lightseeker

I would welcome any suggestions from you guys regarding my 17 year old son. Over the last year or so he has been regularly smoking pot. His father and I are divorced and although we try to work together we are not on the same page with everything. His dad was a major stoner and is seeming to take the approach that this is just what teenagers do.

One of my bottom lines is that I will not allow drugs in my home - let alone using them. Night before last I caught him using a bong in the bathroom. I have not decided on my course of action at this point - still trying to think this all through.

My son is a junior in high school and I know that I am not ready to kick him out. I am definitely being reminded that "I can't control it" so what do you do? I do not provide him with any money - which of course means that he is likely selling to support his habit. Right now I am just trying to keep the lines of communication open and not react without thinking it through.

I would really appreciate any suggestions from parents that have dealt with this with their "tweeners"

Thanks!

ZombieWife

Is there a program he can join? Since he's under 18, I would not be above using drug testing (especially with pot as that stays in the system much longer).

If you and your husband are not on the same page, though, then most everything you attempt will (more than likely) backfire.

Pot is a hard one. I smoked pot a little, I had friends who smoked pot, family who smoked pot (my parents both did--once a month or so). It's been decriminalized in a handful of places now. When I did it (and again, it wasn't a lot, just here and there), I would have laughed in someone's face if they told me how "evil" the drug was.

Keep in mind, this was in the past, as a younger person.

Now, I can appreciate your concerns, certainly. But, keep in mind that the minute he turns 18, he can leave home and smoke pot until the cows come home. And, chances are, he probably will--especially if he thinks it's okay, if "dad did it and it's okay," etc.

I've thought about this with my own child: "what would I do if I caught her doing this and she was not 18?" Well, I would simply treat it as you would "house rules." My house, my rules. I don't think anyone can argue with a teenager about pot because honestly? They'll think they know better, especially when it comes down to something like this.

No smoking pot in your house. No being high in your house.

I'm not sure what your boundaries can be at this point unless you want to look into having him put away in a treatment facility (which you can do until he's 18). You could start researching it. But, dealing with the, "well, it's not THAT bad" mentality from him (coupled with your husband not being 100% supportive), will probably make this a super bumpy road.

Sorry, mama.

Chino

You have a boundary but it doesn't look like you have a consequence. What consequences do you already have in place for your son, for bad grades, curfew violations, etc?

lightseeker

thanks ya'll.....I've been through a lot of boundaries and have followed through with consequences over this last year.... None of them have derailed his pot smoking though. I did make sure that the boundaries were only with consequences that I was willing to follow through on. Apparently, none of them are working so well. I requested that he not smoke in my house but did forget to include a consequence on that one. Not sure what I'm willing to do yet...still gathering my thoughts and ideas.

I do have a problem with ex-husband making boundaries and then not following through with them. It then turns us into a rowboat with oars in the water on only one side....makes things a bunch harder - especially since Dad is supplying his car.

His dad and I are meeting on Saturday to "discuss things"...his request but welcomed by me. My number one thing that I am asking is to please not make consequences that he is not willing to follow through on and I will not either. Luckily, Dad goes to Alanon but he just doesn't see pot as a big deal.

I've tried the drug testing and it is a truly iffy thing as many people on SR have warned. There are times that he has been able to skirt it with a negative test when he really has been smoking. The tests are definitely unreliable at best. I have a whole carton of them in my closet ready to use - only they don't seem to work.

There is a program that he can join (AA or NA) and we are going to have him go to 6 meetings. I am seeking info on different programs that are available for teens in my town (which is thankfully a large one and has some options).

I obviously need to sort myself out and get real about what I will and won't tolerate and what the consequences are. I stopped giving him any money so now he sells it to get what he needs to smoke and live. He's a resourceful little bugger.

His midterm grades come out in 2 weeks and that will help me better assess how it's all affecting his school work.

This is confirming what I've always thought.....it's bad enough when it's your spouse of BF using drugs but when it's your kid it's a whole new ball game.

