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Still obsessing. I cant stop obsessing ,even though i broke up with my ab ,and that we dont talk,i still obsess about him,still trying to find out everything about him,what he does,who he talks to,where he hangs out,the people he is around(especially women). I work at a mobile operator company,today i looked into his phone records found out he has been talking to his ex gf alot. (this girl used to call him when we were together and she was literaly throwing herself on him,trying to get him back ) i felt horrible that i burst into tears at work,then called him yelling telling him what a low unfaithful person he is .i just cant stop obsessing about him . |
When I would obsess (and well I still do at time!) I try to refocus on something else. Sometimes I just tell myself over and over again, let go and let God... The serenity prayer is also good for this, just keep reciting it until the obsessive thoughts pass. It sounds like you are somewhat addicted to him and need to find some healthy ways of re-directing your thoughts. Try your best not to give in to the temptation of looking into his phone records. It will only hurt you more as you discovered. I wish there was more I could say to help, but you have to somehow dig deep and fight through this. You can do it!!! He is not worth the energy spent dwelling on him. He has hurt you emotionally and physically and you are worth so much more than that Lunaaa! ****{HUGS}}} |
I do the same, focus on something else...keep busy. you have to keep letting go because your only hurting yourself, once you let go you will start healing. when you do get the urge to call him or react ,fight it! it will get easier just talk yourself through it |
angelstory... you are right. i feel addicted to him. i'm so hurt ,i feel abandoned and betrayed because they have been talking while we were together ,when i confronted him on the fone he seemed so innocent and sweared he didnt know what i was talking about and that he never betrayed me,that he could explain it if i only told him what i was talking about. i dont know what to think,it's so painful. |
Tam,i know i should keep busy and not let myself fall into this circle of thoughts,it's really getting to me. i burst into tears at work that my supervisor was shocked ,i feel so stupid. |
I wrote down on a piece of paper all the bad/hurtful things he had done so when I missed him I would remind myself of the dealbreakers. I carried around the little card in my purse. Oh I miss him but he did -, and-, and -and I didn't miss him so much. Now I feel sorry for whoever he is with. She gets all the ca ca now. |
Try your best to not look into his stuff because you are just hurting yourself. I know, I am like that too. It is almost like prolonging the pain and you'll only be able to move on if you leave him behind you. Anytime an urge comes up, just call a friend or write him an angry letter (but do not send it!) or post here. You can do this!! :) |
do your own recovery....and grieve... |
Do not pass go. Go directly to jail. I don't know what you can do about your obsession, but it is best you find something quickly. |
Lunaaa, its hard to let go. Its hard to stop the obsessive behavior you were so used to having when you were with him. I used to do the same thing- check phone conversations and calls, drive to see where he was. Its a hard habit to break- even if your not with him anymore. What you really truely need to concentrate on is yourself. In the last few weeks i have decided to let go and take care of myself and it has been a huge weight off my shoulders. I have finally realized that i cant control what he does and i have to worry about myself. I realized how crazy i became trying to figure out his every move- i look back now and think wow i was really insane by yelling at him all the time and wondering what he was doing. Hes going to do what he wants- and i have to realize that i have my own life to live. i have to learn how to control my life and my outbursts rather then his. the only person you can control is yourself. |
Cynical one, i have access to customers data because i'm a customer service representative ,ofcourse i will get in trouble if i used my authority ti harm customers. for a minute i felt like screwing his line or deactivating it or anything but i didnt ,i would have felt bad about it later aside than getting in trouble. i just looked into his phone records. |
lunaaa- it's ok. really. you obsessed and you recognized it. you may do it again. and then again. but in between those times, there will be moments when you will realize you didn't act on it and you will feel good about it. it took me months to finally stop obsessing, to stop driving around looking for her, to stop contacting the people i knew she may be in contact with, and to sto plooking for every little sign. i still love her and think about her a lot, but i made it one step, only through the grace of time, to where the obsession has less of a hold on me. it's hard. very very hard, but try to learn from each day and dont beat yourself up for not being perfect. some people ca nturn a switch and be done with their partner, others need to go through a loooong grieving and rebuilding process. hang in there and you will get where you need to be. |
