New here and feel hopeless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Over the river and thru the woods
Posts: 69
New here and feel hopeless
I have been reading this forum for a week now and not even sure where to begin. Maybe this is just my introduction to everyone as I realize this forum has been great for everyone else. My AS was a great kid, two years ago he fell into the addict trap. Got it together without rehab and did some great things for a few months. Now it seems his life is a mess, heavily addicted to marijuana and likes to mix his drugs. He has shown some suidical ideations as well, went to rehab, checked himself out last week and now I am struggling with letting him go. After reading here it appears that this is the only thing I can do. I sometimes feel that cutting him off of everything is so mean and cold but I must learn to do this or he will continue to sabotage the entire family. I could write a book here; but I suppose this is just my introduction. Thanks to everyone for posting the great sticky's. That in itself has already helped me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Jalapenolover))) - welcome to SR, though sorry for why you are here.
I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (codependent) with loved ones who are A's.
I'm glad you've been reading here, and hope you realize you are SO not alone. I did the same, when I first came here (well, I actually lurked for over a year). For me, not wanting to "help out" someone has been harder to deal with than my recovery from the drugs.
I can tell you that had my family not let me face the harsh consequences of my addiction, figure a way to get back out of the REALLY deep hole I'd dug myself into, I seriously doubt I'd have almost 4 years in recovery.
I don't have kids, but I have a 17-year-old niece who I love, as much, as I could a daughter. She's been making some really bad choices, and I've had to step back. It's hard, it hurts, but I know, deep down in my heart, that the best thing I can do is to work on ME and let her walk her own path.
She knows all about my addiction..how low I went. Her dad is an A and has been in jail/prison most of her life. She's not uneducated about addiction, she just doesn't think it will happen to her. I thought the same thing.
He got tools to use for recovery the FIRST time he went to rehab...it's up to him to use them.
Many people get some good f2f support from al-anon and/or nar-anon (al-anon is for loved ones of alcoholics, but I know a lot of loved ones of A's go to them, and they are usually more frequent). You may want to check into that. Also, a good book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Dealing with an A is the exact opposite of how we deal with "normies" (people who aren't addicted or love an addict). We're used to being there when people need us. An A will manipulate that and do whatever it takes to continue with the using.
We also talk about the "3 C's"
you didn't CAUSE it
you can't CHANGE it
and you can't CURE it.
His recovery, or lack of, is his deal. Your recovery is yours. I was grateful that, though I did hurt my family with my using, they went on and lived their lives...they gave me something I wanted to be a part of, again, to come back to, and I had to do the work to get back in.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (codependent) with loved ones who are A's.
I'm glad you've been reading here, and hope you realize you are SO not alone. I did the same, when I first came here (well, I actually lurked for over a year). For me, not wanting to "help out" someone has been harder to deal with than my recovery from the drugs.
I can tell you that had my family not let me face the harsh consequences of my addiction, figure a way to get back out of the REALLY deep hole I'd dug myself into, I seriously doubt I'd have almost 4 years in recovery.
I don't have kids, but I have a 17-year-old niece who I love, as much, as I could a daughter. She's been making some really bad choices, and I've had to step back. It's hard, it hurts, but I know, deep down in my heart, that the best thing I can do is to work on ME and let her walk her own path.
She knows all about my addiction..how low I went. Her dad is an A and has been in jail/prison most of her life. She's not uneducated about addiction, she just doesn't think it will happen to her. I thought the same thing.
He got tools to use for recovery the FIRST time he went to rehab...it's up to him to use them.
Many people get some good f2f support from al-anon and/or nar-anon (al-anon is for loved ones of alcoholics, but I know a lot of loved ones of A's go to them, and they are usually more frequent). You may want to check into that. Also, a good book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Dealing with an A is the exact opposite of how we deal with "normies" (people who aren't addicted or love an addict). We're used to being there when people need us. An A will manipulate that and do whatever it takes to continue with the using.
We also talk about the "3 C's"
you didn't CAUSE it
you can't CHANGE it
and you can't CURE it.
