Im finally ready to admit he has a problem him not so much
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 6
Im finally ready to admit he has a problem him not so much
Well I thought I would try to talk to my husband today about him going to rehab started out asking how much of his rx he has left which I know is 0 but asked anyway he of course said he has all of them he has been taking them the way he is suppose to yada yada. I said let me see them well this gets him irritated and he just keeps saying dont worry I have them finally he hands me a pill bottle I count the pills it was short only by a few so I start thinking wow maybe Im wrong. I go and google the pill he showed me just to be sure and wouldnt you know it its not the loratabs its vitamin d or something so I say ok no more lies is your rx all gone. He says no anyway long story short he left because he cant take me "always trying to catch him up in something" in the middle of the fight I calmly said how about you go to rehab the answer was I dont have a problem. It just kills me that he can turn around and get mad at me for catching him in lies. Ugh did I mention I believe I might be just about the biggest enabler ever. Im done IF he comes home he has a choice rehab or move. We have three kids who dont deserve to see this. Thank God for them if it was just me I would probably put up with it.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us but sorry for the reasons that bring you here.
If you are ready to admit he has a problem, that's a start. And you don't have to get him to admit that HE has a problem to start doing something about it.
If you have Naranon meetings anywhere near you, it might be a thought to start going. Often, when we initially start going to those meetings, we hope that we'll find the answers on how to make THEM quit and get better. But the truth is, we find out what we need to do to be happy......whether the addict in our lives is using or not.
We also learn that we can't make another person do anything. We are powerless over them. We can't control or cure their addiction and we didn't cause it. Sometimes, the harder we try to "fix" them, the more broken they become.......and we become broken right along with them.
I hope you stick around. There's a wealth of information and knowledge on SR. The stickes at the top of the forum are great. There are wonderful books to read--many of us here on SR really like the books by Melody Beattie (CoDependent No More).
gentle hugs
If you are ready to admit he has a problem, that's a start. And you don't have to get him to admit that HE has a problem to start doing something about it.
If you have Naranon meetings anywhere near you, it might be a thought to start going. Often, when we initially start going to those meetings, we hope that we'll find the answers on how to make THEM quit and get better. But the truth is, we find out what we need to do to be happy......whether the addict in our lives is using or not.
We also learn that we can't make another person do anything. We are powerless over them. We can't control or cure their addiction and we didn't cause it. Sometimes, the harder we try to "fix" them, the more broken they become.......and we become broken right along with them.
I hope you stick around. There's a wealth of information and knowledge on SR. The stickes at the top of the forum are great. There are wonderful books to read--many of us here on SR really like the books by Melody Beattie (CoDependent No More).
gentle hugs
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Hi inconsolable,
Good you found SR. This place is an excellent start for you as all of us know exactly where you are coming from...and have or still are walking in your shoes.
Please take all the time you need here, and read everything you can. Lots and lots of us will be along to help you as you take baby steps to reclaim your life.
I was with an opiate (painkiller) addict for 10 years, I did a lot of snooping, and had many "Aha! I caught ya!" moments with him too. It became my full time job and I spent more time focusing on him that on myself.
He said he left you because "always trying to catch him up in something"....
I've heard this from my ex too. And they're right. That isn't anyway for another person to live...just as it isn't a healthy place for us to live with people who are very active in their addiction. It's crazy making.
There isn't anything you can do or say to make him quit using.
NOTHING.
Threats, ultimatums, crying, pleading, begging, yelling, stomping, threatening, etc....
None of this will lead him to a path of sobriety. He will have to come to this on his own.
You mentioned you are aware that you are enabler.
Good for you. That's a very healthy realization.
Now is a good time to read up on Codependency.
You sound like you're ready. The book
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent resource.
You laid down a boundary..."rehab or move."
Now, are you ready to stand behind your convictions?
If not...they are just empty threats and another way to manipulate the addict.
The boundary is for you.
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry you find yourself here, but I am so happy that you found us.
