New here, intro and looking for some support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: cape coral,fl
Posts: 2
New here, intro and looking for some support
Although I am new to SR, I am not new to the life of living with an addict.
This is my first post here and I'm hoping that someone out there just might understand where I'm coming from and show me that I'm surely not alone.
My name is Pearl. I am an independent, hardworking and compassionate person. I am the proud mother of 2 healthy children, I am currently 7 months pregnant with number 3, and lastly, I am the wife to a recovering opiate addict and despite his disease, the love of my life.
My story began happily and as so many others here, somehow in what felt like the blink of an eye, my story was sitting in the middle of what felt to be a never ending tornado of lies, deception, robbings, fights, tears, heartbreaks and broken promises for far, far to long! I wont get any further into that part of our lives as I'm grateful to be able to say, he finally decided (on his own) to chose life and to do what he needed to do to save his own life and live in sobriety with the help of the 12 steps, a detox facility, a 28 day inpatient program, and now a sober living home.
My husband is 90 days sober today! A huge accomplishment for anyone struggling with the harsh world of addiction, active or recovering. However, in the grand scheme of things I am not naive and I know that 90 days is not long at all on the long road and harsh realities of recovery.
With that, the reason I'm here today is because, with recovery I have found that I have a whole new set of emotions and feelings that are taking there toll on me. I have started attending Al-anon meetings, I have read and read and read some more as well as trying to work the 12 steps myself. I just have yet to find any insight on my situation.
I have been the sole provider for our family for quite some time due to his addiction and despite losing everything once before, I have managed to hold on to our house and make ends meet for the kids and I through all the ups and Downs until recently that is. I was laid off from my job of 6 years with the hospital just after I became pregnant. For the 1st time since age 14 I have found without a job and although I am educated and have been trying my hardest, I just cant find anyone in this economy to hire me 7 months pregnant. My unemployment benefits ran out last week. Rent is due on Jan 1,the electric is due, and I don't receive any government assistance. He on the other hand seems to have it so easy! He is living in a beautiful 4 bedroom sober living home with 3 supportive room mates, a swimming pool, a grand piano in the living room for goodness sakes, and an over abundance of food stocked in the kitchen. He is looking for a job but to pay his rent of 600.00 a month while the children and I face losing our family home. He has new NA friends that are willing to help him in anyway he needs. He goes to any meeting he feels like going to without restraints. He has zero responsibilities for the children or home and has the freedom to do what he needs and I...well I am so resentful that things are falling apart for me while they are so good for him. I'm very pregnant and have no help from him with anything because his focus is on nothing but his recovery. It's not easy for me to need help from my him after so long of having to take care of myself and the kids alone. Please tell me I am not a bad person for being so angry at how things are working out. I know he is doing what is best because he is no help when using, I just cant help how im feeling and it's making me feel horrible!!
Sorry this is so long!!
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
welcome, pearly, although i am so sorry you find yourself in need of this kind of support - you have certainly been dealing with an lot - i do understand your resentment about him not feeling the hurt that you are feeling right now - i do have a question - who is paying his SL fee?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Pearl
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find support and comfort here. I certainly have.
You are in a tough spot right now and your plate is so very full. It is very understandable why you would feel angry and resentful.....even though those feelings are not productive.
Have you talked to the unemployment office? With the economy being as it is, they have allowed extensions on unemployment benefits. You've only been on unemployment for a few months. Some folks have been able to get benefits extended to where they can be on unemployment for almost two years before benefits run out! But that may be in our State and not be applicable to your situation--but you don't know until you talk with them. Otherwise, you may talk to your DSHS office to see if they can help you through this short term issue.
Personally, I find that anger and resentment is poison to me. I feel it sometimes but I usually have to figure a way to get it "out of me" or it really weighs me down.
You have a lot on your plate. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find support and comfort here. I certainly have.
You are in a tough spot right now and your plate is so very full. It is very understandable why you would feel angry and resentful.....even though those feelings are not productive.
Have you talked to the unemployment office? With the economy being as it is, they have allowed extensions on unemployment benefits. You've only been on unemployment for a few months. Some folks have been able to get benefits extended to where they can be on unemployment for almost two years before benefits run out! But that may be in our State and not be applicable to your situation--but you don't know until you talk with them. Otherwise, you may talk to your DSHS office to see if they can help you through this short term issue.
Personally, I find that anger and resentment is poison to me. I feel it sometimes but I usually have to figure a way to get it "out of me" or it really weighs me down.
You have a lot on your plate. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: fort worth TX
Posts: 28
Welcome. I completly understand. You have every right to be resentful, but as said before it is very unproductive. I resently learned that my self. Yes I am still angry but I'm not letting it consume my life like I was. I feel much better sincei came on here and started talking with every one on here. I have learned to stay strong with out letting his addiction ruen my life and make me misserable. I'm not saying it is easy at all. But it helps a lot.
Being a sole provider most of my childrens life I have learned a lot about the help you can get. I'm not sure if you have insurance but I highly recommend you check in to the government help your state provides. On medicade, they will automatically insure you if you are preagnate and pay for every thing. All doctor and hospital visits. You can also look in to food stamps and WIC. WIC will pay for food for you while you are preagnate and formula for the baby. Also some food for the children. I know it is hard to get government help but it is worth it. It helps a lot. Oh and if you call the utility companys some of them have programs to make your bills cheaper. You will qualify due to job loss.
you may know all this but I hope it helps anyway. Try to enjoy christmas with your children and I will keep your family in my prayers.
