Addiction and Parents
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Addiction and Parents
The more I think about my sons addiction and the time we have spent trying to get him to seek help and stick with a program the more angry I am at myself....for not realizing how sick he was when this all started. The could ofs~should ofs~ thoughts are driving me to a whole lot of guilt. Now I want to tell him I'm so sorry that I didn't step away a long time ago and let him fight this alone. This last relapse was the end for me. I miss him, I love him and I'm trying to stay away and see what happens. I realize he has to face life without mom and dad recusing him at every turn but "damn" this is hard. Why wasn't I a smarter parent? Now, in some way, I feel its my fault for not being more educated about drugs years ago and how to react to the user at the time. Just my though for the day and its great to be able to post it out loud here......hugs~
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Dignity))) - as an RA and someone who has A's in my family, I can tell you that it's not your fault.
I was raised by 2 loving parents, received discipline and encouragement and I still became an addict. My mom had died, by that time, and my dad doesn't have a clue about addiction, to this day.
He and my stepmom have raised my niece, and my stepmom is codie-to-the-core...raised by an alcoholic father, married to an abusive alcoholic, etc. My niece is now dabbling with drugs/liquor and has for years. She's 17.
I've tried to be the one who doesn't enable her, the one who doesn't tolerate her behavior, and I'm the one she's most angry with. I understand that it's because I'm "safe"....she knows I love her, she knows what I went through with MY addiction, and she is angry that she can't snow me.
It DOES hurt. I DO wonder if things would have been different for her if I'd been a more stable person in her life, but all I can do now, is the same thing you can do....let them walk their path, give them the dignity of learning about consequences, love them from a distance. My dad DID let me deal with my consequences, and I'm grateful. Of course, I was older and on my own, living 2 hours away.
I own my addiction and I own my recovery. No parent comes with instruction manuals. I don't even have any kids, but I know the pain of seeing a child go through addiction and wondering if I could have done anything different. This, coming from an addict who had to find her own path.
Don't know if this helps, or even makes sense, but try to give yourself a break. I was a codie, long before becoming an addict and I finally hit bottom on both accounts. We do better when we know better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I was raised by 2 loving parents, received discipline and encouragement and I still became an addict. My mom had died, by that time, and my dad doesn't have a clue about addiction, to this day.
He and my stepmom have raised my niece, and my stepmom is codie-to-the-core...raised by an alcoholic father, married to an abusive alcoholic, etc. My niece is now dabbling with drugs/liquor and has for years. She's 17.
I've tried to be the one who doesn't enable her, the one who doesn't tolerate her behavior, and I'm the one she's most angry with. I understand that it's because I'm "safe"....she knows I love her, she knows what I went through with MY addiction, and she is angry that she can't snow me.
It DOES hurt. I DO wonder if things would have been different for her if I'd been a more stable person in her life, but all I can do now, is the same thing you can do....let them walk their path, give them the dignity of learning about consequences, love them from a distance. My dad DID let me deal with my consequences, and I'm grateful. Of course, I was older and on my own, living 2 hours away.
I own my addiction and I own my recovery. No parent comes with instruction manuals. I don't even have any kids, but I know the pain of seeing a child go through addiction and wondering if I could have done anything different. This, coming from an addict who had to find her own path.
Don't know if this helps, or even makes sense, but try to give yourself a break. I was a codie, long before becoming an addict and I finally hit bottom on both accounts. We do better when we know better.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Victoria BC
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Dignity, you cannot blame yourself for not being a smarter parent, we dont really understand until it happens to us and then we learn along the way. We can read and learn all we want but until we are part of it we just dont understand. Our first step is to want to help, and sometimes we just keep on helping until we wear ourselves out and then we are no good to anyone. Try not to feel guilty you obviously tried everything you could but the addiction is stronger than us, as a mother we still think we can fix everything and when we cant we feel like a failure. But we arent, we offer everything we can then we feel at a loss because we cant win unless they are ready. Then its the time to step back and let whatever happens, happen. Oh its hard, very hard but try to learn to allow yourself only 15 minutes a day to do your worrying and then work at putting it away, and pray that he will find the right path. Bless you, there are many, many of us on the same boat.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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I _was_ educated about it and that didn't stop my son one bit. I suffered from gut wrenching feelings of guilt & replayed all of those 'woulda-shouldas' in my mind. I finally came to realize that I did the best I could...my son had two good parents and all the love, guidance & discipline and every good thing we could provide.
