Right at this moment...one year ago.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Right at this moment...one year ago.
It was at this very time of night...exactly one year ago that I came home from work, and discovered Mr.Sofa had relapsed.
I didn't know earlier that morning, that that would be the last time that I would look into his sober eyes, and kiss him goodbye before I went off to work. I didn't know that I would be kissing him goodbye forever.
He had been to rehab 90 days prior to this moment, and it was exactly 90 days that I had him in my life sober. 90 days in 10 years. That was it.
When I came home from work exactly ONE YEAR AGO...right at this moment, his pupils were pinned, and the lying started all over again. There he was, standing in our living room...jammed, vacant, sweating. That was the person I prayed that I would NEVER have to see again. And there he was. My heart sank. I felt sick. I just wanted to cry.
The difference that time over all the others was that I had boundaries.
Boundaries for myself. And here I was...challenged to enforce them, and stand behind them. For me.
I didn't have the strength to tell him to leave at that moment. I came here to SR and just locked myself in my room (again). But I knew, I knew that tomorrow morning...ONE YEAR AGO, I would ask him to leave.
It was the single hardest thing I have ever been faced with. To tell someone I love so very much, that he needed to find someplace else to stay. To send him out like that. Knowing he is sick. Fighting back the urge to want to fix it, do something...ANYTHING but send him out. I couldn't believe this was happening....I was so angry. I was so defeated....I felt so abandoned.
After a long talk with myself that night..."Girl, you HAVE TO DO THIS!" kind of stuff...I went to bed. Knowing that I would be asking him to leave the next morning.
When I woke up...I went into the living room. Mr.Sofa was sitting upright on the couch with his head tilted all the way back. Eyes closed, mouth open...disturbing sight to most, but I had seen it before. It's amazing what you become accustomed to seeing. And I will never forget that moment.
I woke him up. Sat down next to him on the couch, and asked "Are you planning on checking back into rehab?" And he said "It was just a slip, I only took a couple of pills! I don't need to go to rehab!" And the words came out of my mouth "Then you and I are going to have to separate for awhile, and I need you to stay someplace else." *GULP*
I couldn't believe that I mustered up the strength to do it...but I did! I had to. I just couldn't live like that one.....more.....day. I was done.
I was ready to start a new life for myself. Truthfully, I thought my asking him to leave would jolt him back to rehab...that he would fight to get sober to save himself, and save "us". But he didn't. He maintained that it was a "slip" and that he wasn't on pills. But he was on pills. And I wasn't going to allow him to lie to me anymore. I was done with it. All of it.
Tomorrow will be my one year anniversary from the time that Mr.Sofa left and the healing process began for me.
I posted on here threads...CODIE DETOX DAY 1, DAY 2, DAY 3...
you are welcome to read them if you like. If you think it might help.
I know getting it out here really helped me get through those darkest of days. I was fighting the urge to do what came naturally for me...
"fixing, saving, rescuing & taking care of everything." <-- I put that in quotes because I wasn't really fixing much of anything. I just kept putting band aids on bullet wounds, so to speak.
I just thought I might share with you my experience one year after.
I am happy to report that I am in a much better place today. It took a lot of hard work, and I had to really look at myself through my own cracked mirror. But I was the one that needed the saving. I just never looked at it that way before. I am a Codependent.
The people here helped me so much through those times. And i am so thankful there are people "just like me" here who understand how my brain works, and offered to give me the help that I so desperately needed.
And still do.
I am grateful.
Thank you SR.
I didn't know earlier that morning, that that would be the last time that I would look into his sober eyes, and kiss him goodbye before I went off to work. I didn't know that I would be kissing him goodbye forever.
He had been to rehab 90 days prior to this moment, and it was exactly 90 days that I had him in my life sober. 90 days in 10 years. That was it.
When I came home from work exactly ONE YEAR AGO...right at this moment, his pupils were pinned, and the lying started all over again. There he was, standing in our living room...jammed, vacant, sweating. That was the person I prayed that I would NEVER have to see again. And there he was. My heart sank. I felt sick. I just wanted to cry.
