again-because of her resistant attitude.
I wasn't in naranon/alanon last time and failed miserably at helping her.
She is in denial about how bad her heroin addiction is. She claimed withdrawals was the "flu", NA is stupid, she isn't as bad as all the others there, she knows what she needs to do and it isn't all of the stuff they taught her etc etc...
She will be coming here to live (she is 18). She knows our boundaries, but I don't expect her to keep them. I expect we will be throwing her out within the next couple of months.
My question is how to react to well meaning family on giving me advice on what to do with her when she gets home?
"Lock her down", "only online college courses", "no use of her car, phone", "no friends" etc etc
These are all against the advise I have been getting from the meetings. I tried all that last time and it obviously didn't work.
On top of everything else, these people are STRESSING me out with their unsolicited advice!
I have explained to them I am going to do what the program tells me to do to the "T".
I have told them that I cannot control what she does-she has to make up her own mind. I just don't have to tolerate it. I've tried to explain NA to them and they (like her) think it is "stupid".
They won't let up.
They are leaving messages on my VM, emailing me... etc because I stopped taking their calls because it was stressing me out so bad to listen to them.
Is there some prophetic words I can state over and over to them to tell them to lay off, and tell them they don't know what they are doing??
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Tell those "well meaning" folks to mind their own business and you are finished discussing it with them; then, don't discuss it with them.
Is there some reason why you feel she should come back to your home?
Is there some reason why you feel she should come back to your home?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
She is coming back here because we agreed she could, if she did what rehab told her to and left when THEY said she could, not when SHE decided to.
The therapist said she is ready to come home.
The owner and the counselors all say she isn't. The latter said she is compliant and going through the motions...
The therapist gets the final say there.
So, we are holding up our end of the deal.
The therapist said she is ready to come home.
The owner and the counselors all say she isn't. The latter said she is compliant and going through the motions...
The therapist gets the final say there.
So, we are holding up our end of the deal.
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
Advice is simply …someone else’s agenda, well intentioned or not.
The hardest thing for me to learn was to listen to myself..my own inner voice, the answers are there.
When confused if I simply waited, which was difficult for me, but eventually I would decide on a course of action.
Often the right thing to do was nothing at all.
It seems so often, everyone has a plan they want implemented, but we are the ones that have to live with the decisions we make.
We have the answers we seek. We also know what we would like to deny.
Sigh
The hardest thing for me to learn was to listen to myself..my own inner voice, the answers are there.
When confused if I simply waited, which was difficult for me, but eventually I would decide on a course of action.
Often the right thing to do was nothing at all.
It seems so often, everyone has a plan they want implemented, but we are the ones that have to live with the decisions we make.
We have the answers we seek. We also know what we would like to deny.
Sigh
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
She is in denial about how bad her heroin addiction is. She claimed withdrawals was the "flu", NA is stupid, she isn't as bad as all the others there, she knows what she needs to do and it isn't all of the stuff they taught her etc etc...
She will be coming here to live (she is 18). She knows our boundaries, but I don't expect her to keep them. I expect we will be throwing her out within the next couple of months.
Well, it's your decision, but I don't find the above to be a very good starting point. Cynical is right also in that she's being dropped from the program for non-compliance and that isn't exactly her holding up her end of the deal.
She will be coming here to live (she is 18). She knows our boundaries, but I don't expect her to keep them. I expect we will be throwing her out within the next couple of months.
Well, it's your decision, but I don't find the above to be a very good starting point. Cynical is right also in that she's being dropped from the program for non-compliance and that isn't exactly her holding up her end of the deal.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Hmm. Maybe your boundary for next time could be, 'you're welcome in my home after you complete a recovery program'.
You're already setting up for failure, expecting to kick her out.
This stuff is life or death. As an addict, I also thought I was a special little addict too. My issues were unique, my addiction was special and different, and no one could understand. blah blah.. whatever, I was a heroin junky who was on a straight path to a very early death in a very unattractive way. As special as I thought I was, and as different and angsty and all that ******** that I tried to tell people I was..I was only defending my drugs, while they were killing me. Your daughter (in my experienced opinion) is SO far away from wanting to recover, she can't even see it, much less honestly agree to pursue it. She is an active addict with a plan to stay that way. When an addict wants to get well, they (we) will do ANYTHING it takes to survive and recover.
