What is wrong with me!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 44
What is wrong with me!!
It was 54 days of no contact with my exab. And I'm not even sure I can take much credit since it meant it was 54 days since he hasn't contacted me. I can't even say he has tried to get in contact with me. It's just me fighting the urge to contact him. Someone who doesn't even care. But a few days ago I woke up and thought today would be the day to finally send him pictures he asked for of our 11 week daughter who he never met or has the desire to meet.*
Why??!! Why would I send him pictures of her telling him look what he's missing. He doesn't even deserve to know what she looks like.*
Of course a few days after I send the pictures he emails why he doesn't ever call is beyond me his sister telling her he's ready to meet our daughter and he's excited. Wants to know if she will go with him. She emails back yes of course. 1 week later and no reply from him.
Ughhh why
who thinks being treated like crap is ok. I had guys treat me bad before. Heck I was with somebody for 5 years who cheated on me while he was going through chemo while I stuck by his side. He was sick battling a life threatening illness and yet I was able to move on. One day just said I can't do this anymore after months of still sticking by his side as a friend it hurt too much. I cut him out of my life. Only to watch him take his last breath and to bury him at the age of 23 a few months later. Yet I was able to deal with it
My exab has put me through hell. And he never thought twice about him stressing me out so much nearly costing me to lose my baby girl. And yet I can't move on. It's like I don't want to. I do but I keep thinking ok today I can do this my daughter and I are better off without him. Then the next, day, hour, minute I feel hopeless. He's dragged me along even while in jail and now living with another addict girl whos unstable herself.I still think why her. He hasn't even attempted to try to see my daughter. Living his life like she doesn't exist. *I keep asking why doesn't he love us enough. Why can't he be honest with himself. Why does he have to be so heartless, so cold. I know already because he's an addict!! But why do I *even care!! I have a beautiful healthy new baby girl but I'm so stuck on a selfish addict jerk the thought of him consumes me. It makes me sad and sick to my stomache. * **
*
**
*
Why??!! Why would I send him pictures of her telling him look what he's missing. He doesn't even deserve to know what she looks like.*
Of course a few days after I send the pictures he emails why he doesn't ever call is beyond me his sister telling her he's ready to meet our daughter and he's excited. Wants to know if she will go with him. She emails back yes of course. 1 week later and no reply from him.
Ughhh why
who thinks being treated like crap is ok. I had guys treat me bad before. Heck I was with somebody for 5 years who cheated on me while he was going through chemo while I stuck by his side. He was sick battling a life threatening illness and yet I was able to move on. One day just said I can't do this anymore after months of still sticking by his side as a friend it hurt too much. I cut him out of my life. Only to watch him take his last breath and to bury him at the age of 23 a few months later. Yet I was able to deal with it
My exab has put me through hell. And he never thought twice about him stressing me out so much nearly costing me to lose my baby girl. And yet I can't move on. It's like I don't want to. I do but I keep thinking ok today I can do this my daughter and I are better off without him. Then the next, day, hour, minute I feel hopeless. He's dragged me along even while in jail and now living with another addict girl whos unstable herself.I still think why her. He hasn't even attempted to try to see my daughter. Living his life like she doesn't exist. *I keep asking why doesn't he love us enough. Why can't he be honest with himself. Why does he have to be so heartless, so cold. I know already because he's an addict!! But why do I *even care!! I have a beautiful healthy new baby girl but I'm so stuck on a selfish addict jerk the thought of him consumes me. It makes me sad and sick to my stomache. * **
*
**
*
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Please be gentle with yourself, you have a lot on your plate right now being a new mom. I will tell you that I was always at my weakest point after having a child. The hormones really did me in and also made me very emotional. I have three children, but my oldest has a different father and he was not an addict. It kills me that he does not try harder to have a relationship with her. I would walk through fire for my kids and it kills me when I do not see a biological parent not wanting to do the same. I just do not understand it either you are not alone.
