Here's my story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Here's my story
I was with my husband for three years before we got married. While we were dating he had a heart attack at 27. He has a genetic disease that speeds up atherosclerosis. About 6 months after we were married he started acting "off", losing jobs, hiding his cell phone, taking trips to the store or gas station, lying. I found out a year after we were married that he was using oxys. I knew he had a drug problem in his past but, not being around drugs or knowing much about it, I didn't realize how strong a hold drugs have on people. Before we were married, he was sober and fine, supposedly.
He had been using oxys and borrowing a lot of money from his grandmother on SS. His mom found out and called me. So we got him help and counseling. Things continued to be off for a while. There were some phenomenal times but the bad times were bad. In 2008 he had quadruple bypass surgery (open heart). I'm sure the drug usage helped speed everything up. Still no steady jobs and definitely no steady jobs after open heart. That is when things got really bad because of the pain killers they gave him after his surgery.
Birthdays, Christmases....any holiday were always an excuse to use money for "presents" but i never really got anything. One Christmas I had to return all the presents i bought him because i found out he had taken out a payday loan with my check that I couldn't afford. He bought me a necklace for my birthday that, after all the withdrawals from our account, cost $900. It was really only $150. I always wanted to believe that he wanted to do something nice for me...though I knew that wasn't the case. But I wanted to believe it so bad. The lies and denial...it made me feel like that psycho stalker girlfriend trying to keep up with it all or catch him in a lie. The betrayal and just web of lies...it was awful
We moved and he promised to get help. Doctors for "pain management" only gave him drugs he could sell on the street to get what he wanted. I finally left on my 30th birthday after I found out he stole right out of my family's wallets.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done. This man that I loved to the depths of my soul...I just couldn't stay any longer. My love was not enough. I always felt I couldn't leave because he couldn't keep a job, never had any money, has health issues etc etc. How do you leave someone who has this horrible medical condition and no one to go or turn to? Without me he has no health insurance.
After I left, he didn't try to contact me unless he needed money. He finally went back into a rehab but after he got out he got kicked out of 2 halfway houses and was banned from the facility. I found out he was with several women during this time too and got one pregnant. That killed me. Not only because we stopped having a physical relationship but also, I didn't understand how he could move on so quickly when I am struggling and heart broken and cannot even think of being with another.
He got arrested the night before new years for possession of heroin and had syringes and spoons and other paraphernalia in his possession. It makes me sick to my stomach how fast he has plummeted and how he will not take advantage of any of the help that anyone has offered him.
I love him with all my heart...my husband, not the addict. We changed our vows to say instead of "until death do us part" to "in this life and the next". I don't believe in divorce, not even for cheating, unless in the most severe of circumstances. I feel so guilty for leaving him and feel like, even though I know I cannot change anything, only he can, but maybe if I would have stayed he eventually would have gotten better. I know that's not true but it is the what ifs that kills us the most.
I'm trying to move on and past all this hell. I feel as if I will never trust anyone ever again. I can't even trust someone when they say they are going to the gas station for crying out loud.
I'm trying to prepare myself for his demise. My heart has already been ripped out of my chest. Though this post states all the horrible things, there was love...I thought we were soul mates. I still think we are soul mates, just not for this life time. I call it my tragic love story. I do not believe i could ever love another like I love him. And I feel so guilty for abandoning that love. I just couldn't live anymore with it.
He had been using oxys and borrowing a lot of money from his grandmother on SS. His mom found out and called me. So we got him help and counseling. Things continued to be off for a while. There were some phenomenal times but the bad times were bad. In 2008 he had quadruple bypass surgery (open heart). I'm sure the drug usage helped speed everything up. Still no steady jobs and definitely no steady jobs after open heart. That is when things got really bad because of the pain killers they gave him after his surgery.
Birthdays, Christmases....any holiday were always an excuse to use money for "presents" but i never really got anything. One Christmas I had to return all the presents i bought him because i found out he had taken out a payday loan with my check that I couldn't afford. He bought me a necklace for my birthday that, after all the withdrawals from our account, cost $900. It was really only $150. I always wanted to believe that he wanted to do something nice for me...though I knew that wasn't the case. But I wanted to believe it so bad. The lies and denial...it made me feel like that psycho stalker girlfriend trying to keep up with it all or catch him in a lie. The betrayal and just web of lies...it was awful
We moved and he promised to get help. Doctors for "pain management" only gave him drugs he could sell on the street to get what he wanted. I finally left on my 30th birthday after I found out he stole right out of my family's wallets.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done. This man that I loved to the depths of my soul...I just couldn't stay any longer. My love was not enough. I always felt I couldn't leave because he couldn't keep a job, never had any money, has health issues etc etc. How do you leave someone who has this horrible medical condition and no one to go or turn to? Without me he has no health insurance.
After I left, he didn't try to contact me unless he needed money. He finally went back into a rehab but after he got out he got kicked out of 2 halfway houses and was banned from the facility. I found out he was with several women during this time too and got one pregnant. That killed me. Not only because we stopped having a physical relationship but also, I didn't understand how he could move on so quickly when I am struggling and heart broken and cannot even think of being with another.
