Sarah8180

As I mentioned in my previous post, after a 2 1/2 year rollercoaster ride I finally told my ABF to leave. First we had an argument having nothing to do with his addiction, but as a result of the argument he boke one of the "agreements" we made when deciding to "give it one more try". I told him befor he got out of the car that if he decided not to stick to what we BOTH agreed upon (actually what HE suggested in the first place), then it was over and that I was no longer willing to accept his lies and his broken promises. He decided to do what HE wanted to rather than honor our agreement and then called me later telling me he was coming back anyway to "work things out". I told him no he wasn't as he had already made his decision and there for I had no choice but to make mine. After this all happened he decided to go out and get high. Now I know this was HIS choice, not mine, but I still can't help but think - What if I had just told him to come home so we could talk about things? Or what if I hadn't argued so much with him during the 1st argument. I know this all probly sounds crazy to some one else, but I can't help but think if I tried more to keep the peace in the first place all this might not have happened. He has told me many times that our arguing plays a part in him getting high and some times I feel like I could maybe stop him from getting high if we didnt argue so much. I don't know if this is making any sense or not. Just tired of feeling like his choices and decisions are some how my fault and if I acted differently then he may have too (i.e. Not getting high). I have been driving myself crazy wondering if I had done something differently then maybe none of this would've happened. Thanks so much for listening. This sight has been so helpful during this time and you are all a WONDERFUL group of people with all your encouragement and support.

lc1972

Hello,

I am sorry for what brings you here. I will no longer not say me peace to my AH. I will not longer hold my tongue. I will not longer hold my feelings or emotions in. I do however chose the appropriate time and try to get my thoughts together first. I am not responsible for someone else going out buying drugs and doing them. This is a decision they make and they choose to blame on others. Which in my experience now they are very good at blaming everyone and everything else for what they are doing.

This has been posted many times

I did not CAUSE it
I cannot CONTROL it
I cannot CURE it

This site, counseling, reading and meetings are what get me through. I hope if you are not already doing all of them that you will consider trying. You are more important than his addiction.

Sending hugs out to you

Dignity

Hi Sarah, YOU are not the trigger that makes your guy get high. Seems to me that an addict can use any disagreement, a bad day or anything else he wants to go do his drug. Thats crazy.....he's just looking for any excuse he can find. Please get that out of your head right now and focus on all the good qualities you have. This is his problem and he has to control it.....Believe me~I know. I have jumped through hoops for the addict in my life (my son)) and he is still using. Breaks my heart and this has been a pretty down day for me too......

beautifulgirl

Hi Sarah, I think everyone on this site knows the cycle of addiction for loved ones of those addicted is very painful and we have all experienced it whether it has been our partners, our children, our siblings, or other relatives. We all feel your pain.

I understand the thought of the what ifs and the should've of, could ofs. The truth though is that we can try to stop them but if they are active addicts they will get it no matter what we do because their mind is telling them that they need it. Eveything else becomes non existent in their time of need. We cannot control it.

It is so hard to let go of the ones we love so it takes us longer to understand where they are, how severe their problems are, and that we cannot make them stop.

It is not that they do not love us. They do. They're mind is just stuck in the power of their addiction. We can't bring them back.

They can recover but only when they want to and even then they have to fight the urges for the rest of their lives.

You can only control you.

((HUGS))

Sarah8180

Thank you so much for your replies. As far as what I am doing for ME, I see a therapist weekly and am looking into attending F2F meetings. There is one on Monday nights that I really like (I have been there twice before), but the timing doesnt work well with childcare so I found another meeting on Fridays (when I am off) that I can attend while the kids are at school which I will try out this week. I have lots of self-help books, just need to find time to read them and I have been reading and learning all I can on-line. I must admit I DEFINITELY fell into the trap of thinking we and our situation were somewhat different. Sadly after all my research and study, I see it is an all too common theme. I would be lying if I didnt say I am honestly 100% more at peace then when he was here. This is the first time in our relationship that I am doing this and following through not to "teach him a lesson" or "make him sorry" for what he has put me through, but honestly because *I* have had enough and *I* need to take control over my life in order to be happy and whole once again. The hardest part of all is being pregnant right now and not knowing how all that will turn out (will I be raising this child alone with a deadbeat dad) but I have to trust that by doing what is right for ME and my children now, that will all fall into place when the time comes. Thanks again for all the support.

