vaya

My AS just got arrested for possession. He called me from the city jail and is being transferred to county jail. He had just gotten out of ER psych ward today. He went there largely at my and his girlfriend's urging. He was in a real bind....broke....and constantly fighting withdrawals. Went through his GR ($220)in 5 days. He was in the process of following through with court ordered rehab for probation violation, but had been dragging his heels since they ordered it. I kept on him about making the phone calls and setting up contingencies, hoping he'd get in, whether or not he wanted it. At least he'd be safe in rehab and get time off the drugs to hopefully get his brain back and get perspective on things. Since he was at an impasse and broke, ER seemed like the best thing for now.

ER released him after only 2 days and didn't even call me about it. I was hoping to arrange transportation for him and make sure he got home safely.

2 days off drugs in the ER obviously wasn't enough. He got anxiety medication from the hospital. That wasn't enough. He had to go out in search of heroin, again. He was working his way home on the bus with no money and was only a short distance away when he was arrested.

I don't know what's going to happen now. I hope they still place him in court ordered rehab, since he didn't fulfil the court's orders yet and had until Jan.7.He's out of Prop 36 time. Been in jail several times before.

The county jail also has a mental health program, with the possibility of alternative sentencing in mental health treatment,which might be better for him if he gets counseling, etc. Some people 'get it' in jail...but it's such a bad influence too. A lot of people are just doing there time and not necessarily interested in rehab or changing their ways. I can fax the county jail info about his just getting out of ER and previous history of anxiety disorder, but don't have all the medical specifics.

I don't know if I should do that or not. I'd like to talk to him about it first, but can't. They'll screen him anyway at the jail for mental health issues and probably see his hospital wrist band and the fact that he was prescribed meds.

I just wanted him to come home tonight. I felt and hoped I could help him if I could just get him here. (I know I can only do so much) The last time he was here his younger brother beat him up about some stuff and it was a terrible scene.I didn't get to hug him before he left, just rubbed his back and encouraged him.

I'm afraid he may have to go to prison....that's what his lawyer said if he gets in trouble again. I pray that won't happen. Prison would just ruin him and harden him. The court has been lenient and he still is supposed to go to rehab.

I know he's at his bottom and this should be a real wake up call for him. I don't know. He just has come to expect this sort of thing since he's been in jail for this before and it hasn't taught him a thing.

Im just devastated and crying my eyes out. One minute he was here, abeit in terrible shape, and now he gone.I don't even know if I can visit him since I don't have the right ID.(Waiting for a replacement for almost 3 months now) I know intellectually that this could be a good thing because at least I know where he is and he won't be using. That's why I don't want him to go to prison. You can get anything there and it won't help him. He's not that tough, even though he acts it sometime.

His bail is 10,000, but I don't think I can afford to risk it if I bailed him out. I also know he's probably safer inside for now so he'll stay off the drugs. He hasn't even asked to be bailed out. Doesn't expect it. No one ever did before.

Im just a wreck over this. Can't stop crying. Can only pray, call his lawyer tomorrow, try to get him into a program.Maybe the place he was ordered to go to can open a bed for him now that he's in jail. They reserve a percentage of beds for incarcerated addicts.

Does anyone know about the alternative mental health program in California?
I welcome any words of comfort, advice, anything......

susanlauren

Vaya,
I am so sorry that you and your son are going through such a difficult time. Please remember that just as you have a Higher Power that loves and cares for you, so does your son. Your son may need this experience to reach his bottom and to truly seek help. This may be a blessing in disguise and the miracle you are praying for. As much as you don't want to see your son in jail, at least he is in a safe place. I would encourage you to stay in the moment as much as possible and not project the future. Take things day by day. There is a saying that I think is appropro: "The worst things in my life never even happened to me." Please be kind and gentle with yourself.
Susan

vaya

Thank you Susanlauren. I know it can be a blessing in disguise and I pray he will want to seek help and stop using. I pray that this will expedite the court's previous orders into rehab and he will truly embrace it. I pray I have the strength and faith to stop trying to control the outcome.

chicory

Vaya,
I know that this must be very painful and hard for you. Susan had some very good advice tho. To stay in the moment, and rely on your higher power to show you the next thing that you need to do.

Your son has to want recovery. you cant make him want it, and til he does , he wont get better. let the consequences do their work, and get a bit of rest while he cant use drugs. he will have time to get his head clear, and I pray that they put him where he needs to be. And as Susan said, he has his higher power too, who loves him. it is hard to think that the crummy things that happen can be answer to prayers.

hang in there , and keep posting. so many have been where you are, and can help. I am a mom of an AS, and I can relate to your sorrow.

