lost17

I think of leaving every day, I feel like I will be deserting him, as he is in rehab and going on 30 days clean as of Friday, but I have also noticed as the days go by I seem to have less and less impact on him. I no longer hear "I miss you", or "can't wait to see you", I get fewer calls and I feel like when I do its to tell me what he needs from me, I feel constant pain, I cry atleast 5 times a day, and I am told I am a jerk for feeling jealous and having no trust but have heard nothing but lies for over a year. I guess I expected when he got clean he would see and try to make up for even if just by taking responsibility, but instead I sit and wonder if I even matter. I watched him say nice things about the 10 22yr old girls he now resides with, and not one thing about me at a family class we attended, why is it so hard to let go? I guess I hoped Id have my boyfriend back that loved me and our life, and I have been by his side through everything, he tells me I need to work on my codependance, which I am, but then constantly calls with what he needs or needs done, I control his cash flow right now, I have his car, and am the only person who shows up for him on family day, how do I do this?

lost17

The best part is he has been named "king" of the rehab, and is on this high and mighty road that I wasn't even sort of ready to handle after this past year of hell! I thought he would focus far more on recovery than on being the "cool guy" with the kids 15 years younger, I just don't get it.

lost17

I suppose I could drop it all off, he won't really get why. I didn't anticipate these feelings one bit, its terrible, and I feel bad that I am so negative, but I feel like at 36, the last thing that should worry him(or me atleast) would be impressing the kids there. He lived in an apartment, he asked me to close it out, contact the landlords and find a new one closer to his meetings....this was partly when I realized I am living a codependant life! I did it, all the while feeling sick over this whole situation

lost17

this is the first time in a rehab, he was aware I would not be there if he didn't go, he has gone to detox 5 times to get people off his back, at first he seemed to be very driven, now its all about who is there, how he needs all of them, how I need to basically just deal with going from an adult relationship, to a codependant relationship, to him being king of kiddie town, I know I don't sound supportive, I just again didn't expect this. Previously he lived with me, but I can't have my kids around his lifestyle, we tried 3 times and if I hadn't found the needles hidden I'd never have known for sure, so he has not lived with me for about 4 months

outtolunch

According to who? Him?

Sounds more like King Baby to me.

outtolunch

Sounds like you had some strings attached to all those nice things you did for him. Sounds like you were maybe running a hopeful fantasy that there would be a pay off at the end.

30 days clean is a blip.

Clean or not, he's all wrapped up in himself. Why settle for crumbs, like this?

outtolunch

He owns his addiction and recovery.

Do you need another big ole baby to support/wardon?

What's in this for you?

coffeedrinker

he wants you to work on your codependency means:

"get off my back, don't be such a control freak, stop being holier-than-thou you goody two shoes, why do you think you have all the answers, do you think this is easy, i hate hearing your whiney voice when you're all worried about me, stop treating me like a baby"

him asking you for stuff means:

"it's way easier to ask you to do stuff i should be responsible for, you love me and will do back flips for me, i am compromised, i need help, show your support by giving me this or paying for that"

he doesn't want the icky (for him) parts of your codependency; he does want the parts that pay off for him.

he wants it both ways.

Babyblue

He probably is adapting and so in the beginning they miss us but after a while, it becomes their way of life for a while so they adjust. The part about the 22 year olds is a bit odd and hurtful. What would happen if you don't go to family day visits? I like the suggestion of letting him manage his own affairs as well. Part of recovery is learning how to live life like the rest of us. Not leaning on others.

He may be 'clean' but that isn't the same as working on recovery. If he is there for other reasons than to change his life then it makes sense that he is sounding like a bit of an a-hole. But 30 days isnt a long time and they are pretty sick still and moody. This is when detaching and taking care of yourself starts to seem pretty nice doesn't it?