Finally decided to let go
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Massachusetts
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Finally decided to let go
So I have posted here and there, looking for advice, read everything, and it has been so helpful. My ABF got out of rehab a week ago tomorrow, he was away for 30 days, so 37 days clean .
I had all these hopes that recovery would fix all that was wrong, that he would so appreciate that I hadn't left him through the nightmare we have been in the past year, and would appreciate how much I loved him.
Yah, the first 2 days was just that, then all the 18 to 22 yr olds i freaked out about at the rehab who just "adore" him, have all started being released this week as well, needless to say a new nightmare began! Lunches out, meeting rides, offers to shuttle them around..... we are both mid 30's, I take good care of myself, I can't compete with all of this, he says they are his "family", they are all so connected, 2 1/2 years and apparently we aren't!
I made the final decision after being told this is his recovery and he will do as he pleases last night that I am giving up on all of it.
Today is almost over, and I am almost 1 full day of no contact. I said my serenity prayer out loud 10 times today for the strength to do this, especially after seeing on facebook he picked an 18 and 21 yr old girl up for their meeting tonight. I blocked him from my page so I have no access to his info.
I am truly devastated, and feel so dumb!
I had all these hopes that recovery would fix all that was wrong, that he would so appreciate that I hadn't left him through the nightmare we have been in the past year, and would appreciate how much I loved him.
Yah, the first 2 days was just that, then all the 18 to 22 yr olds i freaked out about at the rehab who just "adore" him, have all started being released this week as well, needless to say a new nightmare began! Lunches out, meeting rides, offers to shuttle them around..... we are both mid 30's, I take good care of myself, I can't compete with all of this, he says they are his "family", they are all so connected, 2 1/2 years and apparently we aren't!
I made the final decision after being told this is his recovery and he will do as he pleases last night that I am giving up on all of it.
Today is almost over, and I am almost 1 full day of no contact. I said my serenity prayer out loud 10 times today for the strength to do this, especially after seeing on facebook he picked an 18 and 21 yr old girl up for their meeting tonight. I blocked him from my page so I have no access to his info.
I am truly devastated, and feel so dumb!
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
First please take good care of yourself and remember to do something nice for yourself. Blocking him on FB was great thing for you to do and far from dumb, so please don't feel that way. Also I am sure you can compete just fine and should believe that. I am also sure these girls are playing some kind of game pulling him around with every whim they ask for. Look at it from that perspective instead. I am hoping you try to distract yourself and keep busy.
Sending hugs and prayers out to you
Sending hugs and prayers out to you
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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I read this thread in the F&F of Alcoholics section and learned some new things about those early months of recovery that I never considered before. It may be helpful for you, too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-til-2am.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-til-2am.html
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Lost,
Maybe now might be a good time for you to work on YOU. Figure out what’s going on inside of you that makes you insecure, makes you jealous and why you “feel” the need to be his “only” in HIS recovery.
You might benefit from al-anon, I know I did when I was feeling all these things you are today. I couldn’t understand HIM, when the truth was I NEEDED to understand ME.
(((((lost))))))
Maybe now might be a good time for you to work on YOU. Figure out what’s going on inside of you that makes you insecure, makes you jealous and why you “feel” the need to be his “only” in HIS recovery.
You might benefit from al-anon, I know I did when I was feeling all these things you are today. I couldn’t understand HIM, when the truth was I NEEDED to understand ME.
(((((lost))))))
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Posts: 21
thank you so much for replies, I joined an alanon group a couple weeks ago and started working with a therapist , I suppose our relationship going so far down hill the past year did make me pretty insecure, I have little trust left. Regardless I am def trying to work on my issues.
I didnt want to be his only recovery, I go to meetings, I pay attention, and I know it is a bad idea to be around ALL newly out of rehab addicts, I also feel very uncomfortable that my 36 yr old ABF would prefer to be around very young girls, its all girls, it is my issue but I find it to be strange. I don't feel he is taking his recovery as serious as he is his new young social crowd as he is out buying clothes and getting piercings to fit in. If there were a group of guys he found helpful, or even if it were recovery based, but trips to the store and out for lunch......
needless to say, it doesnt really matter anymore, he made it clear those connections were more important to him, in those exact words, and I have made it to day 3 of no contact! It has truly been the worst year of my life and trying so hard to detach and not look back, I just wish I didnt care.