Like anyone kicking any addiction, it takes practice and commitment to stop the behaviors.your brain needs to be retrained and it takes practice,practice,practice...I was obsessed with my daughter..for me alanon really helped me let go of the trying to control which in turn helped my obsession. |
I am in the same position now. I gave in and talked to him and it started it all over for me. He is constantly on my mind, I want to call him, but I stop myself from doing so. I know he has had court the other day, I'm resisting asking his parents how that went. I know it will get easier with time. I know one day I won't even think about calling him when I get off work like I always did. But I know that day isn't today and I have to live in today. I have to accept the pain in order to move past it and in order to get to the "better" day I have to make it through today. One breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time. I'm in my Zen place right now....don't worry in 10 min you could catch me in the middle of a break down :) |
I did this stuff for awhile. BUT- it is like that paddle with the rubberband and ball on it. Why keep whopping yourself over and over? One day I accepted it wasn't good for me to do that to myself anymore. I asked HP to help me not worry about what he was doing just for today. He didn't deserve to have space in my head "rentfree" anymore. He wasn't focused on me- he was focused on using. I started to focus on things which helped get me healthy. Meetings, healthy friends, church, more meetings, journaling, Code No More Book , SR, yoga, walking, healthy meals, picking up the 100 lb. phone ,more meetings, positive affirmations, meditation tapes I downloaded free......therapy. The Eckart Tolle books helped me. Me, me me.......meetings. Meeting makers make it! Work the program you wish they would work. |
Lunaaa, Glad I saw and read your post this morning! I was contemplating a new post of my own along very similar lines. I know my son's cash assistance card # and yesterday I looked at his account online. He had made 3 $40 withdrawals of cash since the 1st when funds were deposited. I want to call and ask him about where that money is going, I felt I deserved to know since I am working 2 jobs to get myself out of the financial hole I put myself in for him! I pissed that he's spending money while I'm scrimping and "doing without" just to make ends meet. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night because this kept tumbling around in my brain. I try to keep saying the serenity prayer over and over to keep the thoughts blocked. But . . . reading your post and the responses has helped me this morning to remember to LET IT GO. After I'm done typing I'll take a moment to pray that God will help me not worry about what he is doing. (Just like Carol Star said "He didn't deserve to have space in my head "rentfree" anymore. He wasn't focused on me". I need to focus on things which will help get me healthy.) Good Luck |
I wrote down on a piece of paper all the bad/hurtful things he had done so when I missed him I would remind myself of the dealbreakers. I carried around the little card in my purse. But I will promise the less you give into those obsesions, the easier it gets, the less it hurts and soon the less they even come tome mind |
Lunaaa Checking up on the A's in our life is another way that we inflict pain upon ourselves. It's something we have all done (or still do) and it brings us nothing but pain and anxiety. Remembering that we don't control the A and can only control ourselves is an imperative for our own recovery. Time will help the obsessive thoughts and actions ease up but we can speed that process up when we make it a very conscious effort. Just as the recovering addict has to fight the urges to pick up and use........we need to fight the urges to check up on them. The impulses are the same. It is addiction either way. You can't control him. He's going to do what he's going to do and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. But you do have the power to control "you"......that power resides in you. gentle hugs |
Lunaa, I've been in your shoes (in another relationship with a non-addict). Textbook co-dependency, hon. It's a hard hole to dig out of, I'm not going to lie, but if I can do it, you can too. It took a long time and a lot of small/baby steps, a lot of waking up every day and wanting to die, then realizing I "wanted to die less" each time I woke up until one morning, I sat up in bed and said, "I'm really going to be okay." And I was. You will be okay, too. Only, back then I had no idea what it was called (co-dependency). I just knew it hurt like my soul was being torn into a million pieces. I didn't know where to go for support back then. You do know where to go, now (meetings). Make use of all your resources. I remember having to drag myself out of the house to keep from wallowing, but it got easier. Have you tried creating some boundaries for yourself? Starting small? |
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