Need Feedback on How I Enforced a Boundary

Old 01-10-2011, 08:42 PM
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Need Feedback on How I Enforced a Boundary

I told my best friend that for me to be able to remain in his life I needed to set boundaries. They included not being around him when he was under the influence or had the potential to be, not being around his friends who he has used with (who are also still actively using and have a history of encouraging his relapses), and not listen to him talk about these friends.

This weekend we were supposed to go to a small concert at a friends. After he got off work he said that he had a bad day and did not feel like going, but I should enjoy it with our friends. A few hours later while we were at the concert, he then texted me to say that a friend I do not feel comofrtable around had cheered him up and he wanted to know if it was okay if the two of them came to the concert.

Several boundaries were pressed with that. I replied that he knew what I was comfortable with. He said he didn't know why it was a big deal since it was a concert and there would be other people around, and was it my honest opinion that it would be awkward. I am done with telling someone to do/not do something, so I replied he could do whatever he liked. He then said that he would not be going even though he really wanted to because of my response. Luckily I had a very supportive friend with me who said that if by chance he did show up that we could leave.

The next evening my friend sent me a text saying that I had been very unfair and that he was disappointed. I replied that I felt the same and did not appreciate my feelings being disrespected. He got angry, denied disrespecting my feelings by testing my boundaries, and told me that just because I don't like his friends doesn't mean I should take a "you know how I feel approach" because that was cruel and unfair to him. I said that texting would not solve in any issues and that if he wished to discuss it I would do so on the phone. He then said he was too angry to talk to me and that he would talk to me in a few days. I've left it at that.

It really came out of no where that I was suddenly to blame? I asked my supportive friend their opinion and they think he is just trying to manipulate me by acting like he is hurt/angry/whatever. How did I handle enforcing my boundaries? This is the first time he has tested one. Is anger a common reaction when you stand up to someone for your boundaries?
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Old 01-10-2011, 09:07 PM
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You stated a boundary, then when challenged you came up with a plan B if you needed it (leaving). I'd say you did just fine

Yes, anger and manipulation is a common reaction. You're no longer maintaining the status quo and he doesn't like that. Be prepared for him to test you again.
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Old 01-11-2011, 05:58 AM
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From my experience in recovery
"you can't set healthy boundaries and be concern with OTHER peoples reactions or feelings to your boundaries"

Boundaries are for taking care of ourselves, not others!

what's the use in having a boundary if we have to keep changing it to make others happy?

Keep taking care of you and step away from the anger, manipulation and control - You deserve healthier and happier friends!

PINK HUGS!
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:24 AM
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I like a definition I heard about detachment, to paraphrase.

"We set a boundary. What we detach from is the other person's reaction to our having set that boundary. "

Anger is a common reaction on the other person's part. Also the phrasing your friend used is very common ("what's the big deal," telling you he's not going because of your response). Labeling you as "unfair, cruel, disrespectful" is also common. I swear, there is a web site somewhere where people go to get these phrases because they are used universally!!

Hang in there. Find the poem "My Life in 5 Chapters." Each chapter begins, "Im walking down the street and I see a hole." I used to see it circulating at Alanon meetings. You might find yourself in one of the chapters.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:33 AM
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There is nothing wrong with stating a boundary and enforcing it.

Boundaries are to protect ourselves psychologically, emotionally and physically. Enforcing those boundaries has to be within our control as well. Your other friend suggested an exit plan. That is a great way to enforce a boundary. You can't stop someone from going somewhere but if you get uncomfortable with the situation, you CAN remove yourself. That is a great way to firmly hold your boundary without trying to control another person.

gentle hugs
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Old 01-11-2011, 10:39 AM
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Next time, try to remember that "No" is a complete answer. You don't owe him anymore explanations. He's just doing what addicts do - pushing boundaries. And he's getting a response that he didn't expect - your standing up for yourself. He doesn't like it so he's trying to manipulate and make you feel bad.

Like I tell my 5 year when he tries to argue with me about my boundaries when it comes to his behavior, "I love you too much to argue. I'm taking a time out now. Feel free to go to another room in the house." And when he pushes, I just repeat it over and over and over until he just walks away in frustration.

