MLN

I've been reading enough to realize that it usually doesn't. I guess i just want some hope. I've been with my boyfriend over 3 and a half years. And apart from the normal ups and downs, we've always had a very strong relationship. We have successful careers and have, had, so much hope for the future. We got a little over our heads financially(student loans, expensive rent), but we make plenty and knew we could dig ourselves out. Two months ago it all went down hill. My boyfriend did abuse pain pills a decade before i met him, i guess i didnt understand that thats not something that just goes away. At the time, he got off of it himself, he just decided to stop one day. i guess since he didn't go to rehab, i thought it was less of a problem, it was probably more of one.

Work became increasingly difficult and stressful for him and we began fighting. I guess the stress at home pushed him over the edge (or i believe him when he tells me that i've caused this) Over the past two months he started taking Roxy's. It got to the point that he was draining 500$ a week, at least. Plus whatever other money he could cash advance from our credit cards. (not sure how much that really is, he said 1$ per mg, so thats a scary amount) He decided to stop, and i was so hopeful that this awful two months was going to be behind us and i was going to have my partner back. He's now going through withdrawals. He is so depressed and is telling me he doesn't want to live, he can't function. He told me he lost his job, and i dont think that is the complete truth, but i think he is doing very poorly at work and probably close to being fired. i'm at a complete loss. i've been trying to hold everything together for so long. i just can't. i take care of everything, i pay the bills, i figure out how to make payments when he blows all of our money on those awful pills, i keep the house in order, and i hold a full time, demanding professional job. i am there for him when he blames me for everything that is wrong, i stand by him and try to make him see it wont always be so bad. but i dont know anymore. he must have told me to leave 20X today. like if i just left his life would be all better. of course, two nights ago he's holding onto me for dear life and saying he'll never leave me and to not give up on him. he makes me feel like I"M crazy. i just want the insanity to stop. i want a normal life. i love him so much, and when he's cruel and awful i remember all of the good memories and i put up with it. i know i'm not perfect, but i am trying to not cause him any more stress. i want the man i love back, and i'm watching him slip away. does it get better? is this just the withdrawal from the opiates? he blames me for everything, says i cause stress because i attack him. calls me selfish. my whole life revolves around taking care of him, and trying to figure out how to be better so that he can be happy. how stupid is that? and all he tells me is that i'm selfish, and he wishes i'd leave. i know he doesn't really think that, but its killing me.

thank you for letting me vent, just knowing that other people have going through this makes me feel less alone. Is there any hope? its one thing to have someone you love leave for someone else, or because the relationship failed, but i feel like i just lost everything to a pill. (i work at a huge pharma company, oh the irony...)

steve1840

i felt the same way about rather having lost my gf to another person than to addiction. at least losing to another person you know where you stand.

there are no answers and no one can predict the outcome.

anyone here can tell you i had the hardest time accepting things as they are and i knew my situation would pan out differntly than theirs. man was i waaay off. i look backand read my old posts and the replies totally mapped out the outcome.

i did everything for this girl and whe ni wouldnt wantto do one littel thing, like take ride to get her dope at 2am it was my fault she wouldnt make it to rehab. she too blames everyone else for her addiction. it took me a long time to believe that she was not the person i once loved and that she loves drugs not me.

no one can tell you what to do or think, but i know everyone wouod agree that the longer you stay involved the bumpier the ride you will be on and it wont end until you get off it.

others will probably be able to say things better than i can right now since i only just got it and am still gettting my life back. good luck to you and him.

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR family,

Hate so much that you have been affected by the family disease of addiction - it is very devasting -

This is a wonderful forum to share your pain, read suggestions, vent and bounce off ideas of what you feel may be the healthy things for you to do.

For me, when in a situation similiar to yours - I started attending Al-Anon (yes you can go to those meetings even if you aren't dealing with an alcoholic - if your loved one is an addict); reading recovery literature, spending time with the God of my understanding, posting here on SR, and learning about addiction.

This helped me discovery what I needed to do to return my life to a healthy, safe and serene place!

