Bumpa

I am the grandfather of drug involved 14year old boy(15 next month). I live 2000 miles away from him. It is taking a toll on me worrying about him and my daughter's family. I don't sleep, I'm depressed, I worry about him constantly. My daughter seems to be avoiding talking with me. She texts to me that she will call then doesn't. I want to know what is going on, and how I can help. My grandson and his sister are coming for a visit next month. I need to know what to expect. The kids will be coming alone. Any ideas?

Chino

Your daughter may be knee deep in the muck and that's why she isn't calling. I hope you're able to speak with her before the visit so you'll have an idea of what's going on and what to expect.

If she doesn't speak with you, please have firm boundaries in place and consequences. Please read the stickies at the top of the forum. Please consider attending an Alanon or Naranon meeting, find face to face support for yourself.

aasharon90

Thank you for sharing ur concerns Bumpa
about ur grandson. And oh how young he
is. Just 14 yrs. old.

It saddens me to hear how drugs and
alcohol captures the youngest of young
so many times or so often.

And the impact it has on families,
friends, loved ones.

There is alot of knoweldge and wisdom
right here in SR that will be along soon
to share it with you. To give you the
courage to face the uncertainty of
what lies ahead of you.

We here in SR may not be able to help
the entire world, but our little website
is filled with caring, knowledgeable
folks living and learning from each
other how to combat alcohol and drug
addictions out there in the world.

Learning to live a day at a time on
lifes terms with out the crutch of
demons destroying so many in it's
path.

I myself am grateful to have raised
2 awesome kids who are in their 20's
today living their life of dreams without
drugs or alcohol.

I got into recovery when they just 4 and
6. Because of the love and care of family
they stepped in to get me help from a 28
day rehab and aftercare program setting me
on the path of recovery in order to raise my
family to the best of my ability without alcohol.

I took the tools and knowledge from those
who have the experience and wisdom from
alcohol and incorperated it into my own life
and today pass it on to other still suffering.

That is what recovery is all about. Helping,
caring, loving each other till they r strong
enough to stand on their own.

We in SR will help you with all the love, care
and support as we can.

keepinon

I would also strongly suggest alanon or naranon

Dignity

Hi Bumpa, I'm sure you will find some great Alanon meetings right around you. I live near the Buffalo area and have found plenty in my small town. It breaks my heart when I hear that such young people are getting involved with drugs but they seem to be all around nowadays. I'm sure your daughter will inform you with what is up before the kids come to visit. My hearts with you~~

Bumpa

Thanks for the encouragement. I'll try not to enable my grandson while he is with me. I'll set well defined limits for his behavior, and I'll make sure he stays within them. I'll look for Naranon meeting in the Rochester area. I'll also continue to read the various post available here. This site was a lucky find for me. Thanks to all!

wicked

Oh, yes, Cynical One reminded me of the long car ride.
It is easier to talk or open up when you are not looking directly at them.
(okay, it is easier for me too.)
thank you for looking out for your grandson.
what a wonderful gift you can be to each other.

What CO? No ice fishing in Rochester?

I see people out there in there little huts, they seem to enjoy it.


Beth

Bumpa

Thanks for the responses. Cynical, the ideas you present are appealing. His Dad is there every day. That is a part of the problem. They are at one another often. My son-in-law is trying, but his parenting model, by his admission, was not a good one. He is trying not to be like his own Dad, but not succeeding as well as he would like. I keep pushing family counseling, but they have yet to go. Thanks for being here. You people are more important than you can imagine!

wicked

you are a good bumpa.

maybe dad could try alanon or naranon.
i did not have good models for parenting either, and when i was drinking it was like i wasnt there. but everyone who is motivated can learn.
i did. and i learn more everyday.

Beth

anaserene

Teens who flagrantly violate rules or laws usually have Conduct Disorder. The first line of attack is family therapy and multi-systemic therapy. I'm curious what the school and legal systems are doing for your grandson.

Bumpa

The school and legal system in Arizona are nearly non-existent regarding these issues. My grandson is going to professional counseling now, and has joined Yong Life, a Christian youth group with adult leadership and counseling, and I'm encouraging everyone to seek family counseling. I was a special education teacher for 32 years, and I believe that my grandson has the characteristics of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This I saw before he became drug involved.

I went to alanon this past week because we don't have naranon near where I live. It was a good experience, and I intend to keep going. I'll drive the 60 miles to Buffalo this week to attend the nearest naranon meeting so that I can see what that is like. I hope to find the best program for me.

keepinon

it just warms my heart that you are going to alanon..my daughter has been to 2 rehabs and is now clean..it is SO important that the family has a program as well as the addict...listening to others and doing what the Dr.s, therapists, counselors suggest (going to naranon or alanon) seems so simple but SOO many people resist.You are really showing your love and willingness to not just talk the talk , but walk the walk!YEA!
BTW..my daughter was diagnosed with ODD which cleared up the instant she stopped using..really common in kids with drug issues..conduct disorder is a whole other ball game, being the precusor to a sociopath diagnosis and goes back to when the child was very young..which you probably know from being a Special ed teacher for so long

keepinon

This is not true.Conduct disorder is a very serious diagnosis.The symptoms have to have started in early childhood.Upon turning 18 the diagnosis moves from conduct disorder to sociopathy.
Oppositional Defiance Disorder is for kids who more suddenly become rebellious for a variety of reasons..they usually outgrow it wheras conduct disorder is a life long issue.
I know from going thru three psych evals with my daughter and having each explain the difference.

EJG123

Bumpa- Sounds like you are off to a good start in preparing yourself to deal with a troubled young man. We have friends who did this and while their grandson has yet to straighten out, their willingness to take on their grandson gave their daughter the time she needed to pull her own life back together. My own mother-in-law was a God send when we did not know what to do with our AD and the situation was too heated for her to be home. Unfortunately, AD has not straightened out either but she has cobbled out a life of her own for now.