The difference that time over all the others was that I had boundaries.
Boundaries for myself. And here I was...challenged to enforce them, and stand behind them. For me.
I didn't have the strength to tell him to leave at that moment. I came here to SR and just locked myself in my room (again). But I knew, I knew that tomorrow morning...ONE YEAR AGO, I would ask him to leave.
It was the single hardest thing I have ever been faced with. To tell someone I love so very much, that he needed to find someplace else to stay. To send him out like that. Knowing he is sick. Fighting back the urge to want to fix it, do something...ANYTHING but send him out. I couldn't believe this was happening....I was so angry. I was so defeated....I felt so abandoned.
After a long talk with myself that night..."Girl, you HAVE TO DO THIS!" kind of stuff...I went to bed. Knowing that I would be asking him to leave the next morning.
When I woke up...I went into the living room. Mr.Sofa was sitting upright on the couch with his head tilted all the way back. Eyes closed, mouth open...disturbing sight to most, but I had seen it before. It's amazing what you become accustomed to seeing. And I will never forget that moment.
I woke him up. Sat down next to him on the couch, and asked "Are you planning on checking back into rehab?" And he said "It was just a slip, I only took a couple of pills! I don't need to go to rehab!" And the words came out of my mouth "Then you and I are going to have to separate for awhile, and I need you to stay someplace else." *GULP*
I couldn't believe that I mustered up the strength to do it...but I did! I had to. I just couldn't live like that one.....more.....day. I was done.
I was ready to start a new life for myself. Truthfully, I thought my asking him to leave would jolt him back to rehab...that he would fight to get sober to save himself, and save "us". But he didn't. He maintained that it was a "slip" and that he wasn't on pills. But he was on pills. And I wasn't going to allow him to lie to me anymore. I was done with it. All of it.
Tomorrow will be my one year anniversary from the time that Mr.Sofa left and the healing process began for me.
I posted on here threads...CODIE DETOX DAY 1, DAY 2, DAY 3...
you are welcome to read them if you like. If you think it might help.
I know getting it out here really helped me get through those darkest of days. I was fighting the urge to do what came naturally for me...
"fixing, saving, rescuing & taking care of everything." <-- I put that in quotes because I wasn't really fixing much of anything. I just kept putting band aids on bullet wounds, so to speak.
I just thought I might share with you my experience one year after.
I am happy to report that I am in a much better place today. It took a lot of hard work, and I had to really look at myself through my own cracked mirror. But I was the one that needed the saving. I just never looked at it that way before. I am a Codependent.
The people here helped me so much through those times. And i am so thankful there are people "just like me" here who understand how my brain works, and offered to give me the help that I so desperately needed.
And still do.
I am grateful.
Thank you SR.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 44
Wow!! What a great milestone to celebrate!! Thank you for sharing your obstacle and triumph. Reading this post gives me hope someday I will be able to write my own post that I have overcome this part of my life.
Congratulations to you!!
Congratulations to you!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Congratulations to you my friend on your new beginning!
I think back like that a lot, like almost every day. I think of where I was a year ago, or a year before that, but I always ask the fanciful question of where I want to be in another year. It reminds me where I am trying to go not just in spite of my past but because of it. I am where I am because of what I've been through and I'm on my way to greater things because of it, too! I've come a long way in my recovery and that would not have happened without my finding my way to the people here including you.
I'm so proud to hear you tell the tale of where you were with all the love and understanding that you should show yourself. You see what strength it took to make the decision to save your own life and how that strength just was not there prior to that moment.
((((hugs to you))))
Alice
I think back like that a lot, like almost every day. I think of where I was a year ago, or a year before that, but I always ask the fanciful question of where I want to be in another year. It reminds me where I am trying to go not just in spite of my past but because of it. I am where I am because of what I've been through and I'm on my way to greater things because of it, too! I've come a long way in my recovery and that would not have happened without my finding my way to the people here including you.
