Mother of an alcoholic / drug addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11
Mother of an alcoholic / drug addict
Hi,
I found this forum searching for inspirational stories to send to my son in prison. He is finishing up a 3 1/2 year sentence for felony DUI/drug charges. He has 8 months & 6 days left. When he gets out he will face 3 1/2 more years of probation with the first 6 months intense.
This is his 5th time in prison and he is 32 years old. Every time he's went to prison it's been for alcohol until this time which included drug charges. He has used alcohol and drugs since a teenager. His drug of choice is meth.
Since being incarcerated this time he has 1. admitted he is an alcoholic / drug addict, 2. become involved in both AA & NA, 3. maintained sobriety (both physically & mentally, 4. has even quit smoking., 5. found out he has Hep C., 6. fallen in love with his daughter whom we've had since she was 4 months old and she is now 4 years old.
We have seen a big change in him this time. Yes, we've seen the whole prison redemption change before but he's different this time. He seems more at peace, humble, sober and unselfish.
We will allow him to come home to live for one last time. If he remains sober, works consistently, pulls his weight (financially, physically) and lives his life under the authority of the law then he may stay for as long as he needs to get his life together. However if he slips on any of those conditions he will have to leave. And once he leaves he will not be allowed to come back again.
Of course now that we are under a year before he comes home I am starting to get nervous. I worry about him having a relapse. He's asked up to come up with a plan for intervention in case he does relapse. Is that a sign he expects it, a sign of lack of faith or a smart move on his part showing that although he may relapse he does desire to remain in recovery? I don't know.
I am not nor have I ever had an addictive personality so I don't understand all of this.
He said in his last letter that "I am very grateful for the way things are lining up for me for a good opportunity for my release so far. I have a nice home to go to with my family and my daughter, a job, a ride to work, knowlege of my addiction and a very good perspective on life."
I feel that for the next 8 months I need some guidance, support, encouragement and truthfulness about addiction. Please don't suggest Al-anon meetings for me. I live in a very, very small town and the only meeting available did not work out. In some cases the anonymity of the internet is truly better.
Forgive my long introduction. I posted this in the Introduction forum and they suggested I come over to this one to find more support. So here I am and I look forward to learning and growing here.
Triplejs
I found this forum searching for inspirational stories to send to my son in prison. He is finishing up a 3 1/2 year sentence for felony DUI/drug charges. He has 8 months & 6 days left. When he gets out he will face 3 1/2 more years of probation with the first 6 months intense.
This is his 5th time in prison and he is 32 years old. Every time he's went to prison it's been for alcohol until this time which included drug charges. He has used alcohol and drugs since a teenager. His drug of choice is meth.
Since being incarcerated this time he has 1. admitted he is an alcoholic / drug addict, 2. become involved in both AA & NA, 3. maintained sobriety (both physically & mentally, 4. has even quit smoking., 5. found out he has Hep C., 6. fallen in love with his daughter whom we've had since she was 4 months old and she is now 4 years old.
We have seen a big change in him this time. Yes, we've seen the whole prison redemption change before but he's different this time. He seems more at peace, humble, sober and unselfish.
We will allow him to come home to live for one last time. If he remains sober, works consistently, pulls his weight (financially, physically) and lives his life under the authority of the law then he may stay for as long as he needs to get his life together. However if he slips on any of those conditions he will have to leave. And once he leaves he will not be allowed to come back again.
Of course now that we are under a year before he comes home I am starting to get nervous. I worry about him having a relapse. He's asked up to come up with a plan for intervention in case he does relapse. Is that a sign he expects it, a sign of lack of faith or a smart move on his part showing that although he may relapse he does desire to remain in recovery? I don't know.
I am not nor have I ever had an addictive personality so I don't understand all of this.
He said in his last letter that "I am very grateful for the way things are lining up for me for a good opportunity for my release so far. I have a nice home to go to with my family and my daughter, a job, a ride to work, knowlege of my addiction and a very good perspective on life."
I feel that for the next 8 months I need some guidance, support, encouragement and truthfulness about addiction. Please don't suggest Al-anon meetings for me. I live in a very, very small town and the only meeting available did not work out. In some cases the anonymity of the internet is truly better.
Forgive my long introduction. I posted this in the Introduction forum and they suggested I come over to this one to find more support. So here I am and I look forward to learning and growing here.
Triplejs
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery!! I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons you had to.
As to your son ............................. when he gets out ........................ and coming to live with you.
I would like to suggest that you or rather he if he has any computer time at all, look into Sober Living Facilities (Homes) that he could go to instead. That way he will be in an environment with other sober men and a 'plan for living sober' will start to emerge.
Most houses are set up with RULES, CURFEWS, PRIVILEGES that are earned etc. They work as a team with CHORES to keep the house clean and functioning, they get to clean, do laundry, cook, mow lawns or shovel snow, etc and they have a set number of meetings a week they MUST attend.
I know you love your son, but I must tell you, with all those I have worked with over the years (I have 29 1/2+ years continuous recovery sober and clean) that those who go to Sober Living facilities do have an edge up on those that move 'back home' with family. The Sober Living facilities are 'geared' for those coming back into society sober and helps them to learn how to function, continue working on themselves and become a productive member of society.
I will also state here that I have been in AlAnon for 26 1/2+ years and without my AlAnon training over the years I would not be where I am today! It has helped me so much in interacting with others (not just alkies/addicts) and has changed my whole perspective on living life.
I would also ask if you have tried AlAnon? If not please check out at least 6 different meetings before making up your mind. Also, you might want to pick up a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Read it and 'highlight' what jumps out at you and then go back and maybe right about why those passages jumped out at you.
Having a member of the family return to the home, be it husband, wife, significant other, child, sibling, etc can be extremely hard on the family.
It does sound like you have some great boundaries set up for him, however, please think about a Sober Living facility as an alternative. It will go a long way toward keeping some peace and serenity in your home and still allow him to have lots of 'visits' with his lovely daughter.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
As to your son ............................. when he gets out ........................ and coming to live with you.
I would like to suggest that you or rather he if he has any computer time at all, look into Sober Living Facilities (Homes) that he could go to instead. That way he will be in an environment with other sober men and a 'plan for living sober' will start to emerge.
Most houses are set up with RULES, CURFEWS, PRIVILEGES that are earned etc. They work as a team with CHORES to keep the house clean and functioning, they get to clean, do laundry, cook, mow lawns or shovel snow, etc and they have a set number of meetings a week they MUST attend.
I know you love your son, but I must tell you, with all those I have worked with over the years (I have 29 1/2+ years continuous recovery sober and clean) that those who go to Sober Living facilities do have an edge up on those that move 'back home' with family. The Sober Living facilities are 'geared' for those coming back into society sober and helps them to learn how to function, continue working on themselves and become a productive member of society.
I will also state here that I have been in AlAnon for 26 1/2+ years and without my AlAnon training over the years I would not be where I am today! It has helped me so much in interacting with others (not just alkies/addicts) and has changed my whole perspective on living life.
I would also ask if you have tried AlAnon? If not please check out at least 6 different meetings before making up your mind. Also, you might want to pick up a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Read it and 'highlight' what jumps out at you and then go back and maybe right about why those passages jumped out at you.
Having a member of the family return to the home, be it husband, wife, significant other, child, sibling, etc can be extremely hard on the family.
It does sound like you have some great boundaries set up for him, however, please think about a Sober Living facility as an alternative. It will go a long way toward keeping some peace and serenity in your home and still allow him to have lots of 'visits' with his lovely daughter.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Dallas area, TX
Posts: 11
Al-anon was not for me either. I am also in a small town and I probably knew 1/2 of the people there. The dynamic was slightly negative and I attended several times before I decided to try something else. I'm sure the dynamic of every group is different. This group was not for me.
I am going to Families Anonymous and love it. They also follow the 12 steps. It is a whole different group of people and attitudes.
I am going to Families Anonymous and love it. They also follow the 12 steps. It is a whole different group of people and attitudes.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
hi triple,
My oldest son was just released from prison in August, this was his 4th time in prison, for actually the same things over, and over...drug use, drug possession with intent to sell.....on and on...
Anyway, my son, PLANNED on coming home to stay, he is 37, we thought about it, and at first thought it would be a good idea, a fresh start, not around old friends....on and on....
Well, we thought about it, and decided it would just not work out too well for us. I dislike having that front row seat to drama, and maybe not your son, but mine, is FULL of drama...