I know that I'm not ready to turn him out on the streets.....I think that I need to go back to the drawing board and work on me some more.

hello-kitty

You have a very small window of time left where you have any control over your son. As soon as he is 18, he's free. He probably thinks he's free already, but maybe you can impress upon him the foolishness of his choices.

You might take him down to the local homeless shelter and have him do a little community service.

Set him up with an appointment to visit a drug counselor. The whole family (daddy included) should go so you can discuss boundaries and consequences.

Take away the keys to his car.

Take him to school, drop him off, and pick him up afterwards so he has no time to mess around.

Sit his butt down and have a serious talk with him about drugs - I think cynical posted a good one somewhere. I'll see if I can find it. It had to do with pot taking away peoples motivation and ability to get good jobs (because they can't pass drug tests), and that as the son of an addict, he runs a very very high risk of becoming one himself. Explain what gateway drug means - you start hanging out with losers who grow and deal pot. Those losers introduce you to other losers, who do stronger more dangerous drugs. If you are stoned your inhibitions are down, so you make bad choices, maybe end up trying some really bad drugs and getting addicted (like meth or crack). Even if you don't end up on stronger drugs, eventually being a stoner and partying takes highest priority in your life, and the important things like your future start taking second place. Also explain that addiction runs in his family so whether or not he likes it or realizes it, there's a good chance that pot could lead to addiction and the serious consequences that go along with it.

I think cynical said it better but you get the idea!

(I'm speaking from personal experience here by the way.)

outtolunch

Everyone I knew in highschool smoked pot. That was almost 40 ( yikes) years ago.

Some became stoners. Some went onto hard core drugs. Some died as a result of their lifestyle. Most turned out OK.

(I was not /am not into the stuff.)

Short of becoming his full time wardon, there is nothing you can do to stop him.
Even then..... where there is will, there is a way.

You can toss his room and elbow it into the duct work, even then.....

You can strip his room of everything, including the door, even then......

If you give him access to your car, you might want to consider withdrawing that privledge....even then......

If you have a garage, you might want to consider tossing him a ratty ole blanket and let him sleep on the concrete.....even then.....

You might want to haul his butt into the closet Police Station. If it's a slow day, an officer might be willing to communicate the potential legal consequences to him......even then....

No matter your leverage or what you do, or not, you have no control over him.
He owns it and the consequences, some of which you can impose, yourself. You may not be able to stop him, but you sure do not have to make it comfortable for him.

This is where your own hard work comes into play.

Accepting that you have no control over your 17 year old child is a humbling experience.

litehorse

it would seem i would have a lot to say because of the thousands of times i have said if i could just go back to a certain point in time and do things differently maybe things would not have turned out this way but outtolunch said it beautifully there are so many things you can try and as a parent i know you will try everything you think might help but in the end it is his choice and if he chooses to use he will use somehow - i will say this - at least you know right now what you are dealing with while you do still have a little bit of control over his life - do all you can to help him realize consequences - maybe that will sink in - but as outtolunch said - even then...my prayers are with you, your ex-husband and your son.

lightseeker

ya'll are all SO right. Although I know (with my mind) that I can't control it there has been this lingering hope in my heart (and as a mom) that I could ....even in just some small way.

But I can't. Out to Lunch...you are exactly right about no matter what I do he is still going to do whatever he is going to do. The thought that I still have any time left with him under my control is a complete illusion. I guess that last vestige of hope of controlling was the reason that I even posted this. The cat is already out of the bag.

I definitely will not do anything to make it easier for him but I'm not going to get in a war thinking that I can do anything that is going to make him stop if it's what he is going to do. At least he is willing to go to the 6 meetings without a big fight.

Out - you are so right about some people that try pot become stoners, some walk away from it and some become like my current husband (IV cocaine and crack abuser). You just don't know which it is going to be. If I knew which I was dealing with I could bettter chose which direction to go. BUT! Since I really don't know I lean into my recovery, keep the dialogue going, and pray.