So please take care of yourself and that beautiful baby and know that one loving parent is enough. She will grow up to be a happy and healthy with a mom that is happy and healthy.
So please take care of yourself and that beautiful baby and know that one loving parent is enough. She will grow up to be a happy and healthy with a mom that is happy and healthy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
foreverchanged, Im so sorry your going through this. I can only imagine being a new mom and going through this is even more difficult,but I feel your pain.
I still have trouble coming to terms with my ah not caring, left his home of 50 years, our marriage of 26 years and our pets of 17 years and my family as well (he has no family).gone, just gone.
I always felt like calling him and ask why? how can you do this? dont you care? I often think of sending him his pictures and thought maybe that will click in his head, it wont. it took me a long time (thanks to this forum) to get it in my head that this is what drugs do. drugs are much more powerful than what we think they are. I believe they lose not only personal belongings from the drug but also they lose their thoughts (mind). very sad I know. We have to let go, let them live their lives as they choice because as you know living with it isnt healthy for us.
I know its painful for us. I still am recovering now for a year but we also have
to think about what we want in life as well and Im sure you and your baby
deserve and want a happy life.
Take care of yourself and your baby, keep getting support and know we are all here for you..
I still have trouble coming to terms with my ah not caring, left his home of 50 years, our marriage of 26 years and our pets of 17 years and my family as well (he has no family).gone, just gone.
I always felt like calling him and ask why? how can you do this? dont you care? I often think of sending him his pictures and thought maybe that will click in his head, it wont. it took me a long time (thanks to this forum) to get it in my head that this is what drugs do. drugs are much more powerful than what we think they are. I believe they lose not only personal belongings from the drug but also they lose their thoughts (mind). very sad I know. We have to let go, let them live their lives as they choice because as you know living with it isnt healthy for us.
I know its painful for us. I still am recovering now for a year but we also have
to think about what we want in life as well and Im sure you and your baby
deserve and want a happy life.
Take care of yourself and your baby, keep getting support and know we are all here for you..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Foreverchanged 
Ughhh why
who thinks being treated like crap is ok.
Only those who allow themselves to be treated this way, can answer this.
My exab has put me through hell.
Another way of looking at this is that you allowed him to take you on a tour of hell-o.
He's dragged me along even while in jail and now living with another addict girl whos unstable herself.
How exactly has he dragged you along? It sorta sounds like you are pursuing him with hopeful fantasies that he is going to magically turn into the man you want him to be..
I still think why her.
Why not her? Or, even better, thank my lucky stars it is her and not me. Who needs an immature, irresponsible sun of a beehive in their life?
He hasn't even attempted to try to see my daughter. Living his life like she doesn't exist.
He's an immature, irresponsible sun of a beehive.
Have you pursued child support, yet?
*I keep asking why doesn't he love us enough.
He's an immature, irresponsible sun of a beehive. He's not capable of loving anyone. This is not personal. It just feels that way.
Why can't he be honest with himself.
Who is to say he is not being honest with himself and doing what he wants to do, regardless of how it hurts other people?
Why does he have to be so heartless, so cold.
He is. That's all that's necessary to understand.
I know already because he's an addict!!
He's an immature, irresponsible sun of a beehive. Drugs have nothing to do with this. ]
But why do I *even care!! I have a beautiful healthy new baby girl but I'm so stuck on a selfish addict jerk the thought of him consumes me. It makes me sad and sick to my stomache.
who thinks being treated like crap is ok.
Only those who allow themselves to be treated this way, can answer this.
My exab has put me through hell.
Another way of looking at this is that you allowed him to take you on a tour of hell-o.
He's dragged me along even while in jail and now living with another addict girl whos unstable herself.
How exactly has he dragged you along? It sorta sounds like you are pursuing him with hopeful fantasies that he is going to magically turn into the man you want him to be..
I still think why her.
Why not her? Or, even better, thank my lucky stars it is her and not me. Who needs an immature, irresponsible sun of a beehive in their life?