Please remember the THREE C's:

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't Cure it

But you can learn to do what is HEALTHY for you - that my friend is the healthiest gift for you and for your BF!!

Keep coming back - don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - YOU Deserve it!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Babyblue

The man you love won't be back for a while, and only if he commits to recovery. The thing about loving someone who has a history of addiction is you do not know the history and they will only tell you a fraction of what they went through (or put others through). I'd wager that somewhere out there is another person who was right were you are when he was addicted previously.

Addiction is much bigger than you or I or the love we have. That is why fretting over what you do or don't do is a waste of energy, energy you can spend on your own life and sanity.

Without recovery there is no healthy future. Period. There isn't partial recovery, sometimes recovery or temporary; nothing you do or say will lead them there.

The truth is, the person you thought he was, never was because he never comitted to a successful recovery program. You are mourning the fantasy. And reality is becoming more painful.


But as for your question, it gets better only if YOU get better and let go of trying to manage or figure out his addiction issues.

MLN

Thank you for the responses. I know everyone is right. In my head i know i didn't cause this but to hear him blame me over and over, i guess i start to believe it. I have been in therapy myself to deal with all of this, and i do think i will attend an al-anon meeting. i seem to be the one reaching out for all the help, i guess i keep trying to fix him. but maybe learning to focus on myself instead would be a start.

i guess it is the fantasy of who i thought i was in love with that i miss. obviously this person was there all along too. and from what he has told me of his past, there does seem to be a lot of destruction along the way, i dont know why i thought i was different. he has no family (very abusive, awful childhood) so i really only know what he tells me.

I'm going to try to not worry so much about what he's doing. i know i can't control or fix his life. its so very hard to watch someone spiral out of control and not be able to comfort them. It is so helpful to read these boards, it can feel so alone when you live with an addict. thank you.

Lunaaa

They always blame it on someone else. my exab blames everyone for his addiction but himself,he blames it on his parents.he blames it on me when i argue with him alot( we argue because he is using so it doesnt make any sense) aside than the addiction,he blames everything else on me,like when he cheats he says you are the reason i was with another woman,its because u're neglecting me!!!!! i went so far to please,take care and love him , never neglected him. i used to fall down apart blaming myself for everything,beleiving him i was the one to blame,but now i know better,i didnt cause it,i cant cure it,i cant control it. dont blame urself. you might be in love with him now but as time goes by ur feelings will change,u might still love him,you might still need the relationship but you will not want it,you will not want all the pain that comes with it. take care of you.

sunshine321

Does it ever get better? For whom? For you or for him? Bottom line is this. There are no guarantees for anyone else but yourself. For the addict/alcoholic, it's up to them. We are all only responsible for ourselves. Somehow through this disease of addiction and co-dependency, the lines get blurred. For me, I couldn't see where the line began and ended until I gathered experience, strength and hope from other people in my program (Al-Anon). I was in over a year before my addict/alcoholic hit his bottom. Did he get into recover because I was in a program? I don't know, I'll never know. What I do know is it helped me be able to live with an active addict and learn to keep my dignity and my sanity a little better. I am no longer with the sober addict/alcoholic. He is my daughter's father. To the best of my knowledge, he is still in recovery as am I. I know that I learned to take care of me and that was all that mattered. He needed to do him. I wasn't happy being with him even when he was in early sobriety and working a program. That doesn't mean it will be the same way for others. I am happy now. I live my life on my terms. No threats, no verbal/mental abuse, no second guessing myself, no one telling me I'm selfish or immoral daily. What I learned is that all the things the addict blames us for, all the names and put downs are them looking in the mirror. It's how they really feel about themselves. They try to bring us down to make them feel better about themselves. It's because they don't really feel they deserve anyone to care about them because of the guilt and shame they carry. You can try to turn yourself inside out to please them, to try to anticipate their every need and want and it will never be enough. Because nothing is ever enough for an active addict. There is no end. And all it does to us on the receiving end is empty us of all our good and fill us back up with resentment, sadness, rage and guilt. It doesn't have to be that way. Take care of you. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and the addict you love.