So, we decided we would fund a Sober house for him for 2 months, then he was on his own, and he did get a good job, and he did move in with a sober good guy. But my son has so many issues, caused, or not caused by addiction. So, I'm glad for the decision we made.
It's your choice, but I would perhaps give it more thought, if only for the fact his daughter is there.
You have a while to make a decision, and if his coming home DOESN'T feel right, then you are free to change your mind. I did.
Hugs from one mom to another.............
My oldest son was just released from prison in August, this was his 4th time in prison, for actually the same things over, and over...drug use, drug possession with intent to sell.....on and on...
Anyway, my son, PLANNED on coming home to stay, he is 37, we thought about it, and at first thought it would be a good idea, a fresh start, not around old friends....on and on....
Well, we thought about it, and decided it would just not work out too well for us. I dislike having that front row seat to drama, and maybe not your son, but mine, is FULL of drama...
So, we decided we would fund a Sober house for him for 2 months, then he was on his own, and he did get a good job, and he did move in with a sober good guy. But my son has so many issues, caused, or not caused by addiction. So, I'm glad for the decision we made.
It's your choice, but I would perhaps give it more thought, if only for the fact his daughter is there.
You have a while to make a decision, and if his coming home DOESN'T feel right, then you are free to change your mind. I did.
Hugs from one mom to another.............
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
welcome - you have found a wonderful place here for support, encouragement, and advice - i also have a son in prison - he is just starting his time and i am already thinking what i am going to do when it comes time for him to get out - i've talked to him several times already about a sober-living environment and he wasn't resistant to it - he really wants to come home to be with his dog! but of course there are things that are far more important and i am going to continue to talk to him about making a really wise decision here because a few more months in a supportive environment could do nothing but help it seems to me - then if there is still a need and things are going well maybe home could be a possibility for a while at least - it is certainly a difficult place to be in -
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome from another mama here.
Take a read around, make yourself comfortable, and know you are among friends here who truly understand you pain.
And take hope from all of us, it doesn't have to be "awful" if we learn to take care of ourselves.
Hugs
Take a read around, make yourself comfortable, and know you are among friends here who truly understand you pain.
And take hope from all of us, it doesn't have to be "awful" if we learn to take care of ourselves.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. I'm sure what you are experiencing is normal anxiety. His release date is 8 months away so I imagine, much will be revealed before he actually gets out of prison. Staying in the present and focusing on what you need to do to protect your granddaughter from being hurt by an addict in active addiction will help you get through this time period. Don't worry about what's going to happen when he gets out because, unfortunately you have no control over his choices. Learn all you can about setting firm boundaries for the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your household. And most importantly, commit to enforcing them.
It's so easy to talk the talk about staying clean and sober when you are in a regulated, monitored environment like prison. It's not so easy to walk the walk when you are on the outside. That's why sober houses are such a highly recommended transition. But either way, your son will do what he is going to do and you have no control over that. Nothing you do is going to prevent him from relapsing. on the flipside, nothing you do is going to cause him to relapse either.
What you can do is keep on being a fabulous grandma raising a beautiful 4 year old. The little girl has had no choice in what she's been through. I'm glad you are there for her.
One thing you can do is work the recovery you hope your son will work when he gets out. You can be a shining example to him of what he should be doing... unfortunately that might mean going to meetings in a small town where everybody knows you. sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to do things that make us uncomfortable.
In the meantime though you may want to check out Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beatty. You may find some useful tidbits in there. You could also talk to an addiction/codependency family counselor. They may be able to provide you with some good advice.
And definitely read and learn all you can from this website. There is a wealth of information here.
It's so easy to talk the talk about staying clean and sober when you are in a regulated, monitored environment like prison. It's not so easy to walk the walk when you are on the outside. That's why sober houses are such a highly recommended transition. But either way, your son will do what he is going to do and you have no control over that. Nothing you do is going to prevent him from relapsing. on the flipside, nothing you do is going to cause him to relapse either.
What you can do is keep on being a fabulous grandma raising a beautiful 4 year old. The little girl has had no choice in what she's been through. I'm glad you are there for her.
One thing you can do is work the recovery you hope your son will work when he gets out. You can be a shining example to him of what he should be doing... unfortunately that might mean going to meetings in a small town where everybody knows you. sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to do things that make us uncomfortable.
