in total shock

Old 01-11-2011, 05:20 PM
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in total shock

well well here I am thinking I was on the path to starting recovery with my AD.. boy was I wrong..... she got out of jail last night at 11:30 pm and I have yet to hear from her.. She got her bond reinstated and I posted another 150.00 to get her out with promises of going to rehab and starting school. she spent 28 days in jail and it was her first time I really really believed that she meant everything she was telling me what a fool I was... Her first thought when she got out was not her daughter that she has missed the past 4 months of her life no it was this guy, her friend (who btw was not there for her at all the whole month she spent in jail) and DRUGS... I believe I am in total shock never really knew what it felt like but I feel dead and just want to beat the **** out of her.. I hate to say that as a mother and it makes me feel even worse but right now I want her to hurt like I am and her daughter and my mother.. she lied straight to my mothers face and that I can not handle... I am so sorry to be so negitive I just feel dead inside and wish I could find a hole and burry myself in it... thanks for all who took the time to read this
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:23 PM
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I'm so sorry. I know it hurts, but she's only doing what addicts do. If you want to learn how to detach from her actions, how about finding an al-anon or nar-anon meeting in your area. You might really benefit from some face-to-face support from others who are going through the same thing you are.
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:28 PM
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I'm sorry, but I agree with ((Suki)) - she's doing what A's do. Since I'm both an RA and a recovering codie, I understand the wanting to beat the **** out of them (or knock some sense into their head) from the codie side. From the A side, I was addicted to the man as much as the drugs (as we did them together).

Meetings may help...they do for a lot of people. I tend to spend a LOT of time on SR, reading and learning, as well as posting.

I'm sorry for the pain of you, your mom and her granddaughter.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:58 PM
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You allowed yourself to be conned, again.

You allowed yourself to believe that there is something you could do to help her snap out of it, again.

Perhaps you still believe you can love her out of it. ( If only that were true, none of us would be here).

She is doing what addicts do and will treat people the way they allow themselves to be treated.

You can't control or cure her. You can however, control yourself and reactions. You are not her only option.

Next time, remember no is a complete sentance. No need to justify it cause then it turns into a negoitation. She knows what you want to hear and will play to it.

Take that cat food commercial song meow,meow meow meow and substitute no,no,no. no. Make it your personal mantra.

You are a terrific grandparent. That's more than good enough in anyone's book.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:02 PM
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Use this anger to get motivated to heal YOU..I agree that Alanon or Naranon would be great..I know it's helped me.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:41 PM
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Hi parent, We all seem to be in the same boat lately. I'm so sorry your daughter gas hurt you again. After one year of being drug free my son is now out there again using drugs. Its horrible but this time I have had no contact with him for over a month. We have helped and helped and its now time for him to find his way. I'm praying its another re-hab (but alot longer this time)))) Mines a long story but we have been conned also. I am going to an alonon meeting Thursday night and maybe you could find one around you. I am angrey also right now but I think we need to let go with love and let them find thier way....with no help from the parents. Except to rehab. Lots of hugs mom~~
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Old 01-11-2011, 07:37 PM
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I separated from my addicted EX and went no contact from him. My life and recovery has been a struggle at times. I use my recovery tools daily and I am learning how to live life a new way.

As hard as I feel I have it in my crawl to escape codependency, I can only imagine the pain and heartache a parent of an addict goes through.

I am so very sorry you have received this lesson to learn yet again. If you can, take solace in the knowledge that we only have to repeat the lessons of recovery until we take them in and really learn them. You will grow from this.

Keep posting, there are so many parents here who understand, and we are all here to listen and care.

Hang in.

Alice
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Old 01-11-2011, 07:45 PM
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I'm so sorry. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are learning. It's all about progress....not perfection.

It's very difficult but at some point we get our belly full of the addicts shenanigans. We get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Perhaps you are getting to that point. Then the motivation for your own recovery will help you make the tough decisions.

Just know that there are other parents on here who have been where you are and they are surviving. My recovery started as just a few minutes a day of serenity.....just a few precious moments. Then....a few more....then an hour.....then several hours. I found I could sleep again. I work really hard to maintain that serenity. It's a constant battle to keep from falling back into old behavior patterns. I found help with books, Naranon and SR. You can too.

Be gentle with yourself. Dust yourself off. And keep working on you......you're worth it.

gentle hugs
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Old 01-12-2011, 01:40 AM
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i also thought jail would be enough to for my AS - even 6 weeks - and it was a step toward recovery but it was not enough to get him through - he is locked up now for much longer - i wish i knew something that could be said that would help what you are feeling but there really isn't anything more than what has been said - she is doing what addicts do and the only thing you have control over is yourself - please use this as a step toward your recovery and give her an example of what that looks like - loving an addict is H-A-R-D especially as a parent because you have to do things that are completely opposite of what a parent wants to do - we want to help, give, provide, etc... but when we are dealing with addiction we can't do any of those in the "normal" ways - we help by doing nothing for the addict, we give nothing to the addict, and provide only one option and that is recovery - believe in yourself as a loving parent and take care of yourself and those who are depending on you - my prayers are with you and your daughter - blessings
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Old 01-12-2011, 04:48 AM
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If loving our addict children was all it took, we would have no addicts in this world.