Jen

git_er_done64

Thanks for sharing your MLN: Back when i was using I'd blame others for what ever i could because it was easier for me to blame them instead of taking the responsibility of blaming myself, I hated myself so much i didn't want to live everything was getting difficult because I made that way see I never went to rehab and my experience is a little different then what your talking about but addiction is addiction no matter what it is they are using My was Crystal meth and I am an alcoholic,addict, Junkie most of all out of these three their is one more I didn't mention I am a recoverying addict/alcoholic/junkie with 2 yrs clean and sober for me just the thought of a needle gave me chills and sweats because I loved it so much it was something in my life I didn't want to part with just the rush of it all anyway now for me I do the best i can to live in the solution and in the here and now even though it gets difficult thats why I go to meetings to listen to other share their experience strength and hope I was giving the tools to get the jub done but if i leave them tools in the shed long enough nothing will ever get done so i carry my tools with me every where I go so if i'm at a doctors appointment I can open my tool box and take out my NA book and read or what ever recovery book i want to read their at my disposial ( I guess I got off track a little ) for me I now take the blame I'm honest I'm appologetic I make my amends to them I've hurt and i try to keep it simple one day at a time while doing the best i can living in the here and now


take care
Peace out

MLN

I posted this several months ago, and i thought i'd update. A few weeks ago, he came to me and said he wanted to get help and stop using the pills to function. He took a long weekend to go through withdraws and started going to NA, i started going to Nar Anon. I was so proud of him for wanting to get better. He goes a few days without opiates, but then the depression gets him. He's still taking pills, much more then i think he admits. The lies get me the most. We're supposed to be getting married in a month, i know what everyone will say, and yes, i know i'm supposed to postpone getting married. It's hard to really think about that. He says its the depression, a lot of it from getting into debt and not having a family yet (usually this is completley blamed on me, but lately he's trying to be more fair and not hold me accountable for everything). I guess its hard because i see he truelly does want to stop, and this is huge progress...guess it's not enough though. how do you all continue to function as you go through all this? i find not crying at work a challenge. i hate pills

Chino

Earlier this year you said, "i guess it is the fantasy of who i thought i was in love with that i miss."

If you decide to marry, please be aware it's to a fantasy

MLN

Thanks Chino, i know you're right. Everytime he tells me how much he wants to get better, how he wants to make things right...i guess i still believe him. I know if a friend was going through this, i'd tell her to run.

hwsm

Thank you so much for this post. I can't tell you how many times my XABF said things like "I guess I deserve to be alone".

dollydo

Sounds like you have decided to go ahead with the wedding, that of coarse is your choice.

I would continue to go to meetings, and, I would not combine any money, or, buy a home in both of your names.

Do the best that you can do to protect yourself, and, fasten your seat belt, this may be one heck of a ride!

Freedom1990

You might want to ask yourself why you value yourself less than a friend.

Life's too short to live with active addiction.

lightseeker

I'm sorry that you are struggling with all of this. It sounds like you've decided to go ahead with your wedding. Going to Naranon will definitely help you deal with whatever comes in the future. You are right.....addiction doesn't go away just because someone is sober.

I'm probably your worst nightmare to have respond right now. I have left my husband (sober drug addict with 6 years of sobriety). Unfortunately, he stopped the drugs but never addressed the addict mentality.

I have had to assume a HUGE financial burden due to the fact that we were married. Oh how I wish that I had had a pre nup if I was going to insist on marrying him. Love has been destroyed but the nasty burden of debt has taken it's place. Not only am I mourning the loss of my relationship but also carrying the huge burden of financial problems - thanks to him.

Just be cautious and know that his debts become yours....even when you have things in separate names......

Hang in there.....

