Here's a good question
 

I want to know what the big attraction is for a codependent for a parent, sibling, boyfriend, mother, and father.

I have asked myself this question and I can't seem to find the answer as it applies to me.

I contemplated that "control" was the answer but I really don't want control. I don't want the responsibility. I'm still searching because I know if I can see it then I can stop it.

Any thoughts?

Roo

I think for me it was the fact that over time I had let my relationships with others define me, rather than compliment me. I was a mother and a wife and a worker and a home owner, but somewhere in there I lost the fact that I was a person first.

When things began to go south ( marraige, addict son etc) it took me with it, because after all it meant I had failed right?

The logical and natural thing to do when you allow something to define you (as I had) is to try to control. I didn't want control either, but I did hang on to ( and attemp to manipulate) what I felt controlled me.

I'm not sure if that makes sense, except in my own head lol

For me, I felt like I had invested too much in my relationship already to let it go.

I think for me it was learned behaviors/thoughts about love and standing by your man. I think it was also the investment I made in the 10 year relationship.

Also, the times he would get clean and work a program he was the man I first fell in love with not the man wearing the mask of addiction.

The more I WORKED MY OWN RECOVERY, learned new behaviors/thoughts putting just as much love into myself as I did him, it made my decision to leave the relationship easier.

I think for me, as a sister of an addict/alcoholic brother, I wanted to fix him and make it better. I knew very well that any kind of control would not work, but yet I tried. There was no such thing in my vocab to quit on someone in your family.

Now as a fiance of an addict for 8 years...it was also wanting to fix him, care for him, to show him if I am all he wants me to be then it would be enough for him to quit using, it was an addiction that I had for him. I knew here too that control would never work, nor the threats of leaving ect....

Then I started working my program after crying out for help. And here I am today, in such a better place. =)

Good question Roo!! I hope you find that answer you are looking for deep inside of you..

For me it was being a mom. I had no clue how drugs could haul a person in and hang on. When my councelor told me I was co=dependant, I had no clue what that was...really~~stupid me. But then we got to the bottom of why I was co-dependent and it made so much sense. Today i'm walking away from my sons third relapse and letting him handle it alone. This whole thing is tough and along the way you will find answers......

For me, I didn't quite yet know what love was. I was caretaker, GF, mother etc; Hoping to have a normal family, I ignored some ever important flags that I should have seen until it was too late. After it was too late, I thought I was helping my addict when in fact my actions were hurting...........everybody.