Good you found SR. This place is an excellent start for you as all of us know exactly where you are coming from...and have or still are walking in your shoes.
Please take all the time you need here, and read everything you can. Lots and lots of us will be along to help you as you take baby steps to reclaim your life.
I was with an opiate (painkiller) addict for 10 years, I did a lot of snooping, and had many "Aha! I caught ya!" moments with him too. It became my full time job and I spent more time focusing on him that on myself.
He said he left you because "always trying to catch him up in something"....
I've heard this from my ex too. And they're right. That isn't anyway for another person to live...just as it isn't a healthy place for us to live with people who are very active in their addiction. It's crazy making.
There isn't anything you can do or say to make him quit using.
NOTHING.
Threats, ultimatums, crying, pleading, begging, yelling, stomping, threatening, etc....
None of this will lead him to a path of sobriety. He will have to come to this on his own.
You mentioned you are aware that you are enabler.
Good for you. That's a very healthy realization.
Now is a good time to read up on Codependency.
You sound like you're ready. The book
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent resource.
You laid down a boundary..."rehab or move."
Now, are you ready to stand behind your convictions?
If not...they are just empty threats and another way to manipulate the addict.
The boundary is for you.
Welcome to SR. I am so sorry you find yourself here, but I am so happy that you found us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Former "snooper" here. I always got this "rush" from trying to uncover evidence. Then I would feel sick to my stomach. It tears you up.
Maybe it's time to let go? To stop focusing so much on catching him? Give yourself a break, hon. It's all a part of being a codependent, ("Addicted to your addict"). What does your gut tell you?
You know what he's doing. You know he has a problem. What will it change if you do catch him? Will it make him stop?
You can't make him stop.
The answer lies in yourself. If he's unwilling to change or admit that he has a problem, then your alternatives are:
1. Keep pressing him until he leaves (all the while driving yourself nutso).
2. Exercise control over that which you DO have power over--yourself. This could mean detaching with love and staying near, or moving out. You are the variable here, he is the constant.
Love yourself enough to protect yourself (body, soul, mind).
To conquer others is to know power. To conquer yourself is to know the way.
~Lao Ma
Maybe it's time to let go? To stop focusing so much on catching him? Give yourself a break, hon. It's all a part of being a codependent, ("Addicted to your addict"). What does your gut tell you?
You know what he's doing. You know he has a problem. What will it change if you do catch him? Will it make him stop?
You can't make him stop.
The answer lies in yourself. If he's unwilling to change or admit that he has a problem, then your alternatives are:
1. Keep pressing him until he leaves (all the while driving yourself nutso).
2. Exercise control over that which you DO have power over--yourself. This could mean detaching with love and staying near, or moving out. You are the variable here, he is the constant.
Love yourself enough to protect yourself (body, soul, mind).
To conquer others is to know power. To conquer yourself is to know the way.
~Lao Ma
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
welcome to SR inconsolable..Im a former snooper too, Im also a former wife to a once great man for 26 years. he is also a pill addict (dr.prescribed not that makes a difference) but I thought I too could control it. Over the past 8 years it became out of hand. for a long time I saw his daily dosage, I went to the drs.with him I thought everything will be fine after all a dr.is presribing them right? NOT..what happened is he became a different person, I became a different person. I however continued living with it still thinking things would change, he would get off of them. last year in dec.I too gave him a ultimatum, rehab or its over. he left and hasnt been back. it took me a long time to realize I couldnt control it, love couldnt control it, anger or losing family wouldnt control it and now probaly divorce wont control it.Thank god I found this forum as I was clueless on what to do and where to go.
here I educated myself on addiction, here I learned coping skills, here I learned most importantly that I wasnt alone. every ugly thought I had about myself and our marriage was normal, its called living with addiction. It takes strength and courage to live with it,but it also takes strength and courage not to as well.