ThatLittleGirl

Your post is a difficult one for me...mostly because it hits close to home. Four months before our wedding, I moved out on my then fiance'. I didn't yet know about his addiction (which ironically was to opiates), but I did know about his depression and roller coaster emotional issues. I was tired and second-guessing myself and us. If I look back now, I recognize how very unhappy I was, that's why I left him to move back in with my parents a few months before we married. After I left, he got another job, worked on his moods, but if I were honest with myself the flags were still there. I married him still four months later. Why? I don't think I had the guts to back out. I thought he "needed" me, and I (in my infinite ego) thought I could work through the problems and things would get better. We too had very good careers, and we made an excellent living. We were building a new house and were supposed to be starting the next chapter of a great life. Boy was I ever wrong.

Eight and half tumultuous years and two kids later, we were divorced. And I will tell you they were the most emotionally draining years of my life. If I could go back, I would NOT have married my exah. Do I love my daughters? Yes, with all my heart. But I can tell you that its a difficult legacy to leave them...a dad who is on and off drugs. Who sporadically sees them. Who is unreliable. Who may or may not be alive in ten years. Does he love them? I think so, as much as an active addict can. But I will not hold any punches when I tell you that I would wish for them a dad who can be active in their life. A dad who doesn't fall off the radar for weeks at a time. A dad who can emotionally attach in a way that's meaningful to their day-in and day-out needs. My exah cannot do that. And I made that choice for them when I chose to get pregnant with a man who I knew was an active addict. It's a decision I live with to this day.

And I spent eight and a half years (by my choice, of course) waiting, watching and wondering about my exah's drug use. I was obsessed with it. I was a prisoner, absolutely addicted to my drug addict. I wanted absolution that he would get clean and I would be the person who would see him through it. I was so miserable. I wasted eight and a half beautiful years of my life waiting for something that was never going to happen. By my choice.

If you'd tell a friend to run, why would you expect less for yourself. Why wouldn't you tell yourself to run? It's a difficult question to answer, I know, but a very pertinent one to ask yourself. Are you wanting to have children with him someday? Believe me, children only add to the pressure ten-fold. I want to tell you to run...far and fast. But it's not my place. I can only give you my experience and hope that there's something in it that helps you in some way. You deserve nothing but happiness. Think about what that means for you and don't accept anything less!!!!

I wish you the best!

lightseeker

ThatLittleGirl,

Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and clearly. You put it all so well. I know that nothing was going to stop me from being with my husband. He definitely was my drug. I know of no other way to explain my insanity in building a relationship with him.

HLN, no matter what you chose please know that you are not alone. Support is available for you as you go through this. Whether you marry him or not, whether he gets sober or not. No one is judging you. Geezz....I certainly made a ton of decisions that resulted in a great deal of unhappiness. And every one warned me off. The wonderful thing about recovery is that it is available for anyone that wants it.

hello-kitty

Honey. I'm sorry. How's the counseling going? I think, for me, the key to ingsome peace in my interpersonal relationships was to figure out why I entangled myself with people who were incapable of loving me in a healthy way. I was as sick as the addicts I dated.

I learned that I needed to set and enforce boundaries for myself. If I didn't treat myself with respect, there was no reason for anyone else to treat me with respect.

You have no control over his choices. But you do have control over yours.

smacked

Totally your choice if you want to live with, enable, love, and become legally bound to an active drug addict. I certainly hope you're not planning on subjecting any children to the hell that is being raised in an addict/enabler household.

sonic

It's hard for me to even respond because I feel this is a "cart before the horse" type of issue. I mean, I'm all for giving second or even third chances, but to marry somebody and THEN hope that things change? Ouch. It seems to me that this is a text-book definition of co-dependance on your part and the wrong way of going about things. Try and see things from a rational perspective. Like you said, if you knew a friend was choosing the same things you are choosing, you'd probably thump her upside the head. Listen to your brain, I'm guessing your heart has become co-dependent and, like an addict, the things you hear from your heart are not coming from a healthy place. Listen to the voice in the back of your head... you know what I'm talking about, you know that it's back there screaming out at you, hoping you will listen.

Put yourself first, do the right thing for yourself and work on getting things right BEFORE the marriage, not after. Sorry if I sound harsh, I just don't like seeing people walking into situations that will cause them hurt when it could be prevented.