He's met with a policeman, my friend that is a judge, he has walked through the trauma ICU, he has read "Letters to My Son", he's been kicked out of a camp, had lots of conversations with me/his dad ......and I'm right back where I was.... I can't control it if he really wants to do it.

I've found an Alanon meeting at a chemical dependency center that focuses on parents and I'm looking forward to that. I know to "up" my program and that I definitely am not alone with all of this.

I hope that I can be an example to all the moms out there that have young children and are dealing with a boyfriend or husband with substance abuse issues. When you raise a child in that environment you're modeling either how to live with an abuser or how to be one. Even though I know that I didn't cause this I definitely feel that I contributed to it...inadvertantly because I realize that you don't do better until you know better, but still......

You know, it's interesting to talk to my current husband about his experiences. He said that once he started smoking pot that it was already too late. There was nothing that his parents could have done that would have made him stop and changed the route that he was going to take.

Last semester I took a substance abuse course in my grad program and it was interesting to learn about the latest treatment ideas. Luckily, it's all the same....education, support offered for doing the next right thing, and not enabling.

Thanks for helping me through all of this. I'm working to keep my ears open and be led.

greeteachday

I know it is much harder when talking about a still minor child, but what I came to realize with my daughter was that, just like we say when talking about adult addicts and our relationships with them, the boundary is for us, not to control what they do. I don't think anything will derail him, and I suspect often the constant focus just makes them tune us out completely. I think it is great that you decided to sit back, think and then act, rather than react at the time and regret later.

I was once given an illustration of how the different things we do to help our kids sometimes are like dirt filling in a hole that keeps them from falling in (synonymous with not letting them find bottom) I do believe one of the kindest things we can do for our kids is to allow the natural consequences of their choices so they can learn. That sure seems possible without kicking him out (in your shoes, I wouldn't be ready for that extreme either). Sounds like you have a good relationship and have tried hard to expose him to an idea of what his choices may lead him to...Now he just has to figure that out for himself. You're a good mom doing the very best you can and don't you forget it.

Wascally Wabbit

I went through the same things. I laid down boundaries only to see myself "forget" them because I was so concerned with his well being, not wanting him out on the street, not wanting him to go to jail.
Did it help? It did NOT.

So, what could I have done different?

Well, the last time I had to go through all the shenanigans, I simply refused to get involved in his BS. I wound up tossing him out. He spent a year on the streets, then wound up in Jail for 9 months.
I thought I would surely go insane fearing for his life.
But, eventually he got out. He seemed to grow up in jail. He had met someone who really helped him in jail.
Now, he's a good kid, went to school and got a degree.

Looking back I know if I continued to baby him he would be worse off than ever, and I would be reduced to nothing more than a quivering mass of protoplasm.

Sure it was terrifying to watch his life go downhill, all the way down.
But he came back up.

I hope this brings you a little hope. You might have to step out of his way for a while.

invisigoth

Bong hits in the bathroom! holy $ h i t this kids got balls. I too was smoking pot when I was 17 but never in my mothers house. IMHO this is VERY disrespectful to you and some tough love may be in order I say throw his a$$ out 17 or not give him a taste of the real world.

Sunshine2

LS, I don't have any advice. I did a pretty bad job of it when I was in your situation. I took my son for drug councelling, shouted, took away ALL his privileges, tried to reason with him, ignored him and in the end nothing helped, just like OTL said. Teenagers being the rebellious beings they are, I think it made him want to do more.

I am a controlling type of person and I suffered a lot because this was the one thing I could not control (which in the end helped me a lot to learn to let go).

I sometimes wonder if I never found out he smoked pot and didn't get into a war with him about it, if it may not have been a passing phase. I will never know, but I do know I ruined our relationship in my efforts to stop my son's drug abuse.

As I said, I really have no adivice, but good luck.