Your house, your rules.. So because she was non-compliant with treatment, and they agreed she shouldn't be there since she wont follow a recovery program, that is in your eyes the same as her completing /graduating from a treatment/sober living program? Boy she has your wrapped around her pinky, my dear. By caving to her semantics "YOU SAID I COULD COME HOME IF THEYYYYY SAID I COULD".. you'll enable her to continue destroying herself, I'm afraid.
And that is your choice.
You're already setting up for failure, expecting to kick her out.
This stuff is life or death. As an addict, I also thought I was a special little addict too. My issues were unique, my addiction was special and different, and no one could understand. blah blah.. whatever, I was a heroin junky who was on a straight path to a very early death in a very unattractive way. As special as I thought I was, and as different and angsty and all that ******** that I tried to tell people I was..I was only defending my drugs, while they were killing me. Your daughter (in my experienced opinion) is SO far away from wanting to recover, she can't even see it, much less honestly agree to pursue it. She is an active addict with a plan to stay that way. When an addict wants to get well, they (we) will do ANYTHING it takes to survive and recover.
Your house, your rules.. So because she was non-compliant with treatment, and they agreed she shouldn't be there since she wont follow a recovery program, that is in your eyes the same as her completing /graduating from a treatment/sober living program? Boy she has your wrapped around her pinky, my dear. By caving to her semantics "YOU SAID I COULD COME HOME IF THEYYYYY SAID I COULD".. you'll enable her to continue destroying herself, I'm afraid.
And that is your choice.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 30
The staff specifically told me she WAS compliant. That's something I question?? Doing things HER way doesn't seem compliant to me. But, I am relatively new to all of this.
Honestly, I don't see a change in her other than she knows more of what people want to hear (and she has been detoxed).
These relatives making comments to me DID tell me they would take her in if I threw her out. I told them if they do, I do not want to hear updates or complaints from them.
It feels like if they take her in, they are underminding what is best for her?? But, I don't know...it just all feels wrong.
Honestly, I don't see a change in her other than she knows more of what people want to hear (and she has been detoxed).
These relatives making comments to me DID tell me they would take her in if I threw her out. I told them if they do, I do not want to hear updates or complaints from them.
It feels like if they take her in, they are underminding what is best for her?? But, I don't know...it just all feels wrong.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Anyone who takes her in, without demanding that she be in active recovery.. is undermining what is best for her.
Your only control in the matter is what you will or will not live with, in your house.
Your only control in the matter is what you will or will not live with, in your house.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
We "codies" are so hell bent on keeping our word..even when it's been twisted and manipulated, like in this situation, that we hurt not only ourselves , but our addicted loved ones as well.It does no good for a heroin addict to be calling the shots..its crazy..it's the insanity of addiction that we get sucked into...this is clearly not what you meant when you said they had to release her, yet she is holding you to a technicality..worse yet, you are letting her.How may lies has she told you..how many promises has she broken without a thought.This isn't breaking some promise to her, its giving in to the wishes of a not healthy person .You have the right to clarify and renegotiate that statement..or even admit that you were mistaken and now that you know better will not follow thru out of some misguided loyalty.
Experiencing the consequences of addiction are the most important reason that addicts want to get well..as long as they call the shots..why change?
Experiencing the consequences of addiction are the most important reason that addicts want to get well..as long as they call the shots..why change?
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Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I was definitely guilty of that - keeping my word no matter what my ex did or how much he violated his word or my boundaries.
It was also self-destructive and devestating to both of us, my sanity and his recovery. in my subconscious, I knew what I was doing was nuts - but I did it anyway - clinging to my distorted sense of pride and my sick reasoning was all I had at the time.
