Blogs


Notices

My support system seems to be shrinking…..

Old 02-01-2011, 10:29 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,104
My support system seems to be shrinking…..

I’ve been in al-anon for 5 years, same home group, I’ve visited other meetings but they just don’t have the same feel as the one I am most comfortable with. I had a lot of interaction with older and newer members. In Nov when I announced at a meeting that I left my 10 year relationship because he was using again, my support seemed to shift, fewer phone calls, fewer emails and some older members explained to me it was because maybe I took their own hope away about salvaging relationships leaving is too real for many to face right now.

I get annoyed with my “normie” friends because they seem so callous with comments and I find I get annoyed even talking about my issues or my sadness or my experiences because I get comments like, get over it – you’ll be better off – why did you continue to put up with him you had to see this coming AGAIN!! Those kinds of statements feel like swords cutting through me and I don’t find them helpful as a matter of fact it makes me pull away from these friends or close myself off about the subject all together.

There was a nar-anon meeting I went to but it was filled with parents, there was no one there like me and I again felt alone with this issue.

I know I can post here but face to face really has an impact on me and the few times I went for counseling I seemed to get the same type of response from the counselor, leave and don’t look back!! Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

As strange as this may sound, the more I read and find out about and understand addiction, it helps me NOT take so many things so personally.

Guess this is just a vent and looking for support and not trying to take anyone’s HOPE away.
atalose is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (02-02-2011), Chino (02-01-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011), newby1961 (02-01-2011), splendra (02-02-2011), tam (02-02-2011)
Old 02-01-2011, 11:11 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
JMFburns's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
lose,

Sorry you're feeling alone for face 2 face support. I know how valuable it can be.

Keep in contact with your HP, maybe a shift is just happening right now and if you stick with the home group it will come back around to feeling more supportive. In the meantime, SR is always here for you.
JMFburns is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to JMFburns For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-02-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011), newby1961 (02-01-2011)
Old 02-01-2011, 11:55 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,104
Thanks FMFburns, maybe that’s what I am missing not talking enough to my HP! Thanks for that reminder and new thought.
atalose is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post:
litehorse (02-03-2011), newby1961 (02-01-2011)
Old 02-01-2011, 12:52 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Blog Entries: 3
Originally Posted by atalose View Post
As strange as this may sound, the more I read and find out about and understand addiction, it helps me NOT take so many things so personally.
Makes perfect sense to me! I very rarely takes things personally these days and when I do, I mentally check myself and ask why? Is there truth in there somewhere I've not faced yet?

Hang in there, you're growing! You'll figure out what you need and how to get it, with some help from your HP
Chino is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Chino For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-02-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011), newby1961 (02-01-2011)
Old 02-01-2011, 04:46 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,104
The mind knows not to take it personally the heart still stings! Some day those two will be working off the same page.
atalose is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post:
Babyblue (02-02-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011), newby1961 (02-01-2011)
Old 02-01-2011, 08:51 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
greeteachday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I hope the balance comes soon for you...I too have found that when I start slacking about including my HP in the conversation, I need to refocus and then things start falling back in place.

When it comes to offering support and venting myself, because I realize I always want to fix things, even when not asked, I've tried two things and when I successfully implement, it works pretty well...I try to listen when others are telling me things to see if they are seeking advice, before I offer it...If not, I try to just listen and empathize. And when I vent, especially to someone I am close to who is "normal" , I tend to end it by saying I guess I just needed to get that out...I know you can't fix it, but thank you for being here and listening. It helps to eliminate some of the advice I don't really need at the time from folks who couldn't quite get what I was experiencing.

I wonder if some of the folks in your group who have drawn back some have done so because they don't think you need the support any more since you left your qualifier. I know that isn't the case, but I was amazed at how many people in my Naranon group said fairly soon after losing my daughter, well I guess you won't be coming any more. That support was what I needed then more than ever.
greeteachday is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to greeteachday For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-01-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011), newby1961 (02-01-2011), tam (02-02-2011)
Old 02-01-2011, 10:44 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,104
greet,

Thank you! Very good suggestion with ending conversations with “normies” thank you!