You can please some of the people some of the time, none of the people all of the time but the only way you can please an addict, is when you give them what they want.
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Old 01-11-2011, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
you can please some of the people some of the time, none of the people all of the time but the only way you can please an addict, is when you give them what they want.
love this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 01-11-2011, 12:29 PM
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i am aweful at boundaries which is why i have kept myself stuck. i think you did a good job because you showed that you were serious and that you could not be easily swayed. as for hte response, i'd say that is typical. i see my addict asa spoiled little kid. if she doesnt get what she wants when she wants it, she gets angry, throws fits, temper tantrum stuff. if i don't give into that, which i no loger do, she changes her approach and becomes nice. if that doesn't work, she goes back to the anger saying that she is mad because she tried being nice and i still wont give in. i dont know if you watch south park at all, but there is a spoiled bratty kid- cartman. he wants to go to another kid's birthday party but the other kid tells cartman he will not invite him because cartman is a jerk. so cartman show up the next day at he kids house wearing nice clothes and his hair is combed nicely. the other kid answwers the door and cartman just stand there. there is silence. the kid says- cartman you are wearinga nice sweater, that does not make you nice, i am not inviting you. cartman is baffled. he doesnt understandthe difference. he figures out how to act nice to please the other kid, who eventually conceeds only to find out cartman is still a jerk and only pretended to be nice. the kids in this cartoon are in 5ht or 6th grade. addicts act like they are the same age.

here's another one since i am rolling. my addict was given $80 from a family member. she was proud to offer me some of it to help me out since i had bee ngiving her so much. she insisted i take it and i thought if it makes her feel good, i'll take it. she gave me $30. i put $15 of gas in my car and 15 in my niece's car. she said she was glad to give it and was happy me and my niece both had some gas. she spent the other 50 on drugs. the next day she asks for 10. i said i dont have any money. she said, i just gave you 30 last night. i said, right and i spent it all on gas. her reply was, well then why cant you just get 10 from the bank. i said just because you gaveme 30, doesnt mean that money shows up in my account. again she didnt get it.

on a similar note, one time we were scrapping up money to keep her from getting sick. she needed $20. i had to count change to make it happen, she tossed in th30 cents she had in her pocket. i managed to make it to 20. she told me in the sweetest voice how she was trying to contribute by giving the 30 cents. then she mentioned it later too, like that was a major contribution.

i guess my point is, they will get angry or any way they feel will help them get what they want.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:23 PM
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This sounds more like you are trying to control your friend than setting boundaries for yourself.

You have no control over him. He is free to go under the influence, hang out with anyone he chooses and talk about his friends. This includes showing up at a concert with his friends, assuming the host does not mind or it's a public venue.

If you don't want this to be a part of this, take responsibility for yourself and remove yourself from the situation.

We all have the potential of going under the influence of something. Short of living in a cave, not sure how one isolates from other people's potential behaviors.
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Old 01-11-2011, 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted by steve1840 View Post

....on a similar note, one time we were scrapping up money to keep her from getting sick. she needed $20. i had to count change to make it happen, she tossed in th30 cents she had in her pocket. i managed to make it to 20. she told me in the sweetest voice how she was trying to contribute by giving the 30 cents. then she mentioned it later too, like that was a major contribution.
I will not give her a cent is a boundary.

The rest is noise.
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Old 01-12-2011, 06:35 PM
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i guess i agree with outtolunch here.

i get what you are trying to do, but it sounds - for one, complicated: how do you know this friend is soon to have the potential to be under the influence? i mean, do you have to assess where he is, what money he's spending, who he's with, look at his pupils.....

for two, crazy-making: see number one.

for three, controlling.

i understand having a good, good friend who is an addict. and....easy for me to say..... but i think if we are going to choose to be in relationship with a non-recovering addict, well then we are going to be around their addict crapola. it just comes with the territory.

he was being manipulative and acting like he didn't get it, on the night of the concert. but, again, that just comes with the territory. it's like us expecting a five-year-old to behave like a 20-year-old. he simply cannot.
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Old 01-12-2011, 08:11 PM
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The thing with boundaries and addicts is that they agree to them, but will push very hard against them. It's up to us to enforce them, and for there to be consequences if those boundaries are crossed.

If we allow someone to cross the line, they realize we don't mean a word we say.

Sounds like you got a handle on the boundary thing!
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