atalose

He may not be ready to surrender to his addiction but I am! I’ve had enough of the crazy making, enough of his lies, enough witnessing him in near un-conscious conditions, enough of the withdrawls (flu - ya right) and the obsessive talk about pills and his make believe physical reasons for needing them.

I’ve had enough of living half a life waiting for him to “get it” and be done with it once and for all.

I’ve had enough guilt and manipulation to last me a life time.
I’ve had enough anxiety, worry and hurt and pain.

I’ve attempted no contact in the past only to be broken down by him and the game starts all over again. 2 weeks ago I changed the dynamics of this situation and NOW I AM IN CONTROL – his addiction no longer rules my life.

Am I sad, of course I am, you don’t spend 10 years of your life with someone and just turn off those feelings. But the person I feel in love with seems to be been eaten up by this other active addict and with each relapse he becomes someone even more un-familiar to me.

Do I miss him, you bet, but mostly when I am bored and nothing else is occupying my mind.

I continue to work on me, work on getting myself to healthier ground, I post here and I attend al-anon at least once a week.

The fuel I am running on these days is called “empowerment” taking back my life, taking it away from “addiction” and with each day of no contact I get stronger and stronger. Empowerment that I have finally found the strength the take a stand against his addiction, something he’s not been able to achieve himself and something I spend far too long trying to get him to do.


Thanks for listening,

Atalose

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

outtolunch

I have read many times that boredom is a major trigger for drug/alcohol relapse.

I sometimes wonder if the same holds true for us codependents. Just sitting with it all takes courage, eh?

Sounds like you are poised to take control of your own ship, this year. That alone is a full time job for most folk. What a great start for the new year. Thank you for sharing this.

keepinon

Whenver I hear real surrender i know someone's life is about to change....

atalose

And that is exactly what I am hoping for!

sofacat

[COLOR="Teal"]keep on that empowerment train.
you sound great! /COLOR]

atalose

These are some thoughts that have been rattling in my mind these past few days regarding my ending my relationship with the addict.

I feel a sense of relief as if a 230 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer feel a sense of obligation to him nor do I feel any guilt for making the decision I did and somehow it just doesn’t feel right – guess that’s the codie whispering in my ear – but I am tuning that out.

I also feel numb, like I don’t know what or how I should be feeling right now because about the only thing I do feel is that sense of relief.

I know the stages of grief and feeling numb is one of them, guess I am just anxious to move through the rest of them and not be stuck in numbness.

I need to share and open up more about my feelings as I have always keep them pretty closed in so thank you for allowing me this new opportunity.

Day 17 no contact!!!!!

MsPINKAcres

((atalose))

Welcome to your new life!

When going thru that myself - I used to look in the mirror every morning and say "wow God, we made thru yesterday - WE can make it thru today!"

Continue on your wonderful path of healing - to fight the boredom - rediscover what you like to do - rearrange your home - make it YOURS again - make it fun - even it's something silly like turning the chairs backwards - just so you can smile everytime you see it and say

"I belong to no one and no disease!!"

PINK HUGS to you!!

Rita

atalose

What I am learning on day 18 of no contact. Contact can be via well meaning third parties. Contact can be playing detective on what he is doing via a third party, where his head is at via a third party, etc. etc.

No contact means no contact, period!!

I officially retire my addiction detective badge today!!!!

Because in the end, it doesn’t matter what he is doing because what he is doing is NOT going to affect my life one way or the other.

So for today I will focus on me and MY life……

Time4Me1

Every day gets better and better, even though there are some sad and/or lonley MOMENTS!! Keep on, keeping on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

keepinon

MsPINKAcres

ooohhh -
that was a hard one to break - the not finding out thru others sources what was going on with "him"
because a few ppl would still let me know what was going on - finally I just had to find the strength to say - "it's probably best for me I don't even know"

Keep taking good care of YOU & making those HEALTHY choices - you deserve it!!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

atalose

Thank you, and yes I think it's best that I tell my well meaning friend that's its best for me that I don't know.

It's so hard turning off the love and caring you had for someone but the more I turn that love and caring inward the better I feel about my decision to end things.

Thanks everyone, you are all so empowering!!!!!!

myernie

atalose- hopefully you are finding it is getting easier the longer you are "no contact." There are still triggers but it does get easier. I have been no contact from my AXBF for just over a month. I still have some third party contact (his family) but even they are in no contact mode so it's easier. Try to keep busy, find other things to occupy your mind even if it is just surfing the internet for useless information. I have some great websites I go to for useless surfing to keep my mind away from him.

Stay strong!

atalose

Keeping busy! Yes that certainly is helping me keep my mind/thoughts occupied. I bought new curtains for my room, cleaned just about every closet in my house, got rid of a lot of junk and donated a lot of clothes. I am reading books that have nothing to do with addiction or codependency and it’s nice!

For the most part all my days are good, yes there are certain times especially at night when I feel those sad and lost feelings, that’s why I am here posting because I know I am never alone when I have all of you and SR to help me.