That could be with my group, maybe they don’t feel I need support any more since I ended the relationship YET my gut tells me – my ending scares them.

I am so terrible sorry your naranon group was so thoughtless, yes support was what you needed and that group just didn’t get it.
atalose is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post:
Chino (02-02-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011), newby1961 (02-01-2011)
Old 02-01-2011, 11:38 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Trudging that road.
 
newby1961's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Blog Entries: 1
I have been told that when I don't feel like I belong in a mtg go find one I do or start a new one. That is what is so cool about mtg's we can choose to go where we find support. Congrats on leaving your relationship I know how hard that can be. More than ever you need the loving comfort of your HP and it sounds like you have a lot of support here to. Keep the Faith
newby1961 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to newby1961 For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-02-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011)
Old 02-02-2011, 07:10 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Blog Entries: 3
atalose
I'm so sorry that you're feeling a lack of support from your f2f home meeting. Hopefully it's just a temporary situation while they digest what's going on with you and adjust to the new circumstances. Personally, when I'm having a tough time, there's nothing anyone can say to help me feel better or feel supported. I just need to work through it.

That's kind of what I'm dealing with right now. I get kind of quiet when I'm trying to work through something and it probably leaves people feeling at a loss of how to interact with me.

I hope you know that you can come on here at SR and express yourself. We'll be here for you.

gentle hugs
Kindeyes is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Kindeyes For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-02-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011)
Old 02-02-2011, 08:55 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
tam
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
atalose, I understand what your going through. I stopped going to meetings because I felt there werent any connections with me since my AH and I have split. dont get me wrong, the meetings helped me tremendously in the beginning.but most of the people were either living with their spouses (who were sober) or there were parents,which I feel for them all but it just seemed different for me although I know its not easy for them either.
I didnt seem to click in, there were no people on the call lists who fit my situation. nor did anyone step up and connect with me as well. I understand we all go through the same with addiction to an extent,but having losing a relationship (me was 26 years of marriage) it did some severe emotional and mental damage to me. I had no one to share it with. I oftened wondered if there were anyone out there besides me.
that being said, I went to a few therapists who I thought would help. the first one told me to keep trying to work with my ex and get him into rehab, that didnt work of course and wasnt helping me, the second therapist told me to take up crocheting,ha! I was lost. how will I get through this? doesnt anyone understand? am I going crazy or the only one who is going through this? so I looked for another therapist, low and behold she is exp.with
addiction, used to work in rehab's and supported family members. I hit gold, she is great , she knows exactly what Im going through and is helping me.
I started going to divorce support as well, there too arent any ex spouses of addiction so again just dont seem to fit in.
I would love to find or start a group for people who's significant other is an addict..I think it would really be helpful as I do remember some newbies in our situation at the meetings who never came back, they would walk up to me and thank me for sharing my story but never came back and I often wished they had.
I feel lost too, but leaning on my HP to direct me and give me strength and courage to get through this.
hang in there atalose..
tam is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to tam For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-04-2011), Babyblue (02-02-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011)
Old 02-02-2011, 04:41 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,104
I am going to continue in al-anon at my home group for awhile, no major changes in any part of my life right now I think is wise. My dad’s alcoholism progressed after he retired and my ex is the one who helped me walk through those doors. Over the years the program has really helped in all aspects of my life, friends, work, neighbors and just relating to life in a healthy way all together.

I’ve also been to therapy, after my divorce my children and myself went to seek counseling and she was great with the kids which was the main focus. I chose to try therapy again years ago after my exbf’s first relapse, my out of control 15 year old niece was dumped on my doorstep and both my parents were facing major medical issues. My first reaction to this therapist was that she was condescending and cold but I went for a few more sessions thinking it was me. Well after 5 sessions she wanted me to just get over the ex and stay away from any future alcoholics/addicts, she wanted me to just send my niece back exactly the way she came – put her on an airplane and after it takes off, call her mother and tell her mother to go pick her up at the airport. She wanted me to hire a health aid to deal with my parents illnesses and simple just get on with my life!!!