I'm so proud to hear you tell the tale of where you were with all the love and understanding that you should show yourself. You see what strength it took to make the decision to save your own life and how that strength just was not there prior to that moment.
((((hugs to you))))
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Just thought I would share this.
There is another life for us, there are choices.
We just have to learn to find our voices, and understand that "selfish" doesn't have to be a four letter word.
Callie, you and I went through it at the same time. I think of the mess, the chaos, the anger, stress, fear, pain, resentment, mind games, self doubt, uncertainty and loss we were living in a year ago....
And thanks to the support of the people here, and FINALLY learning to "follow directions"...finally listening to others...and NOT thinking we could handle it on our own..
We made it out...through the storm clouds and into the sunlight again.
You all have a story too...maybe you could share yours for those who feel they won't make i out, those who feel trapped & those who may feel they will never be happy again.
There is another way, another life. You have choices. Just take the hand of the people who have been through it too...and let us help walk you out.
Have a great day all.
There is another life for us, there are choices.
We just have to learn to find our voices, and understand that "selfish" doesn't have to be a four letter word.
Callie, you and I went through it at the same time. I think of the mess, the chaos, the anger, stress, fear, pain, resentment, mind games, self doubt, uncertainty and loss we were living in a year ago....
And thanks to the support of the people here, and FINALLY learning to "follow directions"...finally listening to others...and NOT thinking we could handle it on our own..
We made it out...through the storm clouds and into the sunlight again.
You all have a story too...maybe you could share yours for those who feel they won't make i out, those who feel trapped & those who may feel they will never be happy again.
There is another way, another life. You have choices. Just take the hand of the people who have been through it too...and let us help walk you out.
Have a great day all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Sofacat, when I really started coming around here (June'ish 2010) you were still working through so much. Recently I have noticed a different feel to your posts...I think you have reached another level! Congrats to you! Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Mr.Sofa was sitting upright on the couch with his head tilted all the way back. Eyes closed, mouth open...disturbing sight to most, but I had seen it before. It's amazing what you become accustomed to seeing. And I will never forget that moment.
I have many moments of xh blitzed out ingrained in my mind. Such a sickening feeling and I too am amazed @ what I grew accustomed to seeing.
I have many moments of xh blitzed out ingrained in my mind. Such a sickening feeling and I too am amazed @ what I grew accustomed to seeing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Sofacat, thank you for sharing. I understand the pain you felt when he relapsed. I admire you for your courage to stand up for yourself and enforce your boundaries. It's a sad story to hear about how you had to leave him. However, it is beautiful how you learned about yourself and how you were able to find peace. Take care and have a happy 2011!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
And Callie...I you mentioned today is a HUGE trigger for you...
I get it...I SOOOOOO get it. You just keep reading through all those posts from a year ago. You see how far you have come. Yes?
One year ago today, you and I reclaimed our lives. Way I see it, that's cause for celebration! Yessssssss!
Nothing to trigger but a huge smile on your face, a pat on the back and a BIG
ATTA GIRL!!!!!!
I get it...I SOOOOOO get it. You just keep reading through all those posts from a year ago. You see how far you have come. Yes?
One year ago today, you and I reclaimed our lives. Way I see it, that's cause for celebration! Yessssssss!
Nothing to trigger but a huge smile on your face, a pat on the back and a BIG
ATTA GIRL!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sofacat,
Thank you for this post and sharing your experience with us. I have begun to read many of your posts and I thank you for being so inspiring to those of us new to being/having an *ex*.
I also was in a 10 year relationship with an opiate addict, he was clean and sober the first 3 years of our relationship. When we met he had been clean sober for 3 years so he managed to pull together 6 years but could not sustain it. After a separation/rehab/clean living house/out – patient therapy we resumed our relationship. It was really good for a number of years but then relapse reared its ugly head and the last 3 have been up and down.
He was injured at work in Oct and the day he went to DR I believe he began his pain meds again and then it all went down hill rather quickly after that.