I guess I can say I was dancing on the tracks over the weekend. I was in the town he lives, shopping at the stores I knew I shouldn’t have been shopping at. Guess there was a part of me wondering if I would see him out and about but I guess my HP had a healthier plan for me to stick to.

My plan moving forward is to NOT play on those tracks anymore because I know the train coming at me and I am not emotionally strong enough to handle it.

I am putting day 23 of no contact to bed and looking forward to tomorrow and working on ME!!!!

myernie

The day after I posted I was at 'no contact' for a month he called 3 times from 3 different numbers I didn't know! Good news was that I wasn't home and when he wanted to come stay the night I had to say no since I was out of town! Now the count starts all over again but it seems to be somewhat easier this time around!

lost17

wow, I praise you as I tried this once myself, though befriending their friends def makes no contact impossible, probably why I went back! I think of doing this every day, I feel like I will be deserting him, as he is in rehab and going on 30 days clean as of Friday, but I have also noticed as the days go by I seem to have less and less impact on him. I no longer hear "I miss you", or "can't wait to see you", I get fewer calls and I feel like when I do its to tell me what he needs from me, I feel constant pain, I cry atleast 5 times a day, and I am told I am a jerk for feeling jealous and having no trust but have heard nothing but lies for over a year. I guess I expected when he got clean he would see and try to make up for even if just by taking responsibility, but instead I sit and wonder if I even matter. I watched him say nice things about the 10 22yr old girls he now resides with, and not one thing about me at a family class we attended, why is it so hard to let go?

atalose

My ex used to do that as well, I'd block him from contacting my cell and on the weekends he would call me from another phone. It was always the same, begging me to come back, begging me to at least meet him and talk to him. I always would and I would always end up right back to where we were. That's why I am being so diligent with the no contact, I don't want to find myself in a weak moment and cave.

Although I do feel something besides ME is different this time. He is NOT contacting me and that is different, guess he knows there is no use trying to then again I always seem to have that "feeling" of "when is the left foot going to drop".

I have learned that i do not answer my cell or home phone if I do not know the number calling me. I allow those calls to go to my voicemail and if who ever is trying to contact me can't be bothered leaving a message, I assume it can't be that important. At work I do not have that option so weeks ago right after are big blow up, he attempted to contact me at work and I just kept hanging up over and over again.

I know me and I know I am strong but not to the point where if I were to see him or have the miss fortune of talking to him, I'm not at the level yet I still feel i might cave so I need to do everything in my power, move and heaven and earth to remain with no contact - for myself!!

Starting the count over again if ok, you can do it, you have been doing it and this one minor contact should not derail the empowerment you've worked so hard for.

Hang in there, we'll get through this together!!! you are doing a great job and keep me inspired...

atalose

Your finding your way through this fog of addiction and that's good. We all travel our own journey in our own time. It took me 7 years of trying, 7 years of hurt and pain and dissapointment over and over again, al-anon and reading here, reading as much as I could about addiction and MOST of all working on ME and my low self esteem and codependency.

The one sentence that struck me that you said was:

I feel like I will be deserting him.

I used to tell myself things like that all the time, it's what kept me hooked, it's what kept me in the dysfunctional relationship for a too long. I have since learned that I am NOT responsible for him, it's not my job to lean him up, offer unconditional support for the sake of love. It's my job to hold myself up, to offer myself that unconditional love.

Keep posting, you are not alone! Lots of support here for YOU no matter what decisions you make!!!!

tam

the going no contact was pretty much the hardest for me for a long time. I kept thinking what if I talk to him?? what if I dont? well, when I did it was nothing but the same ole bs. all it did was bring up more emotions for me and cause me heartache and the drama just continued..not doing me any good.
after trying my hardest and resisting I saw I was doing better and in time
the temptation lessened. not hearing the drama, the lies, etc..gave me time to continue of the path of recovery. I started feeling at peace with my decision to let go.
today, 1 year later I can say Im completely different. when people tell me they saw him I feel numb, I dont ask questions nor do I react. I saw him on christmas eve at the pizza place and am proud to say that I stepped back and didnt let him get me, I walked away. that evening he called and again
I was numb but yet in control..I didnt take the call, but after hearing his message about how much he loved me and we need to communicate I thought..yeah yeah yeah same ole BS..do you seriously think Im going to fall for that again? NOT
you will get to the point as well, doesnt mean you wont fall off the horse as
we all have, but in time with concentrating on your recovery and letting go you will get there.

coffeedrinker

i think you are doing GREAT atalose !

keep up the good work, and keep posting. it helps.

lost,

you are floundering. that is normal. you keep stopping by this site - we are rooting for you!

the bottom line one day will be: do i feel better when i am around him? is my life enhanced by him being in it?
in your heart of hearts, you will know the answer, it is listening to that voice that is so very tough.
on that day you will know that it doesn't really matter whether or not he benefits by having you in his life, or if you feel guilty for abandoning him. you will follow that voice.