He hasn't even attempted to try to see my daughter. Living his life like she doesn't exist.
He's an immature, irresponsible sun of a beehive.
Have you pursued child support, yet?
*I keep asking why doesn't he love us enough.
He's an immature, irresponsible sun of a beehive. He's not capable of loving anyone. This is not personal. It just feels that way.
Why can't he be honest with himself.
Who is to say he is not being honest with himself and doing what he wants to do, regardless of how it hurts other people?
Why does he have to be so heartless, so cold.
He is. That's all that's necessary to understand.
I know already because he's an addict!!
He's an immature, irresponsible sun of a beehive. Drugs have nothing to do with this. ]
But why do I *even care!! I have a beautiful healthy new baby girl but I'm so stuck on a selfish addict jerk the thought of him consumes me. It makes me sad and sick to my stomache.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
There is nothing 'wrong' with you. You are a new mom struggling to make sense of some of the choices you made in your life, and your exbf has made choices as well that do not involve his new and precious daughter.
Why or who or when isn't even relevant. He has abandoned her.
If he wants her in his life, let him prove he can be a responsible father but be mindful of subjecting your daughter to his drama if he is still in your life in any way and how that will affect her.
Put the fantasy to bed once and for all.
He isn't the father you wanted for your child. You cannot teach him, coerce him, guilt him, or drag him to be that father, with our without the drug issue.
Deadbeat dad. Period.
Why or who or when isn't even relevant. He has abandoned her.
If he wants her in his life, let him prove he can be a responsible father but be mindful of subjecting your daughter to his drama if he is still in your life in any way and how that will affect her.
Put the fantasy to bed once and for all.
He isn't the father you wanted for your child. You cannot teach him, coerce him, guilt him, or drag him to be that father, with our without the drug issue.
Deadbeat dad. Period.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
Progressively throughout my life, I have "collected" people who constantly use me. To varying levels, but use none the less. My ah, my ad, my three sons, my employees, my family, etc......
A couple of years ago I just about shut down. I was isolating myself & didn't trust anybody. Couldn't figure out why after all I did for everyone they just kept wiping their feet on me.
Then I heard the words that changed my life. "You teach people how to treat you"!
I had! Every time I fixed the messes they made, continued to employee them while they lied/manipulated, loaned them money, came up with the answers they needed. I was telling them, go ahead, treat me like s**t, I'll still be here.
Over the last couple of years I have spent a difficult journey of re-educating the people in my life. It hasn't been easy. But every time someone attempts to use me now, I realize that I am partially to blame for setting the precedent, but it stops here.
Stand strong. The best thing for you, while he is using, is to ignore you. You both don't need that.
Will keep you in my thoughts.
A couple of years ago I just about shut down. I was isolating myself & didn't trust anybody. Couldn't figure out why after all I did for everyone they just kept wiping their feet on me.
Then I heard the words that changed my life. "You teach people how to treat you"!
I had! Every time I fixed the messes they made, continued to employee them while they lied/manipulated, loaned them money, came up with the answers they needed. I was telling them, go ahead, treat me like s**t, I'll still be here.
Over the last couple of years I have spent a difficult journey of re-educating the people in my life. It hasn't been easy. But every time someone attempts to use me now, I realize that I am partially to blame for setting the precedent, but it stops here.
Stand strong. The best thing for you, while he is using, is to ignore you. You both don't need that.
Will keep you in my thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 44
LC1972
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I didn't even realize I'm more emotional than usual but I believe you have a point Of course that's not the only factor contributing to me not letting myself move on I know I lost my sense of self somehow but I am going through a very sensetive time now as well
Tam
I'm so sorry to hear after 26 years you had to deal with the loss of your marriage to addiction. I only had a few years with this person yet his addiction has hurt me so much.
I know that sending pictures won't do anything. I already wrote letters, took his phone calls and even sent him books on overcoming addiction and why a daughter needs her dad while he was in jail but for what, nothing. It didn't phase him. Their is nothing I can possibly do or say I know better yet I still sent pictures.