His recovery, or lack of, is his deal. Your recovery is yours. I was grateful that, though I did hurt my family with my using, they went on and lived their lives...they gave me something I wanted to be a part of, again, to come back to, and I had to do the work to get back in.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Over the river and thru the woods
Posts: 69
I don't think he has been 'using' since he left rehab! Has come by our house and we finally had to have the talk. We told him that we can no longer enable him and have to cut him off. He was very mad and left. Is this how all A's behave when given the talk? He didn't even fight it. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Though A's do a lot of similar things, everyone behaves differently. Some can be totally "clean"...not using, but not in "recovery" either...pretty self-centered, irresponsible, wanting others to "fix" their problems.
I don't know how old he is, but during the time we're using, we don't mentally mature. So, if someone were to start using at 16, stop at 18, they're still at the mentality of a 16-year-old. Most do, however, get mad when they are told they will no longer be enabled. Dealing with an A (whether they're clean or using)..is like, IMO, dealing with a teenager..."I want what I want when I want it".
Getting mad is often followed by them coming back, making promises to change, telling you what they think you want to hear. I, personally, go by actions. I don't want to hear it, I want to SEE it.
You said he's made a mess of his life. Figuring out how to straighten that mess out is on him. Whether your the A, or the loved on of an A, nothing changes if nothing changes. It's only when we've had enough, usually, do we make changes.
I'm sorry you're going through this
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I don't know how old he is, but during the time we're using, we don't mentally mature. So, if someone were to start using at 16, stop at 18, they're still at the mentality of a 16-year-old. Most do, however, get mad when they are told they will no longer be enabled. Dealing with an A (whether they're clean or using)..is like, IMO, dealing with a teenager..."I want what I want when I want it".
Getting mad is often followed by them coming back, making promises to change, telling you what they think you want to hear. I, personally, go by actions. I don't want to hear it, I want to SEE it.
You said he's made a mess of his life. Figuring out how to straighten that mess out is on him. Whether your the A, or the loved on of an A, nothing changes if nothing changes. It's only when we've had enough, usually, do we make changes.
I'm sorry you're going through this
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR........I hope you find comfort and support here. I have.
Withdrawing assistance that enables an individual to continuing using drugs is not mean. Sometimes it is the most loving thing that we can do......for them and for ourselves. I certainly wish I had understood more about addiction and alcoholism many years ago. Perhaps I could have changed myself sooner.....but quite honestly, I had to learn my lessons in the time frame I learned them. Heck....I'm still learning.
Read. Share. And take care of yourself. Addiction can make an entire family sick but the primary enabler can be the sickest of them all......at least I can speak for myself here.
Addicts never like it when boundaries are established. They often do anything and everything they can to violate those boundaries. They get angry and hope that our guilt will remove the boundary. They are master manipulators and their greatest "weapon" is our love. They use our love for them against us. So yes.....letting go and letting God take over is a reasonable thing to do. But letting go doesn't mean that we stop loving. It means that we maintain the love and compassion but don't allow the manipulation and we do allow them to feel the consequences of their life choices.
Welcome again to SR.
gentle hugs
Withdrawing assistance that enables an individual to continuing using drugs is not mean. Sometimes it is the most loving thing that we can do......for them and for ourselves. I certainly wish I had understood more about addiction and alcoholism many years ago. Perhaps I could have changed myself sooner.....but quite honestly, I had to learn my lessons in the time frame I learned them. Heck....I'm still learning.
Read. Share. And take care of yourself. Addiction can make an entire family sick but the primary enabler can be the sickest of them all......at least I can speak for myself here.
Addicts never like it when boundaries are established. They often do anything and everything they can to violate those boundaries. They get angry and hope that our guilt will remove the boundary. They are master manipulators and their greatest "weapon" is our love. They use our love for them against us. So yes.....letting go and letting God take over is a reasonable thing to do. But letting go doesn't mean that we stop loving. It means that we maintain the love and compassion but don't allow the manipulation and we do allow them to feel the consequences of their life choices.
Welcome again to SR.
gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Over the river and thru the woods
Posts: 69
Thanks Amy, he is 20 years old. I had no idea of the 'age maturity'. Very interesting information. I will be attending my very first Alanon meeting Wednesday night and looking forward to hearing that I am NOT alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Goo d for you for going to Alanon..as the mom of an addict in recovery I have been in your shoes.My daughter now says Alanon is the best thing that has happened to our family and urges all the SO's and parents she knows to go..it will help you lovingly detach and , learn more about addiction, and best of all.. help YOU focus on yourself..the best gift we can give our kids is our recovery..
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