He got arrested the night before new years for possession of heroin and had syringes and spoons and other paraphernalia in his possession. It makes me sick to my stomach how fast he has plummeted and how he will not take advantage of any of the help that anyone has offered him.
I love him with all my heart...my husband, not the addict. We changed our vows to say instead of "until death do us part" to "in this life and the next". I don't believe in divorce, not even for cheating, unless in the most severe of circumstances. I feel so guilty for leaving him and feel like, even though I know I cannot change anything, only he can, but maybe if I would have stayed he eventually would have gotten better. I know that's not true but it is the what ifs that kills us the most.
I'm trying to move on and past all this hell. I feel as if I will never trust anyone ever again. I can't even trust someone when they say they are going to the gas station for crying out loud.
I'm trying to prepare myself for his demise. My heart has already been ripped out of my chest. Though this post states all the horrible things, there was love...I thought we were soul mates. I still think we are soul mates, just not for this life time. I call it my tragic love story. I do not believe i could ever love another like I love him. And I feel so guilty for abandoning that love. I just couldn't live anymore with it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
First I would like to say you can only do what you can do. Remember the three C's
You did not cause it
You cannot control it and
You cannot cure it
That said I think you are doing outstanding making that move to take care of yourself. He is a grown man and can do the same. It is extremely painful to watch my husbands DOC is herion. I have to say the fear of what they are doing to themselves can make you sick. Not sure what you are doing to take care of yourself so I will let you know what I am doing. I see a counselor every week. I read anything and everything I can find to get a better understanding of myself. I come on this site and most times I read the posts. I come on this site to the open chats and online meeting. In the beginning I did go to meetings and they made me feel better. Please do something nice for yourself you deserve it.
My thoughts and prayer are with you
You did not cause it
You cannot control it and
You cannot cure it
That said I think you are doing outstanding making that move to take care of yourself. He is a grown man and can do the same. It is extremely painful to watch my husbands DOC is herion. I have to say the fear of what they are doing to themselves can make you sick. Not sure what you are doing to take care of yourself so I will let you know what I am doing. I see a counselor every week. I read anything and everything I can find to get a better understanding of myself. I come on this site and most times I read the posts. I come on this site to the open chats and online meeting. In the beginning I did go to meetings and they made me feel better. Please do something nice for yourself you deserve it.
My thoughts and prayer are with you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like you decided to love yourself more than the hopeful fantasy. Sounds healthy to me. If love could make a dent in addiction, absolutely none of us would be here. Be gentle with yourself and if you cn afford it or have insurance, maybe some grief counseling will also help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......I'm glad you found us but as always, I'm very sad for the circumstances that bring you here.
Addiction is heartbreaking. It does such damage to the addict themselves and to everyone who loves them. But as 'outtolunch' said....if love could cure addiction, none of us would be here. We all love the addicts in our lives so very much.
When our loved one is addicted, we do mourn them even though they are still living. We mourn the loss of the person we thought we knew and love.
The thing that strikes me about addiction and our role in it is that we are suffering.....truly suffering while stone cold sober....while the addict is out medicating themselves so that they don't "feel". They are seemingly out having a great time while we live with a pain so great.
But we don't have to live with a pain so great. We can do things for ourselves to help us exist with light in our lives.
I hope you stick around. There are so many people here with experience with addiction. Just knowing that you are not alone sometimes brings a small measure of peace.
gentle hugs
Addiction is heartbreaking. It does such damage to the addict themselves and to everyone who loves them. But as 'outtolunch' said....if love could cure addiction, none of us would be here. We all love the addicts in our lives so very much.
When our loved one is addicted, we do mourn them even though they are still living. We mourn the loss of the person we thought we knew and love.
The thing that strikes me about addiction and our role in it is that we are suffering.....truly suffering while stone cold sober....while the addict is out medicating themselves so that they don't "feel". They are seemingly out having a great time while we live with a pain so great.
But we don't have to live with a pain so great. We can do things for ourselves to help us exist with light in our lives.
I hope you stick around. There are so many people here with experience with addiction. Just knowing that you are not alone sometimes brings a small measure of peace.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Try not to feel guilty. There is just no way to stay sane in a relationship like this. I can say this because I tried...for far too long. There was a lot of love between me and my AH, and for the years things were good I thought we would grow old together. It feels impossible to let this go. Hang in there and stay strong. I agree that taking some steps (i.e. counseling, etc.) at this time might help you. I need to heed that advice! Take care.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
You are a survivor. That is clear from your post - and I say that with the greatest respect. You definitely have done all that you could and I understand your feelings regarding your commitments. Addiction changes all of that though..... in a different way than anything else does. You have stepped away and that might be the only thing that eventually leads to your husband's ability to reach his bottom. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go.
