Your opinions...help us decide....
 

So my 20 yr old AS is full blown back at it....
I want (and have wanted to) kick him out. When he leaves I would shut off his phone(owned by our business),which in turn he would have no job as he works for us....thus no money...
I know he is resourceful (and he does own his OWN vehicle) but I REALLY think this is best for him to hit his bottom...
MY SPOUSE wants to call his cousin who is a sheriff and have him threaten him /follow him...etc....
He really believes this is the best route and believes if we kick him out he will OD and die....
So today my spouse is going to contact a friend/customer we have that is a drug/addiction counselor and ask him this exact same thing...
He will get his opinion...I will get "all your" opinions...
Then it will be time to decide... He has agreed

Please help us out we are all "at the end of our ropes!"

Teresa

For me, I just knew when it was the right time to kick my AS out. Just a know-it-in-my-gut feeling. My son also worked for me, simply because no one else was prepared to put up with his unreliability, lies and cheating. I fired him before I kicked him out.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I'm afraid that I can't offer advice because I would then be taking some responsibility for the outcome. However, I can share my story as there are some similarities to yours in that many years ago, our son lived with us and worked for us. It was a double dose of he77 to have our work life and home life disrupted by addiction/alcoholism.

I found that when I began practicing the art of healthy boundary setting and getting my emotional responses under control, things began to improve for me. Our son had to spiral down to a point that I had accepted the possibility that we were going to lose him (death) to drugs and the lifestyle he chose. However, we did not have to create drama (like getting the sheriff to harrass him), he had the ability to create enough drama and legal problems for himself without our participation.

I love the way someone stated it in another thread:

Say what you mean (state your boundaries clearly)
Mean what you say (those stated boundaries are not negotiable)
Don't say it mean (keep the emotion and anger out of it)

Personally, in order to escape the insanity of my own behaviors (codependent and enabling), I had to read tons of books and literature, go to Alanon/Naranon meetings, and spend a great deal of time here on SR. It took me a very long time to finally realize that I did not control my son but I could control me. It took me a long time to let go and let God. It took me a long time to realize that my son had a higher power.....and I was not it.

I hope that whatever you decide to do will help you. I hope that your son finds his way towards sobriety. I will hold you all in my prayers.

gentle hugs from another Mom

Time for some tough love. Hard to do but sometimes necessary. Makes ya think that if perhaps someone had given many of us the proverbial smack upside the head we would not be here posting here today, not that I don't love ya'll.

For years, my parents and I butted heads over their enabling of my 32-year-old AD. It's difficult to say the least when all family members are not on the same page.

It is possible to love a child to death. I watched it happen where I live over a period of 25+ years.

They made sure their daughter was never without...always had a place to live, food on the table, transportation, and paid for over a dozen rehabs. They financed two different businesses that she ran into the ground over her cocaine addiction.

The last time I saw her alive, she weighed maybe 80 pounds sopping wet. She was only 50, but looked 70. She had lost all her teeth. She had numerous health problems. She died a few short months later.

Her father had been deceased for many years, so her mother was the one who got to bury her.

I know for me, decisions based on fear (ie, the addict will die if I kick her out) have brought me nothing but more pain and insanity.

I kicked my AD out many years ago after giving her a place to stay temporarily. She's a clever girl, and has managed to survive without my assistance. She's never been homeless for more than 24 hours.

I no longer attempt to control what she does/doesn't do. I no longer take a front row seat to her addictions.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

like kindeyes i certainly cannot tell you what to do but i do know that giving an addict anything that enables them to continue the addiction is not helpful - i did way too much of that - as subtle as it was - for my AS - and all that came of it was that his addiction progressed and mine did too - the only peace either one of us has found came after i turned him over to God - my son was arrested 24 hours after i gave him up to God completely - he is safe and sober and is getting lots of time to think and plan for a better life - by his own admission death was the only alternative to his arrest since he could not seem to get himself into rehab any other way - it is a scary thing to let him go but it is also a scary thing to help them continue their addiction- prayers for you as you decide what to do for your son -

I wonder how the parents' lives would have been different if they had not spent so much time and energy trying to keep their daughter afloat. (Their daughter, who was a grown woman, responsible for her own choices.) I can't help but wonder...how exactly was their daughter "helped" by their efforts? I don't see how they did...... ? :(

Like everyone else I can not advise you what to do. Your son is young but at 20 can make his own decisions..right or wrong. I wish I had found this iste when my son was 20. Surely would have helped me get to where I am alot faster. I'm sure you ,your husband and your friend can decide on what root to take here. I wish you all serenity as you go through getting your lives back on track. Its not easy..thats for sure.

An addiction counselor will tell you what's best for the addict and hopefully will ask what you're prepared to live with. Not as a couple, but as an individual. Motive was everything for me. I stopped enabling my daughter's addiction because I couldn't live with myself any longer. I was selling my soul to the devil, I was feeding the beast that was killing my daughter. I prepared myself to the best of my ability for whatever MY consequences might be.

My husband didn't agree and I told him he didn't have to, he has free will. I reminded him whatever he decided, it was 100% his to own forever.

.

Sadly, it is just as easy to overdose and die in the warmth of one's parents' home while caring parents are nearby in another room as it is to die on the streets. Unless you chain yourself to him 24-7, you can not stop him from using, or from overdosing. But if he lives with his choices and consequences, perhaps he will find his bottom.

Addiction knows no socio-economic barriers...One can overdose in a mansion as easily as an alleyway.

I hope you and your husband each find your way; I know how this eats away at us. :hug:

(((WIWorrier))) - we A's are very resourceful. I ran from the cops for quite a while...many times a day. Just because he has his own car, doesn't mean he's going to be WITH that car (we rent them out for dope), so you're husband's cousin is likely to get duped, and possibly put his job on the line.

I wouldn't have gotten into recovery, if my family had enabled me. Most likely, I'd be dead...just as my XABF is, from the addiction we shared (crack, and whatever else came along). There are far too many parents here, who have had their child OD in their homes, or close by.

I'm grateful my family said "enough..we love you but we're not going to tolerate this" and I was allowed to hit bottom, and find my way back up. My recovery is mine, but I owe a lot to the people who refused to enable me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy