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Good news... I'm still growing!

Old 01-20-2011, 06:21 PM
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Good news... I'm still growing!

After my recent break up with my first real relationship after ExAH, I felt like I had gone right back to the beginning, right where I was when I found this forum, started attending Al-Anon meetings, back to accepting my life had become unmanagable. After a mental break in Florida with my sister, I decided it was time to get back to basics.

I knew that I could be someplace better, mentally, emotionally and physically. I remembered everything I had done before, so I went back to square one. I read Co-dependant No More, again. While it brought back so many tools to my tool box, I still didn't feel like it was helping. So I went on to read Beyond Codependency. And this is where I read something that seemed to apply to me.

"Relapse happens to many of us. Relapse happens to people who have been recovering for ten months or ten years. It happens not because we're deficient or lackadaisical. Relapse happens because it's a normal part of the recovery process.

In fact, it's so normal I'm not going to call it relapse. I'm going to call it "recycling."

..."Relapse sounds like going all the way back to where we started from - square one on the game board"...."we don't go all the way back. when we finish a recycling process, we move to a progressed location on our recovery journey." from Melody Beattie's Beyond Codepenency.

I'm not at square one, I'm having a growth spurt! I had to move backward to move forward. I was feeling a lot of guilt and shame to have put myself in a situation where I had forgotten all I learned, and reverted back to all the defense mechanisms that I knew didn't work, but I couldn't stop myself. it happened.

The good news is, I am forgiving myself, and am taking steps to learn the how and why's, and to be more aware of myself. My wants and needs, and I'm listening harder to that little voice inside of me, the one I shove into a box when it's saying something I don't want to hear.

Recovery is a journey, not a destination. I am beginning to accept that I am in this for the long haul, and I will be working it for the rest of my life. I'm ready for step two in my recovery. And I'm excited, and scared, and more ok with myself than I have ever been before. "God bless the broken road....".
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Old 01-22-2011, 03:43 AM
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That's an interesting thought. Thank you for sharing. I needed to read that tonight.

gentle hugs
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