ZombieWife

I've gone back and forth with writing this, but I think I'm ready to toss it out there.

I've gone to alanon meetings, naranon meetings. I attend many online in a chat room due to babysitting issues and such.

The thing is, regardless of what the meeting is (alanon/naranon/live or online) I'm not getting much out of the meetings. At first I thought I was just having bad luck in terms of finding a group to "click" with, but I've tried different groups/times, etc.

I feel like I go there, someone asks an important question about step-work or about coping, tell their story, then people say, "thank you," and move on. Questions never seem to get answered. Last week, in the session I went (in person), we were talking about Step 3: "a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."

Two people asked, "well, how do you do that? How? I don't get it."

And they were looking at other members, the leader, and instead of addressing that question, the meeting just moved on to the next person.

I often wonder if these meetings are just about telling your story and sitting down and listening to others and then leaving. I supplement my meetings with therapy and honestly? I'm getting far more from the therapy than I do from the meetings.

I realize that group members are not therapists here, but it just seems like a place for people to share their testimonies and then sit down. While hearing others' stories makes me feel less alone, I'm missing something here in regard to what I'm supposed to learn from hearing these stories.

What gives? do I just need to hang in there and give it time? Is this just a run of bad luck? Or is this how things work and I need to accept that? I feel like I'm trying to be proactive about things, but what I'm getting in these groups is nothing I can't get by reading a self-help book at this point.

(sigh)

I want to "get it." If I'm part of the problem, I'll try to find a way to manage that, but I just feel so frustrated with it all right now.

Lunaaa

I had the same problem when i attended two coda meetings,unfortunately the group was finally cancelled ,the meetings i attended were just as u described,it didnt help me all that much.i hope someone can help out with the issue.

Chino

I learned to ask the chair and other members the same question, slightly worded differently: How did YOU do that?

keepinon

There is no cross talk or advice giving during meetings which was weird to me at first too, but now I love it..if people wewre giving advice, others would disagree, and then you'd have a debate.
Also, it's a safe place where you can express your idea and no one will shoot it down.No interruptions..how often do we get THAT in ourlives?
So, we just share our experience stregnth and hope during meetings, but AFTER the meetings pretty much anyone would be happy to tell you what they did in a similar situation, things that worked for them, etc.Friends in the program and sponsors are so important for that more one on one, direct answers kind of thing.There is a method to the madness.

Ann

If it was a meeting with no crosstalk (meaning you share but the others just listen without interrupting or interacting), and if I had been the chair of that meeting, I would have suggested that you talk to some of the long time members after the sharing was over. That should have been suggested to you.

That said, perhaps you can find a member whose recovery you admire, and ask her the same question, maybe even ask her to be your sponsor and help you work the steps.

I found my sponsor fairly quickly, maybe after about 7 meetings, and she met with me to help me set up a step study for myself and worked each step with me (after I had done the assigned written work about that step).

Learning to do that was probably the most important thing I have ever done in my life. It not only helped me find a better way of living at the time of crisis, but it brought me lessons that have helped me in all aspects of my life.

Please don't give up, I promise that it's all worth it when you get more comfortable with meetings.

Hugs

ZombieWife

Some really great words in here. I like the idea of staying after to ask questions and chat it up. And it makes total sense that if people were to ask for advice during meetings, they would get 10 different responses and that could cause some friction/tension.

Just reading what's been written so far has helped more than you all know. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest and learning from this whole process.

yorkiegirl

I am just getting "into" Alanon after having known about it for many decades. Growing up in a family of "let's fix what's wrong!" all everyone ever does is give advice, myself included! (Some of it is good but I think I just want to hear others & to be heard sometimes, nothing more!) What I have liked about the Alanon meetings is no one gives advice. By listening to others' stories, I learn how they have dealt with & are dealing with their struggles. That has been priceless for me! There are people I hear speak & I think,"Wow! I hope I can get to where they are at!" Sometimes, people say irrelevant (to me) things or ramble but I am using that as an opportunity to learn *not* to judge other people & their experiences.

I think a lot of the direct help comes from one-on-one communication with individuals, sponsors, & calling people on the phone list from the meetings. I have not called anyone or had the one-on-one with anyone yet but this year I am hoping to reach out & learn more from individuals at the various meetings I have started to go to (maybe even work the steps w/ experienced Alanon people).

I hope you get something out of the meetings, but if you get more from counseling/therapy, that's great too! Although I am finally giving Alanon a chance after resisting it (thinking I was "different" & "too good" for this "program!") for a long long time, I must say I like what I see & how I feel after I leave many of the meetings.

Best to you!

Babyblue

I felt exactly the same way. Like there was all this knowledge and experience but I couldn't access it due to the format of the meetings.

It really is the format that I have a hard time with. The shares are very helpful but the meetings in my area are huge and impersonal.

I may go again soon as I am feeling the need to but going to check out a different meeting site.

tam

I went for 3 months, 3 times a week. I have stopped. I will say I am very thankful for them as it got me out of my dark dark hole..just to be around others who are going through the same thing
was such a relief for me as I was sheltered by myself and lost.
I didnt have a sponsor nor did anyone direct me into seeking one. I too felt strange that there was no interacting with each other. I did stay and talk to others during the 3 months but I came to a decision not to attend anymore.
I respect the meetings and the people who continue to go and find it helps,
but for me, this forum and my therapist are helping me.
I also did alot of reading and continue to read the daily readings from
courage to change.
what works for some might not work for everyone. the first time I had cancer
I attended a support group, it was so helpful, the second time I did not.
many cancer patients do not attend support groups as with addiction Im sure.so again whatever your comfortable with and what helps is what matters.
basically I got to a point that I wanted to move on and work through it
with other means and that is the same for me today dealing with addiction.

Freedom1990

This has been my experience, and I can't imagine my life without a sponsor to share experience, strength, and hope with me on a one-to-one basis.