Out to Lunch,
I take accountabiliy on allowing him to bring me with him. But it was nearly 6 months until I knew that he was even using. 4 months while we were still living together and 2 after he left. I didn't have a clue I never lived with or had someone close to me who was an addict. I thought he was scared Many of his "new" friends lied for him. It was only a week before he went to jail I started putting the puzzle pieces together then all of a sudden his friends I knew well started coming out of he woodwork telling me oh yeah he's in deep I thought you knew. Had a few people tell me before but it was always him telling me oh so and so does heroin and is just making stuff up and so and so is mad at me. They are all just trying to ruin our relationship. He finally admitted to me he was using and cheated when he was in jail.
As far as pursuing him he asked for pictures and that's why I sent them. I haven't emailed, called or wrote him anymore letters. I stopped contact and for whatever reason I gave in. I'm slowly letting go and just now am accepting he is no longer the guy I thought he was. All the promises he made are just that, promises. His actions speak louder than any words he has said in the past.
And maybe dragged me along isn't the right words. I'm not sure what to call it maybe manipulation I don't know. But naive, stupid, whatever to call me I believed him when he said he wanted help, wanted to get better and wanted a family. I told him he needed to be well and be a stable person before he could be apart of my daughters life. I did also say I can't help you you gotta do it on your own. He had no job and nowhere to live. But I wouldn't let him stay with me. Even my parents visited him in jail. On their own account he was like a son to them and since he lost both his parents he was close to them. Told them he wanted to take care of me and the baby. They believed him too. He has not always treated me badly. He was a compassionate, sweet and respectable companion at one time.
Yes I have filed for cs. I don't have his current address though and since I'm not on public assistance cs office seems to be dragging their feet finding him. I gave them all the info I have so we shall see. He's still hiding. Even his own family hasn't seen him for months and don't know where he's at. It's like he dropped of the face of the earth.
They have given me whatever information they do have and I passed it on to CS.
I don't if he's being honest with himself in the sense he tries to blame me for his problem. I don't know how it is to be addicted, I wasn't affectionate enough, didn't pay him attention when he needed me the most etc... He's admitted to me and his sister that he has been doing drugs and then tries to deny it. And has told me twice he was in rehab and wants to get better to be a good dad. But then doesn't attempt to see his daughter. Why bother with all the lies? What's the point?
I agree all that matters is he's heartless and cold. He has changed within the past few months. His integrity and morals seem non existent. He had such a good heart. Even his family feels blindsided and has minimal contact with him now. it's really hard for me to think is it his real character or does the drugs have something to do with it? The line seems so blurred right now. I guess we were living a lie all this time. The happiness I thought we had was just a visage. His excitement of us having our first baby was fake it makes me sad and angry. I think one of the things I can't get over is we discussed if proceeding with the pregnancy was a good choice. I was hesitant because of my own issues of not being "ready". But after we talked he convinced me we could do this together. After much thought I agreed. We made a life altering decision based on a lie. At that point he was already using pretty heavily but he didn't bother telling me or at least giving good thought if it was wise to bring an innocent human being into the situation.
And yes I considered counseling I was going a short time while I was pregnant because I was physically and emotionally turned inside out. Now due to insurance issues I have to wait but plan on it. Their has to be some reason I can't move on and I also would like to figure out why I would choose this kind of guy so I can avoid gettting involved with someone like him in the future.
Baby blue,
Yes he has abandoned her. And I was leaving it alone until he exuberated effort to see her IF he even tried. until I sent the pics that's why I'm so angry and dissapointed in myself. And if he did make an effort to see her I already knew I was going to say he can't be around her until he's well.I know I know have no effect on him if I did he would have never left along with a lot of other things.
Barely here,
Yup I agree. From what I recall I haven't had any previous relationships Of people who have used me. I have a supportive close knit family and great friends Most who think I'm doing quite well due to the circumstances. Most don't know the inner turmoil I'm goin through. He was the only toxic person I have had in my life. I never let him know I considerEd giving him another chance even though I still promised he would change and I thought about it. But maybe he still was able to sense my weakness.