In the meantime though you may want to check out Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beatty. You may find some useful tidbits in there. You could also talk to an addiction/codependency family counselor. They may be able to provide you with some good advice.
And definitely read and learn all you can from this website. There is a wealth of information here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
PS. My boundary as far as relapse/intervention goes would be:
No one under the influence of drugs will be allowed in my home or around my grand daughter. If I suspect anyone to be under the influence of drugs, I will call the police immediately and let them handle it.
The responsibility for HIS sobriety is his alone. And you have already state that relapse is NOT an option at your house. Therefore, intervention will not be necessary, right? I mean, you did say he is a changed man....
No one under the influence of drugs will be allowed in my home or around my grand daughter. If I suspect anyone to be under the influence of drugs, I will call the police immediately and let them handle it.
The responsibility for HIS sobriety is his alone. And you have already state that relapse is NOT an option at your house. Therefore, intervention will not be necessary, right? I mean, you did say he is a changed man....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by triplejs;.
[B
[B
We will allow him to come home to live for one last time. If he remains sober, works consistently, pulls his weight (financially, physically) and lives his life under the authority of the law then he may stay for as long as he needs to get his life together. However if he slips on any of those conditions he will have to leave. And once he leaves he will not be allowed to come back again.[/B]This sounds like a tremendeous burden. Remember you are not his only option.[/COLOR]Of course now that we are under a year before he comes home I am starting to get nervous. I worry about him having a relapse. He's asked up to come up with a plan for intervention in case he does relapse. Is that a sign he expects it, a sign of lack of faith or a smart move on his part showing that although he may relapse he does desire to remain in recovery? I don't know. Triplejs
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Given his age and prison cycle, have you considered giving him the gift of dignity to take responsibility for himself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....there are many mothers here who understand your anxiety, your hopes, your frustrations, and your fears.
I allowed my son to come back in to my home after his fourth go at treatment (two out patient, two in patient). I will be really honest with you......I wouldn't recommend doing what we did to anyone unless they are very well grounded in their own recovery program. And even then.....it is truly very difficult.
One of the biggest threats to an addict's recovery is their codependent. And for the codependent in recovery, the biggest threat to their serenity is the addict whom they love.
Knowing this, we still allowed our son to move back in with us to get his life together. For the most part, things have gone pretty well. But I know he had a brief relapse and it was really hard for me not to fall right back into the knee jerk reactions of a codependent. It has challenged me to work my program harder and control that which I can.....me.
You are not walking this path alone. There are many of us here who walk with you. I hope you stick around. The burden is less when shared.
gentle hugs
I allowed my son to come back in to my home after his fourth go at treatment (two out patient, two in patient). I will be really honest with you......I wouldn't recommend doing what we did to anyone unless they are very well grounded in their own recovery program. And even then.....it is truly very difficult.
One of the biggest threats to an addict's recovery is their codependent. And for the codependent in recovery, the biggest threat to their serenity is the addict whom they love.
Knowing this, we still allowed our son to move back in with us to get his life together. For the most part, things have gone pretty well. But I know he had a brief relapse and it was really hard for me not to fall right back into the knee jerk reactions of a codependent. It has challenged me to work my program harder and control that which I can.....me.
You are not walking this path alone. There are many of us here who walk with you. I hope you stick around. The burden is less when shared.
gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
Welcome to Sober Recovery!! I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reasons you had to.
As to your son ............................. when he gets out ........................ and coming to live with you.
I would like to suggest that you or rather he if he has any computer time at all, look into Sober Living Facilities (Homes) that he could go to instead. That way he will be in an environment with other sober men and a 'plan for living sober' will start to emerge.
Most houses are set up with RULES, CURFEWS, PRIVILEGES that are earned etc. They work as a team with CHORES to keep the house clean and functioning, they get to clean, do laundry, cook, mow lawns or shovel snow, etc and they have a set number of meetings a week they MUST attend.
I know you love your son, but I must tell you, with all those I have worked with over the years (I have 29 1/2+ years continuous recovery sober and clean) that those who go to Sober Living facilities do have an edge up on those that move 'back home' with family. The Sober Living facilities are 'geared' for those coming back into society sober and helps them to learn how to function, continue working on themselves and become a productive member of society.
