phase 1 initiated
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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phase 1 initiated
so, my friend got the call sat morn that a bed was available and she took the opportunity to go.
i have been anticipating this for a couple weeks and was looking forward to that day to get some relief. it's a weird adjustment. even though she was not staying with me, my house seems quiet. i have to adjust to not being in that hyper alert mode. i have a small sense of guilt for having been looking forward for her to go, but i know its the best for me and for her.
i have no expectations and will no do any thing that facilitates her leaving and returning to our area.
i really feel nothing, which is weird to me. i wasexpecting to feel more relief and joy at having all my time to me and not having to struggle with enabling or not. i start my tranistion now and expect good things to come. i am going to look at the car i want on saturday.
its time for me to get back inside my head in a spiritual way and i will continue to post, but sporadic as i have been doing.
closing the book on this one
i have been anticipating this for a couple weeks and was looking forward to that day to get some relief. it's a weird adjustment. even though she was not staying with me, my house seems quiet. i have to adjust to not being in that hyper alert mode. i have a small sense of guilt for having been looking forward for her to go, but i know its the best for me and for her.
i have no expectations and will no do any thing that facilitates her leaving and returning to our area.
i really feel nothing, which is weird to me. i wasexpecting to feel more relief and joy at having all my time to me and not having to struggle with enabling or not. i start my tranistion now and expect good things to come. i am going to look at the car i want on saturday.
its time for me to get back inside my head in a spiritual way and i will continue to post, but sporadic as i have been doing.
closing the book on this one
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 105
Thats great Steve. I'm so glad she finally is going to get the help she needs. I wonder if we really close the book on anything we have lived through. Every situation teaches us something and in some ways~~thats a good thing. Not that I would want anyone to have to deals with addicts but we do learn along the way how to help others in their time of need. So, good luck with the car and the peacefullness you will f be feeling in the weeks ahead.....
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i have to adjust to not being in that hyper alert mode.
Hope you have a great time checking out the car!
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This is great news Steve! Just be aware you could get a call from her complaining about the the facility, keeping all fingers crossed that this will not happen. Don't touch it with a 10ft pole if it does.
Rose
Rose
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well, here i am. two forward one back. one forward two back. somewhere along the line.
me- i cant understand how i wanted so bad to be out of the situation, but once it sets in i feel weird again- a bit depressed, sad, alone.
her- she completed detox, which was a great feat. small in the long run, but i like to give credit. it was a five day detox from which she was to go into a 14 day residential then switch to long term. thats how hte funding was working. well, the night before detox was over the placed called me, since i was the contact number, t osay they filled the bed she was to use the next day and would have to release her, but that she could come back in a week.
well, i find that rather pointless and wont go into it all. she was actually really upset about it, and wanted to go right to rehab. she lasted nearly 3 days on her own without using and is in process of getting housing and working on another detox that will go straight to rehab.
i didnt want to only post about her, but i am glad to se that she didnt totally give up and is trying.
me again- i dont know where my head is. sometimes i want a total cut, other times i wnat ot remain her friend. i am learning the proper boundries and have to say i feel good about keeping them and she has respected them.
i didnt getto look atthe car due to it being 3 hours away from me and it was raining. hopefully this weekend.
me- i cant understand how i wanted so bad to be out of the situation, but once it sets in i feel weird again- a bit depressed, sad, alone.
her- she completed detox, which was a great feat. small in the long run, but i like to give credit. it was a five day detox from which she was to go into a 14 day residential then switch to long term. thats how hte funding was working. well, the night before detox was over the placed called me, since i was the contact number, t osay they filled the bed she was to use the next day and would have to release her, but that she could come back in a week.
well, i find that rather pointless and wont go into it all. she was actually really upset about it, and wanted to go right to rehab. she lasted nearly 3 days on her own without using and is in process of getting housing and working on another detox that will go straight to rehab.
i didnt want to only post about her, but i am glad to se that she didnt totally give up and is trying.
me again- i dont know where my head is. sometimes i want a total cut, other times i wnat ot remain her friend. i am learning the proper boundries and have to say i feel good about keeping them and she has respected them.
i didnt getto look atthe car due to it being 3 hours away from me and it was raining. hopefully this weekend.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Your doing fine Steve. As long as she is involved with taking care of herself I would be there to support. But, getting out of detox and using again wasn't the smartest as you can see. From what we have been through the rehab program is just the beginning. I'm a firm believer now that long term rehab is the answer. Good luck with getting the car....
