bluebelle

I have been wrestling with my feelings ever since my RABF of 14 years got fired again. We do things together, and live in the same house. However, I still feel a lack of connection. I don't know if it is because I feel some kind of anger or resentment over his problems with the jobs. As far as I know, he's not back on drugs. He's been clean for over 2 years. It's just that he doesn't have that much to do now that he is jobless, yet he is always whining and complaining. He's tired, and is not up to doing anything except watching TV, etc. I know that I shouldn't do this, but I do watch his pupils and they seem to be normal. He isn't scratching or anything. Plus, last time he relapsed on the pain pills, he reached his bottom pretty quickly. He was having to lie to doctors/pharmacies to support his habit. I wish we could have a reconnection, but I think I am also afraid of getting hurt again.

rayofsunshine

Maybe get him to go to dr for a checkup? Could it be he's suffering from depression?
I was laid off for close to a year and I was the same way... tired, watched tv most of day, looked for jobs online a little, but my get up and go had went. I'm working again, but have this whole week off and all those feelings have returned. I have to make myself get up and do something. I'm thinking of going to the doctor myself!

It is hard to trust again once we've been hurt. (((HUGS)))

doggonecarl

If your RABF is going through a period of unemployment and not using, he should be commended. I don't mean to be gender-biased, but we men tend to identify with our job, with being a bread winner. We lose that, we lose part of us. When I was out of work, I felt less a man.

That said, it doesn't resolve what you are going through, nor dismiss the disconnectedness you feel. How are you and your BF's recovery programs helping you with the current situation?

bluebelle

He could get a job easily. It's just that he'd probably end up getting fired again. He says he is taking this time to get certifications and to figure out what he really wants to do. He is using his retirement savings and is doing a few odd jobs for $. He does have clinical depression and goes to a psychiatrist. He is receiving treatment. I go to a psychiatrist for a similar issue. I tend to have a chronic, low-level depression & anxiety.

We have been arguing a lot. It is hard to tell him anything. He interrupts, and doesn't want to follow anything I say. If I tell him to turn left, he'd turn right. I assume it is the same thing that keeps getting him fired. I know that I can have a tendency to give lots of advice and that I try to control other people's behavior. It is an issue that I work on. He agrees that he has a temper problem and he is working on it. He has discussed his short temper with his psych, and claims that his work was part of the problem.

He says he is tired of "people." He claims that he is not tired at me or angry at me. We spend time together doing things, but I still feel disconnected. I do get tired of him going on and on about how awful his job is and how awful his bosses are. It is always the same story--everybody else is at fault. He knows I am tired of hearing that. He calls all his friends to tell them his sob story. He says that they understand and see why the jobs didn't work out. I think he just hears what he wants to hear.

I feel frustrated because I have to ask him to do stuff (like feed the cats), and then he gets angry when I "nag" him. (That's because he never does what I ask him to do.) He keeps saying, "I'll do it." I think this probably sounds familiar to all of you. I don't know what if any of this has to do with substance abuse. I feel like I need to "accept" my situation, but I'm having a hard time with it. I guess I just have a really hard time between stating boundaries, standing up for myself, but to do it without sounding like I'm harassing. It's been a hard thing for me because I grew up with my addict mom, where I wasn't allowed to have any boundaries.

bluebelle

I'm just afraid that he is never going to keep a job. I worry that he will end up like my addict mom or addict dad. Neither one of them work. My addict dad lives off his wife, and my addict mom lives off of government help and my grandparents. I guess I'm so afraid of ending up in cycles, that I get anxious about it. Then, I have trouble letting go. I just don't want to spend my whole life in the same cycle.

rayofsunshine

This is understandable and it is your choice whether to spend your whole life in the same cycle with your RABF. Don't forget you do have a choice! You have to take care of you and your happiness... no one else can do that for you. Set boundaries on what you are willing to tolerate in your life. Maybe think about a time period... if things are still the same in 3 months or 6 months, then you consider separation. Continue to work on you... read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie ... keep reading and posting, go to meetings if you can. As you get stronger and learn more, you'll be more knowledgeable and feel more confident in what you want out of life and what you're willing to tolerate or not tolerate.

bluebelle

Thanks! I have read the book several times front to back. I also have her second book and I read the daily devotions. I do have control over my own decisions and what I want for my life. RABF and I enjoy doing so many things together. I just get annoyed about some of the things he says—you know like when he tells people about how he has these projects selling things on the web. I know that he’s sold like 3 items. Or, that he wants to multitask—and how he hates this job because it’s too political, and that job because it’s too boring. I just want to roll my eyes. My friend yesterday pointed out that I let him talk over me, and let him interrupt me. I didn’t even realize that. I know that I think he should act certain ways or do certain things, and that I get frustrated when his behavior is not like I think it should be. I don’t know if I am expecting too much. I’m afraid that part of my behavior is that I am being codependent and thinking about what he should do and how he should act. I’m focusing too much on his actions, and not enough on my own. I think it’s easy for me to say what is best for him, but to not know what is best for me.

bluebelle

I’ve had it as long as I can remember. I have dysthymia, which is a low level, constant depression. It’s either genetic, or has to do with issues when I was a child. (Or, more likely, both.)