9 months and no contact
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
9 months and no contact
For those of you who don’t know my whole story, about 7 years ago I was a hard partying, rock-n-roll girl with a penchant for cocaine. My boyfriend/drug dealer introduced me to crack and all bets were off for me. For 2 years I chased that drug and my “boyfriend” all over hell and back. I am not sure if I was more in love with him or the free crack, but the effects were the same... I lost control of my life. I knew I needed to get off the stuff, but I just couldn’t stop using it. I ended up pregnant. That sobered me up really fast. I ended up staying clean throughout my pregnancy. I started slipping after my son was born, but by divine intervention, my crackhead boyfriend ended up in jail to serve a 7 month sentence when my son was 8 months old and I haven’t used since then.
Even though my addiction to drugs was under control, my addiction to my ex was not. He got out of jail and I let him move back into my house, thinking I could help him get back on his feet and become the father I knew he wanted to be. Yeah right. He started using almost immediately. I’ll never forget the day he told me he was going for pizza and he never came home. My son was about 18 months old at the time and he was heartbroken. “Daddy? Pizza?” Those were the only words he knew at the time.
My ex was arrested a short time later and ended up going to jail for a year. When he got out, I let him live on my couch. I was done being his girlfriend, but I couldn’t stop being his enabler. However I was getting stronger. I had firm boundaries with concrete consequences written down and taped on the fridge. The moment he violated them, I changed the locks and he found somewhere else to live. By this time my son was 3 years old. I still allowed my ex to see his son. He was pretty unreliable but my son adored his daddy. I didn’t think I had the right to come between a child and his father, so they continued to have a very unreliable, unstable, adventure filled relationship. Of course my son adored his father.
The final straw was about 9 months ago. My ex showed up at my house drunk, at 6am in the morning, with a crack pipe in his backpack. He needed a place to stay. I kicked him out of my house and we haven’t seen him since. I changed my phone number shortly after that incident. He knows where we live but he hasn’t attempted any contact. I hear from friends and family that he is still doing the same ol’ same ol’. Crack and meth. Dealing drugs. If nothing changes, nothing changes...
Fast forward to now. My son misses his daddy. I don’t speak badly about his father. I just tell him that his daddy loves him. I love him. His daddy is sick and he’s making unhealthy choices. His sickness means he isn’t acting how a parent is supposed to act. I also tell him I will always take care of him no matter what. Sometimes my son argues with me about it but I just try to be gentle and firm. I reinforce that his father’s choices have nothing to do with him and everything to do with his illness. He is in counseling and he seems to be dealing with it ok.
I have recently started dating again and I have actually met a guy that I like. I can’t believe it. I constantly remind myself not to overanalyze things and to stay in the present. He works. He is responsible. He’s respectful. He calls when he says he’s going to call and he shows up when he says he is going to be there. I constantly remind myself that should be a minimum requirement in a relationship, not something exceptional. We’ve been dating for 3 months now but we are taking it slow. He also has a son the same age as mine. They play together really well so that’s a bonus. We do lots of play dates and family style activities. I will say that it’s hard on my son. But he seems to be adjusting. It’s so obvious to me that he is desperate for a father’s love, but at the same time he is really closed off to other people. He's hurt. I think that’s sad. He’s only 5. I also think that it’s my fault for not intervening sooner and putting up stronger boundaries about the kind of behavior I would allow around my son. If I had never tried to save his father from his addiction things would be different now for my son. Then I remind myself I did the best I could at the time and we all carry baggage from our childhood. My son will learn how to deal with this. I am here to help him.
Stay strong!
Even though my addiction to drugs was under control, my addiction to my ex was not. He got out of jail and I let him move back into my house, thinking I could help him get back on his feet and become the father I knew he wanted to be. Yeah right. He started using almost immediately. I’ll never forget the day he told me he was going for pizza and he never came home. My son was about 18 months old at the time and he was heartbroken. “Daddy? Pizza?” Those were the only words he knew at the time.
My ex was arrested a short time later and ended up going to jail for a year. When he got out, I let him live on my couch. I was done being his girlfriend, but I couldn’t stop being his enabler. However I was getting stronger. I had firm boundaries with concrete consequences written down and taped on the fridge. The moment he violated them, I changed the locks and he found somewhere else to live. By this time my son was 3 years old. I still allowed my ex to see his son. He was pretty unreliable but my son adored his daddy. I didn’t think I had the right to come between a child and his father, so they continued to have a very unreliable, unstable, adventure filled relationship. Of course my son adored his father.
The final straw was about 9 months ago. My ex showed up at my house drunk, at 6am in the morning, with a crack pipe in his backpack. He needed a place to stay. I kicked him out of my house and we haven’t seen him since. I changed my phone number shortly after that incident. He knows where we live but he hasn’t attempted any contact. I hear from friends and family that he is still doing the same ol’ same ol’. Crack and meth. Dealing drugs. If nothing changes, nothing changes...
Fast forward to now. My son misses his daddy. I don’t speak badly about his father. I just tell him that his daddy loves him. I love him. His daddy is sick and he’s making unhealthy choices. His sickness means he isn’t acting how a parent is supposed to act. I also tell him I will always take care of him no matter what. Sometimes my son argues with me about it but I just try to be gentle and firm. I reinforce that his father’s choices have nothing to do with him and everything to do with his illness. He is in counseling and he seems to be dealing with it ok.
