Please give some perspective
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1
Please give some perspective
Hi All,
I am not sure where to start. I am in a very long term relationship with an addict who basically lived a double life for as long as I knew him. I never knew of the problem because he hid it so well. ( I know hard to believe, but it blind sided everyone ) It was only when I finally caught him that the addiction came to light. Now I stuck saying now what? I am scared, I don't know what to do. My husband is now in a 12 step program and seeking counseling. He will be 10 weeks sober tomorrow. I understand I can't control if he relapses or not. Nothing I say or do will stop him if he chooses to go back. What do I have ahead of me if I stay? Do I stay or go? I have two little kids at home and I am terrified of the mental damage that this may have already done to them. If I am automatically co dependent what does that mean for my children, and what does it mean for me? Is it even possible to have a happy marriage with a addict in recovery or who is recovered? It is hard to make an intelligent decision for my kids when I have no clue what to even expect. When can I trust that he is really into the recovery process? I am sorry I am rambling and clearly desperate. I just have so many questions and concerns.
Thank you for your time
I am not sure where to start. I am in a very long term relationship with an addict who basically lived a double life for as long as I knew him. I never knew of the problem because he hid it so well. ( I know hard to believe, but it blind sided everyone ) It was only when I finally caught him that the addiction came to light. Now I stuck saying now what? I am scared, I don't know what to do. My husband is now in a 12 step program and seeking counseling. He will be 10 weeks sober tomorrow. I understand I can't control if he relapses or not. Nothing I say or do will stop him if he chooses to go back. What do I have ahead of me if I stay? Do I stay or go? I have two little kids at home and I am terrified of the mental damage that this may have already done to them. If I am automatically co dependent what does that mean for my children, and what does it mean for me? Is it even possible to have a happy marriage with a addict in recovery or who is recovered? It is hard to make an intelligent decision for my kids when I have no clue what to even expect. When can I trust that he is really into the recovery process? I am sorry I am rambling and clearly desperate. I just have so many questions and concerns.
Thank you for your time
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
First off, try to breathe! We learn in our recovery to stay in the now, and not awfulize about things that MIGHT happen, but are in the future.
You are entirely normal, discovering the facets of addicts that slam us upside the head with surprises. It's a lot to take in, this whole new reality, so we tend to progress in little bits, and not throw all the information at you at once.
The great news is you have found a perfect place, here at SR. There are loads of folks who have been in your shoes and who UNDERSTAND.
I'll keep this note short, and more will be along shortly to chime in. In the meantime, check out the "sticky" posts at the top of the list of "Friends and Family of Substance Abusers" topics for some great information.
I've had a few people close to me who are addicts/alcoholics, and this place was a lifesaver, along with alanon and naranon - free local support groups for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts - to learn about their twisted worlds.
Read around, and do come back and make yourself at home to post with specific questions you may have or to vent your frustrations! Believe me, we understand. It's a process, learning our way around addiction.
I'm sorry what has brought you here, but you have found one of the best places for support!
Welcome!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 105
Welcome llship~~ its a long road but if your husband is serious about recovery he can do it. There may be slips along the way but yoou'll know. You don't have to make life decisions right now. As long as he is trying~~good for him. You and your children are very important in your decisions......His actions will show you alot. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I chose my screen name back when, because I must have been "out to lunch" and did not realize my daughter was an addict.
I never thought I had a codependent bone in my body until I learned the truth about my daughter. Then I made up for lost time in the codependency department. The more I focused on her problem and controlling the outcome, the less I focused on myself, the slippery slope.
Reestablishing trust is a challenge. I remind myself daily that we are all one lousy decision away from ruining our lives. Words tend to be meaningless.
Pay attention to actions, your husband's and your own.
I never thought I had a codependent bone in my body until I learned the truth about my daughter. Then I made up for lost time in the codependency department. The more I focused on her problem and controlling the outcome, the less I focused on myself, the slippery slope.
Reestablishing trust is a challenge. I remind myself daily that we are all one lousy decision away from ruining our lives. Words tend to be meaningless.
Pay attention to actions, your husband's and your own.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I'm living with my Recovering Addict Husband. An "addict marriage" can survive, but it's really hard work. There are times when I do contemplate how much easier (and more peaceful) my life would be if I was just a single mother. But, we're hanging in there. It's a day at a time process for him (alone), for me (alone) and for us as a couple. Therapy has been invaluable to me.
For every year he was using (unbeknownst to me for a long time), it feels like it takes us tenfold that amount of time to rebuild what's been broken.
One thing that I have realized through therapy is that until I truly believed that my spouse "got it" in terms of the damage/harm/pain he caused me, we could never move ahead as a couple. I had to believe that he understood that pain and when he and I made that breakthrough as a couple, it was like a huge weight was lifted. Up until that point, I never truly believed that he understood just what I went through. Now that I see that, I feel like I can release a lot of junk.
It's different for everyone, though. If you work through it together honestly and with a common agenda (to get better, to become a healthy couple/parent), you will certainly have your own breakthroughs as well.
Sorry for the Reader's Digest version of a pep talk here. I just wanted to relay to you that it can work under the right circumstances. I still don't know (100%) if we have those perfect circumstances in our recovering marriage, but it feels like we're on the right track.
Light and love.
For every year he was using (unbeknownst to me for a long time), it feels like it takes us tenfold that amount of time to rebuild what's been broken.
One thing that I have realized through therapy is that until I truly believed that my spouse "got it" in terms of the damage/harm/pain he caused me, we could never move ahead as a couple. I had to believe that he understood that pain and when he and I made that breakthrough as a couple, it was like a huge weight was lifted. Up until that point, I never truly believed that he understood just what I went through. Now that I see that, I feel like I can release a lot of junk.
It's different for everyone, though. If you work through it together honestly and with a common agenda (to get better, to become a healthy couple/parent), you will certainly have your own breakthroughs as well.
Sorry for the Reader's Digest version of a pep talk here. I just wanted to relay to you that it can work under the right circumstances. I still don't know (100%) if we have those perfect circumstances in our recovering marriage, but it feels like we're on the right track.
Light and love.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
llshep
Welcome to SR.......I'm glad you found us but as always, I'm so sorry for the reason that brings you here.
You have a lot on your plate right now and it's a lot to digest.
It's not unusual for us to feel like our world is spiraling out of control when we discover our loved one is addicted. There are a lot of tools you can collect from some great resources to help you through this. Some of those resources have already been mentioned--Alanon or Naranon. Just as the addict needs to be in recovery, we also need help to survive......we need recovery too.
Information and knowledge is power. The more we understand addiction, recovery, enabling and codependence, the better equipped we'll be to manuever through the pitfalls.
SR is a great resource. There are a lot of folks here who have been where you are and have survived. The one really important thing that I learned from Naranon is that I can be happy.....whether my loved one is using or not.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR.......I'm glad you found us but as always, I'm so sorry for the reason that brings you here.
You have a lot on your plate right now and it's a lot to digest.
It's not unusual for us to feel like our world is spiraling out of control when we discover our loved one is addicted. There are a lot of tools you can collect from some great resources to help you through this. Some of those resources have already been mentioned--Alanon or Naranon. Just as the addict needs to be in recovery, we also need help to survive......we need recovery too.
Information and knowledge is power. The more we understand addiction, recovery, enabling and codependence, the better equipped we'll be to manuever through the pitfalls.
SR is a great resource. There are a lot of folks here who have been where you are and have survived. The one really important thing that I learned from Naranon is that I can be happy.....whether my loved one is using or not.
gentle hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