The lies started, the manipulation began and I moved out on Nov 2. A week later he was begging me to work on the relationship all the typical crap – couldn’t live with out me, wouldn’t survive this injury and the pain meds with out me yada yada yada.
True was he involved himself with someone who had attempted to destroy our relationship in the past, someone who told me that she wised I had just died when I had breast cancer so it would be easy for her to be with him. A year and half ago she provided him with HER pain meds she didn’t use after a tummy tuck. When she is back in the picture and he is talking to her (they are neighbors) I know he’s using!!
Tomorrow will be 2 full weeks of no contact, I blocked him from calling my cell phone, he did try and call me at work about a 12 days ago but I kept hanging up on him.
In these two weeks I’ve felt came like I haven’t in a very long time. I feel peace yet at the same time I feel lost – think that’s normal though. I feel like I lost my best friend and I have.
The good thing this time is that he actually did go away, stopped bothering me and as I do feel calm about that I also feel like the calm before the storm. I think he’s out there again using probably drinking and who knows what else. He is also bi-polar and in the past he’s stopped taking those meds which then makes him even more out of his mind then ever. That’s when the rotten name calling phone calls would come then followed by the stop over to apologize and beg forgiveness…………that has not happened this time – YET and I hope it doesn’t because I hate confrontations especially with someone out of their minds. He said some psychotic things to me the night I pulled the plug and a few days later he attempted more nasty rotten things but I would not give him that satisfaction and I continued to hang up on him.
Anyway I thank you again for your truly inspiring story, I will go back and read and
I have no doubt I will to continue to learn from you.
PS I have been in al-anon for a number of years and I think the program has helped me stand strong, your inspiration will help me move forward!!!
Thank you for this post and sharing your experience with us. I have begun to read many of your posts and I thank you for being so inspiring to those of us new to being/having an *ex*.
I also was in a 10 year relationship with an opiate addict, he was clean and sober the first 3 years of our relationship. When we met he had been clean sober for 3 years so he managed to pull together 6 years but could not sustain it. After a separation/rehab/clean living house/out – patient therapy we resumed our relationship. It was really good for a number of years but then relapse reared its ugly head and the last 3 have been up and down.
He was injured at work in Oct and the day he went to DR I believe he began his pain meds again and then it all went down hill rather quickly after that.
The lies started, the manipulation began and I moved out on Nov 2. A week later he was begging me to work on the relationship all the typical crap – couldn’t live with out me, wouldn’t survive this injury and the pain meds with out me yada yada yada.
True was he involved himself with someone who had attempted to destroy our relationship in the past, someone who told me that she wised I had just died when I had breast cancer so it would be easy for her to be with him. A year and half ago she provided him with HER pain meds she didn’t use after a tummy tuck. When she is back in the picture and he is talking to her (they are neighbors) I know he’s using!!
Tomorrow will be 2 full weeks of no contact, I blocked him from calling my cell phone, he did try and call me at work about a 12 days ago but I kept hanging up on him.
In these two weeks I’ve felt came like I haven’t in a very long time. I feel peace yet at the same time I feel lost – think that’s normal though. I feel like I lost my best friend and I have.
The good thing this time is that he actually did go away, stopped bothering me and as I do feel calm about that I also feel like the calm before the storm. I think he’s out there again using probably drinking and who knows what else. He is also bi-polar and in the past he’s stopped taking those meds which then makes him even more out of his mind then ever. That’s when the rotten name calling phone calls would come then followed by the stop over to apologize and beg forgiveness…………that has not happened this time – YET and I hope it doesn’t because I hate confrontations especially with someone out of their minds. He said some psychotic things to me the night I pulled the plug and a few days later he attempted more nasty rotten things but I would not give him that satisfaction and I continued to hang up on him.
Anyway I thank you again for your truly inspiring story, I will go back and read and
I have no doubt I will to continue to learn from you.
PS I have been in al-anon for a number of years and I think the program has helped me stand strong, your inspiration will help me move forward!!!
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Hi atalose...
