Great relationship ended over na/aa children
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 14
Great relationship ended over na/aa children
I just recently broke up with a fantastic women .She has 2 kids that are using both alcohol and hard drugs.In the begining of our relationship I tried to be understanding ,but comming from a home with an alc. father I have little tolerance for substance abuse of any kind. The kids are just of legal age but started on this path at approx age 15. My x-gf has tried all forms of rehab with both of them .It seems to be the typical story,they get clean for a while then fall right back into the same hole.
It killed me to see the pain she was in, and every time one or both of them stumbled I felt more and more resentment towards them.I cant say if every attempt she made to try and get them well was correct. I cant understand how anyone would go through all this treatment ,cause there mother and them selves so much pain and then go right back to to using.
I know looking for answers now is too late to save what we had ,this should of been done earlier in the relationship.For this I will take the blame. I still love this girl with all my heart and want to gain as much knowledge on the subject as I can.
I welcome your thoughts,questions and any advise.
KnotC
It killed me to see the pain she was in, and every time one or both of them stumbled I felt more and more resentment towards them.I cant say if every attempt she made to try and get them well was correct. I cant understand how anyone would go through all this treatment ,cause there mother and them selves so much pain and then go right back to to using.
I know looking for answers now is too late to save what we had ,this should of been done earlier in the relationship.For this I will take the blame. I still love this girl with all my heart and want to gain as much knowledge on the subject as I can.
I welcome your thoughts,questions and any advise.
KnotC
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR KnotC. I'm so sorry that your xgf's kid's drug use came between you and your love. I can see how that could happen. It is difficult to watch another person in pain over something that they cannot control but are desparately trying to control anyway.
I am sometimes amazed at my dear husband. He is not the biological father of my son but has raised him since he was three (he is now 29). The best thing I can do for my husband is to detach from my son's addiction and recovery. It is what has given us both relief. He (my husband) encourages and supports the time that I spend on reading about codependence, going to Naranon meetings, and the time I spend here on SR. He knows that those activities are what keep me healthy and able to detach from my son.
gentle hugs
I am sometimes amazed at my dear husband. He is not the biological father of my son but has raised him since he was three (he is now 29). The best thing I can do for my husband is to detach from my son's addiction and recovery. It is what has given us both relief. He (my husband) encourages and supports the time that I spend on reading about codependence, going to Naranon meetings, and the time I spend here on SR. He knows that those activities are what keep me healthy and able to detach from my son.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 14
Please explain detachment time period
I know my ex tried to detach from both kids during our relationship. The question I have is how long should a parent stay detached? It seemed she would use tough love , put them into treatment but as soon as they were clean for as little as a few weeks the kids were allowed to move back in . As most of you know after a short time the drinking and drug use would start again.
After reading through a # of posts on this site ,I realized they were controlling both our lives as well as controlling our relationship.
How long should they be clean before they are allowed to come home and privliges returned?
After reading through a # of posts on this site ,I realized they were controlling both our lives as well as controlling our relationship.
How long should they be clean before they are allowed to come home and privliges returned?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Hi, welcome to SR, Detachment is IMO for a lifetime... even once they are clean you have to stay detached on some levels. Only your xgf can decide what if any boundaries she wants to set. A great book if the two of you are speaking to each other or maybe just to give you some insight on a possibility of how your xgf acts that might be helpful is Codependent No More.
I have 2 AS and an AH, I defiently know how hard it can be to detach.
I have 2 AS and an AH, I defiently know how hard it can be to detach.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Detachment IS for a lifetime..in my opinion it does adult kids no good to come home..they need a sober living environment that mommy and daddy can't provide.There are a few notable exceptions on this site where the parents have had REAL strong boundaries and the adult kids were REAL motivated to recover..in general letting them come home is a disaster and I speak from experience. I understand wanting out of the insanity..believe me if it weren't my own kid i woulda run screaming a looong time ago.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 14
I always felt they needed to prove themselves far longer than a few weeks or even a few months. Not being the parent I didnt feel I could strongly voice my opinion on when privilages could be given back. A year was always talked about but after a few weeks she felt rewards might motivate. Looking back I feel it made them worse. Now they realized no matter what they do mom will take us back in, give us our cell phones and drive us around to look for jobs.
