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Boyfriend has relasped

Old 01-18-2011, 03:32 PM
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Boyfriend has relasped

My boyfriend of 6 months relasped Sunday night after 9 and a half months clean. I didnt hear from him Sunday as he was in work and he went to an N.A. meeting Sunday night and after having what he's described as one of his worst days ever he bumped into a fellow addict who he met at meeting who had relasped and had a smoke with him. I had a text from my boyfriend before he went to work Sunday but didnt hear from him for 49 hours after this and only found out about his relapse today after spending the past two days wondering if he was even dead or alive. I love him more than anything and know he feels the same but I don't know if I can or even should do this anymore. I will do whatever it is to help him and just want to see him recover from this and get back on track but I don't know if I'm whats best for him anymore. I can't help but feel somewhat responsible and feel very unhappy with myself and ashamed that he felt he couldn't come to me in his time of need. I have tried to aid his recovery for the past 9 months (as we were friends long before our relationship began) and get him to open up to me about it but felt he never took it as seriously as he should including constant lying....the worst was when he claimed he had a sponsor named Con for 4 months and used to meet up with him every Wednesday, only for me to find out this person was made up and he had no sponsor and still doesn't despite me pleading with him to get one and doing plently of research on the internet as to the benefits of having one. I love him so much and really just want to see him happy and to recover from this but I don't know how to do this. Any advice on what I should do and what would be best for him would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
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Old 01-18-2011, 03:57 PM
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You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

You can't prevent him from using.
You can't cause him to use.

Your bf owns this.

Instead of focusing on him and his addiction, you might want to consider focusing on your co-dependency issues which is what this forum is all about.
Read the stickies at the top of this page. Pick up a copy of Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. Consider attending Alanon. If it helps, get your own sponsor.

For what's it's worth, reading between the lines here, I suspect your BF relapsed prior to the most recent situation. He may have been lying about more than just having a sponsor.

Only you can decide if you want to live with the chaos and uncertainty that is addiction. Only you can decide your boundary. Either you accept him as is/where is ( wherever that is) or not. It's the tween part that's pure hell-o.
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Old 01-18-2011, 04:40 PM
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Thank you for your advice. Might not be a bad idea to attend nar anon so thank you for suggesting it
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Old 01-19-2011, 05:01 PM
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Well, the answer to your question is, "YOU CAN'T HELP HIM!" The only way you can help him is to let him go on his journey alone.

Don't feel ashamed that he didn't come to you in "his time of need" because he didn't want help from you, he wanted to get high!

The only way you can help him is to let him make his own decisions, his own choices, his own mistakes. You have to love him enough to let him hate you! Sounds horrible huh? It's the only way, believe me.

If he ever gets sober/clean, he will be the first to tell you, you probably saved his life just by sticking to your boundaries and denying him any type of help that includes, shelter, money, even food. Sad huh, but it's the only way.
\
Hugs, Devastated
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:29 PM
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Eiffy
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us and hope that you find answers and comfort here.

One of the things that was said at my son's first rehab center is that the addict/alcoholic has a much better chance of recovery if the people who love him/her are also working a 12 step program. When we are working our own program of recovery, we learn that we have to let them own their own recovery....and we own ours.

I'm so sorry that your BF relapsed. It is a part of this dreaded disease. But it (relapse) doesn't have to take us hostage.

gentle hugs
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Old 01-19-2011, 07:35 PM
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Eiffy,

So sorry about your boyfriends relapse, I understand how much that hurts.
My ex husband and my oldest son have both been relapsing for years.
You must take care of you.
Be as good to youirself as you would for your boyfriend.

Beth
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Old 01-19-2011, 08:12 PM
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Thank you very much for your support and advice. He is clean again 3 days now and is back at counselling and we are all just taking things one day at a time. He has told his parents everything that has gone on and everything lie thats been told so we all currently are totally aware of all the facts and everything is out in the open.

I havn't seen him yet but I've spoken to him on the phone and we've had long chats about where we go from here. He has offered to ask the councellor for the relevant literature for me and even has asked if I want to go to the nar anon meetings (without me even having to mention it) and so.....especially after my advice on here I think I'm going to go for it.

We are both only 21 so I think all the support I can get will help me.....and I'm starting to see that if I don't help myself I'll never be able to help him. We were only friends when he went to rehab so I was never taught to deal with this and will admit I did spend time thinking I'd contributed to if not in some way caused his relaspe. I now thankfully have started to understand everything a little more clearly, its going to take me a while to fully accept that i'm not to blame but I too am taking this one step at a time in terms of me and how i recover from this.


I have this website and all of the advice and kind words I've been given to thank for making me see that its not selfish of me to make sure I look after myself and ensure I get to deal with this relaspe and the life that goes with addiction in a way that helps me.
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Old 01-19-2011, 08:42 PM
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I have this website and all of the advice and kind words I've been given to thank for making me see that its not selfish of me to make sure I look after myself and ensure I get to deal with this relaspe and the life that goes with addiction in a way that helps me.
Please keep coming back Eiffy.
It is certainly not selfish to take care of you.
It took me many years to learn that I should come first.
Have you heard the story about an airplane going down, about to crash?
If you want to save a loved one, you must put on your oxygen mask first, or you will be useless to them.
Gain strength wherever you can Eiffy.

