Need Help With Sister
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: philadelphia, PA
Posts: 1
Need Help With Sister
Ok so my sister is a drug abuser of about 5 years now she is 23 years old and I dont know what to do i dont feel like i'm doing enough. We both lost our parents mom when i was 11 and she was 13 Dad when i was 15 and she was 18. She took custody of me at 18 because i had no1 else to do that, she started dancing and gave up going to college to support us. Thats when she started getting into drugs. I dont know what to do i tried to have her stay here and live with me but she manipulated my mother in law and started using again so i kicked her out. She's been in and out of rehab so many times I dont know what to do. She's done so many wrong things to me lieing, stealing money etc that i get so mad at her but then think it's not her. I want to have her back living with me and keep her on 24 hour watch and i'm thinking maybe that will help but i have a 3 year old daughter and dont want to risk anything. i dont know if she has any dieases she sold her body before for drugs so now im jsut not sure. My fiance does not want anything to do with her because of everything she did to me. She stays with my grandma in VA right now and they say she stays clean out there but i'm not sure what happens. She recives money on the 1st of every month and as soon as she gets the money she takes the train back to PA to where she knows all her drug dealers and gets her drugs. She wants to be clean i know she does she tells me all the time while shes clean but she just cant. She's been clean for months at a time before but I dont know what to do. I feel like i havnt done enough for her I'm all she has no1 else wants nething to do with her. After my parents died i went down a different route of getting engaged and starting a family and i think thats what helped me get through everything but with her its just different. I really dont know what to do i just came here to maybe get some help or advice on what to do. I cry because i dont want her die (she tried to kill her self but was no successful) We dont have money for rehab right now. She quit cold turkey plenty of times but she says she gets bored and just uses again but i think its more than that. She use to take suboxin(sp?) and her ex boyfriend said that was helping but now she is on nothing. Please help me what do i do?!?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((lilwhitxx))) - welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
I'm an RA (recovering addict), and I have loved ones who are/were A's (addicts), and I was very codie (codependent)...thought I could love them into getting clean. Even when I got into my OWN addiction recovery, I still thought I could "fix" them....knowing darned well that no amount of love could have "fixed" me.
Even if you brought her to your house and put her on 24-hour watch, if she wants to use, she will. An A's behavior affects the entire family, including kids...even the littlest ones can feel tension or "something's not right".
A lot of people, here, find good f2f support in al-anon or nar-anon (family/friends of alcoholics or addicts). I know many loved one's of A's go to al-anon and get a tremendous amount of support, there are more meetings than nar-anon, but you may want to check that out. I also recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
You suffered parental loss, so young, and I'm sorry. Your sister is going to do what she's going to do until SHE decides to seek recovery. Most of us A's have to hit a bottom...mine was really low, others "get it" (recovery wake-up call) earlier.
It's hard....staying out of the situation, but it really is best for all of you. I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and all the consequences that were piling up before I could even THINK of quitting the dope, and even then, there was a lot of work. Putting DOWN the dope isn't enough....heck, I did that a million times. It's not picking it back up, that we have to learn.
I hope you continue to read and post here. You aren't alone. There are a LOT of people who have been or are still going through similar situations.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm an RA (recovering addict), and I have loved ones who are/were A's (addicts), and I was very codie (codependent)...thought I could love them into getting clean. Even when I got into my OWN addiction recovery, I still thought I could "fix" them....knowing darned well that no amount of love could have "fixed" me.
Even if you brought her to your house and put her on 24-hour watch, if she wants to use, she will. An A's behavior affects the entire family, including kids...even the littlest ones can feel tension or "something's not right".
A lot of people, here, find good f2f support in al-anon or nar-anon (family/friends of alcoholics or addicts). I know many loved one's of A's go to al-anon and get a tremendous amount of support, there are more meetings than nar-anon, but you may want to check that out. I also recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
You suffered parental loss, so young, and I'm sorry. Your sister is going to do what she's going to do until SHE decides to seek recovery. Most of us A's have to hit a bottom...mine was really low, others "get it" (recovery wake-up call) earlier.
It's hard....staying out of the situation, but it really is best for all of you. I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and all the consequences that were piling up before I could even THINK of quitting the dope, and even then, there was a lot of work. Putting DOWN the dope isn't enough....heck, I did that a million times. It's not picking it back up, that we have to learn.
I hope you continue to read and post here. You aren't alone. There are a LOT of people who have been or are still going through similar situations.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your sister lost your parents at such a tender time--the teenage years. I hope you find some of the answers you are looking for here. There are a lot of people here who love addicts. We understand how you feel. But we can't love them clean and sober.....if that was possible, none of us would be here.
Some of the best information I received was from RA's like Amy. They've been there. They have an insight into addiction that you and I don't have. They know what worked for them. And sometimes it takes getting pretty down and out before something kicks in and turns things around. I am so thankful that the RA's here on SR share their stories with us. They give me hope.
We learn here that we can't control another person. We can't monitor them and keep them from using. We can't make them stop.....only they can. What we CAN do though is keep ourselves sane and do the things that we need to do to keep from having their addiction take over our lives. We can learn to detach. Detaching doesn't mean that we stop loving the addict in our lives. It means we allow them the dignity to live their lives even if we don't agree with their choices. We allow them to feel the full consequences of their actions. We can hope they will find recovery......but hope has no set time schedule. We can find serenity......whether our loved one is using or not.
I hope you stick around. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
Some of the best information I received was from RA's like Amy. They've been there. They have an insight into addiction that you and I don't have. They know what worked for them. And sometimes it takes getting pretty down and out before something kicks in and turns things around. I am so thankful that the RA's here on SR share their stories with us. They give me hope.
We learn here that we can't control another person. We can't monitor them and keep them from using. We can't make them stop.....only they can. What we CAN do though is keep ourselves sane and do the things that we need to do to keep from having their addiction take over our lives. We can learn to detach. Detaching doesn't mean that we stop loving the addict in our lives. It means we allow them the dignity to live their lives even if we don't agree with their choices. We allow them to feel the full consequences of their actions. We can hope they will find recovery......but hope has no set time schedule. We can find serenity......whether our loved one is using or not.
I hope you stick around. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Lilwhitxx: Welcome to SR. You have really found a great place to find the answers to your questions and concerns. Try reading all the stickies at the top as they as full of good advice. Listen to your fiance - he is right on that one. Your little daughter needs to be protected from the chaos of your sister's life. I'm sure when you sit and reflect, you realize that you cannot keep your sister on 24/7 watch and be successful.
Your sister may say she wants to stop, and there are probably moments when she does. But she really is not ready yet for that.
Losing your parents so early is a tough one, but it is possible your sister may have gotten involved in drugs/alcohol anyway. So try not to let that fact guilt you into doing for your sister things that you will learn are not good for her. Her taking care of you when you were a minor is a great thing. But, again, try not to let that fact guilt you into doing for your sister things that you will learn are not good for her.
Keep coming back!
Your sister may say she wants to stop, and there are probably moments when she does. But she really is not ready yet for that.
Losing your parents so early is a tough one, but it is possible your sister may have gotten involved in drugs/alcohol anyway. So try not to let that fact guilt you into doing for your sister things that you will learn are not good for her. Her taking care of you when you were a minor is a great thing. But, again, try not to let that fact guilt you into doing for your sister things that you will learn are not good for her.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I urge you to go to alanoin or naranon..they can help you make sense of addiction and the merry go round we go with the addicts...it has really saved my life..I was a HUGE mess when I got there, but being around sane people ..as opposed to the insanity of addiction helped clear up my thinking pretty quickly..
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