wonderingfriend

Hi,
I'm new here just learning to deal with a friend who has an addiction problem. He is the love of my life and I'm afraid to lose him again. As bad as this is to say I don't trust him at this point and because of this he is mad at me right now. It kills me to wonder everyday what he's doing and how he's dealing but he puts on a tough exterior. He is supposed to be going to a 3 month long rehab in a few weeks....I guess I'm just looking for support in dealing with all of this.

MissTara

Wondering friend,

Welcome to SR. I am sorry your dealing with this. I am a newcomer as well and I have found that everyone here is so friendly & thoughtful. I have found much support & encouragement reading & posting. I hope that you find the same....

wonderingfriend

I'm stuggling today. With what to do and what is going on in his head now. He isn't speaking to me at this point because I called him out on his inability to keep promises he has made, even though he claims he is sober. I mailed his christmas presents and am letting go for now, he will come back....he always does....but can I ever trust him again?

beaglenut

Very supportive meetings for people dealing with a loved one with addiction.

wonderingfriend

I haven't, I will look for one in my area though...

MissTara

It is my expierence that I will never be able to trust my exab. So I can not have him in my life. No contact at all for me. The thought of getting caught up in all of his drama and being dragged down with him is sickening to me. But still I struggle with it. All in all, no matter how I think that I could have him back in my life and how things could be different this time, how I could trust him again.... the day always ends up with me knowing I cant. So your question if you could ever trust him again, that is something I believe that you probably know already....and yes they always do come back dont they? I wish you the strength to make the decision that is best for you. Here is the link to the Nar-Anon website where you could look up some f2f meetings (face to face).

Nar-Anon Home

wonderingfriend

The thing with him is that instead of dragging me into it (unlike my brother which is a whole different story) he just disappears and shows back up to me when he thinks he wants to try to be clean again....I'll always love him....but not sure I can trust him.
I *want* him to be Ok, but that's not up to me now is it

MissTara

No, unfortunately it is not up to you. It is totally up to him. I also have a brother who is an addict. Whole different story for me as well. I will always love the both of them, but I am learning to love with detachment. I love myself and if I dont look out for me, who else will? They can't do it.

wonderingfriend

Its hard...he's gone now for who knows how long, I don't know if he's gone gone or just taking some time for himself and remaining clean. I can't imgaine my life without him when he is clean, can't imagine the life of crime/drugs he leads when he's not. He has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, minus the year stretches where he wasnt clean. I guess I'm just coming to terms with the fact that he may never be clean forever, finally.
I just feel sorry for him, his parents took him back, demanded he go to rehab (who knows if he will go), but who can expect him to recover in a household where there is constant access to pain pills?
I guess I just need to trust in god that things will work out for him and focus on myself.

Foreverchanged

Wonderfriend,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. In the past few months I have only heard from my exab once telling me he wants to get clean so he can meet our 1 month old daughter. He missed her birth and promised he was changing his life. But I haven't heard from him for 3 weeks. I already know that he's out there using and making bad choices. That's what happens recently when he dissapears. I can't trust a word he says even though he's so convincing and I want to believe him. Even the thought of him getting clean I wonder how I would trust him. I know that I have to let go but haven't had the strength to move on. It was hard to be in contact when hes using but at least I was able to check to see how he was. Now that I haven't heard from him for awhile I think the worst. I have terrible nightmares. But I know it's better that way.

You can't trust someone who has broken it and not showed they deserve it.
I understand how you just want him to be ok and hope he gets back to the person you know and love. I myself am trying to concentrate on being a good mom to my daughter.It's hard but you have to take care of yourself. I love my exab even though he has put me through so much. But until he shows me through actions instead of just saying words he cant be apart of his daughters life. It breaks my heart but is what has to be done.
I hope your friend does go to rehab and is able to get the help he needs.

Kindeyes

Welcome......I'm glad you found SR but, as always, sad about the circumstances that bring you here. It's very hard to love someone who is addicted to drugs. It's hard to trust some who is addicted to drugs. I'm sorry that you are hurting. While he is taking a little break, it may be a good time for you to concentrate on yourself and what your needs are. Reading and educating yourself on addiction and codependence will prepare you for whatever the future may hold.

gentle hugs

ihatethis

Welcome. I get what you're saying about not dragging you in. Mine disappears too, and actually hasn't lied to me. (surely lying by omission doesn't count, right? ) I just worry, and then he calls sober in a few days, weeks... whatever. I thought it made him better than your average addict, but that doesn't mean you can't still be frustrated and angry. This is an excellent place to figure out what you really think and feel. You won't always hear what you want to hear, but you'll get what you need. Good luck!

louder

I am going through right now but I am on the other end. I lost the love of my life because of drinking. i am not an alcholic however there has been a few times that i have lost complete control when i was drinking...i noticed said that you are scared of losing him. i think it should be the other way around. he should be scared of you. if it wasn't my ex leaving me, i would have never realized that i had a problem and i wouldn't be seeking help. i know i have lost her for ever; however i still need to get help to fix my problem. you need to be strong even though it will make you make tough decisions in your life. best of luck!

wonderingfriend

Well of course he called last night. Claims that he has been busy with family (he is staying with his parents now) and getting ready for Christmas...I want to believe him, but I just don't know at this point. It was short....told he we needed to talk face to face. I think its best for me to tell him that I need to feel stable and supported (emotionally not financially) and that I understand that he can't give me that right now. Its not and end all be all but I think at this point he need to focus on his recovery, go to rehab and then we can start over from there....

I say this and it sounds logical and easy....but I know its not going to be. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I'm afraid its either going to help him or kill him. But if I don't it might kill me...

MissTara

You have to get to that point where you know its going to hurt but not kill you. It will only kill you if you allow it to. I used to like to be miserable, that is all I knew when it came to my exab & my brother. I used to not eat or drink for days on end, used to want to die because I could not fix them, I called in sick to work and lied about it, I lied to my family...to my friends about what was going on in my life. But no more, there is a better way of life than to worry about their's. That is what I concentrate on, my life instead of my exab's & my addict/alcho brother. I still care, and I still struggle but they do not rule me any longer because I detached...

Babyblue

You are right, he does need to focus on his recovery. It is all up to him. So while he is there, use that time to focus on you and strengthening your boundaries with him. You'll feel stronger and have a much better idea of what it is you want.

I have been where you are and as someone above stated, he needs to be the one worried about losing you. I know I have a hard time remembering that but it is so true.

When you realize that nothing he does or is doing is in your control, it is a real weight lifted off your shoulders. Recovery also has nothing to do with you. It is all on him.

Use it as a mini-vacation girlfriend!!

wonderingfriend

I wish I could believe that he would be worried about me...but at this point I think his addiction consumes him so much that he doesn't have that fear. I want him to have that fear....desperately want him to feel that fear to understand what he has made me feel. But I know that's not the right thing to want for him.

I don't know what he needs, I don't know what he wants, well other than heroin. But I know that I can't control him and that trying is only going to drive him away. I want to understand but I really don't know how to do that. I'm sure this is going to be a life changing experience for me, for the better, even if in the end I don't come out with him.