I hope your hubby does what he needs to do for you and the kids. But be prepared if he doesnt and try to let go, he will have to make that choice and for you the best thing you could do is educate yourself and take care of yourself and your children.
please continue reading posts and stickies on here as well and posting because it truly saved me.
maybe check into some meetings as well when your up to it.
we are all here to support you..
here I educated myself on addiction, here I learned coping skills, here I learned most importantly that I wasnt alone. every ugly thought I had about myself and our marriage was normal, its called living with addiction. It takes strength and courage to live with it,but it also takes strength and courage not to as well.
I hope your hubby does what he needs to do for you and the kids. But be prepared if he doesnt and try to let go, he will have to make that choice and for you the best thing you could do is educate yourself and take care of yourself and your children.
please continue reading posts and stickies on here as well and posting because it truly saved me.
maybe check into some meetings as well when your up to it.
we are all here to support you..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 6
Well he stayed gone all night came home today to get his clothes. He said he is moving out Im kind of grateful he made this choice and I didnt have to make him move out and in a weird way I am mad he is moving out when I havent done anything to him. Im taking it one second at a time not sure I can handle one full day at a time yet. The amazing thing is how he can make me feel guilty. Talked to my cousin who works with him and was really relieved as he thinks he has a problem to based on his own experiences with him. He has actually been trying to figure out how to talk to me about it. its just kind of nice to know Im not the only one since it seems like all I do is second guess myself. So now I have to figure out why I am an enabler/codependent and what I should do. I would like to go to some meetings but since now I am a single mother working full time plus overtime I dont know how I would find time and a babysitter. Im so grateful for this board though. Its really amazing how I feel like you all "get" me. I read the other posts and see so many things I am also experiencing some I didnt even realize was because of the addiction. Thanks everyone !
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
inconsolable..Im so sorry!! but please know YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG..they will put the guilt trip on you to take away the attention of their addiction. I remember last year my ex was telling everyone I was the crazy one, he couldnt live with me anymore..blah blah blah and honestly I believed it myself cause I did feel insane..with that being sad, it didnt take too long for people to come up to me or call me and say "we noticed he had a problem and has changed".
I was ashamed, embarrassed and distraught on what he did to me and how do I continue on living without him? I also had alot of what if's, why why why?? even after he left I still tried to control it and honestly it was torture until I finally let go.
it is going to take time for your wounds to heal, it is going to take time to work through this.
Its like living in a shell for us and slowly you will come out of the shell if you seek recovery for yourself.
today I can honestly say I dont miss him under the influence. it wasnt a easy journey I will say, but Im at a better place than last year.
I also want to say that people will be there for you, people will reach out and help you dont be afraid to ask.
I was ashamed, embarrassed and distraught on what he did to me and how do I continue on living without him? I also had alot of what if's, why why why?? even after he left I still tried to control it and honestly it was torture until I finally let go.
it is going to take time for your wounds to heal, it is going to take time to work through this.
Its like living in a shell for us and slowly you will come out of the shell if you seek recovery for yourself.
today I can honestly say I dont miss him under the influence. it wasnt a easy journey I will say, but Im at a better place than last year.
I also want to say that people will be there for you, people will reach out and help you dont be afraid to ask.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Yes....the ole twistaroo game they play.
He's an addict...but it's YOUR FAULT he's moving out.
It's amazing how that works on us, isn't it?
You're doing great. Let him go, let him be...and start the healing process for yourself.
You're not going to find out everything you need to know about codependency in one day...but SR is an excellent start. Get the book I mentioned earlier. It will make your eyes grow wide as you read it.
Day at a time. And stay here as long as you need to.
You're with people just like you.
He's an addict...but it's YOUR FAULT he's moving out.
It's amazing how that works on us, isn't it?
You're doing great. Let him go, let him be...and start the healing process for yourself.
You're not going to find out everything you need to know about codependency in one day...but SR is an excellent start. Get the book I mentioned earlier. It will make your eyes grow wide as you read it.
Day at a time. And stay here as long as you need to.
You're with people just like you.
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