FYI the "kids" I'm talking about are 22 and 20
FYI the "kids" I'm talking about are 22 and 20
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Hi KNOTC,
It is so sad to see, once again drugs and alcohol tormenting lives. Hard for you to sit back and see it all happening, helpless because you know it is very touchy to get between a momma bear and her cubs. I really feel for you and her. It was my husband who was the addict (well exah now) it was a very hard and sorrow time, very hard to detach and getting to the point that I knew it was going to be a longtime before I could ever allow him to live with us again. The sorrow was very so unbearable. I had many ups and downs, ins and outs with his parents, mainly his mom, as she would not stop enabling him, I would get so mad with her. I then took a step back and thought how devastated she must be, this is her son, her cub. Not to undermine a wife and the sorrow and heartbreak we endear, but on one hand I have the chance to move on and in time make a knew life for myself. A Mom, Dad, Son or Daughter ect. can never be replaced. As I mentioned he is now my exah as he never did clean up and it did leave me broken in some places that I don't know if I will ever mend again, but then I grew in other place that I never knew I had within me.
I had to really take a good look at your post, as for what I am going to tell you is just what is going on with me. My exah and I had 2 sons, they as well are 20 and 22. From around their ages of 15 and 16 I really started to have problems with them, about 2 years after their dad was gone. They were smoking pot and had no use for any house rules, what I said ment nothing, their verbal abuse towards me is horrific. I truthfully thought that they hated me, so anything they asked me for if I could do it I would, in hopes that they would like me. I also felt so much guilt for how their lives were when their dad was so out of control. It was a terrible home life for a child to have to go through. My oldest son moved out about 2 years ago, after sometime our relationship got so much better. He suffers from migraine headaches along with vomitting and has for many years, if it wasn't the worst thing the Dr. could have done, he gave him oxy's for the pain. When he moved out my younger one became worse, I was becoming afraid of him, I don't know how much pot he was smoking, but I know it was a lot and
alchol as well, out partying very late, then having to get up and go to work or school with maybe 2 hours of sleep, I would go knock on his door and he would yell and scream at me that he didn't have to go, then an hour later he would come flying out of his room yelling at me why didn't you wake me up! I started dating this man and the two of them really clashed. This one day my son came to the house and was in the garage, he started flying off the handle and throwing things around and outside, my boyfriend got involved and they were going to go at it, I had to call the police. Since that day my son never came back around and it has been 6 months or so. I felt such a sadness inside, although that part of me knew that if I caved to him he would still treat me bad. Lastweek he KNOCKED on my door and asked what I was doing for Christmas, I told him I was staying home and asked if he would like to come, he said yes he would and what time. I was pretty happy, then my boyfriend said well if your son's are coming I will not be here. So with that I said my boys are coming and he packed his belongings and I have not seen him since Christmas Eve morning. I know he was frustrated with them and became upset when I was upset, felt helpless.
So from your point, do you think I should have told them No, not to come for Christmas?
Rose
It is so sad to see, once again drugs and alcohol tormenting lives. Hard for you to sit back and see it all happening, helpless because you know it is very touchy to get between a momma bear and her cubs. I really feel for you and her. It was my husband who was the addict (well exah now) it was a very hard and sorrow time, very hard to detach and getting to the point that I knew it was going to be a longtime before I could ever allow him to live with us again. The sorrow was very so unbearable. I had many ups and downs, ins and outs with his parents, mainly his mom, as she would not stop enabling him, I would get so mad with her. I then took a step back and thought how devastated she must be, this is her son, her cub. Not to undermine a wife and the sorrow and heartbreak we endear, but on one hand I have the chance to move on and in time make a knew life for myself. A Mom, Dad, Son or Daughter ect. can never be replaced. As I mentioned he is now my exah as he never did clean up and it did leave me broken in some places that I don't know if I will ever mend again, but then I grew in other place that I never knew I had within me.
