MaryGoRound

So I started taking my life seriously and my XABF's threats seriously as well. I am finished with school. He's seriously blocked and I can finally say that all emotional ties are cut.

My question is this. I started dating someone who is soooo wonderful. I really like him a lot. He makes me feel good, talking to him makes me laugh etc.
However, he happens to me in Medical School (how I went from a druggie to a med student..is something I ask myself all the time). And I admit after being treated so terribly for so long and I have certainly put this new guy on pedastal. I'm in therapy...I'm having lots of anxiety about finding a job, etc...
Well he's really busy with school and we don't talk as much and I try to mentally calm myself down...

but when he doesn't respond. Or responds in a way that is say, less wordy than how it normally is...lately its like triggering panic attacks. I felt okay when he was on break and had more time and stuff. But now it feels oddly familiar to be with someone who is unavailable (even though its for a much nobler reason) and I'm just like finding myself freaking out and going off the deep end if he doesn't respond right away. I have briefly told him kind of what I went through. So I feel like I can be open and honest with him, but I feel like if he were to know how much anxiety I feel he'd completely run off....

IDK i know the pms is exacerbating it all. B.c I get REALLLLLY REALLLY bad pms. But has anyone else had a similar sort of post panic thing like this?

When does it go away? I feel so stupid, b.c intellectually I know its irrational. But I'm just TERRIFIED I'm going to open my heart again to someone I shouldn't. Like completely terrified. Rechecking the phone. Tears. Anger. And then I'm terrified I'm letting my past control me...and then I'm never going to find someone without issues.

Impurrfect

(((MaryGoRound))) - I used to have those feelings, but then I've only had relationships with A's. I decided to take some time to find me. I still look at guys and feel like I'm scrutinizing them for red flags, but have noticed it's become more of an awareness thing, than an instant "is he going to do the same thing the others did?"

I don't have an answer for you. Having worked with medical students, when I was a nurse, I can say that he's GOING to be really, really busy. The best suggestion I can give is to find things YOU want to do. Have your own life, and when both of you can get together, enjoy it. Easier said than done, I know. I also know about the pms...EVERYTHING is a major issue with me, when I'm pms'ing...either in tears or ready to punch something.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kindeyes

When I first met my current husband, it was just strange. I had never really had a healthy relationship with a man before (including father, brothers, ex-husband, etc.). I felt a lot of anxiety about the relationship for a long time. I would think things like..."Why would such a handsome man be attracted to me?" "What's wrong with him....there must be something....no one can be this grounded." We met and married fairly quickly. We didn't really know each other well.

But that was 26 years ago. He has told me many times over the years that he was attracted to me because of my intelligence and kindness. He IS as grounded as I thought he was 26 years ago. He's a dear man and I am lucky to be married ot him.

But I went through about two years of anxiety about the relationship AFTER we were married. Not because of anything HE did but because of the warped relationships with men that I had experienced before meeting him.

And PMS.......thank goodness I don't have to deal with that anymore!

gentle hugs

anaserene

I really believe that there is a sex/gender cultural role at play in these co-dependent relationships with needy/greedy/selfish substance abusers who most often happen to be male. In Codependency No More the author mentions that many of the traits of codependents have been historically associated with femininity in our society.

I also have not had many healthy relationships with men. I've recently realized that my mother must have been codependent and some of my codependency has been learned from her (although in addition to being codependent she herself was an alcoholic and drug addict). I went through the list of boyfriends I have had and noticed that the ones I "loved" most and stayed with the longest tended to be the most dysfunctional and needy. In fact, I had decided that I would stop trying to change my most recent boyfriend of eight years and would settle to be with him as if he was my child (that's how much I took care of him) at the expense of ever having kids of my own. The couple of bfriends I've had who actually were independent and stable spoke about marrying me, but I ran from them, feeling like I needed to be needed to feel loved.

Not until coming to this site did I ever think that there was something wrong with what I have been doing in relationships. I've now realized that it wasn't my ex-bfriends, or my father, or my brother, or the cat I rescued from the side of a highway, or the bad career decisions I used to make, but it was my incapability of putting my own needs first. I used to think that someday a man would really appreciate that (I couldn't understand why men liked "bitches" so much!) and would want to be with me because he appreciated caregiving and caretaking. I still believe that those things are soooooooo important as they are essential to raise children and to protect the earth and natural resources, but not to the extent that they permeate my personality (my politics, my anxiety about the future of our civilization, etc.).

I also used to think that my rewards would be given in heaven and that a selfless, saintly life is the only way to live with a clear conscience. But I was not happy here and now. I put off having a family because I stayed with my ex until it was nearly too late to have children, loyal because that was the right way to be. I also put off the idea of having a family because of all the time and energy I was giving to my brother. I don't have much longer to have children of my own, so I have decided, with the inspiration found here and the help I am getting in therapy, to stop taking care of others (father's, brother's, etc) and to start taking care of myself. This means having a child, single by choice. I found a "known donor" and I'm going to do what it takes to live my own life from now on.

MissTara

((marygoround)) I am sorry you are having so much stress and fears with this new relationship. I cant say that I have had anxiety like that. I had dated a few guys within the first year of my breakup with my exa/finace, but I ended those relationships within a month or less cause I was quick to figure out who they were. I dont know what I would do, or how I would feel if an actual *good grounded man* came along. I have been single for about 5 years now and have no interest in dating or finding someone. Maybe that is because I dont want to deal with how I will react in a healthy relationship. I am not sure if I am ready or not to try to find out. I am taking care of me and my Son, working my program.

My advice would be this though...dont make this good grounded man pay for your Ex's mistakes. Take it slow, enjoy the time you have together, and work your program. I believe it is going to take time to get used to something healthy again. Maybe you can get a sponser and call when your having a hard time with things...

outtolunch

Working backwards here, I can tell you, with certainty, you will never find someone without issues, just as you will always have some issues of your own. No such thing as perfection or a soulmate.

No telling if he's just to busy with school or perhaps he's just not that into you, right now. Regardless, none of this diminishes or increases your self worth unless you empower it to do so.

Playing the " let it be him" game increases uncertainty and anxiety.Taking responsibility for ourselves and our emotional reactions reduces anxiety.

MaryGoRound

Thanks guys so much valuable input. I love how I can always come here for support..no matter how long it has been.

I don't know how NOT to play the "let it be him game"....Please tell me so i cant start doing it. LOL!

And all these stereotypes about cheating doctors have really got me driving myself crazy with omg, omg, omg what if instead this time I fall in love with a cheater?

Its completely crazy and I am having a hard time slowwwwing myself down. Maybe its b.c he's so sweet and "normal" I'm holy ****! sign me up for more of THIS! And having that taken away, or having it all be a lie just TERRRRRIIIFFIEEEESSSSS MEEE guys!