Maybe a counselor who specializes in addictions would be worth looking into. All I know is that addiction is not the only issue facing me, I have others and I do know I need help in sorting it all out. SR has been a wonderful resource, a tremendous part of my support system and I thank all of you for being there with me on my journey.
atalose is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post:
litehorse (02-03-2011)
Old 02-02-2011, 07:34 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,589
Blog Entries: 3
I hear ya. The end of a relationship is a lot like a death and even if it wasn't good for us it is still a loss and it hurts a lot.

I went to a few meeting where everyone had left their S/O and I had not yet and they kind of blew me off. The ones who stayed with them embraced me though and now they are kinda blowing me off.

Now I am in the middle of my family getting clean and it is no bed of roses either mostly thorns am waiting for it to get good one day....
splendra is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to splendra For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-04-2011), Babyblue (02-02-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011)
Old 02-02-2011, 08:07 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Babyblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Reading this thread and Tam's response really is helping me as well. I am not leaving my relationship but I have yet to find a meeting which was welcoming or supportive. Members seemed to be going through the motions instead of really connecting with others so I was sorta disappointed. And then I read on here over and over 'go to Al-anon!'.

I feel very isolated and Al-anon actually made me feel worse hearing all those stories of pain from a parent or ACoA. I'm just some chick in love with some guy in recovery. I felt like my story wasn't nearly as 'important' nor did I get any support.

I'd also love to attend a support group. I am in therapy but I get the same response: sort of this look on my therapists face actually when I talk about the RABF. It is almost like she has no direct experience working with anyone who is in recovery (she is young). My friends are actually pretty cool about it but that is because they know the RABF.

Just know that you really aren't alone and wish you all lived in my town!

bb



Originally Posted by tam View Post
atalose, I understand what your going through. I stopped going to meetings because I felt there werent any connections with me since my AH and I have split. dont get me wrong, the meetings helped me tremendously in the beginning.but most of the people were either living with their spouses (who were sober) or there were parents,which I feel for them all but it just seemed different for me although I know its not easy for them either.
I didnt seem to click in, there were no people on the call lists who fit my situation. nor did anyone step up and connect with me as well.

.....I would love to find or start a group for people who's significant other is an addict..I think it would really be helpful as I do remember some newbies in our situation at the meetings who never came back, they would walk up to me and thank me for sharing my story but never came back and I often wished they had.
I feel lost too, but leaning on my HP to direct me and give me strength and courage to get through this.
hang in there atalose..
Babyblue is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Babyblue For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-04-2011), litehorse (02-03-2011), tam (02-03-2011)
Old 02-03-2011, 07:51 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
it is what it is
 
litehorse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
an experiential learning activity which i have facilitated many times involves a group of people moving from one area to another with only a few stepping stones - they have to follow certain perameters but it has always amazed me that although the basic solution is the same the individuals in each group interpret the solution in different ways so the experience is unique to that group - i find recovery to be that way also - there are certain things that have to be accomplished in recovery for it to be true recovery but we all put our personal touch on how that translates into our lives - i have felt much of the same disconnects that you mentioned, atalose, and you have gotten some of the most amazing responses - i hope you find the internal and external connections you are looking for- blessings
litehorse is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to litehorse For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-04-2011)
Old 02-03-2011, 08:55 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
tam
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
babyblue, I see your on the moon, would love to join you at this point,lol.

I tried googling support groups for divorce/seperation from addiction and
didnt find anything. the divorce/seperation group I go to, there arent people there about addiction. its helping with the divorce issues but again would love to connect to others who lost a relationship from addiction.
tam is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to tam For This Useful Post:
atalose (02-04-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:44 PM.