I had to really take a good look at your post, as for what I am going to tell you is just what is going on with me. My exah and I had 2 sons, they as well are 20 and 22. From around their ages of 15 and 16 I really started to have problems with them, about 2 years after their dad was gone. They were smoking pot and had no use for any house rules, what I said ment nothing, their verbal abuse towards me is horrific. I truthfully thought that they hated me, so anything they asked me for if I could do it I would, in hopes that they would like me. I also felt so much guilt for how their lives were when their dad was so out of control. It was a terrible home life for a child to have to go through. My oldest son moved out about 2 years ago, after sometime our relationship got so much better. He suffers from migraine headaches along with vomitting and has for many years, if it wasn't the worst thing the Dr. could have done, he gave him oxy's for the pain. When he moved out my younger one became worse, I was becoming afraid of him, I don't know how much pot he was smoking, but I know it was a lot and
alchol as well, out partying very late, then having to get up and go to work or school with maybe 2 hours of sleep, I would go knock on his door and he would yell and scream at me that he didn't have to go, then an hour later he would come flying out of his room yelling at me why didn't you wake me up! I started dating this man and the two of them really clashed. This one day my son came to the house and was in the garage, he started flying off the handle and throwing things around and outside, my boyfriend got involved and they were going to go at it, I had to call the police. Since that day my son never came back around and it has been 6 months or so. I felt such a sadness inside, although that part of me knew that if I caved to him he would still treat me bad. Lastweek he KNOCKED on my door and asked what I was doing for Christmas, I told him I was staying home and asked if he would like to come, he said yes he would and what time. I was pretty happy, then my boyfriend said well if your son's are coming I will not be here. So with that I said my boys are coming and he packed his belongings and I have not seen him since Christmas Eve morning. I know he was frustrated with them and became upset when I was upset, felt helpless.
So from your point, do you think I should have told them No, not to come for Christmas?
Rose
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 14
Rose I'm sorry he left . I am in no position to say you were right or wrong. Only thing I might say is before you asked them you could of talked it over with your bf. He might of been ok with it ??? Your story is very sim. To mine. I got blindsided right before thanks giving. Needless to say I didn't call for weeks and now were done. I don't hate my ex for keeping things from me she was being torn between me and her " babies" . I felt I had to be done because I loved her so much , I felt the way she was going about fixing the kids Was all wrong. I saw the kids bring her nothing but pain and looking into her crying eyes just tore me up.
After sifting through the info on this site I don't think my ex Wants to or ever will detach from her kids. I saw myself growing old with her but not with a couple of 30 year old "children" living with us.
After sifting through the info on this site I don't think my ex Wants to or ever will detach from her kids. I saw myself growing old with her but not with a couple of 30 year old "children" living with us.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I can't blame you one bit for the choice you made and why. I think in due time she will reach out for help, but sadly it is going to be when she is ready and who knows when that time will come. I wish I knew her, because we need all the support and undertanding we can get, not saying you didn't support her at all, just meaning we can relate to each others feeling and thoughts of why and why not we do what we do. I know when I was going through the trouble with me exah I finally reach out and went to alanon and it was one of the best things that I could have done for myself.
Your post must have been a gift to me, as I think it is a must for me to return.
I can't really blame it all on my boys for my boyfriend leaving, like I said they all had real issues with each other, my boys had no real use for him, as he didn't have a job and they would come here and he would be laying on my couch while I was at work. I am not going to get into it all, but the whole things was bringing me down.
Rose
Your post must have been a gift to me, as I think it is a must for me to return.
I can't really blame it all on my boys for my boyfriend leaving, like I said they all had real issues with each other, my boys had no real use for him, as he didn't have a job and they would come here and he would be laying on my couch while I was at work. I am not going to get into it all, but the whole things was bringing me down.
Rose
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 14
wE'RE BACK TOGETHER!