"Tomorrow will be 2 full weeks of no contact.."
First of all let me start by saying good for you!
It's not easy to stay away from those we've become addicted to. I swear, I had physical symptoms of withdrawal! I couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate...cried EVERY FIVE SECONDS, or was it three?
And he didn't call Me. It was like a standoff. I made him leave, but was upset that he didn't call me, didn't beg for forgiveness, didn't come "clean" and check himself into rehab. Back then I used to think rehab was the "magic bullet"... bus as you and I both know, it is not.
And in truth, I just stopped crying about 2 months ago. Now, I wasn't bawling like I was...but every once in awhile, I would start crying over the loss. The "what could have beens". The fantasy of a man I dreamed up in my head. The guy I was TRYING to make him, instead of the guy that he really he is.
It ain't easy being a Codie! But each day I discover something new about myself, I am inspired and excited about seeing this world with the new set of eyes that I have now.
"I think he’s out there again using probably drinking and who knows what else. "
And you are probably right. But he is a grown man and that is the decision he made for himself. Now he must live with the consequences...and for the last two weeks, you have allowed him the space to fall on his face all by his lonesome.
For me, the hardest times were the "quiet" times. That's when my head would start reeling. I just stayed here and started replacing all the delusional thoughts, with healthy, realistic ones. All inspired my the people here at SR.
"your inspiration will help me move forward!!! "
My story is the same as all the others, and will be the same as yours someday soon. We are not unique, we are not different....and most importantly, we are not alone.
I am glad I am here to help you as the others here helped me.
One day at a time.
You now have Four hours and five minutes until you have officially completed another day of no contact! Sweet!!!!!
"Tomorrow will be 2 full weeks of no contact.."
First of all let me start by saying good for you!
It's not easy to stay away from those we've become addicted to. I swear, I had physical symptoms of withdrawal! I couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate...cried EVERY FIVE SECONDS, or was it three?
And he didn't call Me. It was like a standoff. I made him leave, but was upset that he didn't call me, didn't beg for forgiveness, didn't come "clean" and check himself into rehab. Back then I used to think rehab was the "magic bullet"... bus as you and I both know, it is not.And in truth, I just stopped crying about 2 months ago. Now, I wasn't bawling like I was...but every once in awhile, I would start crying over the loss. The "what could have beens". The fantasy of a man I dreamed up in my head. The guy I was TRYING to make him, instead of the guy that he really he is.
It ain't easy being a Codie! But each day I discover something new about myself, I am inspired and excited about seeing this world with the new set of eyes that I have now.
"I think he’s out there again using probably drinking and who knows what else. "
And you are probably right. But he is a grown man and that is the decision he made for himself. Now he must live with the consequences...and for the last two weeks, you have allowed him the space to fall on his face all by his lonesome.
For me, the hardest times were the "quiet" times. That's when my head would start reeling. I just stayed here and started replacing all the delusional thoughts, with healthy, realistic ones. All inspired my the people here at SR.
"your inspiration will help me move forward!!! "
My story is the same as all the others, and will be the same as yours someday soon. We are not unique, we are not different....and most importantly, we are not alone.
I am glad I am here to help you as the others here helped me.
One day at a time.
You now have Four hours and five minutes until you have officially completed another day of no contact! Sweet!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Thank you sofacat I think I may be relying on you for a while to keep me grounded, hope you don’t mind.
No it’s not easy being a codie but I feel this inner strength I don’t remember having with the exception of leaving my ex-husband many years ago. It’s this strength that propels me forward and keeps me on track. My track, my side of the street, my hand on my own handle bars. And you know what, it feels empowering and right. In the past it never felt right, guilt always set in and pulled me back.
Thank you for being here!!!! (((hugs))))
No it’s not easy being a codie but I feel this inner strength I don’t remember having with the exception of leaving my ex-husband many years ago. It’s this strength that propels me forward and keeps me on track. My track, my side of the street, my hand on my own handle bars. And you know what, it feels empowering and right. In the past it never felt right, guilt always set in and pulled me back.