Yes I know he's no good yes I know I don't deserve what he did to me yes I know I accepted it at one point. I know he abandoned his daughter. Yes I know I need to let go of the fantasy. I know drugs or not hes done what he has done. I know but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. I always feel like I'm making progress and then something happens. A memory, a thought, or something and then I feel like I take two steps back.
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I didn't even realize I'm more emotional than usual but I believe you have a point Of course that's not the only factor contributing to me not letting myself move on I know I lost my sense of self somehow but I am going through a very sensetive time now as well
Tam
I'm so sorry to hear after 26 years you had to deal with the loss of your marriage to addiction. I only had a few years with this person yet his addiction has hurt me so much.
I know that sending pictures won't do anything. I already wrote letters, took his phone calls and even sent him books on overcoming addiction and why a daughter needs her dad while he was in jail but for what, nothing. It didn't phase him. Their is nothing I can possibly do or say I know better yet I still sent pictures.
Out to Lunch,
I take accountabiliy on allowing him to bring me with him. But it was nearly 6 months until I knew that he was even using. 4 months while we were still living together and 2 after he left. I didn't have a clue I never lived with or had someone close to me who was an addict. I thought he was scared Many of his "new" friends lied for him. It was only a week before he went to jail I started putting the puzzle pieces together then all of a sudden his friends I knew well started coming out of he woodwork telling me oh yeah he's in deep I thought you knew. Had a few people tell me before but it was always him telling me oh so and so does heroin and is just making stuff up and so and so is mad at me. They are all just trying to ruin our relationship. He finally admitted to me he was using and cheated when he was in jail.
As far as pursuing him he asked for pictures and that's why I sent them. I haven't emailed, called or wrote him anymore letters. I stopped contact and for whatever reason I gave in. I'm slowly letting go and just now am accepting he is no longer the guy I thought he was. All the promises he made are just that, promises. His actions speak louder than any words he has said in the past.
And maybe dragged me along isn't the right words. I'm not sure what to call it maybe manipulation I don't know. But naive, stupid, whatever to call me I believed him when he said he wanted help, wanted to get better and wanted a family. I told him he needed to be well and be a stable person before he could be apart of my daughters life. I did also say I can't help you you gotta do it on your own. He had no job and nowhere to live. But I wouldn't let him stay with me. Even my parents visited him in jail. On their own account he was like a son to them and since he lost both his parents he was close to them. Told them he wanted to take care of me and the baby. They believed him too. He has not always treated me badly. He was a compassionate, sweet and respectable companion at one time.
Yes I have filed for cs. I don't have his current address though and since I'm not on public assistance cs office seems to be dragging their feet finding him. I gave them all the info I have so we shall see. He's still hiding. Even his own family hasn't seen him for months and don't know where he's at. It's like he dropped of the face of the earth.
They have given me whatever information they do have and I passed it on to CS.
I don't if he's being honest with himself in the sense he tries to blame me for his problem. I don't know how it is to be addicted, I wasn't affectionate enough, didn't pay him attention when he needed me the most etc... He's admitted to me and his sister that he has been doing drugs and then tries to deny it. And has told me twice he was in rehab and wants to get better to be a good dad. But then doesn't attempt to see his daughter. Why bother with all the lies? What's the point?
I agree all that matters is he's heartless and cold. He has changed within the past few months. His integrity and morals seem non existent. He had such a good heart. Even his family feels blindsided and has minimal contact with him now. it's really hard for me to think is it his real character or does the drugs have something to do with it? The line seems so blurred right now. I guess we were living a lie all this time. The happiness I thought we had was just a visage. His excitement of us having our first baby was fake it makes me sad and angry. I think one of the things I can't get over is we discussed if proceeding with the pregnancy was a good choice. I was hesitant because of my own issues of not being "ready". But after we talked he convinced me we could do this together. After much thought I agreed. We made a life altering decision based on a lie. At that point he was already using pretty heavily but he didn't bother telling me or at least giving good thought if it was wise to bring an innocent human being into the situation.
