10 steps back
 

I don't even feel like writing this, but I know I need to just get it out and get some feedback.

Today, took my grandaughter (whom I have temporary provisional custody) to one day surgery for dental restorations. My GD could not have anything to eat or drink since 3am and her surgery was not until 12 noon. So, when I picked up her Mom @ 9:30...she came to the car w/heated food. That's when it all began. Told her to go back and put the food in her house, that her daughter was hungry. She did, but then the toxic-relationship behaviors began. We argued all the way to the surgery center about why she doesn't have her daughter and round and round and round we went. I hooked in pretty bad. I said the serenity prayer silently to no avail. And all of this happened in front of her daughter! I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself in that I let all my buttons get pushed.

It ended with my telling her if she wants her daughter back...get off the drugs and claim her rightful place as a mother. I then told her I couldn't do this anymore. I take 10 steps back when this happens and I do not want to see her for a while. She tries to put the guilt trip on me such as..."you won't let me see my own daughter...get a life, Mom, she's not yours". Boy, would I like a life of no responsibility but me! Then we played the blame-shame game with each other.

I know when I talk to her that I am not talking to the daughter I raised, I'm talking to a drug addict. It still leaves me drained.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I wish I could say that it makes me feel better, but it just feels like grieving again.
Thanks for listening

Hope your grand-daughter recovers quickly from her oral surgery! And that you are able to avoid contact with your daughter for a while - it's just not good for little kids to see that kind of behavior. It's traumatizing.

I am sorry. Some distance does sound like a very good thing, right now.

hello-kitty: you are so right...it is traumatizing to children and I feel disgusted that I was a part of it. That's why I've decided to distance myself from my AD. I am powerless when it comes to dealing w/addictive behavior b/c my codependent issues come raging out. I thought I had a grip on it, but I was tired. Looking back, I should have just gone on my own and let her find her own ride their.

BTW...my grandaughter is fully recovered from the oral surgery. Now to help her heal from the dysfunction.
Thanks for the feedback

hope - i'm sorry you got pulled in - it is such an easy thing to happen - i pray you will focus on yourself and your granddaughter - i admire you for taking on the responsibility of giving her a good home - she deserves that - blessings

I also think stepping back is a good thing...let her deal with the consequences of her addiction..she doesn't have custody of her daughter and she has trashed her relationship with you..it is good for her to feel that..and it gives you and your granddaughter peaceful time w/ no drug drama..

Live: Thank you for the support. I agree that distance is the best thing. I even understand how my AD feels about losing her daughter. I have lost my daughter too...to the horrors of addiction. I feel I have been brought to my knees with my codependency issues today. But, what better place to surrender all.

You're welcome. You were trying to do a good thing and I reckon the whole unpleasantness came at you unexpectedly. I know I can't deal with that suddenly veering off stuff coming out of nowhere. My mind goes on blank and my mouth on auto pilot. And I know you are broken hearted over your daughter. You are a great person to take in your grandaughter and she knows what your normal is. I hope you both get some great rest tonight. Tomorrow is a brand new day.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

It is sooooo hard not to engage sometimes, but so much better when we don't :hug:

I'm glad your granddaughter is feeling better after surgery. I hope you are feeling a bit better now, too. Try not to be too hard on yourself!! One day at a time.....

Hugs, HG

Hope2be, I don't know how old your granddaughter is, but children respond in a positive way to consistency and stability; I think instinctively she must know that you are the provider for those things in her life. If she's old enough, maybe you could talk to her and apologize for whatever behavior you feel was inappropriate on your part, maybe explain that it's difficult for you because you still love her mother, but your job is to do what's best for her (granddaughter), always. Just reassure her. Bless you for taking on that responsibility; I know it can't be easy.

It's terrific that you are taking ownership of this.

Thanks to all for sound directives and great friendships.
Today was much, much better. Rested, my grandaughter and I spent a good part of the day planting flowers.
My AD did call and apologize and I also apologized. However, I am sticking to my guns about being around her. She stated she talked to someone with a year sobriety last night and that person is suppose to "help her get her life back together". I've heard all of this before and until some action takes place I know it is only words.
Ready: my grandaughter is 4 y/o, but I did apologize to her and talk a little about why I'm so mad at times and sad at times. I tried to explain that it's ok to be mad or sad, but we shouldn't hurt people with it. Hope she understood.
I also contacted a good friend (stay at home mom) and asked her to scout around for my babysitting needs.
All in all...I learned some valuable lessons yesterday, albeit hard ones.
Huggs to all

hope2be, it sounds like you've done the right things. I'm glad to hear your GD is recovering fine. You'll both be enjoying those flowers together soon :)