chloe78

I've been a member of SR for so long, reading and once in a while posting. This site has helped me through so much. My story in a nutshell... I have an AH who has been living with his mom for almost a year now. During the last month I have finally tried letting go and taking care of me. He has definitely taken notice that it's not all about him anymore and it shows that he doesn't like it. It's been a SLOW process and I am not doing GREAT... but I am doing BETTER.

Tonight he called me and was a complete mess. Admitting to messing up his life, missing me and his children, telling me he loves me, wants to fix his life, etc. AND asking for my help. All I have done for 5 years of my life is try to help this man, before realizing that I can't. Tonight he asked me for help again. I said I would help him by driving him to rehab right now. He agreed to go tomorrow. I was STUNNED! This is HUGE. However, in the past when he hit those low moments, he has made empty promises and never followed through. But, of course, this time I am hopeful because rehab had never come up before.

I have been on the computer and phone all night researching rehabs, calling our insurance company, making lists of items he needs to bring, etc. And I am so upset at myself for doing this for him, yet I can't stop. I am in such a confused state. I am afraid that tomorrow will once again be a disappointment. He is waiting until he speaks to his boss about getting a leave of absence. He said if his job doesn't allow it then he will still go to rehab. Again, this is a huge step for him... IF he actually follows through with it.

I am just so afraid to be let down once again, after I have been doing a "little" better myself. WHY can't i just let him do it on his own and not get involved? WHY do I feel he needs me to help him? WHY do I continue to let him make me feel hopeful but then let me down? WHY do I torture myself?

This is so hard. Thanks for letting me vent. And please keep us in your prayers that he means what he says this time.

Ann

I know very well the feeling of holding our breath to see if their actions follow their words.

I too often searched out rehabs for my son, but in the end he was the one who had to make the call. Most times he didn't, sometimes he did...thing is, I never knew if he would or not.

I think it's okay to help some, as long as you don't let go of your own recovery in doing so.

Instead of hoping that he will do the right thing, maybe focus on doing your right thing. Finding a good meeting often helped me at times like this.

Let us know how this works out, okay? We're walking with you no matter how this unfolds.

Hugs

Kindeyes

chloe
Many of us understand what you are feeling right now. Breathe.

What will be will be....whether you do all of the things you are doing or not. Take care of you.

We are here for you. Come here and post and read when you are feeling those anxious feelings.

gentle hugs

outtolunch

Been there . Done that. I eventually asked myself why I felt the need to be needed and in control of what I clearly had no control.

tam

chloe78, I hope it goes well. wishing the best for the both of you.

Babyblue

Don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe 'doing stuff' is an outlet for your anxiety and frustration but it can lead to nowhere if he doesn't ultimately make the calls himself.

If you really feel a need to do anything, then once he makes the call and is about to go, then you can show him your support. Until then, all you can do is pray that he finds his way because only he can.

Just try not to beat yourself up. You responded as many would and have... it is like outtolunch pointed out, a situation you have no control over so doing things makes it 'feel' like you have control but only he does.

Be kind to yourself! He is lucky to have you

chloe78

Thanks to you all for your advice and kind words. I wound up only giving him one phone number and he did all the leg-work on his own. It felt good. Really good that he did that for himself. I was shocked!

He is off to rehab as I type. He has only been approved for 6 days from our insurance company, but his at his assessment, they assured me that a lot of insurance companies do this, and while he is at the facility they will have him approved for the 28 days. I really, REALLY hope so. Although we have been separated for almost a year, it felt so natural to hug and kiss him goodbye and to wipe his tears. I am so hopeful right now. Please keep us in your prayers. I know we have a looonnnnggg road ahead of us. But this is one baby step in the right direction. God is good and I know he will be watching over us.
xoxo to all!!!

hello-kitty

That's great he's off to rehab. And I'm so happy for you that you feel so encouraged.

Not to be debby downer here but - recovery is not just a 6 day or 28 day stint in rehab and then you are cured. That is barely enough time to get the drugs out of your system. The hard work starts when you get out of rehab. Real recovery is not magical and it's easy. Recovery take a lifelong commitment.

