confused and i don't know how to deal anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 11
confused and i don't know how to deal anymore
my husband admited he was using heroin this past week and he has been in rehab since friday night...i saw him monday and he already managed to sneak out and buy candy and dip(2 of the things you aren't allowed to have there) i am at a loss... he asked for the help. he chose to go in there but at the same time breaking the rules just because he wanted his sugar fix and his nicotine fix made me feel like he didnt really want to get better. what do i do? i dont know how to feel anymore. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Hello verobearo
I am sorry for what brings you here living with addiction is very difficult. From your post it says you are just beginning to deal with this. I am wondering is he is in rehab or a detox? If it is a rehab how long is he staying? My husbands DOC is herion also and it is a nasty addiction to break from. My husband had been clean for 7 years and relapsed. I have been on over a year long journey of ups and downs in our relationship. I only found out in September and he still has not gotten the treatment he needs in my opinion. I would like to ask if you are doing anything for yourself? Have you looked into any meetings? There are some great books out there also and reading the stickies are full of information.
The one thing I have learned is to back out of my husbands recovery it is his and his alone. I am taking care of me and the kids and making sure I do things for myself everyday. I started the journey trying to help him, making calls for him, researching places and treatments. They are grown men and have to take care of themselves or learn how to take care of themselves. Feel free to ask me anything and PM if you like.
My thoughts and prayers will be going out to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I too am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.
Back when I first came to this forum I was confused when reading posts that encoraged me to seek my own recovery. Did these people/posters not understand that I was the " normie", not the addict? Did they not understand that I was hell bent on curing my daughter of her addiction to heroin and that I would stop at nothing to ahieve this goal?
Looking back, many knew too well that I was absolutely convinced I could beat my daughter's addiction by controlling her, her recovery and her choices. Some of them also knew I had made my daughter's choices all about me. By this I mean, they knew I had linked my own self worth to decisions being made by my daughter. How warped is that?
It took time for me to see the situation from a more objective point. Coming to terms with being absolutely powerless over my daughter and her choices was a drop to the knees experience for me. It was only then, that I began my own recovery from codependency.
If inclined, read some of the " stickies" at the top of this forum and other posts. This was the begining of my own education and understanding my own role in all of this.
As an aside, it's rather common for those in rehab to not fully appreciate that rehabs/treatment do not cure addiction. At best, they teach a highly motivated guest the tools they can use to assist their own recovery. The guest has to be open and willing to learn and make use of those tools. No one just snaps out of addiction.
It's also common for those in rehab to not play by the rules, get kicked-out and back in the game, while proclainming rehab is a waste of time, it does not work for them and they can control it. It's kind of like sitting down with a spoon and a pint of Haagen Daz and telling yourself that the diet did not work.
Back when I first came to this forum I was confused when reading posts that encoraged me to seek my own recovery. Did these people/posters not understand that I was the " normie", not the addict? Did they not understand that I was hell bent on curing my daughter of her addiction to heroin and that I would stop at nothing to ahieve this goal?
Looking back, many knew too well that I was absolutely convinced I could beat my daughter's addiction by controlling her, her recovery and her choices. Some of them also knew I had made my daughter's choices all about me. By this I mean, they knew I had linked my own self worth to decisions being made by my daughter. How warped is that?
It took time for me to see the situation from a more objective point. Coming to terms with being absolutely powerless over my daughter and her choices was a drop to the knees experience for me. It was only then, that I began my own recovery from codependency.
If inclined, read some of the " stickies" at the top of this forum and other posts. This was the begining of my own education and understanding my own role in all of this.
As an aside, it's rather common for those in rehab to not fully appreciate that rehabs/treatment do not cure addiction. At best, they teach a highly motivated guest the tools they can use to assist their own recovery. The guest has to be open and willing to learn and make use of those tools. No one just snaps out of addiction.
It's also common for those in rehab to not play by the rules, get kicked-out and back in the game, while proclainming rehab is a waste of time, it does not work for them and they can control it. It's kind of like sitting down with a spoon and a pint of Haagen Daz and telling yourself that the diet did not work.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 23
Vero, I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't get discouraged about the candy and nicotine. The fact that he is willingly there is a super huge big step, so let the small things slide. I'm sorry for the shock factor about the news. I'm new here also, just joined yesterday and living with my boyfriend who's DOC is cocaine. Been rough. I posted a small summary in the "newcomers" section if anyones interested.
lc, You're really inspiring for me, my therapist tells me to do the same thing that you do, doing things for yourself ect. I am just starting to now, or trying. You must be a really strong person; taking care of kids on top of it.
outto, I know how you feel about the desperate feeling of wanting to help someone so bad only to be left feeling helpless yourself. I have also been told to go to meetings ect, I don't know where to start so I started here
lc, You're really inspiring for me, my therapist tells me to do the same thing that you do, doing things for yourself ect. I am just starting to now, or trying. You must be a really strong person; taking care of kids on top of it.
outto, I know how you feel about the desperate feeling of wanting to help someone so bad only to be left feeling helpless yourself. I have also been told to go to meetings ect, I don't know where to start so I started here
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi welcome. Unfortunately, you can't control what he does with his chance at recovery. He could totally blow it and it would have nothing to do with you or how much he loves you or doesn't love you. He's an addict doing what addicts do and unfortunately, if he's not ready to do whatever it takes to recover from his addiction (including follow all the rules, no matter how trite they seem) then there's a good chance he's just not ready. But you just can't know for sure. It's truly up to him.
I know how hard it is to step back and let someone I love make bad choices without my interference. However, detachment from someone's attempt at recovery, is important for our own sanity and survival.