This is the "EX" and I'm so happy for this site and your help! I truly believe it was a major part of our getting back together! I have been through couseling/therapy myself for 20+ years now as it began with my ex-husband, alcoholic/addict and now both my children for 5+ years. Son age 21 and daughter age 20. I know the do's and don'ts and understand that doing NOTHING is truly the only possible beginning for an alcoholic/addict to reach out for recovery. My daughter has been worse off and the only hard part for me is staying strong when I need to be ALL the time! I know many of you parents share my feelings! My daughter has been in and out of too many treatment programs over the past 5 years. Still blames everyone/everything else for her situation etc. She has only been clean for about 3-4 months tops in the last 5 years. She has seen her friends die, has had horrible things happen to her because of her poor choices etc. God what is rock bottom for them huh???? I get that we will never understand this though! My daughter just got bailed out of jail this past week by her boyfriend (NOT THE THING TO DO) she met him in a treatment program again and left with him and relapsed as she keeps doing. She asked me last night if she could come stay with me until her court date this week, said she had nowhere to go after today, Sunday, and is finding another treatment program to begin once again. Every time I have brought her back into my home it has failed and been a nightmare. I told her NOT an option by text after she played me for being a heartless bad mom etc. by several text messages. PLEASE HELP KEEP ME STRONG! I APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 14
Sorry one more thing
I know the answer but again just need your support. She wants me to take her to her court date (for shoplifting and having drugs on her) this week but I have told her she's on her own. She got herself into this problem again and only she can get herself out of this! I always tell her I love her and always fear the worst. Doing my best to do nothing to help her as I know nothing is the only way to help her!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am glad that you two are back together! Now, please use all your tools to stay strong.
My story is in the "Stories of Recovery" forum, wherein I explain how my folks finally said ENOUGH. It took me some more time to find recovery from alcoholism and drugs, but to this day I say IT WAS THE BEST THING MY PARENTS EVER DID FOR ME!
At 3 years into recovery I also started to learn more tools for my codependency.
I do believe you have done the correct thing for your daughter!!
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. Might I suggest you get your own 'login' name and password as it will be less confusing for us and for you.
Glad y'all have found us!
Love and hugs,
My story is in the "Stories of Recovery" forum, wherein I explain how my folks finally said ENOUGH. It took me some more time to find recovery from alcoholism and drugs, but to this day I say IT WAS THE BEST THING MY PARENTS EVER DID FOR ME!
At 3 years into recovery I also started to learn more tools for my codependency.
I do believe you have done the correct thing for your daughter!!
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. Might I suggest you get your own 'login' name and password as it will be less confusing for us and for you.
Glad y'all have found us!
Love and hugs,
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Hi KNOTC, I'm confused by your last post. Your ex-gfriend has a court date for shoplifting and drug possession? I thought your ex was the mother of two young adults who have substance abuse problems?
I just wanted to address the comments regarding young adults between age 18-22. Adolescence actually commonly lasts until age 22. The age of majority used to be 21 until the early 70s but for various societal reasons states reduced it to 18. The drinking age is 21, obviously, so these young adults of age 20, 21, etc. are just venturing out into the "real world" for the first time during these years, imo.
I just wanted to address the comments regarding young adults between age 18-22. Adolescence actually commonly lasts until age 22. The age of majority used to be 21 until the early 70s but for various societal reasons states reduced it to 18. The drinking age is 21, obviously, so these young adults of age 20, 21, etc. are just venturing out into the "real world" for the first time during these years, imo.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi KNOTC,
I hope your girlfriend's son's daughter's boyfriend's court-date goes well.
I am glad that your son has reunited with your boyfriend and that the judge made up with the bailiff.
LOL, nah, seriously, I get it. And, sounds like you (the girlfriend) gets it. Be strong and enjoy growing old together without two bailiffs and a lawyer living with you. LOL.
I hope your girlfriend's son's daughter's boyfriend's court-date goes well.
I am glad that your son has reunited with your boyfriend and that the judge made up with the bailiff.
LOL, nah, seriously, I get it. And, sounds like you (the girlfriend) gets it. Be strong and enjoy growing old together without two bailiffs and a lawyer living with you. LOL.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 14
Is it ok to ONLY give her a ride to a treatment center once i've confirmed she is accepted? Or since it has been too many times now, do I continue to NOT help at all? This is always a tough one for me! As I always hope this will be the turning of her recovery.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Is it ok to ONLY give her a ride to a treatment center once i've confirmed she is accepted?
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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