wicked

yeah, but i think i am getting it!
i thought , and then you wrote it.
okay, maybe i am in trouble.
LOL

Callie

and then I do ask myself,

What would suki do?

She along with Freedom, CO, ANvil, Outto, Hello Kitty, KJ and MANY on the SA boards - now have dentures because they ground their teeth down to nubs. ALL the while, cussing me AND silently holding my hand.

BUT I thank them so much for all of their help. Even though a year ago, I was cussing them right back. BUT (Steve, cough, cough). I STILL had open ears. Maybe grab some q-tips and come back and LISTEN instead of just putting headphones on and posting without listening. We ARE here to help eachother.

Freedom1990

Nah, my teeth were already ground to nubs from my days of active addiction.

We all have our own paths to walk, and I've said it many times. I am a slow learner.

Callie

I've said it many times. I am a slow learner.

Amen sister, but you've gotta hear and be open to the word before it can change you. I too am a stubborn chick, but open and willing to hear other avenues. The OTHER avenues are what helped me. For sure you had me in tears MANY times with the PM's and reality of my situation. But. I still heard you, cussed you and respected you @ the same time.(Steve, do you hear us at all??) BUT my situation was different. Yours wasn't the same. 'MY' addict was different. ... ....

Yea, he was. He was worse than I imagined. Thank you again SR, the hard a$$es AND softies. I needed you both.

keepinon

Has anyone noticed that Steve's threads get the most responses?

Sunshine2

Steve, it seems to me you are so caught up in the details of her addicted life that you cannot see the bigger picture.

This may be why when you remove yourself from her (and the details), you get to see the bigger picture and you give yourself a chance for recovery.

Going on and on about the details of her life means nothing. It is no different than the details of the life of every other addict.

sailorjohn

This is probably something you've read here before, but I believe it's worth repeating-once.

She's not really listening to your words, she's paying attention to your actions.

As long as you engage her, she thinks there's a chance that you will change your mind.

If you truly love her, you will let her go.

Good luck.

kiki5711

we're getting addicted to Steve!

steve1840

Ha- addicted to Steve, i'm not sure what i think about that!

i apologize if it seems that i do not read and hear the replies. hearing them is one thing, understanding is another, and action is yet another. i am a bit slow when it comes to opening my eyes to the reality of addiction. and i am slower at being able to do what is best.

last night i really felt in my heart that i need to do as you all have suggested. not even because you suggested it, but because that is what i feel. then this morning i hear a message on my landline that basically said she gets out tonight. tonight i am having dinner with my family and thats that. but i dont know how to say no. i dont know how to say you cannot stay the night even though it is cold and supposed to snow.

i am also starting to understand that i guess i have thought my addict was different. maybe i didn't accept that she was a full blown addict and thought there was still a chance for her to get out before she got too deep.

i am hearing that your addicts all said the same kinds of things and made it all sound sincere and convincing?

as for the possibility of getting out of jail, how have you coped with not answering calls or not letting them staythe night?

i hope they keep her for a while.

and just to let you all know- i DO try to hear the words and i DO appreciate every reply and post- hard or soft, they all help andi am thankful for SR.

steve1840

i dont think everyone wants to fix me sooooo bad. i think people are trying to help me fix myself.

with the help of this board i have gained insight into the world of addiction.

i will refrain from commenting about my comprehension of the English language and how it is used.

Sunshine2

You do know how to say know. It is easy. NO. You don't want to say know.

kiki5711

I don't really think Steve is a project to fix for co-dependants. There are plenty threads to thrive on to supply that need.

What I see here is that people can relate to Steve's obsessive thought process that goes round and round in a circle, a mind that is spiriling down the drain with an addiction to a "person". It can be just as lethal as any other addiction.

steve1840

kiki- i wonder too if that answers keepinon's point about the high number of replies. i think most people here, at least many, can relate. for those who have been here for a long time, many have recovered or at least gotten to a better place. they can look at my every post and pin it down in a second since they have been there and done that. six months or a year from now, i will be able to do that as well.

i notice too that not all people start posting as soon as they find they are with an addict. some people post about having lived with this for years. i posted from about day one and still had to experience things. living with an addict in you life for a year or many years, you have already gained much experience and lived through the cycle. i had not experienced all of this. there are people who after one lie can say- i'm out. there are others (ahem) who can get lied to over and over and stay for the next one. not all addicts realize they have a problem right away- just like with my addiction to a person.

several times i have started a thread apologizing for being stuck or acknowledging my staying stuck. i know. i know i get stuck.