One of the best gifts of recovery was to realize that I was just not powerful enough to change other people...even my own kids...especially my own kids. My influence, wishes and directives were just that and nothing more. People do what they want to.
It was his choice, and continued to be his choice; until things got so bad for him that hard consequences and a year in jail motivated him to stop.
Re the guilt, I love this phrase:
"When I learned to do better, I 'did' better."
I think there's a second part to it... but that's the part that helps me most when I'm feeling bad about something I can't change, predict or fix.
Hugs, from one mom to another.
One of the best gifts of recovery was to realize that I was just not powerful enough to change other people...even my own kids...especially my own kids. My influence, wishes and directives were just that and nothing more. People do what they want to.
It was his choice, and continued to be his choice; until things got so bad for him that hard consequences and a year in jail motivated him to stop.
Re the guilt, I love this phrase:
"When I learned to do better, I 'did' better."
I think there's a second part to it... but that's the part that helps me most when I'm feeling bad about something I can't change, predict or fix.
Hugs, from one mom to another.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Island Cat~ thats what my therapist told me...take 15 minutes a day and then put my t
thinking anout my son away.
Imperrfect~ In my heart I know this isn't my fault but for some reason I have a hard time accepting that.
cmc~~~~ I am trying to do better and have. Sometimes I just wish I could run away and all this would disappear. I'm a very inpatience person which is not a very good virtue I guess. When my son is clean he is such a great guy and I hate seeing him drag himself down which he has done again. Just wishing he would "get it" before he hurts himself anymore. The health issue is a bug thing with me.
Thanks so much all of you. Its 3am and I can't sleep. ZZzzzz
thinking anout my son away.
Imperrfect~ In my heart I know this isn't my fault but for some reason I have a hard time accepting that.
cmc~~~~ I am trying to do better and have. Sometimes I just wish I could run away and all this would disappear. I'm a very inpatience person which is not a very good virtue I guess. When my son is clean he is such a great guy and I hate seeing him drag himself down which he has done again. Just wishing he would "get it" before he hurts himself anymore. The health issue is a bug thing with me.
Thanks so much all of you. Its 3am and I can't sleep. ZZzzzz
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God love ya, Dignity. But as parents we are busy enough trying to get our kids through school, extracurriculars, learning the best way to discipline them with the behaviors they are currently exhibiting, etc.
There are tons of things we have not educated ourselves on. I have not educated myself on strokes and the treatment because I don't have to. Or diabetes because I do not have to. Or the proper care and treatment of husbands because I do not have to. Until I had a dog, I had not educated myself on the dog's life because i did not have to. When I got a dog, i was amazed at what I did not know. And i handle that dog differently now than when I first got her just through the course of educating myself.
And so it is with drugs and/or addiction.
You are grieving now. That's part of the process, and it will pass just like any process does. The end of the grieving process is acceptance, and that's a good place to be.
CMC makes a great point. Being educated about strokes would not have kept anybody I know from getting a stroke. And the nature of drug/alcohol use is to keep it secret. We have no clue why our loved one is behaving the way they are in the beginning. With teenagers especially, it is always attributed to "growing pains." It is only in hindsight that we see what was really going on. Even addiction specialists encounter that in their own family members and get bamboozled.
Hope that helps. If not, just forget it.
There are tons of things we have not educated ourselves on. I have not educated myself on strokes and the treatment because I don't have to. Or diabetes because I do not have to. Or the proper care and treatment of husbands because I do not have to. Until I had a dog, I had not educated myself on the dog's life because i did not have to. When I got a dog, i was amazed at what I did not know. And i handle that dog differently now than when I first got her just through the course of educating myself.
And so it is with drugs and/or addiction.
You are grieving now. That's part of the process, and it will pass just like any process does. The end of the grieving process is acceptance, and that's a good place to be.
CMC makes a great point. Being educated about strokes would not have kept anybody I know from getting a stroke. And the nature of drug/alcohol use is to keep it secret. We have no clue why our loved one is behaving the way they are in the beginning. With teenagers especially, it is always attributed to "growing pains." It is only in hindsight that we see what was really going on. Even addiction specialists encounter that in their own family members and get bamboozled.