Most (if not all) addicts relapse... over and over and over... I don't know any who have gotten and stayed clean on first trip to rehab.

When the addict heads off to rehab, it's the perfect opportunity for his family to check themselves and make sure they have firm boundaries in place and are committed to doing whatever it takes NOT to be sucked back into the problem. His recovery is his to own. And so is yours.

No matter what happens or what choices the addict makes, we need to continue to make wise healthy decisions to protect ourselves and our children. What are you doing to day to ensure that no matter what happens, your recovery and your values stay firmly intact?

JustMe100

I was told by my daughter's rehab facility that if they qualify to be in there that they also qualify for State Disability (the other side of Unemployment benefits). Maybe someone could let him know that, if his boss wasn't too keen on him leaving. But, I am in Calif and the rules may be different in other states.

Kudos to him for making the call and getting into rehab on his own! I think that's a HUGE step!

When my daughter went in, as I was walking away, the last thing the counselor told me was "Go home and live your life". I thought "ya, right!-Like that's going to happen".
But, it might be good advise...

Ann

If he truly wants more rehab, the Salvation Army program is very good and free. And it is often 90 days or more which gives them a better shot a learning a better way to live.

Keeping him (and you) in my prayers.

Hugs

devastated

I am happy that you gave him a number and helped him with the insurance information. I am even happier that he did the rest on his own. That's the only way to go!

Hugs, Devastated

devastated

Oh, incidentally, Ann is right that Salvation Army Program is fabulous! My son was denied entry because he had violence on his record, but he sure tried to get in.

Hugs, Devastated

chloe78

Thank you to everyone for all the advice. This is a HUGE step for him and i am so happy that he did it. I am a little lost here on my end though. I am going back and forth with my thoughts and emotions; happy he's getting help, sad for myself, scared for the future... and wondering how to be when he is finished with the program, and wondering how I am going to stick to my boundaries and taking care of me - which I lost sight of recently (thanks for the reminder hello-kitty!)

He called today and mentioned that he may be finished in 6 days (because initially that's what insurance approved) and when I told him he should stay, he told me he wanted to come home and didn't have to do anything he didn't want to do. Another downer for me. But there's nothing I can do about his choices. I need to keep reminding myself to take care of ME. Why is that so hard to do??

I am curious as to what are some boundaries some of you set for your addicted loved ones. I am having a hard time with this.

xoxo thanks again to all!

msmelrem

This thread is giving me a lot of hope for my AH. I will be praying for you chloe78 and for you AH that he will definitely get the treatment he needs. I will be praying for you to stay strong. Another success story in our midst people!! Thank you God!

lizadeld

I hope the best for you but, and not to be a debbie downer either, prepare yourself. When my AH went to rehab he sounded and looked better than ever. There was so much hope and love and expectations. He didn't last long. Once he got out, it wasn't long before he started using again and went further downhill than before.

Not that rehab won't work for your AH and I hope and pray that it does but a word of advice, after rehab, he needs to figure out life and figure out life drug free for himself. Make sure he still SHOWS you that he can do it and continue doing it after rehab and stay sober. Many people can be sober in rehab, it is when they get out that is the problem.

Best of luck. I hope your AH shows you what I only wished my AH would have.

devastated

Definitely do not expect him to be "cured" of his addiction in 6 days or even 6 months. You will know he is serious when he says he needs to get to meetings every single day. He cannot go back to the same "friends" same routine.

My son was doing great in jail for his 90 days and swore he was done with that life. Mine you, my son is 48 years old and still at it! He was waiting for an opening at the rehab after jail. It was suppose to be like one or two days; however, that turned into 3 weeks. That wasn't his doing, they were waiting for the first of the year funding. Finally, he went!

Boundaries are for you to set. I set them too, but my son crossed them. He knows he can never come back to live here again because he didn't go along with the program.

