I think I'm doing OK
 

But some days are just harder than others. I haven't seen or talked to my son in 6 weeks. This is a first for~~forever. We do have to let go with this relapse and let him find his way alone. He's a resourceful type of guy even if I don't agree with his tatics. I am going to inform him that I am shutting off his cell phone at the end of this pay period. Now, my question for you all is~ do I text him or call him with this info.....and how do I word this in as few words as possible...thanks for any ideas.

Dignity
I know how badly it hurts not to hear from or see your son for weeks on end. I've been there.

Your son is a resourceful guy. Allowing him the dignity of using his resourcefulness is the kindest thing you can do for him. Allowing him to feel the full force of his addiction is the most loving thing you can do for him.

That is what I did for my son. It hurt me. It hurt me to no end to know that I was mourning the loss of someone living....if you could call that living. His addiction was killing him. It was the most awful thing in the world to accept that my son could die. It was out of my control. I finally surrendered. I had to......because holding on was killing me too.

Is it really necessary to let him know that you're turning off the phone or do you think he'll figure it out when the phone doesn't work anymore? Or is it just a reason to be in contact with him?

Believe me.....I understand. Turning off his phone will put the ball in his court. You won't be able to contact him. It will take that option away from you. But addicts are very resourceful. If he needs you, he'll borrow a phone or find a pay phone.

I wish I could give you a gentle hug in person. I know how your Mother's heart hurts.

gentle hugs to you

Not being a mom of an addict, I'm sure this is a hard decision. Looking in on the situation however, I have one question: Did he bother to honor your feelings when he just disappeared? - No

I know how hard this is, but it helps me to remember that I am totally powerless over my son's addiction and that I have a responsibility to myself to stay healthy and not let it make me sick too. Me being sick too won't help anyone.

I think it's a good move on your part to stop paying for the cell. I like to make my messages about not supplying money or funding to be about "me", so that it's not up for discussion nor is it negotiable.

An example might be...

"Just wanted to let you know that I can no longer afford to pay for your cell phone. I hope that telling you now will give you time to make other arrangements before the end of the month."

Send it however you feel most comfortable. If his response is less than respectful, have an exit plan in place. "I have to go now, love you" was one of my favourites.

Good luck.

Hugs

You are living a parent's worst nightmare and I am so very, very sorry. Just want to lend you my support, from another mom. (((((Hugs))))

Kindeyes stated it perfectly. We are mouring the life of our son who is still living. It breaks my heart to know that there is absolutely nothing we can do anymore. I just want to shake some sense into him but thats not going to help anyone. Thanks for all the support girls.

I'm sending some strong prayers for you and your son today!

Roo

I really like Ann's response.

(hugs to you)

So do I......she's a smart lady with some good suggestions in a nice, kind way.

i am typing wth 1 hnd in sling so bear w abbrvs..
i did not let my daughter know that her phone was going 2 b turnd off..it was a given when i had told her if u relapse u will b on ur own...i didnt want to make it easier in ant way 4 her 2 live the life..phones r used2 get drugs...imho u owe no explantion and do not need 2 give a courtesy call that wuld break nc and open the door 4 drama..he will figure it out quikly..hang in there...been there..no fun

I agree with a couple of posts here. Do you even need to let him know you are turning it off? He will figure it out of course soon enough but then he will probably be in contact with you himself.

If you let him know now though in the nice way (like Ann put it) then maybe he will not contact you about it because he will already know the reason. Which no contact with you might be better for you at this point?

I think this is a 2 way deal, weather you contact him with the info, or he contacts you wondering why it does not work. Whichever one will be easier on you...

Sending hugs your way.

Is it really necessary to let him know that you're turning off the phone or do you think he'll figure it out when the phone doesn't work anymore? Or is it just a reason to be in contact with him?