Sunshine2

If it is any consolation Sarah, I got divorced when I was pregnant with my first child. I went back to my XH a couple of times thereafter and it was MUCH easier raising my son on my own than it was in the atmosphere of fear and distrust when I was with his father. Raising a child on your own does have challenges at times, but still much easier than when I was with his dad. I fell pregnant with my 2nd child 10 years later when I was trying again with my XH and raised him alone too.

You will find the strength you need to raise your child, you always do.

CSHNow

I believe that disagreements and arguments are often provoked subconsciously (or not) by the addicted partners to actually (give) them a reason to get high. It somehow justifies what they do. My opinion only as far as I know.

Kindeyes

Sarah
Good to know that you are taking care of you. You are the only thing that you really have control of.

As you really begin your journey of self discovery and recovery, the "what if's" and "I shouldas" and "If onlys" melt away. They will be replaced with "I wills" and "I cans".

gentle hugs

barb dwyer

Hi Sarah-

SOunds strange to say this right now
but I'm excited for you
to be on a journey of discovery
that happens for all of us in recovery.

When I'm 'what iffing'
it's a clear sign

that I"m not in the moment.


WHen we go 'what if'
we're someplace else.
because what if doesn't exist
right here.

I keep myself busy when that hits.

tam

sarah..I often thought of the what if's and feeling I caued my AH to continue getting high as well..it took time for me to come to terms with the fact (thanks to this forum) that after 26 years of marriage I didnt cause his addiction. yeah I was arguementive, yeah I was angry, loving, supportive..yeah I tried everything in my power and I really tried to get him sober and he fought back now I ask myself, reverse this, they too do the same to us yet Im not getting high.so thats a lame excuse that addicts will use on us. no matter what you do or say, good or bad wont change him.
If anyone has a reason to get high it would be us, we suffered living with addiction as well..
I want to add, my husband told me that he has found a new "loving,caring" family and away from me (a mean person) yet he continues the pills, so
what does that tell ya?
keep helping you, keep taking care of you. once your in your own recovery you will know that you didnt cause this, you cant control it nor cure it.
hang in there! you can do it

MsPINKAcres

((Sarah))

I tried to find the old thread that we had here - many of the members posted the "excuses" that they had been given as to why the addicts used and relapsed . . .
(I couldn't find it but maybe I'll start a new one to help you out)

but no matter what they say - please know it has NOTHING to do with you!!

it's all in their own garden of self and their battle with the disease of alcoholism/addiction.

When I walked down that similiar path - wise people in recovery kept telling me - Nothing Changes if Nothing changes - If I wanted something Different - something healthier - I needed to do something different - something Healthier!!

Keep taking good care of you and remember YOU do deserve the respect, dignity and self-love!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Lunaaa

Believe me,it's not about you! it's him, it's his choices,nomatter what you do getting high will be his choice. I,myself ,kept trying for so long,each time i fail i tried harder,tried more,tried different ways,it became my obsession how to think of ways to help ,each time thinking that if i act and behave differently he will too..just like that ! all this time i couldnt realise that his using is not a reaction to what i do..it's the other way around,it's his addiction that provokes my codie reactions and causes me to try harder,does anyone understand what i'm trying to say? trying harder is so pointless because it's not about us,not about what we do,it's about them and what they choose. so believe me dont try so hard to control his addiction because it's out of your hands." when we try to have power where we have none,we get crazy " you'll get mad in the process of trying to change or control something you cant.Remember the 3 C's:
You didnt CAUSE it.
You cant CURE it.
you cant CONTROL it.

Sarah8180

Thanks so much for all the replies. I can at times see how I can't control this either way. But there are also times I have TRUELY convinced myself that if I just do or wouldve did X, Y, or Z, things will or would've turned out differently. I remember one time he said one of his friends said "Why would you stay with her when there is so much arguing and stress (due to HIS using, no less). Now you got high because of all the stress from being with her, when you WERE doing ok". I said to him "Really? Please tell me when exactly were you doing ok, cause I have only known you 2 1/2 years and you've been using on and off for almost *20*!". So on some level I know it's not me, just hard to have ACCEPTENCE that there is really NOTHING I can do to make this better (for me or him).

thequest

The 'what ifs' are my big weakness always second guessing and over thinking AND analyzing the forks in the road past and present.

I'd say move forward, keep moving forward and try to learn from those what ifs but don't over think em