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i am wishing for your sake that she goes into a salvation army program. they are long-term, which i believe she needs, and very strict.
i wonder if it is the truth that they just gave her bed away. i mean, they committed to her when they did the intake.
i just hope you will continue to feel more of the freedom you need and deserve, steve.
my 2 cents is that you have far too much involvement, even at this arm's length.
i wonder if it is the truth that they just gave her bed away. i mean, they committed to her when they did the intake.
i just hope you will continue to feel more of the freedom you need and deserve, steve.
my 2 cents is that you have far too much involvement, even at this arm's length.
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tam- i want to see the car when it is perfectly dry so that i can get underneath to look for any signs of leaks.
coffeedrinker- the admissions person called me to explain the situation. i also spoke with the person from the county that provides the funding and, all both said was, well that happens sometimes. they said they could not hold a bed one night becaiuse it is too expensive to leave it empty. and i agree that i have too much involvment at this arms length.
aside from that, though, i believe practically nothing of what i hear. the last option is that she works wit hthe lady from the summer who will coordinate a smooth transition from detox to 30 day rehab and from there to salvation army.
i see how quickly arms lenght involvement annoys me now.
coffeedrinker- the admissions person called me to explain the situation. i also spoke with the person from the county that provides the funding and, all both said was, well that happens sometimes. they said they could not hold a bed one night becaiuse it is too expensive to leave it empty. and i agree that i have too much involvment at this arms length.
aside from that, though, i believe practically nothing of what i hear. the last option is that she works wit hthe lady from the summer who will coordinate a smooth transition from detox to 30 day rehab and from there to salvation army.
i see how quickly arms lenght involvement annoys me now.
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Hi Steve!
I wrote a long response full of indignation and reproachment and then I realized I was projecting because your friend and my bf are very acutely addicted (his d.o.c. is alcohol tho).
So I'll just draw some parallels to get my point across:
You know more about her detox issues, program arrangments etc than I do about my RABF's. I didn't know you were her primary contact. That isn't arms length, that is arm deep
His mom is his and even his own mom limits her involvement as it is.
The last thing I'd want is to be the BF's primary contact (or the stress involved in that task). I don't want that much involvement in his recovery and he is better for it. It reinforces that he is doing this himself.
I believe The Salvation Army program is similar to the one the BF is in; long term and very strict limits on who they can and can't contact. And members of the opposite sex (non-related, or by marriage) are NOT allowed anywhere near the addict in the bf's program for about 8 months. I think the women's side is even more strict. Draconian yes and I hate the rule but the more I read your story, the more I understand why it is so.
I am honest enough to myself to admit that my being more involved is only a way to insure my place in his life... meaning it would be about ME and not for any benefit of his. It would be a powerful position to be in frankly, being the one they consult if something should happen to him, updating me on his progress.. I'd be in codependent heaven!
I know you want her to do well but you can't let go and let her do that so it will be an uphill battle for her to embrace her recovery as HERS as long as you feel the need to be involved. Sometimes admitting things to ourselves is very painful, it also releases our feeling of control we want over a situation that is way beyond ours to understand, let alone control.
If you can't let go then at least be honest with yourself because if you are, then maybe you will understand yourself better and what motivates you to be so involved.
Good luck my friend.
bb
I wrote a long response full of indignation and reproachment and then I realized I was projecting because your friend and my bf are very acutely addicted (his d.o.c. is alcohol tho).
So I'll just draw some parallels to get my point across:
You know more about her detox issues, program arrangments etc than I do about my RABF's. I didn't know you were her primary contact. That isn't arms length, that is arm deep
His mom is his and even his own mom limits her involvement as it is.The last thing I'd want is to be the BF's primary contact (or the stress involved in that task). I don't want that much involvement in his recovery and he is better for it. It reinforces that he is doing this himself.
I believe The Salvation Army program is similar to the one the BF is in; long term and very strict limits on who they can and can't contact. And members of the opposite sex (non-related, or by marriage) are NOT allowed anywhere near the addict in the bf's program for about 8 months. I think the women's side is even more strict. Draconian yes and I hate the rule but the more I read your story, the more I understand why it is so.
I am honest enough to myself to admit that my being more involved is only a way to insure my place in his life... meaning it would be about ME and not for any benefit of his. It would be a powerful position to be in frankly, being the one they consult if something should happen to him, updating me on his progress.. I'd be in codependent heaven!
I know you want her to do well but you can't let go and let her do that so it will be an uphill battle for her to embrace her recovery as HERS as long as you feel the need to be involved. Sometimes admitting things to ourselves is very painful, it also releases our feeling of control we want over a situation that is way beyond ours to understand, let alone control.
If you can't let go then at least be honest with yourself because if you are, then maybe you will understand yourself better and what motivates you to be so involved.
Good luck my friend.
bb
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Originally Posted by steve1840 
the thing is i dont want to be involved anymore, but its like i got myself backed in a corner i keep hoping will resolve itself. yes, too passive.
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