I agree with kindeyes, think about WHY you want to contact him to let him know you are turning off the phone. Is it a reason to contact him, is it one last big hope for a change in him? Investigate your own motives, because when I began to investigate my motives they still were falling into the manipulation, guilt trip, trying to control categories. I seemed to always be setting myself up for dissapointment.

I’m glad you are posting, glad you are here.

To tell you the truth~ I know I can't manipulate him at all. I really don't want to contact him. I'm glad alot of you have suggested just turning it off. Thats just what my hubby said just turn it off!!! looks like thats whats going to happen here. I do need to step away and let him fall all the way withoput me interferring. He is already mad at us for taking his business truck away. We just couldn't have him driving around. I love you guys. I just don't know what I'm afraid of?? Its time.

Dignity,

Just want to give you a big hug from one Mom to another. And to let you know it is frightening but you are doing a good job.

OOO, Joan

Dignity
It's the same thing we are all so very afraid of......we're afraid of letting go. The thought of it terrified me. That's why the word "courage" is so important to me in the Serenity Prayer. It takes so much courage to let go....more than I thought I possessed.

More gentle hugs

You're afraid of what every parent is afraid of but you are feeling it very acutely right now :( I wish I could remember who said it because it helped me a great deal: Worry and fear will not change the outcome.

I'm praying for your serenity tonight and every night. (((Hugs)))

My husband just got a call from our son and he wants to get together and discuss the truck. Its a sharp truck and worth way more than we can sell it for. Son wants the money from the sale. Its not going to happen. It was his money that was put down on the truck but we are not handing over money to just be used for drugs.....this is going to get worse. I don't see why we have to GTG and discuss anything. Those two can handle it on the phone..........i know we're not suppose to control matters but I'd like to say to him that he needs exstenive (sp)) rehab and if proven clean he can have the money. Is it bad for us to hold on to thousands?? I really don't think so. Let me have it guys. and thanks. You've helped get me through this day.

My son had a similar argument -- he had $5000 in a savings account that his father had put aside for him. In his mind the money was "his" -- and it may have been in theory -- but there is no way in he** we were going to give him that money when there was NO indication whatsoever that it would be spent wisely.

Rule #1: Never give an addict cash.

You can tell him that it's not feasible to sell the truck right now and for all intents and purposes the money is simply tied up. That's life!

Don't make any promises about how/when he can get the money, because in reality it could be a year or more and there's a LOT of stuff that would have to happen first, right?

You can also say that you love him but the next phone call you want to receive from him is the one where he says he's ready for rehab... until then, don't bother.

Harsh, I know.

I'm sorry :(

tjp~~you are so right. The only phone call I want is the one saying he is ready for rehab. He is not getting his hands on any money and thats all there is to it. I'm sure hoping I wake up in a better state of mind tomorrow. Its been rough today but we are not backing down at all. What do you say we all meet for a SR Cruise.....wouldn't that be fun?? Thanks alot. You all make me feel a little better

As a mom of a teenager that is smoking pot I'm beginning to understand the pain of parenting someone that is involved with drugs. It definitely is a different experience for me and can only begin to grasp the magnitude of these experiences.

One thing that gives me hope is that my husband eventually found sobriety after 20 years of smoking crack and a total of 35 years of using other drugs as well. His situation was as hopeless as you can get and somehow how he was able to string day after day together to get to where he is now. Unfortunately, he doesn't work a recovery program so he's not a particularly pleasant person to live with...but he is sober from drugs and alcohol.

He will tell you that one of the main reasons that he had such a long run was because of the way that his mother enabled him. She couldn't bring herself to make that final step (not paying for the cell phone...just in case he could call and multiple other ways in that same vein). He believed that he always had her as a safety valve. She did it out of love but truthfully, that love contributed to his near demise and not his seeking sobriety. Maybe he would have stayed out anyway but I know what he says about it. He takes a pretty hard line about all of that kind of stuff now. She did help him tremendously when he decided to get sober - she paid for a lot of counseling. Per my husband, THAT was money that was well spent.

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.