Sending hugs and prayers for your peace, and for your son to see what he needs.
chicory

litehorse

vaya, my heart goes out to you dear, i understand all too well how you feel about jail and the possibility of prison - my son is in jail now awaiting assignment to a state facility - it is a scary situation and i wish there was something to say that would make it less stressful - i haven't found those words - what i have found is that there is comfort in letting go of the feeling that we can or should control what is going on - the day before my son was arrested i knew he was on a vicious downward spiral and i lay facedown in the middle of the pasture and asked God to take control and do what needed to be done to give him a chance at life - he was arrested the next morning - he is saying the right things and i'm praying that his intentions and his faith will take him through this time and back out into life a different man than he had become - even though i know prison is a bad place God is there too and good things can happen there- have faith -i don't mean to talk so much about my situation i just want you to know that you are not alone and there are those who know how you feel and want to help you through - take a breath - (((((hugs)))))
debra

Kindeyes

vaya
I am so very sorry for the pain your heart feels right now. I am so intimately familiar with all of those things you are feeling. It's a terrible feeling.

Your dear son is in God's hands right now. Everything that is happening to him is out of your control. And trying to gain control of his situation may be detrimental to a possibility of his recovery. I understand how hard it is to step out of his HP's way.

Sometimes......when we pray for God's intervention.......it doesn't always look like we think it should look.

You and your dear son are in my thoughts and prayers today. Try to find something...anything.....to divert your attention away from his current situation and direct it at taking care of you. When our minds and heart are so full of the negatives surrounding our addicts circumstances, that is when we need to be mindful of ourselves and our health (both physical and mental).

Take care of you, Vaya. And know that there are a whole bunch of people here on SR sending prayers up for you and for your son.

gentle hugs

outtolunch

Back in August, you shared:

"I was lucky he can stay with his girlfriend for now and won't have to be on the streets, at least yet."

Three years ago, likely to the minute, I too was consumed with saving my daughter from heroin addiciton. I practically emotionally, physically and financially bankrupted myself in the process. I made her addiction all about me.

No one here understood that my story was different. My daughter was different. I was different. They kept yapping about my own recovery - what the hell-o was that all about?

"It isn't over...he came back to visit tonight, wound up getting loaded, and asked to stay....which I let him do....but he will have to go back to his girlfriends tomorrow."

I too kept doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. My own rock bottom came when I finally was humbled that I had no power over my daughter, her choices. There was absolutely nothing I could do to cure her.There was absolutely nothing I could do to cause or prevent chronic relapse. Heroin was her battle. Getting out of her way and letting her fall, realize the consequences of her choices was tough stuff for this mom.

"I can no longer take a front row seat to his addiction and self destruction"

These are your own words, written back in August. 4 months later and it appears that you remain front row center to it all. I am not aware of any heroin addict that has been able to recover until they experience consequences. Rehabs do not cure addiction. At best, rehab can teach a highly receptive and motivated person the tools of recovery. Unless they want it more than anything, it's not going to take.

My daughter is clean today. She did it her way when she was ready. When I look back, all my obsession, time, energy and money only prolonged her journey because I cushioned the consequences.

It's Christmas. Can you consider giving your son the gift of dignity to experience the consequences of addiction?

suki44883

Vaya, I'm sorry this is happening, but it could be the best thing for him right now. Something has to stop the cycle he is in, and this could be it. Many times when we interfere, we prolong the agony. If this is his bottom, let him figure that out. Step back and let his HP deal with this. Help comes in mysterious ways sometimes.

Chino

I'm sorry you're hurting vaya.

Prison is worse than jail and if that's where he goes, it will have a greater impact on him. A very old friend of mine, from childhood, did two stints in prison in CA. He left CA after prison, he's been sober for 15 years now, got married and has two beautiful children

hello-kitty

Hands off the addict. It doesn't sound like he's at his bottom. If he was he would be seeking help as opposed to going out and seeking heroin. the good news is, if you stop rescuing him from the consequences of his actions, he might hit his bottom sooner than later.

Where's your bottom Vaya? Are you getting help for yourself? I forget, do you attend al-anon, have a sponsor, work the steps - you know - work the recovery you wish your son would work?

vaya

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts and empathy. It really helped me tonight. I was in a tizzy all day about my son, trying to talk to his lawyer several times, trying to find out whether or not he was 'housed', could have visitors, etc...didn't help that the sheriff website was down all day, but I could have chosen to let it go rather than spending hours trying to get through. While I know his being in jail is a blessing and gives me peace knowing he's not using for now, it still pulled atett my mommy strings big time and had me almost feeling sorry for him. I even charged $25 on my credit card so I could receive phone calls from him during these first few days.I was even calling my mom and his girlfriend suggesting they do the same! I absolutely will not do that again. Whatever happens to him he can write letters if he wants to get in touch with me. It'll be better if he can't always just pick up the phone in jail to ask for something or to reach out to the outside. He'll have to learn to face himself and deal with his situation.

He goes to court tomorrow morning for arraignment. I really wanted to be there, to the point of even not going to work tomorrow. After reading your responses I came to my senses and decided I would go to work and whatever happens at court happens. I don't get paid for days off and really need the money now, especially since my hours have been cut recently. I'm glad I decided to do what I needed to do for me and my younger son and not let my AS court situation control my situation and choices and possibly risk being cut more hours if I called in sick. I know what the charges are and the fact that he'll go to arraignment tomorrow and they'll hold him for about 10 days until his court date he had coming up early January, according to his lawyer. There's really nothing I can do by going to court tomorrow. I was going to try and show my support for my AS, but he'll have to tough it out himself tomorrow. I'll find out the outcome when I find it out. His girlfriend may go there tomorrow anyway. I think it'll be easier and better for me to go to work and not obsess and stress about the situation and just try to focus on peace and a enjoyable holiday with my younger son.