Thank you for being here!!!! (((hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"guilt always set in and pulled me back. "
I can't remember who posted this awhile back, but I saved it. I have Mac, so I copy phrases and reminders from here and put them on Sticky notes on my Desktop.
They said:
"Until we have finally had enough, our curiosity will keep drawing us back into the dance. As long as we keep dancing, they will keep pulling the strings."
I keep post it's all over the place to remind myself to stay on my own path,
clean up my own backyard, and keep looking into my own cracked mirror...and stay out of everyone else's way...lest I keep getting in my own.
"Thank you sofacat I think I may be relying on you for a while to keep me grounded, hope you don’t mind."
I am here. We are here.
I can't remember who posted this awhile back, but I saved it. I have Mac, so I copy phrases and reminders from here and put them on Sticky notes on my Desktop.
They said:
"Until we have finally had enough, our curiosity will keep drawing us back into the dance. As long as we keep dancing, they will keep pulling the strings."
I keep post it's all over the place to remind myself to stay on my own path,
clean up my own backyard, and keep looking into my own cracked mirror...and stay out of everyone else's way...lest I keep getting in my own.
"Thank you sofacat I think I may be relying on you for a while to keep me grounded, hope you don’t mind."
I am here. We are here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
LOL I do the same thing with sticky notes, they are every where and I have a similar one:
You can’t morn the loss if you are still dancing with the corps!!!!!
It’s funny about that thing called curiosity – I do have those thoughts to drive by his apartment see if his truck is there or has moved to a different spot – guess my codie tells me to make sure he’s still alive! But the good thing is I haven’t done that and nor do I plan to. When those thoughts begin to roll into my stubborn/thick head I remind myself of the hurt and pain and ultimately embarrassment if he were to see me doing that. I I would destroy this empowerment feeling I am running with right now, I won’t risk losing that for dumb drive by’s or anything else dumb and pointless.
You can’t morn the loss if you are still dancing with the corps!!!!!
It’s funny about that thing called curiosity – I do have those thoughts to drive by his apartment see if his truck is there or has moved to a different spot – guess my codie tells me to make sure he’s still alive! But the good thing is I haven’t done that and nor do I plan to. When those thoughts begin to roll into my stubborn/thick head I remind myself of the hurt and pain and ultimately embarrassment if he were to see me doing that. I I would destroy this empowerment feeling I am running with right now, I won’t risk losing that for dumb drive by’s or anything else dumb and pointless.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"I would destroy this empowerment feeling I am running with right now."
Destroying it would be letting him back in your house and repeating the same ole same ole. That would be a full blown Codie relapse.
I would consider this a minor setback.
A hiccup, if you will.
You're catching yourself doing it, and working through it.
Now, that's empowering!
Yes?
BTW....don't think for a minute that I don't creep on over to MrSofa's FB page on occasion.
See up there under my name sofacat?
It says "work in progress."
Baby steps. You're doing great!
Destroying it would be letting him back in your house and repeating the same ole same ole. That would be a full blown Codie relapse.
I would consider this a minor setback.
A hiccup, if you will.
You're catching yourself doing it, and working through it.
Now, that's empowering!
Yes?
BTW....don't think for a minute that I don't creep on over to MrSofa's FB page on occasion.
See up there under my name sofacat?
It says "work in progress."
Baby steps. You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Thanks Sofacat. Your story is similar to mine. The pain has finally gone away after 3 years post divorce. SR helped me when I read "let go or be dragged." I read Codependent No More too and that helped nudge me. I was addicted to helping him and he didn't want to change. I ended up as sick as him. I also had the awakening that he wasn't who I thought he was. I saw him as is- not who I wanted him to be. His disease was progressing fast. My Alanon group helped. It was a tiny little group out in the sticks of Virginia. Thay saved my life. Now I am in gratitude for the lessons and I have let go of him to his higher power. I have healthy boundaries for me. We are not alone here. Happy New Life and Year everyone!
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