Chino

It's been suggested many times that instead of understanding, try acceptance since your way isn't working. You have the ability to do this but it doesn't appear you have the willingness.

I agree with wheredoiturn, you don't want to. There's that darned willingness issue again!

This is good time to share something us family members were told at my daughter's rehab: If you can't say no, you have no business dating, marrying, having children.

These are control issues. If you want control over your life, you will do what needs to be done to make that happen. If you don't want control over your life, you will continue to allow others to control it for you.

By the way, I agree with the poster who said we relate to Steve. I understand obsession and wanting others to do the work for me.

cece1960

Steve...you're welcome to keep posting regardless of the reason, or where you are in your recovery.

For anyone who feels their advice is not being heeded, you are welcome to stop posting the advice in the first place. SR is not a board that functions on advice, but rather experience.

As for anyone who is becoming inpatient with any member here, I only ask that you remember how long it may have taken you to "get it" and allow others the decency of getting there on their own.

Thanks

Steve...my son reports to jail on Monday. while he is in there I know he will be safe (although uncomfortable) Trust me when I say that he needs to be there, as does your friend. Years ago I would have been in hysterics. Today I am grateful.

atalose

You say it with your ACTIONS - you turn off your answering machine, you unplug your phone and you go out and enjoy your dinner with your family.

she has a FRIEND to call just like she did the last time, you are NOT her only salvation!


If saying NO is too hard right now then don't, simply takes steps to avoid it all together until you can get yourself to a healthier place in her head.

steve1840

Chino-
others may have said it, but you nailed it. i am unwilling to say no i am scared to say no. of course this stems from my own issues. i want to say no.

as i mentioned, she is getting released tonight. i don't want to pick her up and stay with me etc. i would not mind picking her up and going straight to crises center.

if i say know i imagine that the manipulation and tantrum will start. why wont you help me? i cant believe you are abandoning me etc. that will dig a hole in me even though i know its for the best. i think its cold out, she has nothing etc and that dam sympathy takes over. ia mable to say no to certain things, but i have never had to do it for something like this.

cece-
i wish they were keeping her. i just cannot believe that after so many arrests and having warrants a judge has not kept her yet. even for a week.

in general- the fact that i am here ilustrates that i know i am in need of help. that i am not at peace. some people may just slip back into the old routine, i am trying not to do that. i am seeing, understnding that mostly i am just giving a cushion and not really helping.

i see that this is her chouice. she can get released and go right to the hospital. i am afraid she'll get released and get high. i cant control that. i feel ok accepting that. i still dont feel ok saying no, although i should. maybe i will tonight.

steve1840

i have thought about turning of fthe phone, but i feel bad doing that. i guess i am usually there for her so she knows she can depend on that. and i then think that since i know she is in jail and getting out today that that would be more reason to keep the phone on. she has not done anything to directly hurt me for months, so is it unfair to avoid her and leave her hanging when she knows i know she is in jail?

does that make sense?

i feel that turning off the phone is a cowards way out, that i could at least say- look i am with my family, you have to find another way, or wait until i can take you to the hospital.

JMFburns

Steve,

Admittedly, I usually steer away from your posts because I feel like you're trying to convince us why YOUR situation is sooo much more different than ours and all the reasons you aren't able to do any of the things suggested . . . but, today I read and . . .

Turning off the phone is not the cowards way out. It is actually a very brave move.

At one time I felt the same as you, thought I owed my son the courtesy of explaining myself or my actions to him, why I couldn't give him money or a ride or whatever. I realized it wasn't getting through his brain, as much as I was speaking the words, the only thing getting through was "she answers-she is there for me, she answers-she will help me, she answers-she is okay with me/my lifestyle, etc.

To not answer was the solution, to not answer made him hear I was not there for him in his addiction, I did not approve of his lifestyle, he was responsible for himself. He got the message and checked himself into detox and rehab all on his own.

To not answer was hard, my heart beat would start pounding, I couldn't take deep breaths, the thoughts in my brain started wizzing around - ICK! That wasn't cowardly for me, that was bravery.

suki44883

Admittedly, I usually steer away from your posts because I feel like you're trying to convince us why YOUR situation is sooo much more different than ours and all the reasons you aren't able to do any of the things suggested...

Yep, it's called terminal uniqueness.