I have recently started dating again and I have actually met a guy that I like. I can’t believe it. I constantly remind myself not to overanalyze things and to stay in the present. He works. He is responsible. He’s respectful. He calls when he says he’s going to call and he shows up when he says he is going to be there. I constantly remind myself that should be a minimum requirement in a relationship, not something exceptional. We’ve been dating for 3 months now but we are taking it slow. He also has a son the same age as mine. They play together really well so that’s a bonus. We do lots of play dates and family style activities. I will say that it’s hard on my son. But he seems to be adjusting. It’s so obvious to me that he is desperate for a father’s love, but at the same time he is really closed off to other people. He's hurt. I think that’s sad. He’s only 5. I also think that it’s my fault for not intervening sooner and putting up stronger boundaries about the kind of behavior I would allow around my son. If I had never tried to save his father from his addiction things would be different now for my son. Then I remind myself I did the best I could at the time and we all carry baggage from our childhood. My son will learn how to deal with this. I am here to help him.
Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kitty))) - so glad to see you, and I'm glad things are going well for you. I know your son still misses his dad, but you are doing really well with how you handle it. My niece is in a very angry space, right now, at 17 because her "dad" is filling her head with BS from prison (again). I've apparently become the one she's designated to take the anger out on, but I know that's because I'm "safe"...I'm going to love her, and when she chills out, I'll tell her the truth of what he says.
I'm doing pretty much what you do...set boundaries, stay consistent, though I am currently in "detach" mode, and she doesn't even live her any more. You're giving A the rrom to express his feelings, and methods for working them out, and that's great.
Also glad to hear you are dating again, and taking it slow. I don't know about you, but getting used to someone who's a "normie" takes some adjustment. I'm not dating, but at least I've noticed I'm not drawn to the "bad boys" like I used to be
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I'm doing pretty much what you do...set boundaries, stay consistent, though I am currently in "detach" mode, and she doesn't even live her any more. You're giving A the rrom to express his feelings, and methods for working them out, and that's great.
Also glad to hear you are dating again, and taking it slow. I don't know about you, but getting used to someone who's a "normie" takes some adjustment. I'm not dating, but at least I've noticed I'm not drawn to the "bad boys" like I used to be
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((kitty))
in case no one has told you today - "You are AWESOME"
and I am grateful to know you thru our SR family!!
THANK YOU for sharing you e, s, & h!!
prayers for you & your precious little son!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
in case no one has told you today - "You are AWESOME"
and I am grateful to know you thru our SR family!!
THANK YOU for sharing you e, s, & h!!
prayers for you & your precious little son!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree, you are one awesome mama and person and I am so glad you shared your story here today.
You bring hope, that things can get better. You bring acceptance, that life isn't perfect, our recovery isn't either, but when we do the best we can, things work out well.
I have a feeling your son will be okay. He's been through confusing emotional times, so have you, but he's got a good role model in you to teach him how to accept his past and move forward in his life.
Big hugs to both of you.
You bring hope, that things can get better. You bring acceptance, that life isn't perfect, our recovery isn't either, but when we do the best we can, things work out well.
I have a feeling your son will be okay. He's been through confusing emotional times, so have you, but he's got a good role model in you to teach him how to accept his past and move forward in his life.
Big hugs to both of you.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Kitty, Drugs or no drugs, I think kids struggle a bit when there are problems in the relationship between mom and dad...We don't like to see them hurting, yet sometimes there are life lessons that benefit even the very young.
I have always admired how you have approached handling things involving your ex with your son....You provide age appropriate truths and you are a constant loving presence for your son without letting him walk all over you because you feel bad that he has faced hurts.
I often think of you saying "do the next wise thing" and I believe that you are a shining example of a loving mom who always considers what that next wise thing is. So glad to hear you have found someone special to share time with...I really believe your son will work through his pain and grow to be a stronger more compassionate young man...He has a very wise and loving mom providing a wonderful example.
I have always admired how you have approached handling things involving your ex with your son....You provide age appropriate truths and you are a constant loving presence for your son without letting him walk all over you because you feel bad that he has faced hurts.
I often think of you saying "do the next wise thing" and I believe that you are a shining example of a loving mom who always considers what that next wise thing is. So glad to hear you have found someone special to share time with...I really believe your son will work through his pain and grow to be a stronger more compassionate young man...He has a very wise and loving mom providing a wonderful example.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Hello-Kitty,
thank you so much for sharing your story. You've gone through so much and have become so strong! You are doing exactly what your son needs for you to be doing.
When you've gone through "crazy-town" it's amazing how simple things like calling and being on time seem like a luxury. Good for you for recognizing that's just how it ought to be!
I believe that it is important to share your experience, strength, and hope and you've told us a story that will help so many people!
thank you so much for sharing your story. You've gone through so much and have become so strong! You are doing exactly what your son needs for you to be doing.
When you've gone through "crazy-town" it's amazing how simple things like calling and being on time seem like a luxury. Good for you for recognizing that's just how it ought to be!
I believe that it is important to share your experience, strength, and hope and you've told us a story that will help so many people!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
So good to hear your update Hello-Kitty! You are doing a great job with your son... and I am proud of how far you have come in your journey... as a recovering addict and recovering codie... you have been an inspiration to me as well!
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