Parentneedshelp: You have bottomed out on your daughter's addiction, and you made the mistake that she had bottomed out to the same degree that you did. That is something that I would say every single one of us here have done.

But now that you have bottomed out on this, it is your chance (and your responsibility!) to move into your own recovery even though your daughter is not yet there. It feels counterintuitive, but it is the best thing for you, your family, and your addicted daughter.

Keep coming back. There's lots of wisdom here. Pretty soon you will be passing that same kind of wisdom on to the newcomers who are struggling!
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Old 01-12-2011, 05:16 AM
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I am sorry that your daughter let you down it’s so confusing and frustrating. I think you received a lot of good choices you can make for yourself and for your granddaughter.

Al-anon -

Keep posting here - and venting, read the posts at the top of this page especially the one about “What addicts do”. Gain knowledge of their trails when they are in active addiction.

Most important, be gentle with yourself as you are learning and it takes a while for that knowledge to actually sink in. We often think “our addict” is unique, different then what others are posting about. Your daughter SHOWED you who she really is when in active addiction learn from this experience so moving forward you are better prepared to understand issues.

((((big HUGS))))
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Old 01-12-2011, 05:25 AM
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I can relate, parentneedshelp. I too have to watch an addicted daughter choose drugs over her 4 y/o daughter time after time. Her daughter is living w/me and it breaks my heart when she cries for her Mom. I also have dumbed tons of time and money into trying to "save" her. All I can do now is hold my grandaughter as she cries for her Mom and try to work on my own recovery, which is very difficult. However, the alternative of leaving her w/her using Mom is worse....so I hang in there and know this situation is the best I can offer to my grandaughter.
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Old 01-12-2011, 12:41 PM
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I don't know if it's OK for me to post here. I am myself an addict, the "enemy" camp, although of course I understand we are all on the same side. And I have lost my brother to the disease.

I don't know if this will help but have found that to understand my own problem even the merest little bit, I had to read the basic text of AA. The book is intended for family members as much as alcoholics/addicts.

The books says that the truth is we have no more idea why we do what we do than you do. It describes those of us rushing from jail cell to crack house, as "a baffled lot."

We give those who care about us -- and mostly ourselves - "any number of threadbare excuses" for our behavior. We THINK we mean those excuses too, but they don't make any sense "in light of the total destruction" caused by our disease.

We don't quite get that we do what we do BECAUSE we are addicted and there is nothing more to it. It's a complete, closed circuit. There's no opening, no wormhole for logic to reach in. The problem is impervious to logic.

I'm sure I don't need to describe "total desctruction" in this forum but imagine a Cocaine Anonymous meeting I went to. I saw men, mostly at this one, and I saw: crutches. Wheelchairs. Missing arms. Missing legs, Missing teeth. Can you imagine anything, ANYTHING, that would be so compelling a reason to you personally, any possible high or feeling, that could compel you watch your own teeth falling out? To stand up and see your severed limb on the ground - then rush out and do it again?

(losing my husband felt not unlike that to me - like someone was removing my heart and kidneys through my mouth.)

Survival is the primary instinct of any human being. If you go to some open AA meetings you'll very soon hear someone describe the mulitple times they have even technically died, repeatedly died, and been resucitated. Or if you could take a survey, Have you ever been suicidal as a result of the disease, I think you'd see about 90% of the hands raise.


So, I wonder for a relative, what "relative value" can you imagine there to be, then, in a relationship, any relationship, even the most sacred one of parent to child?

I can tell you: I did NOT create this. I didn't cause it. And I can't cure it either. I think the only c I see left above is control. I'm trying to do that. But most people like me, we can't and we die. That's the reality. Marcus Aurelius said if you want to understand something, ask first "what is it's nature?" -- and look it square in the face.

I accept that in this forum, the more salient nature of addiction is the way in which it causes pain to family members. And I learned in the rooms of AA that as an addict, I will never feel hurt as much as I have hurt.

Know that I still love and care deeply about how my actions affect my family.