I will also state here that I have been in AlAnon for 26 1/2+ years and without my AlAnon training over the years I would not be where I am today! It has helped me so much in interacting with others (not just alkies/addicts) and has changed my whole perspective on living life.
I would also ask if you have tried AlAnon? If not please check out at least 6 different meetings before making up your mind. Also, you might want to pick up a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Read it and 'highlight' what jumps out at you and then go back and maybe right about why those passages jumped out at you.
Having a member of the family return to the home, be it husband, wife, significant other, child, sibling, etc can be extremely hard on the family.
It does sound like you have some great boundaries set up for him, however, please think about a Sober Living facility as an alternative. It will go a long way toward keeping some peace and serenity in your home and still allow him to have lots of 'visits' with his lovely daughter.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
As to your son ............................. when he gets out ........................ and coming to live with you.
I would like to suggest that you or rather he if he has any computer time at all, look into Sober Living Facilities (Homes) that he could go to instead. That way he will be in an environment with other sober men and a 'plan for living sober' will start to emerge.
Most houses are set up with RULES, CURFEWS, PRIVILEGES that are earned etc. They work as a team with CHORES to keep the house clean and functioning, they get to clean, do laundry, cook, mow lawns or shovel snow, etc and they have a set number of meetings a week they MUST attend.
I know you love your son, but I must tell you, with all those I have worked with over the years (I have 29 1/2+ years continuous recovery sober and clean) that those who go to Sober Living facilities do have an edge up on those that move 'back home' with family. The Sober Living facilities are 'geared' for those coming back into society sober and helps them to learn how to function, continue working on themselves and become a productive member of society.
I will also state here that I have been in AlAnon for 26 1/2+ years and without my AlAnon training over the years I would not be where I am today! It has helped me so much in interacting with others (not just alkies/addicts) and has changed my whole perspective on living life.
I would also ask if you have tried AlAnon? If not please check out at least 6 different meetings before making up your mind. Also, you might want to pick up a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Read it and 'highlight' what jumps out at you and then go back and maybe right about why those passages jumped out at you.
Having a member of the family return to the home, be it husband, wife, significant other, child, sibling, etc can be extremely hard on the family.
It does sound like you have some great boundaries set up for him, however, please think about a Sober Living facility as an alternative. It will go a long way toward keeping some peace and serenity in your home and still allow him to have lots of 'visits' with his lovely daughter.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
I will consider and talk to my son about a SLF. To be honest, I'm not sure what I want to do. I love and miss my son so much and would love to be around him IF he stays sober. And we have no problem putting him out of our house if he's lapses in his recovery. We have done it before and can/will do it again.
I appreciate your post so much!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by givemetennis
Al-anon was not for me either. I am also in a small town and I probably knew 1/2 of the people there. The dynamic was slightly negative and I attended several times before I decided to try something else. I'm sure the dynamic of every group is different. This group was not for me.
I am going to Families Anonymous and love it. They also follow the 12 steps. It is a whole different group of people and attitudes.
I am going to Families Anonymous and love it. They also follow the 12 steps. It is a whole different group of people and attitudes.
I may look for a local church that has the Celebrate Recovery program in it. I might enjoy that. I would LOVE to have other people to talk to but I'm a positive type person and can't handle depressive, negative people.
Thanks for your post!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by mooselips
hi triple,
My oldest son was just released from prison in August, this was his 4th time in prison, for actually the same things over, and over...drug use, drug possession with intent to sell.....on and on...
Anyway, my son, PLANNED on coming home to stay, he is 37, we thought about it, and at first thought it would be a good idea, a fresh start, not around old friends....on and on....
Well, we thought about it, and decided it would just not work out too well for us. I dislike having that front row seat to drama, and maybe not your son, but mine, is FULL of drama...
So, we decided we would fund a Sober house for him for 2 months, then he was on his own, and he did get a good job, and he did move in with a sober good guy. But my son has so many issues, caused, or not caused by addiction. So, I'm glad for the decision we made.
It's your choice, but I would perhaps give it more thought, if only for the fact his daughter is there.
You have a while to make a decision, and if his coming home DOESN'T feel right, then you are free to change your mind. I did.
Hugs from one mom to another.............
My oldest son was just released from prison in August, this was his 4th time in prison, for actually the same things over, and over...drug use, drug possession with intent to sell.....on and on...