I didnt want to be his only recovery, I go to meetings, I pay attention, and I know it is a bad idea to be around ALL newly out of rehab addicts, I also feel very uncomfortable that my 36 yr old ABF would prefer to be around very young girls, its all girls, it is my issue but I find it to be strange. I don't feel he is taking his recovery as serious as he is his new young social crowd as he is out buying clothes and getting piercings to fit in. If there were a group of guys he found helpful, or even if it were recovery based, but trips to the store and out for lunch......
needless to say, it doesnt really matter anymore, he made it clear those connections were more important to him, in those exact words, and I have made it to day 3 of no contact! It has truly been the worst year of my life and trying so hard to detach and not look back, I just wish I didnt care.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Congrats on the 3 days, it may not feel good today but with each day it really does become easier and easier. Once you go no contact and stay in no contact for a while our thinking becomes clear and we are able to see things we were unable to see while in the chaos and drama.
I think al-anon and posting here will help you discover that their sobriety no matter how they achieve that and with whom HAS to be their top priority and yes everything and everyone else has to come second. It truly stinks for the loved ones of addicts but that’s just how it is.
He’s trying to find “his sober self” and he may go through all kinds of stages before he feels the right fit. Sounds like right now he feels like he fits in with these young people, maybe he’s trying to re-live his youth trying to get a do over in life.
None of what he does should be any of your business right now, it’s much easier to move to that emotionally detached stage when you don’t know whey they are doing. I think the no contact is extremely important for you then you won’t be hearing those stories or sadly seeing him trying to fit into a group far younger then him.
Hang in there and lets get through day 4, it’s one moment at a time!!!
Today will be 5 weeks of no contact for me!!!! So I do understand what you are going through.
I think al-anon and posting here will help you discover that their sobriety no matter how they achieve that and with whom HAS to be their top priority and yes everything and everyone else has to come second. It truly stinks for the loved ones of addicts but that’s just how it is.
He’s trying to find “his sober self” and he may go through all kinds of stages before he feels the right fit. Sounds like right now he feels like he fits in with these young people, maybe he’s trying to re-live his youth trying to get a do over in life.
None of what he does should be any of your business right now, it’s much easier to move to that emotionally detached stage when you don’t know whey they are doing. I think the no contact is extremely important for you then you won’t be hearing those stories or sadly seeing him trying to fit into a group far younger then him.
Hang in there and lets get through day 4, it’s one moment at a time!!!
Today will be 5 weeks of no contact for me!!!! So I do understand what you are going through.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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(((Lost))) God, I know how painful it is! A couple of things come to mind:
I guess you've already figured out that rehab is not a magical place where they go to get fixed forever. They go to learn tools to use on the outside, to detox (somewhat), get counseling and support. What they do when they get out is the most important part of the program as they transition back into the real world.
Whether or not he is "done" remains to be seen but you are right, focusing on clothes and piercings is not a good sign. The fact that all his recovery 'buddies' are young females is not a good sign. The fact that he's being so dismissive of your feelings is not a good sign. You couple all that with the statistical likelihood that he will relapse and you can see that the future is not exactly bright.
You had the same expectations that we newbies all have about rehab and recovery so don't feel "dumb" -- you are in very good company. Thank goodness for places like SR where we can come to help us through the cold reality that is addiction.
No Contact is HARD. It may be the hardest thing you've done yet. But I promise you that it is the fastest way through this tunnel of pain. No Contact is not to punish him but is best for YOU and YOUR healing. Stick with it as best you can and you'll see.
((((Hugs))))
I guess you've already figured out that rehab is not a magical place where they go to get fixed forever. They go to learn tools to use on the outside, to detox (somewhat), get counseling and support. What they do when they get out is the most important part of the program as they transition back into the real world.
Whether or not he is "done" remains to be seen but you are right, focusing on clothes and piercings is not a good sign. The fact that all his recovery 'buddies' are young females is not a good sign. The fact that he's being so dismissive of your feelings is not a good sign. You couple all that with the statistical likelihood that he will relapse and you can see that the future is not exactly bright.
You had the same expectations that we newbies all have about rehab and recovery so don't feel "dumb" -- you are in very good company. Thank goodness for places like SR where we can come to help us through the cold reality that is addiction.
No Contact is HARD. It may be the hardest thing you've done yet. But I promise you that it is the fastest way through this tunnel of pain. No Contact is not to punish him but is best for YOU and YOUR healing. Stick with it as best you can and you'll see.
((((Hugs))))
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Originally Posted by tjp613 
(((Lost))) I guess you've already figured out that rehab is not a magical place where they go to get fixed forever.
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I hope you all realize that you have become such a huge part of my own recovery, your words are truly inspiring and helpful, and as I am staring at my phone and not answering the one and only text he sent yesterday, I would die for him to be calling and missing me. I am a bit selfish myself I guess.