Addiction changes everything. It is evil. It is a robber. It doesn't take prisoners - it takes souls. There really is not anything that you could have done that would have changed anything. The paradox is that the only thing that EVER works is detaching and allowing someone to reach their bottom. In addiction, there are only a few outcomes....death, institution, or recovery. One of the hardest things for me to realize is that the best thing for me to do is absolutely nothing. The addiction wants me upset and struggling....those are the actions that keep it alive. The addiction stays alive as long as I continue to provide the fuel (money, love, enabling) for it to survive.
Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go - that is really the only chance that they have although it is probably the scariest thing that you have ever done.
Please do not try and do this alone. We do understand your angst and pain. I have been here for 6 years and this community is a loving and wonderful place. We have our issues from time to time but it truly is the best. No pretenses, no fakeness....we are all a pretty raw group. You have come to a good place and I really hope that you will stick around and make friends. What I realized is that no matter how much I thought that the problem was in my addicted love one I also have a problem that I need the support of everyone here to make it.
You showed a lot of courage posting - and I really hope that you stick around. We all benefit from the experiences of each other.
Addiction changes everything. It is evil. It is a robber. It doesn't take prisoners - it takes souls. There really is not anything that you could have done that would have changed anything. The paradox is that the only thing that EVER works is detaching and allowing someone to reach their bottom. In addiction, there are only a few outcomes....death, institution, or recovery. One of the hardest things for me to realize is that the best thing for me to do is absolutely nothing. The addiction wants me upset and struggling....those are the actions that keep it alive. The addiction stays alive as long as I continue to provide the fuel (money, love, enabling) for it to survive.
Sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go - that is really the only chance that they have although it is probably the scariest thing that you have ever done.
Please do not try and do this alone. We do understand your angst and pain. I have been here for 6 years and this community is a loving and wonderful place. We have our issues from time to time but it truly is the best. No pretenses, no fakeness....we are all a pretty raw group. You have come to a good place and I really hope that you will stick around and make friends. What I realized is that no matter how much I thought that the problem was in my addicted love one I also have a problem that I need the support of everyone here to make it.
You showed a lot of courage posting - and I really hope that you stick around. We all benefit from the experiences of each other.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
welcome to SR..just wanted to let you know I can relate to what your going through. after 26 years of marriage my AH and I are now going through a divorce. I too didnt believe in divorce, I believed in my marriage vows, however addiction played a different part in our relationship that I never exp.before nor would I wish it on anyone.
I love my husband dearly, but that man is gone, gone to pills. I tried everything to help him and it did no good. being apart and moving on is painful but living with it was painful too. actually horrid just horrid to see a person you love ruin their life, ruin their health, ruin YOU alongwith it.
it took alot of strength and courage for me to let go, it wasnt easy nor is it still easy and I often wonder if it will ever be easy, I dont know. All I can say
is that I cant live with it and it seems to me that you also have come to the point that you are taking care of you and I hope you continue with your recovery and please know we are here for you.
we will survive! sending a huge hug to you
I love my husband dearly, but that man is gone, gone to pills. I tried everything to help him and it did no good. being apart and moving on is painful but living with it was painful too. actually horrid just horrid to see a person you love ruin their life, ruin their health, ruin YOU alongwith it.
it took alot of strength and courage for me to let go, it wasnt easy nor is it still easy and I often wonder if it will ever be easy, I dont know. All I can say
is that I cant live with it and it seems to me that you also have come to the point that you are taking care of you and I hope you continue with your recovery and please know we are here for you.
we will survive! sending a huge hug to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
Thank you
Thank you everyone for your words and advice. I have come to this site quite a few times, both when I was with my AH and now after I left him. I never had the courage to post but find now that knowing there are others out there with my same problems, makes me a little more sane in this insane world. It's funny that those people who surround you pity you because your life is so crazy...I hate pity. I'm glad I'm here where there are others out their who do not pity, but relate and are there for you.
I went and visited my AH in jail since he had another heart attack while he was there. Our visit was "nice" as nice as a visit to jail can be and it made me sad because I got to see my husband...not the man I left. I haven't talked to him in a while and it was that familiar conversation that we used to have. It makes me so sad...he has had such an unfortunate life that helped him to get where he is....It breaks my heart.
He gets out soon and I am not sure what he will do. I fear for his health and for his life but know that I cannot help. I have just been praying for him to have the strength and the will to start a life that is good and drug free but I am not sure that will transpire.
Regardless, I remain strong in my convictions. I hope the very best for him and wish I could help him but I know he must help himself.
I went and visited my AH in jail since he had another heart attack while he was there. Our visit was "nice" as nice as a visit to jail can be and it made me sad because I got to see my husband...not the man I left. I haven't talked to him in a while and it was that familiar conversation that we used to have. It makes me so sad...he has had such an unfortunate life that helped him to get where he is....It breaks my heart.
He gets out soon and I am not sure what he will do. I fear for his health and for his life but know that I cannot help. I have just been praying for him to have the strength and the will to start a life that is good and drug free but I am not sure that will transpire.
Regardless, I remain strong in my convictions. I hope the very best for him and wish I could help him but I know he must help himself.
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