It was also self-destructive and devestating to both of us, my sanity and his recovery. in my subconscious, I knew what I was doing was nuts - but I did it anyway - clinging to my distorted sense of pride and my sick reasoning was all I had at the time.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Believe me..I only speak from experience..why didn't I just say NO?What was I so afraid of?The only thing that got my daughter clean was wallowing in her addiction..really living it..not slumming during the day and then coming home to the white picket fence where mommy and daddy supplied everything at night...she had to feel everything she lost and really get to know what it felt like to be dirty,broke,sad,without your family,sick,addicted,homeless,abused ..to decide that she wanted to quit.I did not get her clean..only she could do that, but i made sure I didn't contribute or soften the fall in any way..and that was for both of our sanities and recoveries....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Originally Posted by keepinon 
The only thing that got my daughter clean was wallowing in her addiction..really living it..not slumming during the day and then coming home to the white picket fence where mommy and daddy supplied everything at night...she had to feel everything she lost and really get to know what it felt like to be dirty,broke,sad,without your family,sick,addicted,homeless,abused ..to decide that she wanted to quit.I did not get her clean..only she could do that, but i made sure I didn't contribute or soften the fall in any way..and that was for both of our sanities and recoveries....
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Location: Waterford MI
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Originally Posted by cynical one
I would simply smile and thank your friends and family for inviting your daughter to stay with them while they help her recover. And, then ask them if they would update you every couple of months on her progress.
Being thrown out of rehab because she won't comply with the program is NOT the same as being discharged upon completion. She's playing you.
Being thrown out of rehab because she won't comply with the program is NOT the same as being discharged upon completion. She's playing you.
I was practically prostrate from bending over backwards, social service workers, Easter seals, hospitals, rehabs and even a short stint in a mental facility after a toxic night and nearly lethal dose of assorted drugs.
Please, for your own sanity, do not cushion her fall.
For her to have any shot at recovery she has to stop winning these semantic games with you.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, a stay in juvenile hall that truly embarassed her, until she turned 18 and went to the big girls jail. That did seem to have some effect.
Let her go to whatever family member will take her first, and I wonder if it will take a couple of months (after she comes home). If I were her, an active addict, I would be working out my first fix before I stepped in the door.
Your family members and friends have no idea what they are asking for once you invite in an addict. Things, jewelry, money, checkbooks everything portable and worth money will start to disappear.
jbyers, have you found a nar-anon program for yourself?
If not naranon, maybe alanon?
These groups will help you learn how to love your daughter without helping her in her addiction.
Beth
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Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
What i would say to the well meaning but harmful family memebers would be..the Dr's all say the best way to support her is to go to Alanon/naranon..I will send you the meeting times
Just hope that you know we are all coming from a place of love..this whole recovery thing is a process for us too..we may be annoying and say things that people don't want to hear, but its only because we have BEEN there..and much like we can see the train wreck coming with the addicts in our lives, we can see it also with the "codies" on here..
Just hope that you know we are all coming from a place of love..this whole recovery thing is a process for us too..we may be annoying and say things that people don't want to hear, but its only because we have BEEN there..and much like we can see the train wreck coming with the addicts in our lives, we can see it also with the "codies" on here..
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Location: Chicago area
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
I was definitely guilty of that - keeping my word no matter what my ex did or how much he violated his word or my boundaries.
It was also self-destructive and devestating to both of us, my sanity and his recovery. in my subconscious, I knew what I was doing was nuts - but I did it anyway - clinging to my distorted sense of pride and my sick reasoning was all I had at the time.
It was also self-destructive and devestating to both of us, my sanity and his recovery. in my subconscious, I knew what I was doing was nuts - but I did it anyway - clinging to my distorted sense of pride and my sick reasoning was all I had at the time.
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Well, I didn't let her move back in and within 24 hours of getting out she screwed up again. My son caught her at the corner store with a huge assembly of her drug friends, all high.
About a 1/2 hour after that, her friend (who I have never met) text me saying she was in a school parking lot having an anxiety attack and seizures.
Ironically, the last week she was in detox she said one of the clients there was having anxiety attacks and seizures. BS.
I told her friend if she was worried to call 911.
I can't keep living this...
About a 1/2 hour after that, her friend (who I have never met) text me saying she was in a school parking lot having an anxiety attack and seizures.
Ironically, the last week she was in detox she said one of the clients there was having anxiety attacks and seizures. BS.
I told her friend if she was worried to call 911.
I can't keep living this...
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[QUOTE=keepinon;2868935]What i would say to the well meaning but harmful family memebers would be..the Dr's all say the best way to support her is to go to Alanon/naranon..I will send you the meeting times
That's exactly what I did tonight. Thank you for that advice.
That's exactly what I did tonight. Thank you for that advice.
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