Anyway, my son, PLANNED on coming home to stay, he is 37, we thought about it, and at first thought it would be a good idea, a fresh start, not around old friends....on and on....
Well, we thought about it, and decided it would just not work out too well for us. I dislike having that front row seat to drama, and maybe not your son, but mine, is FULL of drama...
So, we decided we would fund a Sober house for him for 2 months, then he was on his own, and he did get a good job, and he did move in with a sober good guy. But my son has so many issues, caused, or not caused by addiction. So, I'm glad for the decision we made.
It's your choice, but I would perhaps give it more thought, if only for the fact his daughter is there.
You have a while to make a decision, and if his coming home DOESN'T feel right, then you are free to change your mind. I did.
Hugs from one mom to another.............
My granddaughter will not be exposed to any type of drama or problems with drug / alcohol use. I will nip it quickly in the bud! We have put our son out several times for drug use and we will do it again in a heartbeat. This child and her needs come first before any other adult in the house.
I liked how you said "if his coming home DOESN'T feel right". I have learned to trust my gut instinct and I will definitely follow that feeling. Thank you.
I needed that hug and appreciate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by litehorse
welcome - you have found a wonderful place here for support, encouragement, and advice - i also have a son in prison - he is just starting his time and i am already thinking what i am going to do when it comes time for him to get out - i've talked to him several times already about a sober-living environment and he wasn't resistant to it - he really wants to come home to be with his dog! but of course there are things that are far more important and i am going to continue to talk to him about making a really wise decision here because a few more months in a supportive environment could do nothing but help it seems to me - then if there is still a need and things are going well maybe home could be a possibility for a while at least - it is certainly a difficult place to be in -
We have moved beyond doing the "help" thing. Both of our children are over 30 years old and the time for them to be supporting themselves is past due.
I believe I will invest in the book that was mentioned to me a couple of times here. And I have 8 months to share some of it with my son too so he will understand where I'm coming from.
it is nice to meet other Mom's...especially those who understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Ann
Welcome from another mama here.
Take a read around, make yourself comfortable, and know you are among friends here who truly understand you pain.
And take hope from all of us, it doesn't have to be "awful" if we learn to take care of ourselves.
Hugs
Take a read around, make yourself comfortable, and know you are among friends here who truly understand you pain.
And take hope from all of us, it doesn't have to be "awful" if we learn to take care of ourselves.
Hugs
And I am looking forward to the encouragement and support...especially from the Mom's.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Hi. I'm sure what you are experiencing is normal anxiety. His release date is 8 months away so I imagine, much will be revealed before he actually gets out of prison. Staying in the present and focusing on what you need to do to protect your granddaughter from being hurt by an addict in active addiction will help you get through this time period. Don't worry about what's going to happen when he gets out because, unfortunately you have no control over his choices.
You are so right. And I have told myself for years that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. It has to be all his choice. Learn all you can about setting firm boundaries for the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your household. And most importantly, commit to enforcing them.
It's so easy to talk the talk about staying clean and sober when you are in a regulated, monitored environment like prison. It's not so easy to walk the walk when you are on the outside. That's why sober houses are such a highly recommended transition. But either way, your son will do what he is going to do and you have no control over that. Nothing you do is going to prevent him from relapsing. on the flipside, nothing you do is going to cause him to relapse either.Thank you so much for saying that. I needed to be reminded.
What you can do is keep on being a fabulous grandma raising a beautiful 4 year old. The little girl has had no choice in what she's been through. I'm glad you are there for her.
One thing you can do is work the recovery you hope your son will work when he gets out. What does this mean? Work the recovery?You can be a shining example to him of what he should be doing... unfortunately that might mean going to meetings in a small town where everybody knows you. sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to do things that make us uncomfortable.
In the meantime though you may want to check out Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beatty. You may find some useful tidbits in there. You could also talk to an addiction/codependency family counselor. They may be able to provide you with some good advice.
And definitely read and learn all you can from this website. There is a wealth of information here.
You are so right. And I have told myself for years that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. It has to be all his choice. Learn all you can about setting firm boundaries for the kind of behavior you are willing to accept in your household. And most importantly, commit to enforcing them.