And yes I considered counseling I was going a short time while I was pregnant because I was physically and emotionally turned inside out. Now due to insurance issues I have to wait but plan on it. Their has to be some reason I can't move on and I also would like to figure out why I would choose this kind of guy so I can avoid gettting involved with someone like him in the future.
Baby blue,
Yes he has abandoned her. And I was leaving it alone until he exuberated effort to see her IF he even tried. until I sent the pics that's why I'm so angry and dissapointed in myself. And if he did make an effort to see her I already knew I was going to say he can't be around her until he's well.I know I know have no effect on him if I did he would have never left along with a lot of other things.
Barely here,
Yup I agree. From what I recall I haven't had any previous relationships Of people who have used me. I have a supportive close knit family and great friends Most who think I'm doing quite well due to the circumstances. Most don't know the inner turmoil I'm goin through. He was the only toxic person I have had in my life. I never let him know I considerEd giving him another chance even though I still promised he would change and I thought about it. But maybe he still was able to sense my weakness.
Yes I know he's no good yes I know I don't deserve what he did to me yes I know I accepted it at one point. I know he abandoned his daughter. Yes I know I need to let go of the fantasy. I know drugs or not hes done what he has done. I know but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. I always feel like I'm making progress and then something happens. A memory, a thought, or something and then I feel like I take two steps back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Foreverchanged
I agree all that matters is he's heartless and cold.
The happiness I thought we had was just a visage. His excitement of us having our first baby was fake it makes me sad and angry. I think one of the things I can't get over is we discussed if proceeding with the pregnancy was a good choice. I was hesitant because of my own issues of not being "ready". But after we talked he convinced me we could do this together. After much thought I agreed. We made a life altering decision based on a lie. At that point he was already using pretty heavily but he didn't bother telling me or at least giving good thought if it was wise to bring an innocent human being into the situation.
People who engage in hard core drugs are living in the moment and likely do not give thought to consequences or believe they can control it, until it controls them. even then, it's probably easier to remain in denial than take ownership.
The real sucky part is that you made a life altering decision without the courtesy of knowing all the facts. He chose the easy way our to protect himself and his addiction. That's hard core selfish and manipulative.
I chose my screen name because it reflected that I was absolutely clueless about my daughter's addiction. When I look back, all the signs were there. While I had no clue about drugs, I dismissed so many red flags along the way, which was my own denial.
Letting go of our hopeful fantasies is all a part of growing up and it never ends.
You will be Ok.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 44
[QUOTE=outtolunch;2850198]Please don't be so hard on yourself. His excitement about having a baby was likely real, in the moment. This " in the moment/life without consequence" type of thinking is rampant and most certainly not limited to addicts.
Very scary but I believe this is true. I have always been a cautious person and had my life planned out.
People who engage in hard core drugs are living in the moment and likely do not give thought to consequences or believe they can control it, until it controls them. even then, it's probably easier to remain in denial than take ownership.
I totally agree with you on this. That's what he seems to be doing now.I just received a call from his brother that he has been arrested again. I'm not sure of the details but for a parole violation regarding a permanete address. Goes to show he isn't able to live according to rules of the law how can he possibly live a normal functioning life. I am definitely better off without him.
The real sucky part is that you made a life altering decision without the courtesy of knowing all the facts. He chose the easy way our to protect himself and his addiction. That's hard core selfish and manipulative.
This is the hardest thing for me. This makes me angry but for whatever reason keeps me holding on.
I chose my screen name because it reflected that I was absolutely clueless about my daughter's addiction. When I look back, all the signs were there. While I had no clue about drugs, I dismissed so many red flags along the way, which was my own denial.
Looking back myself. I believe I dismissed red flags ignoring signs I should have paid attention to.