Accepting that you can't do anything about it is the toughest part. Watch and wait is good advice if you aren't to the point where you want to make changes in your life.
Alanon may help you. Addiction makes the entire family sick - even the non-addict. And we all need recovery.
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
I know how hard it is to step back and let someone I love make bad choices without my interference. However, detachment from someone's attempt at recovery, is important for our own sanity and survival.
Accepting that you can't do anything about it is the toughest part. Watch and wait is good advice if you aren't to the point where you want to make changes in your life.
Alanon may help you. Addiction makes the entire family sick - even the non-addict. And we all need recovery.
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Vero!
Welcome to SR!!!
One of the first things that we learn here and in face-to-face meetings is what we call the 3 C's:
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the loved one of the addiction.
These three things are both frustrating and freeing at the same time. Frustrating because there is absolutely nothing we can do or say that will change the addicts behavior, and freeing because it is not our responsibility.
Keep coming back! You are among people who understand......
Hugs, HG
Welcome to SR!!!
One of the first things that we learn here and in face-to-face meetings is what we call the 3 C's:
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the loved one of the addiction.
These three things are both frustrating and freeing at the same time. Frustrating because there is absolutely nothing we can do or say that will change the addicts behavior, and freeing because it is not our responsibility.
Keep coming back! You are among people who understand......
Hugs, HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 11
He was using oxy and suboxone before on and off for the last 2 or 3 years. this past june was the breaking point bc he went through like 10k in a matter of days, he left us with nothing and he refused rehab but said he would get clean on his own...I didnt like that but there was nothing i could do to make him go in. this time around it was heroin and he asked for the help( the difference between now and then is that this time he asked for the help, he admitted himself into rehab and i didnt have to beg him to do it.
Hello verobearo
I am sorry for what brings you here living with addiction is very difficult. From your post it says you are just beginning to deal with this. I am wondering is he is in rehab or a detox? If it is a rehab how long is he staying? My husbands DOC is herion also and it is a nasty addiction to break from. My husband had been clean for 7 years and relapsed. I have been on over a year long journey of ups and downs in our relationship. I only found out in September and he still has not gotten the treatment he needs in my opinion. I would like to ask if you are doing anything for yourself? Have you looked into any meetings? There are some great books out there also and reading the stickies are full of information.
The one thing I have learned is to back out of my husbands recovery it is his and his alone. I am taking care of me and the kids and making sure I do things for myself everyday. I started the journey trying to help him, making calls for him, researching places and treatments. They are grown men and have to take care of themselves or learn how to take care of themselves. Feel free to ask me anything and PM if you like.
My thoughts and prayers will be going out to you
Originally Posted by lc1972 
Hello verobearo
I am sorry for what brings you here living with addiction is very difficult. From your post it says you are just beginning to deal with this. I am wondering is he is in rehab or a detox? If it is a rehab how long is he staying? My husbands DOC is herion also and it is a nasty addiction to break from. My husband had been clean for 7 years and relapsed. I have been on over a year long journey of ups and downs in our relationship. I only found out in September and he still has not gotten the treatment he needs in my opinion. I would like to ask if you are doing anything for yourself? Have you looked into any meetings? There are some great books out there also and reading the stickies are full of information.
The one thing I have learned is to back out of my husbands recovery it is his and his alone. I am taking care of me and the kids and making sure I do things for myself everyday. I started the journey trying to help him, making calls for him, researching places and treatments. They are grown men and have to take care of themselves or learn how to take care of themselves. Feel free to ask me anything and PM if you like.
My thoughts and prayers will be going out to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 11
I also understand and have come to grips that theres nothing i can do to help him. I wrote my effects letter last night. and i dont know if it gets the point accross or not.I'm already past the pain of what he had done before. If i wasn't I wouldnt be here today asking for help again, so i feel as if my letter doesnt say much well because i've already said all the things i needed to say before and they went unheard so i just gave up on complaining about them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Well, if he chose to go in...that's a good thing.
have you considered nar-anon to help you deal with how it has and will effect you?
Even if he comes home clean and never touches it again..there are lingering effects between the two of you of having lived with addiction. If you both get help, you will both be happier.
have you considered nar-anon to help you deal with how it has and will effect you?
Even if he comes home clean and never touches it again..there are lingering effects between the two of you of having lived with addiction. If you both get help, you will both be happier.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 11
Ive gone to a few naranon meetings but they only have a few close to where i live. the recovery center holds meetings on mondays and wednesdays and a communication workshop on saturdays so i will be attending all of those.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Live---is right. My ah finally admitted everything & after 6 yrs of opiate addiction chose to get help. He has been sober 75 days now.
You will be dealing with the fall out for quite a while. Even if he stays clean.
I am still very hurt over the last 6 yrs & the craziness, lies, etc that were in our lives. I am living with the realization that it will take him a while to get completely well and that there will be a new "norm" to our lives. I also have to realize that there will be land mines from the past, that will be hurling at me at the least expected times.
This is hard and you will need to take care of yourself too. I personally have decided that as long as he is sober and is working torwards repairing our lives, I am there too. But this takes two.
Good Luck
You will be dealing with the fall out for quite a while. Even if he stays clean.
I am still very hurt over the last 6 yrs & the craziness, lies, etc that were in our lives. I am living with the realization that it will take him a while to get completely well and that there will be a new "norm" to our lives. I also have to realize that there will be land mines from the past, that will be hurling at me at the least expected times.
This is hard and you will need to take care of yourself too. I personally have decided that as long as he is sober and is working torwards repairing our lives, I am there too. But this takes two.
Good Luck
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