As for working the steps, etc.....I do go occassionally to a Families Anonymous meeting, similar to Alanon. I don't think I'm codependent. I'm just a worried mother who is learning to let go and realize she can't make her AS do anything to change. My growth comes in stages. I'm glad I stop and check in here and reach out. It helps me get a perspective on things. it also helps me to have a place to let out my anger, pain, frustration, worry, etc.....Yes I know letting go is important and I am learning to do that and haven't given in to everything my AS asks for and to let him deal with the consequences of his actions. I don't feel I need a formal program of steps at this time.

hello-kitty

Hi Vaya,

I hope things are going better for you today and your head is a little clearer.

As far as the steps go, they are just a great way to approach life in general. I worked through the steps when I was struggling with my ex. I decided that the steps would, at the very least, give me some new coping tools to deal with my very confusing life at the time. If I wasn't an addict or a codependent, I sure as heck didn't want to become one either. And I recognized that the way I was handling things at the time was not working. I needed to make some changes in me so that I could deal with the reality of the situation. That's what the steps helped me accomplish.

So it's really not neccessary for you to consider that you are a codependent to give the steps a go. All that's necessary is for you to feel like your life is out of control because of your son's addiction.

Ann

You will know when it's time. I did.

Prayers for you and your son.

Hugs

devastated

Hi Vaya:

I read your post and am truly sorry that you are feeling such anxiety and sadness.

I've been there many times, and can honestly say there is nothing you can do to change what is happening. Good that he is in jail. Be relieved that he is safe and not using. Think about it, where is he better off in jail or on the streets? As far as prison goes, believe me they survive that too! As a matter of fact, my son always said the county jails were terrible. Prison was better because everyone really minds there own business there, and no one is looking for trouble.

Don't worry, he'll be fine wherever he goes. Don't bail him out whatever you do. Once on the street you not only have to worry about what he is doing, but if he'll show for court. If he doesn't show for court, there goes your bail money.

Be smart, let him face his own problems. Don't give him too much when he is in jail either. Let him write 'cause the phone cost so much. Let him feel what it is like to be without. I know we never want them to suffer, but if they don't, how will they ever know the difference between the good life and the bad?

I speak from long-time experience here. My son is now 48 years old and I have been a codependant for many years. I still fall back now and again!

Take care of you!
Hugs, Devastated

vaya

I agree my son is better off not being on the streets and using and at least can detox in jail until he, hopefully, gets place in the right kind of program. Does anyone know about dual diagnosis programs and what they provide.
As I've said before, I appreciate you understanding and responses. I still get concerned that so many are still gung ho die hard on the alanon thing and act like every parent of an addict should do that. Maybe its just how some feel, but it does sound like some people are trying to convert people who just happen to be parents of addicts.
I think its more about learning to discipline our children, even when they get older and letting them feel the impact of their choices and trying not to further those wrong choices. Maybe I haven't been through as much as some of you and I know I sure won't spend $30000 for rehab or buy my AS a car or cosign on the loan, etc, like others have. Some of the stuff people say here makes sense and some of it doesn't. I think some people should stop accusing others of being codependent. I thought this site was a place to connect with other parents of addicts and see how they handle it and to relate to others who can empathize. If its just a forum for codependency and alanon, then it should be posted as such when one stumbles across it. Just like we have to be careful about not giving medical advice we should be careful about what we tell others to do.

keepinon

"As I've said before, I appreciate you understanding and responses. I still get concerned that so many are still gung ho die hard on the alanon thing and act like every parent of an addict should do that. Maybe its just how some feel, but it does sound like some people are trying to convert people who just happen to be parents of addicts. "

Right, well it's worked for lots of us when nothing else has..it's really what we have to offer.

"I think its more about learning to discipline our children, even when they get older and letting them feel the impact of their choices and trying not to further those wrong choices."

Discpilining a 23 year old..what?

" Maybe I haven't been through as much as some of you and I know I sure won't spend $30000 for rehab or buy my AS a car or cosign on the loan, etc, like others have. "
Yup I sure paid 30,00 for my daughters recovery..my own ..PRICELESS.

"Some of the stuff people say here makes sense and some of it doesn't. I think some people should stop accusing others of being codependent."

I reread all the posts..ONE says the word codependency...perhaps ENABLING would be more appropriate.

" I thought this site was a place to connect with other parents of addicts and see how they handle it and to relate to others who can empathize. If its just a forum for codependency and alanon, then it should be posted as such when one stumbles across it."

If you were to go on a forum for alcoholics people will talk about AA..here we talk about Alanon. ANY rehab your son goes to will reccomend Al or Naranon for the family..it is SOP


"Just like we have to be careful about not giving medical advice we should be careful about what we tell others to do"

Many people have had many suggestions here..take what you like and leave the rest.

outtolunch

For me, it was all about learning to discipline myself.

wicked

So succinct and perfect, thank you outtolunch.
Yes, discipline myself.

Beth