I think it's Corinthians that says something about "I can speak in tongues of men and angles but without love I am nothing."
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Old 01-12-2011, 01:30 PM
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friday night- i think it is good that you posted this. i see to too that we are on the same side. at least we are pressed on the same coin, maybe on opposite sides.

having come to terms wit ha lot of things this week, i am able to get pastthe hurt caused by my alo, but the thing that has been affecting me mostly is something you touched upon- the basic inability to stop or control. what pains me the most is knowing you and other addicts wants to stop but cant. knowing that kind of pain hurts me more than the pain i suffered through. it is good to hear from an addict who says they have love for their family.
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Old 01-12-2011, 07:22 PM
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I don't know if it's OK for me to post here. I am myself an addict, the "enemy" camp, although of course I understand we are all on the same side.
It's perfectly ok for you to post in this forum. Personally, I learned more about my own recovery from recovered addicts. They were the ones who convinced me that my son's best chance for recovery had nothing to do with me trying to control or convince him. It was addicts in recovery who helped me see that I needed to change me. So....no.....you are not in the enemy camp. There is but one enemy.....and that is drugs/alcohol that steals our loved ones from us.

Your post was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

gentle hugs
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Old 01-12-2011, 08:17 PM
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That's why my first step, and yours, are both about control, only they use the word powerlessness. Finding yourself powerless has almost nothing to do with how much you WANT to be well. Two separate mental processes.

Ever tried to dive off a high diving board? You can really really want to, can want to be in that water, but doesn't mean you won't think yourself into a corner and be unable to get out of your own way.

My denial, it's instinctual. Everything in me fights being mentally ill because I'm mentally ill (another one of those closed circuit things) My illness tells me I'm not sick -- If I am not sick I must be well, must not really need the castor oil. If I don't take the medicine, the disease lives. This is the whole "surrender to win" thing. I can't win until I lose.

As for me, so far I just can't lose.....

I've learned that for me surrender is NOT an action. I cannot manufacture this mental state. I've tried and tried to behave my way into it. I can't.

I think it's because I DO want it so bad, becaue I try so hard, that I fail. In my case I think it's the action itself that means I'm still controlling.

This is why addicts get instructions to be still and either pray or meditate. The expression is let go and let god.

so far words not in my vocabulary, to let go. I am more the type to, oh, say, spend every waking moment for 10 years micromanaging every facet of my mood and how much anybody anywhere knows about that.

I have this excess of thoughts-energy, this tendancy to obsess about every little TINY thing. Classic alcoholic personality. I drove me so crazy, I deiberately began anesthetizing myself. See how much I'm writing? Aren't I driving you a little crazy RIGHT NOW?!

In my personal case, I think there's a control issue in being the architect of my own prison; if I do it to me, I know that no one has or will or can.

I notice this very autistic quality to my addiction, Maybe it started there, a pattern from childhood - weird solo mission of self stimulation in the absence of normal healthy stimuli and it just kept on until it found the perfect instrument - slogan: "It knocks you out like a sledghammer but feels like a pillow."

Being stoned sure made being alone behind my bunker feel like a preference instead of a rejection. I just never thought I'd get stuck there.









.

Finding yourself powerless is the rerequisite and it's

It seems true that the majority of addicts and alcoholics do die from the disease - and die badly - after long suffering. We can safely assume these men and women would have preferred getting well, and chosen to live if they had ANY choice.

On the other hand, witness the miraculous percent who get well. The ones I meet say "Do exactly as I say, do exactly as I did." If I understand my own powerless, if I surrender to it, I am gonna grab this life preserver. But you can't manufacture your own powerlessness no matter HOW much you want to.
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Old 01-13-2011, 08:08 AM
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well I woke up today pissed.. not sure if this is where i need to be but i really believe that I have hit my rock bottom. did not know that I also had to hit rock bottom before I can even start to try and help my AD... I have taken steps to cut off all communication with her text her and told her that I will always love her but I cannot keep going down this path. When she can show me that she really wants help I am more than willing to help but until she has been in a rehab center for at least a month do not call or contact me what so ever. I am not for sure this is the correct step but I think its what I need to do to protect myself and my other children and of course my granddaguther... As for Fridaynight thank you so much for your input it does help me try and understand an addict a little bit more. I have alot to learn thats for sure cause i was one of the ones who read post and thought wow they have it so much worse than me at least my AD has learned on her first go around not that I thought me or my AD was better than other people just thought I had more control over her (dumb way of thinking) but I am learning and will contiune to learn whatever tools I need to get through this and have a normal life. Again thank you all for your support cause there is noway I would be where I am today without all of your support....
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Old 01-13-2011, 07:05 PM
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Good for you, sweetie! I know it has to be hard, but I think you're doing the right thing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-13-2011, 07:27 PM
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Cool Parentsneedhelp

I am new to the web site but not new to 12 steps or living with an addict, first my husband then my step-daughter. It took me some time but I finally realized that I had no control over their addiction but had control over my own life. It was at this point I had to ask my husband to leave. Basically my mantra became: If you want to live your life with drugs that's ok but it's not a life I want and won't be a part of. No became a big part of my life w/out further explanation.

I can't stand how chaotic my life feels when I'm around addicts/alcoholics so I choose not to be around them. It wasn't easy but Al-anon was a tremendous help.
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Old 01-14-2011, 08:24 AM
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It took me many years and more than one bottom to finally truly let go of my AD.

You are not alone, dear!
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