i need help defining love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Albany, IN
Posts: 20
i need help defining love
Love is patient ,
love is kind
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud
It is not rude ,
it is not self -seeking,
it is not easily angered
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects ,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
I corinthians 13 4-7
ok, so this is the definition of love i am familiar with.. but if certain aspects are missing does this mean we dont have love? is it possible to have perfect love? how do we apply this to love for ourselves? would it be safe to say that if someone 'loves' us and is missing more than one of these that they do really love, just havent cultivated this? is it ok to love someone that does not show love in all these areas?
i know this is a lot of questions just hoping to get others perspectives as this has obviously been an issue for me.. i often find someone that says they love me but their love is missing something important and not able to see it or just doesnt care and the relationship doesnt work
love is kind
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud
It is not rude ,
it is not self -seeking,
it is not easily angered
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects ,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
I corinthians 13 4-7
ok, so this is the definition of love i am familiar with.. but if certain aspects are missing does this mean we dont have love? is it possible to have perfect love? how do we apply this to love for ourselves? would it be safe to say that if someone 'loves' us and is missing more than one of these that they do really love, just havent cultivated this? is it ok to love someone that does not show love in all these areas?
i know this is a lot of questions just hoping to get others perspectives as this has obviously been an issue for me.. i often find someone that says they love me but their love is missing something important and not able to see it or just doesnt care and the relationship doesnt work
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I've been sort of asking myself the same question. Someone can say 'I love you' and it sounds so convincing to me. Then if that is the case, why do I sometimes feel like an afterthought? I decided that it is about a person's capacity to love. Or not knowing really that love isn't just about expressing it, it is about doing things with love and as a reflection of their love.
What is the good in thinking about how much I love someone if I am unable to show them? Love to me, in itself IS perfect. But the expression or lack of expressing (showing it) is what falls short, or he is inconsistent. That is where I get frustrated, and feel hurt sometimes. Because it is easy for me to love once I decide that is what I'm going to do but getting to that point takes me a long time of trusting that the other person so if it isn't returned in kind, I feel like it isn't appreciated.
So I struggle. I hate being taken for granted but I also know that being manipulative and expecting it back the same way from someone who does not have as big of a capacity is unrealistic.
I can only protect myself and my heart. Dealing with addicts or alcoholics though, seems to throw all that I thought love was about out the window. Because even in recovery, their capacity is so limited. So I am setting myself up for a world of hurt if I apply the 'normal' parameters of sharing love with the RABF.
If I get impatient and demand things, things he cannot give me, then he'd feel guilty and awful and that isn't the goal. How is it he can call me after days of no contact and act like we just saw one another that morning? Still loving and sweet and I think to myself.. 'what the hell??' like my heart is some revolving door. Then he'll admit the reason he didn't call is he ran out of minutes. (sigh) It really really annoys me but then I say, well if I love him as I claim I do then should it matter if I can't hear from him for 4 weeks but that when he does contact me he tries his best.
A good friend who understands addiction explained it to me this way: loving them is like filling up their gas tank freely and to capacity. But then not expecting that they will fill up your tank. In fact, they may only be able to put in a quarter of a tank of gas. So it is up to me to fill up my own tank because if I rely on him to fill it up, I will run out for sure.
Lucky for him my car is great on gas. But I don't think that my gas station should be open 24/7 anymore for him to fill up whenever he'd like. That is where being kind to myself comes in.
In answer to your question (finally huh?) I think it is OK to love someone that does not show love in all areas; it doesn't mean that they don't have that love, they just don't have the emotional tools to show it or know how to show it. Unrealistic expectations will set you up for disappointment again and again.
What matters to me most is that when the love is expressed by that person, within their ability, that it IS sincere and real. It is a huge emotional burden to expect that someone else will always meet your needs, esp someone who has so many problems in dealing with emotions (like addicts do). They may not see the gaps that hurt us sometimes but I don't think they don't care.
Besides, there are plenty of people without addiction problems who have a very hard time with love or showing it. My son's dad (non-addict) makes my RABF look like Pepe LePew by comparison. So there ya go.
What is the good in thinking about how much I love someone if I am unable to show them? Love to me, in itself IS perfect. But the expression or lack of expressing (showing it) is what falls short, or he is inconsistent. That is where I get frustrated, and feel hurt sometimes. Because it is easy for me to love once I decide that is what I'm going to do but getting to that point takes me a long time of trusting that the other person so if it isn't returned in kind, I feel like it isn't appreciated.
So I struggle. I hate being taken for granted but I also know that being manipulative and expecting it back the same way from someone who does not have as big of a capacity is unrealistic.
I can only protect myself and my heart. Dealing with addicts or alcoholics though, seems to throw all that I thought love was about out the window. Because even in recovery, their capacity is so limited. So I am setting myself up for a world of hurt if I apply the 'normal' parameters of sharing love with the RABF.
If I get impatient and demand things, things he cannot give me, then he'd feel guilty and awful and that isn't the goal. How is it he can call me after days of no contact and act like we just saw one another that morning? Still loving and sweet and I think to myself.. 'what the hell??' like my heart is some revolving door. Then he'll admit the reason he didn't call is he ran out of minutes. (sigh) It really really annoys me but then I say, well if I love him as I claim I do then should it matter if I can't hear from him for 4 weeks but that when he does contact me he tries his best.
A good friend who understands addiction explained it to me this way: loving them is like filling up their gas tank freely and to capacity. But then not expecting that they will fill up your tank. In fact, they may only be able to put in a quarter of a tank of gas. So it is up to me to fill up my own tank because if I rely on him to fill it up, I will run out for sure.
Lucky for him my car is great on gas. But I don't think that my gas station should be open 24/7 anymore for him to fill up whenever he'd like. That is where being kind to myself comes in.
In answer to your question (finally huh?) I think it is OK to love someone that does not show love in all areas; it doesn't mean that they don't have that love, they just don't have the emotional tools to show it or know how to show it. Unrealistic expectations will set you up for disappointment again and again.
What matters to me most is that when the love is expressed by that person, within their ability, that it IS sincere and real. It is a huge emotional burden to expect that someone else will always meet your needs, esp someone who has so many problems in dealing with emotions (like addicts do). They may not see the gaps that hurt us sometimes but I don't think they don't care.
Besides, there are plenty of people without addiction problems who have a very hard time with love or showing it. My son's dad (non-addict) makes my RABF look like Pepe LePew by comparison. So there ya go.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
i understand your questions - i have had many of the same ones - God is the perfect example of love - i think we falter in various areas because of our imperfections - we may be strong in one area and weak in another on one day and the next we are stronger in a different area but we continue striving for the perfection of God's love - and whatever anyone else does is their journey not ours - their journey will affect us but we have no control over it - love is not for sissies
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by iloveanaddict 
ok, so this is the definition of love i am familiar with.. but if certain aspects are missing does this mean we dont have love?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