All I can say is take care of you and your children, and let him make his own decisions. Yes, he is right, he definitely doesn't have to do what he doesn't want to do! Sticking to that is something else.

Hugs, Devastated

chloe78

I just love this site and you all have been so helpful to me this week. Yes, I have so much hope and I guess I have false expectations... is that normal? I mean, I KNOW rehab won’t be the end of his addiction, but yet I can’t help but feel it’s a beginning to his recovery, so I can’t help but feel so much hope. But I do need those reminders to take off my rose-colored glasses. Thanks to everyone for keeping this in perspective for me and reminding me to take care of me. I was doing so well for myself before he decided to go off to rehab. Not great, but the best I had ever been with my taking care of ME and detaching. And after over a year of no interest in my favorite things, I even just started doing some of them again, like reading! And I am reading Co-Dependent No More, thanks to everyone here. I need to remind myslef to stay on that track and take care of me and the kids. It’s just SO HARD. I was considering letting him move back into the home with the kids and myself and support him (again) through his recovery (if that’s what he chooses). I just felt that if he is trying then I should too. But then on the other hand, I have so much anger and resentment towards him. I don’t know, I am just all over the place with my thoughts and emotions. Has anyone else felt this way too? I am just so exhausted.

I am so fortunate to have found this site, and again, I want to thank you all. Tomorrow is Family Day and so far he has left only my name on the list to go. Wish me luck.
<3 xoxo to all!!

laurie6781

IMO not a good idea at all. His 'ideal' place would be a Sober Living facility, where there will be others just like him in various stages of recovery. Where there are rules, and priveleges are earned. Where he can learn how to live as a sober human being. Where he will get support from his peers. Where he will have chores to do.

I don't care if he stays 6 days or 28 or even 90 days, when he gets out of rehab he will be 'bouncing off the walls' and to be honest I don't believe you want to put your children or yourself through that.

And if he is truly in recovery, you will not see much of him as his days and evenings will be taken up with working, and going to meetings, and the meetings after the meetings and his sponsor. Early recovery is a 24/7 project where the individual really is totally focused on themselves, and as many on here that have recovering A's will tell you those early months they sure didn't see much of their A's at all, and when they did they were not making much sense yet or helping around the house at all.

One of your boundaries can be that he cannot return to your home until his ACTIONS show he is in recovery and that can take 6 months to a year minimum. That also allows you the time you really need to work on you and figure out what other boundaries you have to have in this relationship.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Chino

Chloe, unless you're working the program you wish he would, unresolved issues will be compounded by what Laurie pointed out. Everything would remain the same for quite a while, except he'd hopefully be sober.

My qualifier is my daughter, but if I had not been deep in my own recovery, resolving my own issues, I would have expected her to be a full participant in the family unit. She was not capable of that at first and I was prepared to let it go. Are you?

newnormal4me

Chloe, you have managed to live without him in your home for an entire year. That is incredible progress. Why can't you give him another year after he leaves rehab to show you want he really wants to do? He has a lot of things to work on...as do you. It seems space has helped you start feeling yourself again. Could you continue that with him at home? Just some thoughts.

It seems easy to say these things, but I am in a similar position. Me and my AH are currently separated. He is not in rehab though, and doesn't think he needs it. However, claims to have stopped, and is at a very low place right now. My first inclination is to stop my actions and try and be there for him again, in a sense to start that rescueing crud. In the back of my head is this tiny voice telling me "you can't rescue him, he has to rescue himself". I know in my heart that he has to have the space to find himself and make necessary changes to get on a better path - without me. It kills me to think this way, but we haven't worked together in a long time. I think it is fantasy thinking for me to think we can at any point in our near future. This is a terrible place to be in in life, but I do believe there is a lot to learn here and a lot to grow from (at least I am trying to convince myself of this). But I also don't believe I would be saying these things if we were living together right now. I have needed space to be able to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

It's a process for us. Hang in there...keep seeking help...keep reading, etc. I am reading co-dependent no more too and it has been soooo eye opening for me. I wish us both the best. Take care.