Beth
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:01 PM
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Thank you for that Beth. That has gotten through to me faster than anything else could possibly have. I will always smile hearing that safety anouncements on planes now

Just one question for anyone who might care to help. I know this is probably a stupid question but my boyfriend when asking if i wanted to go to nar anon offered to come with me.....however I was under the impression that it was a meeting for me alone and not for us both?
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:12 PM
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however I was under the impression that it was a meeting for me alone and not for us both?
hmm, I think it is for you, the loved one of an addict, but technically he could go with you. I guess the question is: do you want him to go?
I did not want my husband (now ex) to come to meetings with me, I would not feel safe sharing.
Maybe he could find an NA meeting.
but, if you want the company for your first meeting and you are comfortable with that, then bring him with you.
Ah, I am sounding awful wishy washy. Sorry. I had trust issues with my ex by then too.
sigh.......
Maybe I will have something brilliant to say in the morning.
Thank you for saying you appreciated the airplane story.
I love it too, I first heard it here at SR.
Okay now I am just babbling.
LOL
I will be back in the morning.

Beth
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Old 01-19-2011, 09:29 PM
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He does still go to his 4 NA meetings a week and stays on after every meeting to talk, so I guess I'm lucky with that. He was obviously beginning to slip for months to cause this relaspe but he never stopped going to meetings. Whether he shared even or took even notice is another thing altogether!

I guess he just knows how hard his first meeting was and doesn't want me to have to do it alone. I suppose I could do with the moral support for the first meeting. I am already pretty nervous and I only just really decided in my own head that I'm going to go for this. And it would be nice to have that company until I'm more comfortable. And it will make sure I don't back out and end up standing at the entrance wondering whether or not to go in!

I most definitely want to try to go it alone then. Once I have the first one or two under my belt. I know I shouldn't think this way but it's partially because I don't want to burden him with worrying about me......but mainly because I want this to be about me. I want to do this for me. Because even though I thought we had a perfect relationship until the relaspe I was drowning and didnt even realise it. I was losing myself and who I am because I let him become the most important thing to me.....far more important than I was to myself.
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Old 01-19-2011, 11:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Eiffy View Post
Thank you for that Beth. That has gotten through to me faster than anything else could possibly have. I will always smile hearing that safety anouncements on planes now

Just one question for anyone who might care to help. I know this is probably a stupid question but my boyfriend when asking if i wanted to go to nar anon offered to come with me.....however I was under the impression that it was a meeting for me alone and not for us both?
He could go. Nobody is stopping him. But, I have talked to a few folks on this board (who are substance abusers and go to the "substance abuse" section of the board). They come here and are pretty broad-sided by some of what we all talk about. One guy said it made him feel so guilty that he wanted to use again. If he does go, he'll be hearing people talk about how their addict hurt them and (for some) continues to hurt them. The stories might be very in your face and brutally honest. Can he handle that as someone who might have done some of what the people giving testimony are attesting to?

Some of the stories I've heard people relay at alanon/naranon meetings have to do with some really heavy stuff (death, OD'ing, suicide, etc). It would be hard for ANYONE who is an addict not to get a little defensive, I think.

Just something to consider.
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Old 01-19-2011, 11:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Eiffy View Post
He does still go to his 4 NA meetings a week and stays on after every meeting to talk, so I guess I'm lucky with that. He was obviously beginning to slip for months to cause this relaspe but he never stopped going to meetings. Whether he shared even or took even notice is another thing altogether!

I guess he just knows how hard his first meeting was and doesn't want me to have to do it alone. I suppose I could do with the moral support for the first meeting. I am already pretty nervous and I only just really decided in my own head that I'm going to go for this. And it would be nice to have that company until I'm more comfortable. And it will make sure I don't back out and end up standing at the entrance wondering whether or not to go in!

I most definitely want to try to go it alone then. Once I have the first one or two under my belt. I know I shouldn't think this way but it's partially because I don't want to burden him with worrying about me......but mainly because I want this to be about me. I want to do this for me. Because even though I thought we had a perfect relationship until the relaspe I was drowning and didnt even realise it. I was losing myself and who I am because I let him become the most important thing to me.....far more important than I was to myself.
My first meeting was scary. But, you learn quickly that:

1. You don't have to talk if you don't want to.
2. You are among supportive people.

Go and tell the leader you're new and you just want to sit and listen. Absorb it and go from there.
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Old 01-20-2011, 05:27 PM
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Thank you both. I really appreciate the opinions because I'm just feeling so lost and the moment and don't want to make any decisions that might have a negitive effect on either of us.
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Old 01-21-2011, 09:34 AM
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I learned the hard way if they dont want it there nothing you can do...mine spent over 1000 over the weekend and now broke and rent is due
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