Hope that helps. If not, just forget it.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Sojourner, Of course your words help. You make some good points there. At this time we are also dealing with a family member that has had a stroke. Relearning to walk has been a difficult task for him and at 97 I'm not so sure he wants to work that hard. I guess we all learn along the walk of life~~~and your so right. Today is a new one and I'm trying to stay positve with myself. Thanks again for the kind words.
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Dignity
I understand what you are going through right now and it's so very hard. We can't change the past. We can't undo the decisions that were made yesterday. I don't know about your son but mine has thrown away more opportunities than most people get in a lifetime. But I guess they were his opportunities to throw away, right?
Guilt has a purpose. To make us do something in the future or stop us from doing something we know is wrong. Guilt serves no purpose if it is about something in the past because we can't undo it. If something has no purpose, what do we do with it? We throw it away.
Let go and let God. Let go or be dragged.
You and I are walking this path together. My adult son has relapsed too. We are having to make some very difficult decisions. It's tough being the Mom of an addict.
Sending you lots and lots of gentle hugs
I understand what you are going through right now and it's so very hard. We can't change the past. We can't undo the decisions that were made yesterday. I don't know about your son but mine has thrown away more opportunities than most people get in a lifetime. But I guess they were his opportunities to throw away, right?
Guilt has a purpose. To make us do something in the future or stop us from doing something we know is wrong. Guilt serves no purpose if it is about something in the past because we can't undo it. If something has no purpose, what do we do with it? We throw it away.
Let go and let God. Let go or be dragged.
You and I are walking this path together. My adult son has relapsed too. We are having to make some very difficult decisions. It's tough being the Mom of an addict.
Sending you lots and lots of gentle hugs
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Thanks Kindeyes, I'm so sorry your on the same road I am again . This time we are making the right, painful decisions here. Guess thats what makes me feel a little lightheaded. Seems like we're battling a war with the enemy and that enemy is drugs. Praying that soon both of our sons wake up. Just hanging on to "Hope" here. Thanks again.
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i wasted 6 mo of my life having no concversation with my husband other than..what did we do wrong? once i got to alanon, i started working on what i could do NOW..i became at the level of the solution rather than staying at the level of the problem.really work on getting out of the what ifs..they do no good ..you are doing the right things now and that is what matters..we don't know about addiction/codependency and all this stuff until it hits us..when it does we go through lots of stages too, minimizing,denial, terminal uniqueness, etc..until , like we want the addicts to do, we surrender and listen to what healthy people tell us..we are part of ther disease for a looong time and need to be gentle with ourselves..we are recovering too.
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Originally Posted by Dignity 
In my heart I know this isn't my fault but for some reason I have a hard time accepting that.
One day at a time
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Location: ontario, canada
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I remember going to see an addiction counsellor the second year in to my sons addiction. He was pretty straight forward. " kick him out and give him nothing" I was very angry when I left. My son is not like the rest of the addicts, that counsellor knows nothing, I can fix AS.???? Some of us it takes longer to detach. I too have wondered if only we had let him go years ago, would it be any different.What I have learned is we cant change the past, guilt will only destroy us. Recovery is a constant process. Prayers to you and your son.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
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dignity - just want to add my understanding and prayers to all the wonderful support you have already gotten - i also suffer from the shoulda's but trying to dwell on them will sure pull you down - try to think what you would want you son to be thinking if (and when) he is in recovery - you would not want him to dwell on the time wasted in the throes of addiction rather you want him to keep positive thoughts and move on with today and the future which are the only things any of us can impact - prayers are with you -
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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This thread has been so useful to me in thinking about my own situation with my 23 year old son. He is currently in recovery and I'm still grieving the fact that he has an addiction problem. I'm happy he is currently in recovery, but know he will have this illness for the rest of his life. And it just makes me so sad. I try and figure out what we could of/should of done differently. I look at other kids his age and see where they are and want to know why our son isn't there too. Then I look at kids in worse shape than him and am thankful for where his is now. I guess I'm pretty messed up about it. I really like the thought of only dwelling on this for 15 minutes a day. And other alanon principles..... Anyway thanks for the post and Hugs.....
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