It's so easy to talk the talk about staying clean and sober when you are in a regulated, monitored environment like prison. It's not so easy to walk the walk when you are on the outside. That's why sober houses are such a highly recommended transition. But either way, your son will do what he is going to do and you have no control over that. Nothing you do is going to prevent him from relapsing. on the flipside, nothing you do is going to cause him to relapse either.Thank you so much for saying that. I needed to be reminded.
What you can do is keep on being a fabulous grandma raising a beautiful 4 year old. The little girl has had no choice in what she's been through. I'm glad you are there for her.
One thing you can do is work the recovery you hope your son will work when he gets out. What does this mean? Work the recovery?You can be a shining example to him of what he should be doing... unfortunately that might mean going to meetings in a small town where everybody knows you. sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to do things that make us uncomfortable.
In the meantime though you may want to check out Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beatty. You may find some useful tidbits in there. You could also talk to an addiction/codependency family counselor. They may be able to provide you with some good advice.
And definitely read and learn all you can from this website. There is a wealth of information here.
I appreciate your post so much!
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
PS. My boundary as far as relapse/intervention goes would be:
No one under the influence of drugs will be allowed in my home or around my grand daughter. If I suspect anyone to be under the influence of drugs, I will call the police immediately and let them handle it.
The responsibility for HIS sobriety is his alone. And you have already state that relapse is NOT an option at your house. Therefore, intervention will not be necessary, right? I mean, you did say he is a changed man....
No one under the influence of drugs will be allowed in my home or around my grand daughter. If I suspect anyone to be under the influence of drugs, I will call the police immediately and let them handle it.
The responsibility for HIS sobriety is his alone. And you have already state that relapse is NOT an option at your house. Therefore, intervention will not be necessary, right? I mean, you did say he is a changed man....
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
Sounds like a huge red flag to me. Someone who is taking responsibility for their own recovery does not impose the burden of an intervention plan on his family.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Given his age and prison cycle, have you considered giving him the gift of dignity to take responsibility for himself.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Given his age and prison cycle, have you considered giving him the gift of dignity to take responsibility for himself.
I thought perhaps this intervention plan was something that NA or his sponsor may have suggested. I'm new to all of this so I wasn't sure.
Thanks for your post!
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Welcome to SR.....there are many mothers here who understand your anxiety, your hopes, your frustrations, and your fears.
I allowed my son to come back in to my home after his fourth go at treatment (two out patient, two in patient). I will be really honest with you......I wouldn't recommend doing what we did to anyone unless they are very well grounded in their own recovery program. And even then.....it is truly very difficult.
One of the biggest threats to an addict's recovery is their codependent. And for the codependent in recovery, the biggest threat to their serenity is the addict whom they love. I'm going to ask a stupid question...please don't yell at me. :-) Does every addict have someone in their life who is a codependent? I mean there are a lot of alcoholic / drug addicts who are homeless - who is there codependent? I guess I need to look up codependent symptoms for however it would be worded.
Knowing this, we still allowed our son to move back in with us to get his life together. For the most part, things have gone pretty well. But I know he had a brief relapse and it was really hard for me not to fall right back into the knee jerk reactions of a codependent. It has challenged me to work my program harder and control that which I can.....me.
You are not walking this path alone. There are many of us here who walk with you. I hope you stick around. The burden is less when shared.
gentle hugs
I allowed my son to come back in to my home after his fourth go at treatment (two out patient, two in patient). I will be really honest with you......I wouldn't recommend doing what we did to anyone unless they are very well grounded in their own recovery program. And even then.....it is truly very difficult.
One of the biggest threats to an addict's recovery is their codependent. And for the codependent in recovery, the biggest threat to their serenity is the addict whom they love. I'm going to ask a stupid question...please don't yell at me. :-) Does every addict have someone in their life who is a codependent? I mean there are a lot of alcoholic / drug addicts who are homeless - who is there codependent? I guess I need to look up codependent symptoms for however it would be worded.
Knowing this, we still allowed our son to move back in with us to get his life together. For the most part, things have gone pretty well. But I know he had a brief relapse and it was really hard for me not to fall right back into the knee jerk reactions of a codependent. It has challenged me to work my program harder and control that which I can.....me.
You are not walking this path alone. There are many of us here who walk with you. I hope you stick around. The burden is less when shared.
gentle hugs
I guess I need to purchase the book several people have recommended - it sounds like it would help me in this journey.
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