I know he has to do what he has to do, I just really thought it would be me by his side, or better yet me who he would want by his side, and I have wasted so much of my time, pain, tears, fears, all of it, for nothing. I will stay no contact, it is getting harder, yet at the same time it isnt nearly as hard as it was sitting in my room in tears for hours the other day, so it is the lesser of the 2 evils!
I feel so much less stressed and have been able to focus so much on me the last couple days its amazing, and that does feel good. It is needed.
I know he has to do what he has to do, I just really thought it would be me by his side, or better yet me who he would want by his side, and I have wasted so much of my time, pain, tears, fears, all of it, for nothing. I will stay no contact, it is getting harder, yet at the same time it isnt nearly as hard as it was sitting in my room in tears for hours the other day, so it is the lesser of the 2 evils!
I feel so much less stressed and have been able to focus so much on me the last couple days its amazing, and that does feel good. It is needed.
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Ok, Lost.... that's all good. But now it is time to consider your plan for the time when he does start with the quacking?
What will you do when he calls and says he misses you terribly?
What will you do when he says he "gets it" now?
What will you do when he starts barraging you with calls, emails and texts?
What will you do when he calls and says he misses you terribly?
What will you do when he says he "gets it" now?
What will you do when he starts barraging you with calls, emails and texts?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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You keep that focus on you and you’ll continue to have that amazing feeling.
I know for me once I was away from the craziness a few days it was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I no longer had that stress in my neck and shoulders, I no longer had those stress headaches and there was calm with in me.
Now I’m not saying I was sleeping well or eating right, still don’t but I’m getting better at that. Kind of like this break up weight loss right now!!! LOL But my thoughts are no longer consumed with him and what he is doing or what he is not doing. My thoughts are on me and all the new directions I can take in life.
I had to block him from calling/texting me because he was insane there at the end and after I moved out he was doing the typical come here/go away but with nasty cursing phone calls. So I pulled the plug on his ability to continue to effect me. It’s pretty easy to block a number from your phone and it’s pretty easy to un-do it as well, something you might want to think about. Because each of his contacts via text/email/calls will only set you back and take you out of your recovery game and put you right back into his.
We are here for you so keep posting and like I said, WE'LL get through this......
I know for me once I was away from the craziness a few days it was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I no longer had that stress in my neck and shoulders, I no longer had those stress headaches and there was calm with in me.
Now I’m not saying I was sleeping well or eating right, still don’t but I’m getting better at that. Kind of like this break up weight loss right now!!! LOL But my thoughts are no longer consumed with him and what he is doing or what he is not doing. My thoughts are on me and all the new directions I can take in life.
I had to block him from calling/texting me because he was insane there at the end and after I moved out he was doing the typical come here/go away but with nasty cursing phone calls. So I pulled the plug on his ability to continue to effect me. It’s pretty easy to block a number from your phone and it’s pretty easy to un-do it as well, something you might want to think about. Because each of his contacts via text/email/calls will only set you back and take you out of your recovery game and put you right back into his.
We are here for you so keep posting and like I said, WE'LL get through this......
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tjp613 I don't know, until you asked I hadn't thought of it, he seems so happy among these kids that I don't really anticipate it, but if he does, I actually got a pitt in my stomach when I read that because I don't know what to do, its why I figured no contact would help to avoid any issues I don't really trust myself yet to handle, what do you think?
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His behaviors and choices are a reflection of his own issues.
It's not personal. I know. I know. It just feels that way.
Consider thinking of it this way.... the 18-22 year olds are likely functioning, on a good day, with the maturity of say a 10-12 year old. Your former guy is doing nothing more than seeking the time/ company of his peer group.
It's not personal. I know. I know. It just feels that way.
Consider thinking of it this way.... the 18-22 year olds are likely functioning, on a good day, with the maturity of say a 10-12 year old. Your former guy is doing nothing more than seeking the time/ company of his peer group.
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I suppose that is about the level he functions at, it still hurts just the same! I'm making it through, I will be better in the end and I know us fighting over these issues will do nothing but make him want to use anyway. Its hard to realize you and the person you love are no good for each other!
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
Consider thinking of it this way.... the 18-22 year olds are likely functioning, on a good day, with the maturity of say a 10-12 year old. Your former guy is doing nothing more than seeking the time/ company of his peer group.
This morning I was thinking how my 44 year old EXBF was not really a Dr. Jeckly Mr. Hide as much as he was a grown man who turned into a little boy when he put the mask of addiction on. He would even say it about himself, how immature he was and how he needed to grow up.
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