Letting go of our hopeful fantasies is all a part of growing up and it never ends.
This is what I have to work on. Hopefully with the help of a counselor I can get through this.
Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it and it helps
Very scary but I believe this is true. I have always been a cautious person and had my life planned out.
People who engage in hard core drugs are living in the moment and likely do not give thought to consequences or believe they can control it, until it controls them. even then, it's probably easier to remain in denial than take ownership.
I totally agree with you on this. That's what he seems to be doing now.I just received a call from his brother that he has been arrested again. I'm not sure of the details but for a parole violation regarding a permanete address. Goes to show he isn't able to live according to rules of the law how can he possibly live a normal functioning life. I am definitely better off without him.
The real sucky part is that you made a life altering decision without the courtesy of knowing all the facts. He chose the easy way our to protect himself and his addiction. That's hard core selfish and manipulative.
This is the hardest thing for me. This makes me angry but for whatever reason keeps me holding on.
I chose my screen name because it reflected that I was absolutely clueless about my daughter's addiction. When I look back, all the signs were there. While I had no clue about drugs, I dismissed so many red flags along the way, which was my own denial.
Looking back myself. I believe I dismissed red flags ignoring signs I should have paid attention to.
Letting go of our hopeful fantasies is all a part of growing up and it never ends.
This is what I have to work on. Hopefully with the help of a counselor I can get through this.
Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it and it helps
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 15
It is so difficult. I had the same issue. After I left my husband, he didn't try to call unless he needed money. Then he went to rehab, got out and still never contacted me. I found out later he was involved with many women during that time which killed me...not only because I had not yet moved on but because he didn't give me much of a physical relationship after we were married. It killed me and makes me believe I was only used as a caregiver, a source of enabling for his habit.
I have come to terms that it is very possible that that is all he wanted, needed or used me for. I would like to think he loved me. But I cannot be sure and don't believe it anymore. The most important thing I know is that I loved him. I loved him truly. I hoped that that would be enough to cure everything but it wasn't. As long as I know I loved and my feelings were genuine...that is what matters most. It doesn't matter anymore why he was with me, because we are not together anymore and I cannot go back.
Once you get over that you cannot control how he was, is, what he felt or feels (if he can feel anything while using), then you start to realize, as much as it hurts that he may not "care" because he can't while he's using, it is your love and strength that makes you a good person.
I wasn't that strong, I did contact my soon to be ex and provoked him and tried to get some sort of reaction or some sort of answers. After torturing myself with that I realized, his answers wouldn't mean anything anyways because you can never really trust or believe the addict.
Focus on you. REALLY FOCUS ON YOU. Realize that he doesn't contact you because he is an addict and cannot focus on life as you and I know it. He cannot focus on what really matters or mattered to him. It has nothing to do with what is important or what might otherwise or should be important to him. He can only think about his next fix. It's not you or your daughter. It is him.
I have come to terms that it is very possible that that is all he wanted, needed or used me for. I would like to think he loved me. But I cannot be sure and don't believe it anymore. The most important thing I know is that I loved him. I loved him truly. I hoped that that would be enough to cure everything but it wasn't. As long as I know I loved and my feelings were genuine...that is what matters most. It doesn't matter anymore why he was with me, because we are not together anymore and I cannot go back.
Once you get over that you cannot control how he was, is, what he felt or feels (if he can feel anything while using), then you start to realize, as much as it hurts that he may not "care" because he can't while he's using, it is your love and strength that makes you a good person.
I wasn't that strong, I did contact my soon to be ex and provoked him and tried to get some sort of reaction or some sort of answers. After torturing myself with that I realized, his answers wouldn't mean anything anyways because you can never really trust or believe the addict.
Focus on you. REALLY FOCUS ON YOU. Realize that he doesn't contact you because he is an addict and cannot focus on life as you and I know it. He cannot focus on what really matters or mattered to him. It has nothing to do with what is important or what might otherwise or should be important to him. He can only think about his next fix. It's not you or your daughter. It is him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