Being a sole provider most of my childrens life I have learned a lot about the help you can get. I'm not sure if you have insurance but I highly recommend you check in to the government help your state provides. On medicade, they will automatically insure you if you are preagnate and pay for every thing. All doctor and hospital visits. You can also look in to food stamps and WIC. WIC will pay for food for you while you are preagnate and formula for the baby. Also some food for the children. I know it is hard to get government help but it is worth it. It helps a lot. Oh and if you call the utility companys some of them have programs to make your bills cheaper. You will qualify due to job loss.
you may know all this but I hope it helps anyway. Try to enjoy christmas with your children and I will keep your family in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 43
Welcome Pearl!
"Personally, I find that anger and resentment is poison to me. I feel it sometimes but I usually have to figure a way to get it "out of me" or it really weighs me down."
Kindeyes speaks volumes. Recovery can bring all sorts of emotions into play, that we have never felt or acknowledged before, until we started focusing on ourselves and our needs. I have been in a similar situation, and can really understand where you're coming from. You're not alone, you're not unreasonable for feeling what you're feeling. It's (to me anyway) normal. My only thought is similar to Kindeyes, anger and resentment are poison to me. You have a right to feel what you feel, but don't hang on to it, it's bad for you. Process it, and put it in its place.
You've come to a great place. Please take advantage of all it has to offer. Sending you warm thoughts.
"Personally, I find that anger and resentment is poison to me. I feel it sometimes but I usually have to figure a way to get it "out of me" or it really weighs me down."
Kindeyes speaks volumes. Recovery can bring all sorts of emotions into play, that we have never felt or acknowledged before, until we started focusing on ourselves and our needs. I have been in a similar situation, and can really understand where you're coming from. You're not alone, you're not unreasonable for feeling what you're feeling. It's (to me anyway) normal. My only thought is similar to Kindeyes, anger and resentment are poison to me. You have a right to feel what you feel, but don't hang on to it, it's bad for you. Process it, and put it in its place.
You've come to a great place. Please take advantage of all it has to offer. Sending you warm thoughts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
Hi Pearl, That really sucks. I would be very angry too. I completely understand the way you feel.
I don't know how to deal with your husband. It is not fair that he has done wrong yet he is sitting pretty while you and the kids are suffering.
You have to put that aside though and take care of you and the kids. Stress is no good at any time but even worse for you being preggo.
You should apply for food stamps. They are fairly easy to get and you can get them quickly. That will be something less to worry about.
You must have maternity clothes that no longer fit and other stuff in your home that you no longer wear. Sell what you don't need on Craigslist or Ebay. If you have to go to yard sales during the weekend and buy stuff cheap and sell it to make more money. It is a way to make money and a way for someone who can't get a job working for someone else to make money themselves.
Good luck. It is bad now but it can get better if you make it better.
I don't know how to deal with your husband. It is not fair that he has done wrong yet he is sitting pretty while you and the kids are suffering.
You have to put that aside though and take care of you and the kids. Stress is no good at any time but even worse for you being preggo.
You should apply for food stamps. They are fairly easy to get and you can get them quickly. That will be something less to worry about.
You must have maternity clothes that no longer fit and other stuff in your home that you no longer wear. Sell what you don't need on Craigslist or Ebay. If you have to go to yard sales during the weekend and buy stuff cheap and sell it to make more money. It is a way to make money and a way for someone who can't get a job working for someone else to make money themselves.
Good luck. It is bad now but it can get better if you make it better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: cape coral,fl
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the support and well wishes. I am working on getting gov assistance. The hoops they want me to jump through are crazy but I am willing to do anything I have to for my family and I. I have called the unemployment office and was informed they would be sending out letters in the mail to those who may be entitled to extended benefits. As for him, he hasnt had to pay his fee's for the SL home yet. He was told he just needed to make sure he was out there looking for work everyday.
I have never been one to hold on to anger and resentment so Im hoping to work through this and not dwell or let it consume my life.
I guess all I can do at this point is to continue trying to make ends meet, accept the assistance if I'm approved, and pray for guidance and the power to accept the things I cant change. I dont want to let the anger or resentment take over me. I have far to much to be thankful for and if I plan on being productive in life especially through the tough stuff I will just have to keep reminding myself of that.
I'm just thankful there is a place like this to help me along the way when I seem to be falling off track or need others that can relate.
Again, Thank you!
I have never been one to hold on to anger and resentment so Im hoping to work through this and not dwell or let it consume my life.
I guess all I can do at this point is to continue trying to make ends meet, accept the assistance if I'm approved, and pray for guidance and the power to accept the things I cant change. I dont want to let the anger or resentment take over me. I have far to much to be thankful for and if I plan on being productive in life especially through the tough stuff I will just have to keep reminding myself of that.
I'm just thankful there is a place like this to help me along the way when I seem to be falling off track or need others that can relate.
Again, Thank you!
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