ready2learn

I posted a few weeks ago that my AS wanted to leave rehab, and I was freaking out about how to respond. I got some great advice here, wrote him a l o n g letter telling him he wouldn't be welcomed back with open arms, that I have choices, too. We last talked to him this past Sunday, and he didn't mention leaving - he was much more upbeat. We can visit him in about three weeks, which will be the first time since Christmas (he's 2 states away from home). I've decided to write him before our visit and tell him that we are looking forward to seeing him, and to help insure our visit together is enjoyable for all, I'm going to ask him for his word that he won't use our visit as an opportunity to try to leave the program and travel back home with us...if he can't do that, we won't schedule the visit.

Thank all of you again for the good advice to remain firm. I don't know if I would have done so otherwise. Sometimes I need to be whacked upside the head with common sense.

litehorse

you made a strong step for yourself and for your son - i pray you and your son will continue to make decisions that will bring peace into your lives - blessings for your visit -

sojourner

Thanks for the update Ready2Learn. I'm thinking we really have to be on our toes with these addicts while they are active in their disease and in their early recovery. I'm thinking, too, that if and when they internalize that kind of strength then we family members/loved ones can begin to relax somewhat because they are doing it on their own.

But gosh, isn't it exhausting? Keep coming back. My son is still active, but I get a lot out of these kinds of posts. And I'm glad there are people here who can walk you through this alligator swamp.

keepinon

Oh ready anytime you want a good head whackin..we are here...serously though..glad you stated your boundaries clearly..I kind of agree with cynical though..it may be repeating yourself when you've already said it (he can't come home,etc)that just undermines your authority and dilutes the mssg.If you went and he tried it, you might say something like"I am not here to discuss that" if he won't stop ..leave.. THAT speaks volumes..just a suggestion..

outtolunch

No is a complete sentence.

When we do the "no because...." thing it opens the door to negoitiations.

ready2learn

Hello headwhackers, haha. Again, I've gotten some great input. I haven't written to AS yet to tell him not to bring up leaving during our visit, and I may not, but on that one, I'm going on experience. He tried it one time before about three months ago when he got into it with a staff member while we were visiting. He told the staff member he was wrongly accused of having tobacco in his room (taboo at this rehab), and if he was going to be punished to let him know right then so he could leave with us (???!!!)....all the DRAMA, and we only had a few hours to visit with him. Turned out it wasn't his room the tobacco was found in, so, much ado about nothing. I know AS is a master manipulator....it was a clear illustration of "detach or be dragged." I wouldn't have let him come home then, and I won't now if it comes up. I was just thinking I might stop him dead in his tracks beforehand if I let him know up front that a re-run of the previous episode won't get him anywhere....so why not just enjoy the time together.

Sojourner, you are right. It is exhausting trying to stay one step ahead, and stay on my own path at the same time. They are so resourceful...yes, it would/will be fantastic if the day comes that he can put his sharp mind to better use.