chicory

Against popular opinion, I have been letting my adult (38) son live with me, since I hate to put him out in freezing winter. He has no friends, no girl, no car, no job, no nothing. He has been depressed and I was glad that he seemed to want to get out and visit his sisters. figured he was stir-crazy, and he was. I also am not naive, figuring that he might manage to get some of their liquor, which they have and use normally, and not abusively. so, I dont trust him, but took him along.

he did go off to the upstairs, and was gone for a bit and upon return, said he was in upstairs bath.
next day, i noticed him being different. thought i smelled beer. he said that i always imagine that, and that he had none. i noted him being "different" and told him that I hoped he would not betray his sister, by taking anything from her. i dont trust him, havent for a while.


today i went to visit, and he said yes, he would like to go. i called daughter and asked how she felt about that, and she said he was welcome.

so, today he disappeared again. bathroom, again.
my daughter came to me, while he was outside having a smoke, and told me that some pills were gone from bath cabinet. she had counted them right before we came. she had suspected he took some last week, but did not tell me. i believe that is why he acted strange. she made me promise that I would not mention it, that she wanted to approach him in an email. so , i did not, but all the way home,i could not bring myself to speak.

he noted it, and asked why , i just said, i am tired. he said," wow, everyone had a great time, and suddenly it was like someones puppy died." i wish i had said that my heart did feel like something died. that little shred of hope that he was wanting to be with family, died today. he cannot be trusted.I knew that.

my daughter emailed me, saying he emailed her, confessing,saying he lifted a few pills which he had intended to make right with her. he is in his room, hopefully feeling shame, but why hope for anything anymore?
I cannot wait for spring, i hope it is early. and warm. and that he finds his way someday. i am just so sad today. it hurts to see that he cant help his self, and has such a warped sense of right and wrong. has for a long time.

i will not take him there anymore. i will not let him abuse anyone else, and he does not care if he abuses his self or me. I had hoped that some time sober and warm and well fed would help him to recover his brain a bit, and it seems to have, for he could not even talk coherently when he first came here. he was so stressed, and depressed. but he still has a big problem. and so do I.
I dont know how to deal with this hurt. I feel guilty somehow, like his disease if my disease. That my home is not welcoming, cause he is here. even if he acts nice, for they love and get along, normally. I am beginning to feel less wanted, for my life contains a big nasty problem.

Dignity

Hi Chicory, I have lived in those shoes twice already. Taking my son in, worrying about him eating, a warm place to sleep and to try and get his life together. None of those times worked. In between he had jobs, girlfriends and seemed to be doing well....but low and behold~~it was back to drugs. I'm so worn out and I bet you are too. We both need to get our lives back but its a hard path. hugs from one mom to another and I wish you well.

wicked

chicory,

i am truly sorry.
you sound so.....bereft? i just cant think of the words.
the codie in me wants to fix it for you.
sigh...
not for your son, for you.
can you do something for yourself that you enjoy?
one small thing?

Beth

tjp613

Thank you for sharing your story, Chicory. We all learn from each other..... and your experience, though extremely painful, is hopefully made less so by sharing it.

chicory

Thank you my friends.
At the urging of some of you dear ones, I have shared when I really dont have much recovery to include. It does make me feel better, tho.
It is just plain wonderful to be cared for, and to be understood. and to hear sane voices

Dignity, I am wishing for good things for you too, and send a mom hug back to you.

Beth, I love that you wish you could fix me, i wish you could too, and yes, I will do something for myself very soon, and will write to share what it was. it is nice, to think about forgetting about all this for a while.

tjp, thank you. for giving me courage to share. it does help. at least I am not silently screaming into the darkness. and I have angels to share the frustration with, who understand me and give me strength.

I love you all for it.

chicory

Kindeyes

Chicory
It's good to hear from you again. Your email made me so sad. Addiction is heartbreaking.

Sending you gentle hugs from another Mom

chicory

((Kindeyes)))

Thank you for the mom hug- gosh those are great!
I am sorry tho, that my post made you sad. I figured it would not make anyone smile, but, I just needed the chance to share, without someone telling me that this is no big deal, and that I make mountains out of molehills, and that I look for things. boy, what do you call someone who will NOT admit to any wrongdoing?
there must be some psychological term for it?

hope that you are having good days, Kindeyes. I pray for your son, and actually, I remember all of us in my prayers. I just wish I could hear my HP's voice.

love
chicory

tjp613

Probably worth a read, honey... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-abusers.html

tjp613

As a very astute counselor reminded me recently, it is FAR FAR easier to NOT admit wrongdoing! Admitting wrongdoing would also put a dent in the very thick wall of denial they have spent years building. You are wasting your breath on that one....trust me.

chicory

Thanks tjp- I have favorited that, and will read it , very carefully.
i have to get up early tomorrow. for i have inventory. boy, i hate inventory

hugs to all.thanks for being here.
chicory

Kindeyes

Oh sweetie....it's addiction that makes me sad.....not necessarily your post. I'm so glad you shared (and glad to "see" you again). We need to get that stuff "out" of us and here is a good, safe place to do that.

My son is struggling but he's being honest, going to meetings, struggling, going to meetings, and struggling. He has good days and bad days but the good days seem to out number the bad ones by a wide margin. And me.....I'm doing pretty good. I don't ask questions. I don't tell him what to do. I don't stress out and go bonkers. I spend most of my time serene or concentrating on work or sleeping or doing things I'm suppose to be doing. And I let him live his life.

Acceptance. Surrender. Inventory. Repeat.

I'll keep you and your son in my prayers and I truly appreciate your prayers. I believe all the way down to my toes that prayers help.

gentle hugs

chicory

This is good to hear, Kindeyes.

I know in my heart that things have to change here, for this is not helping him, except keeping him from changing. of course, he will still do the same things if he has access. so, i am just making it easy for him, when he needs hard knock school, obviously. please, pray for him. i believe too, that prayer makes a difference, but the answers are not easy ones, like i would wish. i pray for strength and healing, and wisdom, and clarity of mind.
hgus
chicory

hope2be

Thanks, Chicory, for sharing . It reminded me of just 6 months ago, when I was dealing with my AS (I have mostly talked of my AD on this forum...guess sooner or later will come out w/my whole story). I too, gave him a roof over his head, a car, food, gas money, cigarettes, all the luxuries of home-cable tv, internet. He did absolutely nothing w/his life. I finally kicked him out, he ended up being picked up by the police and committed to a psychiatric facility. When he was released I told him he could not come back home, which was amazing b/c I was not yet in my recovery program. He lives in a nearby city with his brother and I stopped "checking up" on him. I sleep better now.
He called me every now & then to say "I love you". He is still not working, but I feel better that I am not supporting destructive behavior.
I just want to tell you, you are not alone and I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

mooselips

Chicory,
Hugs to you from one mom to another.
We always have hope, and that's not something we want to lose, but sometimes, we just have to admit defeat, and come to the realization that NOTHING, no amount of love, can lead them to recovery. It's all up to them.

So easy to say, and so hard to do.

Prayers to you and your family.